epistemiccrisis

[epistemiccrisis]

The words “not paying thr rent” set me off

I feel adrenaline and fear at the prospext of this.

I will use my meditation app

I need to feel safe.

I do not feel safe.

I am trying to escape from my new home because i am scared of losing it.

Please let the terror end.

[epistemiccrisis]

Why does my brain hyperfocus on trauma and not all the love and happiness and beauty.

If my limbic structures are shaped by my experiences why do the bad experiences seem to be the bulk of its architecture. Why can the good ones not overwhelm it rather than the bad ones overwhelm the good.

I feel like ive asked these questions a thousand times but i am going in circles.

The fights we havenin long term relationships are the fights we have always had from the start.

The conflicts within myself are the same ones i have faced for years and years.

I do just keep reliving it all.

I want to be saved from this. Have all the badness swept away.

[epistemiccrisis]

Sex and pleasure confuse me. I feel good when i am with garrett. I like having sex with him. I do not orgasm. I am afraid of my own pleasure. I am disgusted by my own body. I do not feel sexy. I am afraid of intimacy. I am afraid of emotion. I feel myself pull away emotionally the physically closer we get. Im frightened.

The anxiety is misery. I want to live normally.

Did i attach myself to garrett because i could not bear the transition to being a lone?

Is that okay?

If it isnt okay then why not? What is the alternative? Is it wrong for me to see him? Yet if i didnt i would run back to david. I want to fall asleep and not wake up.

[epistemiccrisis]

I have the undeniable feeling if humiliation and wanting to kill myself.

I feel trapped and unable to move forward and freely.

I dont underatand any of my other emotions right now just this undeniable sensation of being trapped. The life i am trying to build feels like it is made of cardboard.

Everything around me feels unshakeably fake. Like its all a farce. It feels like it could all be gone if i closed my eyes for too long. I feel like im losing my mind.

What do i want? What do i look forward to in the world? How do i become free?

What does it mean to live freely?

David is messaging me at all hours if the day. It is really messing with my head.

“We could work through it easily if we wanted to.”

He still doesnt respect what i am saying: i am not ready for a relationship.

[epistemiccrisis]

Well, i broke it off with david.

Amd yet not. Should i not be talking to him?

And now I see garrett... should i not be talking to him?

Maybe i need to break it off with them both.

What is happening to me?

What does it mean to “enter a mew chapter” in one’s life? That the things that once defined my everyday no longer do?

And what then defines my everyday now? What definied it before? David.

I had built my life around david without even really understanding why. Am i trying to build my life around garrett now? Im already considering doing so. Why cant i build an identity of my own, on my own?

What do i feel for either of them? I feel pleasure in one moment and the next i cant even recognize myself.

I feel a deep fear going forward with things with garrