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epnim · 4 years ago

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Vlog#0105

Yujin sat in one of the chairs. She was inside a room where most of its walls were white. She glanced at her left, there stood the production staff preparing for everything before the shoot starts. She could feel a cold drop of sweat rolling from her temples, she gulped.

"Are you ready, Yujin? She's going in.." said one of the staffs. Yujin looked at her friend standing at the back, Yena nodded in assurance and even cheered her. She looked at the camera and checked if she was looking good.

After a short comfort, she was back to feeling the beat of her heart once she heard the door closed. She glanced up to see a familiar person she was expecting.

"Hi, sorry for being late," newcomer bowed to each staff as she flashed a smile.

"No problem, Minju, go ahead, Yujin's ready,"

Hearing the name, Minju looked at the person who's already looking at her since she got inside the studio.

"Hi,"

Yujin was left with no choice but to smile in response to that soft look Minju's giving her.

"Hey,"

"Okay, let me know if you guys are ready," said the director.

Yujin found herself in the same position, except that now Minju's sitting in front of her. They were facing each other, not escaping the reality that they had to observe each other's faces for the next 30 minutes.

This made Yujin doubt if her decision to agree on this was right. She never wanted to meet her ex-girlfriend this way, Minju was even prettier, but it was a school project for her best friend and she was left with no choice but to nod to Yena's countless begging.

"We will be asking you a few questions so just be ready,"

"In my queue, start introducing yourselves first,"

3....2....1

"Hi, I'm Ahn Yujin, 24, I work as a barista," Yujin paused for a moment and glanced on the floor, "Kim Minju's ex," then she smiled.

"Hello, I'm Kim Minju, 25, I work as a designer, Ahn Yujin's ex," Minju looked at Yujin shortly after mentioning her name.

Yujin felt the awkward atmosphere, she was starting to doubt on why she agreed to this short vlog about exes. She didn't expect to feel her heart running from her seat.

She knew that the questions were upcoming, and whatever those questions are, will simply poke the past that she hadn't completely forgotten yet.

Host: We will be asking you a few questions, five, to be exact. Let's start!

Host: So, how does it feel to be sitting in front of each other right now?

Minju chuckled and Yujin goes along with it, they heard the host ask Minju first.

"It's been a year since the last time I saw Yujin, and honestly, we exchanged a few messages to talk about Geegee, our pet, so it doesn't feel like Yujin was away," said Minju, she softly showed a smile and glanced at Yujin briefly.

The host then looked at Yujin and waited. The host looked at her with a sign that it's her turn to answer.

"I...I was just happy to see her again, I guess?" Yujin failed miserably, the nervous chuckle and the sweat didn't help her to save herself.

Minju chuckled and the other staff too, Yena on the other hand, smiled awkwardly, knowing that Yujin might not have started her answers strongly than she expected.

Host: Can you tell me the biggest attraction you've had with each other?

"Oh, this doesn't feel like we're exes now, aren't we?" said Minju faking a surprise as she laughed.

"Well, Yujin is..." Minju looked at Yujin, for quite a time and the latter just can't look back. She fidgeted and gulped.

"She never fails to amaze me in a lot of things. She does her best to achieve things she thought she couldn't, she'd usually encourage you even if all else fails, Yujin's there, reaching her hand to help you." After a while, Minju removed her gaze towards her ex. She laughed at herself jokingly.

Yujin can't deny the fact she feels like tearing up, almost forgetting she was being filmed. Suddenly all her what-ifs came rushing down to her heart and mind, finally feeling the same pain again after a year.

On the other hand, Minju felt like she wanted to slap herself for a moment. It wasn't supposed to feel like she was refreshing the moments, but it comes out uncontrollable.

While waiting for Yujin to answer, this makes her go walk on the memory lane. It was true, what she had all said.

She won't forget the moment when she was having a bad day, having an aching ankle on her first day of school didn't help her, but then, she saw a hand reaching for her to stand up.

"Are you okay?" she nodded as a reply.

"I'm Yujin by the way, gotta go, take care next time okay..uhh?"

"Minju, you can call me Minju,"

"Well then, Minju, see you around,"

Minju smiled at the memory and right then she heard Yujin answering the second question.

"Minju was heaven-sent," The people in the studio started to subtly tease based on Yujin's first line answer.

"I was very lost before and she found me on my weakest point in life," Yujin looked at the floor, not forgetting to check the camera as well from time to time.

"I believe that moment I met Minju was also the same time I'm experiencing my first biggest downfall, but when we started dating everything fell into place," Yujin smiled. She suddenly caught a camera flash and made her go back to a certain memory back in their time.

Ahn Yujin walked as fast as she could, she looked at her watch and knew she'd be late at any moment for the presentation. But she thought, maybe it's just one of those bad days in her life, except that she can't miss her presentation because her scholarship was on the verge of being revoked.

She suddenly saw the door to the room, before she could briskly take a step, she saw someone tripped and she can't seem to ignore the fact that she saw it. She quickly extended her hand and smiled at the girl on the floor. For a moment, she met the latter's eyes and she can't help but feel relieved helping her.

But that didn't stop there, Yujin felt like they were predestined for she keeps on running onto Minju for quite a time until she dared to ask her on a first date.

Host: So when was your last downfall?

"Was that included in those five questions?" asked Yujin, everyone in the studio chuckled including Minju but once they all calmed down, Yujin smiled sadly at her next line.

"Well, when I lost her, that's when I felt like my world crashed,"

Minju who was smiling slowly turned her reaction towards a clueless face. She felt as if she's going back to the night of the break up because of Yujin's sad smile, it was that same old face she was wearing that night.

There was an awkward silence in the room and Yujin felt that she just smiled and chuckled at how cheesy she answered.

"Please go on!" she said, the host chuckled awkwardly and cleared his throat.

Host: What's the most memorable day for you as a couple?

"Yujin can go first this time," said the Director, they all nodded and Yujin looked down again to remember her answer to the third question.

"The most memorable for me was when we took a picture right after our college graduation,"

"Ah, I remember that one," mumbled Minju.

Yujin heard Minju agreeing out of nowhere, and she smiled.

"After college graduation, most people tend to feel lost in their paths, not knowing where to go, but we managed to help each other and we did. That was memorable because it wasn't just our diplomas that we're holding, but we got each other's back too, from there we established a stronger relationship, that day was warm,"

Once Yujin finished answering, Minju bit her lip, she seems to be hesitating about her answer, nonetheless, she encouraged herself to do so.

"It was when I got a promise ring from her," Minju was shy and they all can't stop themselves from smiling, it was like re-watching a history seeing former lovers in one place.

"Just in time with our second anniversary, like a fool, she knelt in front of me and gave a promise ring that she bought on her first salary,"

Host: Did you expect anything else?

"Not really," said Minju, Yujin looked at her with a neutral face, smiling when needed to. "Before I could think about something else Yujin already spat out a disclaimer that it's a promise ring,"

And they all laughed, feeling the humor on Minju's words.

"It was so memorable that it made me look forward to our future, at least that time, I know what I want to do,"

Yujin was breathing on her hands, it wasn't just cold, she was dead nervous about her anniversary date with Minju. She prepared a dinner table with roses and candles, a bouquet, and a huge teddy bear.

She knew that in a few minutes, Minju will be arriving, and as she assumed, not long after, she could hear the door creaking while she was hiding somewhere in their room.

"Yujin I'm hom-"

Minju was astonished by the view that welcomed her sight, she felt like it was a fairytale. She covered her mouth in shock as she appreciated the whole effort in front of her. Suddenly, there was a pair of snaking arms around her body from behind.

"Do you like it?" asked Yujin as she softly kissed Minju's shoulder.

"No words can describe it,"

"Happy anniversary," said Yujin as she faced Minju and gave the latter a quick peck. Minju couldn't even say any word. Then, she was dumbfounded to see Yujin kneeling in front of her.

"Don't worry, this isn't a marriage proposal yet," Said Yujin as she pulled a small box and opened it, offering it to her girlfriend, "But I would like to offer you a promise that can last a lifetime,"

"I know that we're just starting our lives and we're trying to build whatever we can with our potentials. Regardless of our differences, we can progress and meet halfway, Minju, that I promise you,"

Minju knew from that moment, there was a tear rolling from her eye. It made her anxiety about the future at ease. She had willingly lent her hand to Yujin as the latter placed the ring perfectly on her finger.

"I hope you like it,"

"Stop thinking like you're not doing good,"

"I'm just afraid,"

"Nothing goes right with simply being afraid, Yujin,"

Almost getting immersed with her memory, Minju went back to reality after hearing the host thanking them and proceeding to the fourth question. However, the filming was suddenly paused for the Director called a five-minute toilet break.

The exes stood and went to different corners of the studio, Yujin headed to Yena while Minju went to get a bottle of water.

"Are you okay?" It was Yena's abrupt question that made Yujin scoff.

"Of course I am," said Yujin. She glanced Minju for a second and went back to drinking on her water bottle.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have forced you both to go here, I'm so selfish," said Yena while blaming herself.

"It's okay, you idiot, I won't be here if I'm not chill,"

"Why are you always so slow at picking it up, Yujin?" said Yena irritatingly. She sighed deeply and shook her head.

"Tell me, is there anything wrong? I thought I'm doing okay?"

"Yo-"

"Five-minute break is over!"

Yena couldn't even finish nagging her because time was too quick, she saw how the two exes kept on stealing looks at each other and it will never be a good thing. Yena became somehow restless as long as the filming isn't over.

Host: Okay, so, let's go to the fourth question. I hope that both of you can answer it properly, *laughs* Whatever your reason for breaking up is there, but to be more precise, when did you two know that it's already time to let go? Minju, you can go first.

Of course, they knew this question was coming but somehow it feels like it was a surprise.

"It was when...I knew that we're going on loops, and we can't resolve the problems anymore," said Minju not failing to smile sadly. "One thing I learned with being someone in the same household is, you learn to accept them as they are, but there will be always shallow moments that you're going to fight with, if those existed, what more if you're talking about something bigger? So yeah, I knew it was time to let go when I realized that we weren't progressing as we should be, in terms of goals and individual growth,"

Host: Yujin-ssi?

"Oh, haha I'm sorry, I was a bit hungry," another shot of humor was showed by Yujin but in reality, she was getting lost repeatedly, with what Minju said made her heart in pain again.

"I knew I needed to let go when..." Yujin looked at Minju and their eyes met, it wasn't a glance, it was a whole stare at each other.

"...when she gave me that sad smile,"

Minju broke the staring competition and looked down instead.

"I've always wanted to meet what Minju desired, I had set myself to build my life and experience it with her beside me, like a fool, I forgot I was human. I was a hypocrite to even let myself believe that all I want to do is what she wanted to do, and that night of the break up made me realize a lot of things. And that's how much I love her and how much I can't let go of my desires," Yujin tried to breathe calmly, although there was a verge of a breakdown inside her.

"Seeing Minju smile sadly broke me, and I knew that if we keep it this way, it'll only get worse, and since I loved her, I can't bear to see her smile and faking it just because she has to. So, I accepted the fact that I could only do much,"

Both Yujin and Minju helped themselves to not remember anything that night, or else they will be in a dangerous state.

Host: Woah, it's really hard to go through a breakup, in any form right?

The host tried to enlighten the glooming atmosphere in the studio and felt a cue from the director to proceed with the last question.

Host: Well, I guess we're coming to an end, and first of all thank you to the two of you for participating in our vlog today. It's really hard to get participants but the two of you shared open-mindedness in this session and we couldn't thank you enough for it. So for the last part, we might be needing you to get separated for this one's a rather private question.

The staff made Yujin go out for the meantime while Minju was left inside.

She waited for quite a moment, probably around ten minutes. She tried to reflect on what happened during the past four questions and she can't shake the fact she got quite vulnerable with her answers. She just hoped that Minju wasn't feeling all awkward about it.

Shortly after, Yujin heard the opening door and saw her ex bowing to everyone inside, bidding goodbye to them. Then, Minju turned to her. At some point, it feels like she was choking at the fact that they're both in the same place. Yujin felt like she was feeling sort of sinful. It'll never be that easy to get over Minju.

"Hey,"

"Oh, hey again,"

Minju walked towards her ex who seems to be frozen on her spot.

"They said that they might be needing another five-minute break and I was tasked to tell you that," Minju chuckled.

"Thanks though, maybe you can tell me a spoiler about the last question," said Yujin jokingly.

"Not telling, but...it's a question I've been wanting to answer for quite a time,"

"Really? Then they must have asked who you prefer more between Kerokeropi and Pepe the frog,"

"Silly, no, you haven't changed that much I see," said Minju.

"Is that a good thing?" Yujin looked down, "I believe it isn't a good thing,"

"Don't be hard on yourself Yujin," Minju felt sad again, after a year of breaking up, it seems that they haven't moved past the sad events that happened to the both of them.

"Yujin-ssi, you can go in now!"

Both of them heard the staff and faced each other again.

"Well, it's been nice seeing you again, Minju,"

"Yeah, you should go, Yujin,"

Yujin nodded in agreement, she headed towards the entrance of the studio. But after turning the knob, she head Minju called her again.

It was yet another time when their gazes met, Yujin swore that she saw Minju looking at her with another teary-eyed feeling.

"I just wanted to say that it was nice seeing you again too, and as for the last question, I said...yes."

"Huh?"

Of course, Yujin didn't have a single clue what the last question was, and she didn't fully understand why Minju told her the answer. This confused Yujin momentarily, but she headed inside, and she could hear Minju's footsteps getting smaller, like her heart.

She didn't want to live in a lie, seeing Minju today made her day better and bad at the same time, the only person that makes her feel too many things at once will always be Minju regardless of the bad break up they had gone into.

They both knew that maturity wasn't measured on who handled the break up better, but it was when they had to fully accept their relationship having a limitation. And this has been a fact that Yujin holds since that day her heart broke.

With one last gulp, Yujin sat in front of the camera, Minju wasn't there anymore and the people around her were full of comforting smiles, she didn't know the reason behind their reactions, but she was a bit nervous.

Host: Alright, Yujin-ssi, we're finally at the ending part of this video, first we will be needing you to give a message to Minju.

"Oh well, Haha.." Yujin started off nervous again.

"We've dated for a couple of years, we experienced a lot together and this and that, you probably know how I think and I don't think I've changed a lot since our last time together. But, thank you for being the girlfriend I needed that time, I know I was selfish and there are some things that we can't agree on, but you stayed, to whatever shortcoming our relationship had should not reflect on how we live, so always take care, Minju-ah."

Host: Wow, that was a heartwarming message Yujin-ssi, again thank you for coming here and down to the last question...

... if you have a choice about your fate in the next life, would you want to be together with Minju again?

For Yujin, the last question seemed to echo inside her head, she couldn't understand it at first, she could feel her heart beating rapidly at the thought of the question itself.

"She felt like her eyes are getting wet and people inside the studio started to get confused,"

"I...of course," Then that's it, Yujin answered what her heart has been yearning for. "Of course, I badly want to be with her again,"

"CUT!"

She silently wept but kept herself composed, she can't bear to get filmed miserably, but then she stood up and wiped her eyes. Yujin wasn't thinking straight after what she realized.

"...and as for the last question, I said...yes."

And she was sure with one thing, Minju feels the same way.

Yujin dashed out from the room, not hearing anything even her best friend's call, the only thing she was thinking was to find Minju as soon as possible.

"She said yes," Yujin mumbled between her breath.

She sprinted towards the elevator, but everything was fully occupied, she had no choice but to use the stairs not caring how sweaty and tired she'll be.

Yujin started to go down from the 8th floor to the parking lot. It took her a few minutes to do so, but she couldn't care less. She quickly runs towards the parking lot, once she saw a familiar figure, she called her name as loud as she could.

"Yah KIM MINJU!"

Minju on the other hand, glanced at the person who called her. She was surprised to see Yujin trying to catch her breath like she participated in some marathon.

"Y-yujin? Wh-why?" Minju stuttered, she doesn't know how to react but once Yujin was in front of her, she suddenly felt a tight hug from the latter.

"I've been meaning to do this earlier,"

"Yujin what...are..you...doing," said Minju as she tried to struggle from the hug, but Yujin was strong.

"Like a fool, I still love you and I never stopped doing so," Yujin closed her eyes, still breathing heavily.

"This time, I'm willing to do better, to make our goals come true," said Yujin as she faced Minju, she grabbed the latter's hand.

"Minju, I said yes, to the last question, I said yes, like you. If only you'll give me a chance, then we'll make it better, that's for sure,"

Yujin looked at her hopefully and Minju was just speechless, she looked at ex worriedly.

"I don't understand you, Yujin,"

"Minju! You and me, let's start a new life together and I promise, no more heartbreaks, no more broken promises,"

"Yujin, you're confused!" Minju said as she feels like crying.

"N-no! I'm not Minju! I am sure, I've never been so sure in my life," replied Yujin desperately.

"You can't do this Yujin," Minju started crying, her cries were meant for Yujin to stop.

"Minju listen to me-"

Then Yujin stopped when she felt something on Minju's hand. There was a ring.

A ring that she didn't give Minju.

"What..."

"I'm so sorry, Yujin," Minju fell on her knees as she started sobbing hard.

"But you said...back there...?"

"Yujin, I'm engaged." Minju gulped as she tried to speak better.

"I'm getting married at the end of this year,"

And Yujin thought that losing Minju for the first time was her biggest downfall.

New Chat Message

Choi Yena

How are you? You didn't update me after a week when you ran out of the studio, I was dead worried. I don't know what happened yet, but anyway, I released the vlog, and guess what, I got a high score. Thanks, bud, if not for you guys, I won't get a high grade here. We did some edits by the way so you might get confused with the sequence.

Yujin read her best friend's message, she wasn't feeling good at all after the encounter with Minju. Not only she felt awful, but the embarrassment and shame she acquired from that day still lingers.

She felt her stomach grumble, she hasn't been eating well for a week now, she can't take herself out to the mall, she was stuck at home drinking whatever she does make her want to shut herself.

Yujin gathered the courage to watch the video, she clicked it and the video started to play.

She could still remember what happened that day, that's why she could vividly imagine herself at every second of the video.

Of course, Minju looks breathtaking as ever, she can't stop looking at the person whom she loved so much but now, she was just a mess.

The video was just fifteen minutes long, although Yujin wanted to stop watching since all of their answers were simply recalling each other's moments, it didn't help her to feel better.

Nonetheless, Yujin continued to watch it, she was surprised to see herself answering the last question first, she heard herself saying her message to Minju as she broke down and left the spot, the next cut was Minju's turn.

Host: For the last question, will you still break up with Yujin even if she did anything she could in your relationship?

Yujin was left in shock with the question for the second time. Figures why Minju was so confused that time in the parking lot, they got a different question and she wanted to slap herself so bad again.

"Yes," She saw Minju looking like she was about to cry but tried her best no to.

"I'm not blaming Yujin for anything," Minju's answer was very short and suddenly, the host transitioned to the last part.

Host: Thank you, Minju-ssi, please give a message to your former lover.

"Yujin-ah, there are a lot of things I wanted to say, but those words will always remain in my heart and I can never say them in person to you again. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for not being consistent enough in our relationship that I had to look for more than what you can give, it wasn't your fault, I was selfish. I was discontented and I made you feel like you're at fault, so I can never forgive myself with how much I broke you that night. Don't be too hard on yourself and be stronger, I don't deserve you, and I hope that you won't go blaming yourself again just because a relationship failed, I had a very memorable time with you, and I can't apologize enough to redeem what happened, I just want you to be happy, Yujin. Please, live a happy life,"

Yujin's tears didn't stop from falling, she held her chest trying to shake off the heaviest feeling she had ever felt.

After watching the vlog, she realized the time she missed for herself, trying to move on, she forgot to be happy, she knew that what they had was real because Minju knew her, she knows how she feels.

"Minju, you're a fool just like me," Yujin chuckled in between her sob.

And she knew that even though her love story with her desired person ended, she can live peacefully knowing they're going to achieve what they wanted for their lives.

And at least that's one thing Yujin tried to remember in her past relationship, acceptance will always be a key for her to get over and move on.

"That's right Yujin-ah, let's live happily," she told herself.

#jinjoo #izone #au

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epnim · 4 years ago

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Independence Day

Maybe the title of this is way too broad to what I'm trying to say. Oh well, do most of you believe in zodiac signs? I do, it's really fun to do so. You have an instant criticism to certain people whether you met them for the first time, or been friends with them. You can just smirk at the corner of a chaotic room while looking at your friend who's drunk talking or crying too much and say, "definitely an Aries or a Pisces". This little way of amusing ourselves is quite dangerous especially if we depend on it too much.

Unfortunately for me, I got too fond of it that when I need a wake-up call, even to my relationship, I'll just go and "Oh, well this person is a *sign*"

I find it bad, being dependent, in general. It will lose all your capabilities to further improve yourself in terms of decision making or common standards.

Last night, I talked with a friend, it got too deep that we were talking about life and how depressive things were getting in our personal lives. As an acquaintance, I did try my best to give comforting words to him as a Cancer sign, I'm quite empathic when it comes to people opening up their vulnerabilities.

Suddenly, I called myself a hypocrite out of the blue, I suddenly remembered my inability to apply those things I told him, sadly. But we ended the conversation settling ourselves that everything will get better as long as we don't compare our lives to other people.

But behind our computer screens, was me trembling on my anxiety and problems as well, thinking how can I overcome my current downfall.

What affected me the most is the failing relationship I had with my partner, but then, this isn't about some broken-hearted girl writing rants about her ex.

It was normal for people to compare their lives to each other, it's an unhealthy habit, to be honest, nevertheless, hard to avoid.

This problem I had with my partner mainly focused on not having the same set of beliefs. This got me challenging myself out of the blue, I thought those true and genuine relationships are all about adjustment and sacrifice. But to my disappointment, even though we've done quite on the checklist, we stayed flimsy like we weren't established, to begin with.

It caused an abnormality on how I think, all this time, I've walked on eggshells on this relationship for almost a year but what made it wrong on my side? I turned a blind eye on those red flags in front of me.

It's been a fact that I both denied and accepted, in this dilemma I had let myself to fall into a conclusion that "Sagguittarius" people are quite hard to love, strangely. I've had several Sagi friends and my partner is one. They have this common personality of being straightforward and stubborn, the reason I had somehow tolerated the fact that my partner is this and that. But, before you tell me I was wrong, I already know it.

Maybe I was just too understanding for my good that I couldn't see my worth, I thought that being selfless was still because of the relationship, but no.

I realized that I'm being selfless to justify my own worth adding it on my 'brag' list because I can say confidently that I can be selfless to people I love the most.

This morning when I woke up, I received a text from my partner, this person wanted to talk, she called me by name and that moment, I knew it already.

I took a deep breath, I am mad and I can never calm down as long as I haven't told her everything I sacrificed for and how wrong her decision was. The reason for the split wasn't enough for me, but it seems that she had made her decision already. She told me that she wanted to try so hard to save the relationship but it seems that it's not working anymore.

This time, I knew too, I was tired of being careful, being uptight, and all that. And the decision will benefit both of us.

One thing I realized as I was writing this was the fact I got too dependent, just because she had given me a lot of pain, I think I committed to this relationship and set her up to fail. It was all on me.

After being mad for fifteen minutes, I suddenly calmed down, I just really wanted to tell her everything I've been feeling lately, failures, musings? Those.

And afterward, I couldn't get mad anymore, why? I knew her decision was right for both of us. For the sake of our individual growth.

Abruptly, it felt like someone has woken me up from a long dream that we were okay, that she was just a Sagi being like that and she doesn't mean it, I'm just cancer and I was being oversensitive. I was slapped to the reality that I can never use those default personalities to convince myself that we can do okay and that signs, in general, have nothing to do with any decisions we've had in our life. I know it from the start of the downfall, but I'm looking for an excuse.

I've been holding on that pillar for quite a time now, and I know that it's not going to be good if I keep on holding on to it. I kept denying to myself that I'm just being weak to face what's real and not.

And this dependence is a lesson I might be bringing to my grave. This harsh lesson of me trying to be okay when I'm not will always be exceptional among those other moral lessons in a day story.

I realized that what makes a relationship toxic is to look for excuses that everything will be okay, wounds will heal regardless of being together.

Being okay isn't the type of feeling that would knock on your doorstep one day, it's yourself delivering it on the drop off same as the pick-up address.

All I could say is I'm not okay, but I feel relieved. It was early to say things like this? But maybe I can, cause it will all start in accepting yourself on how weak you are and how things will not work in your way.

Just maybe next time, it gets better

#personalthoughts

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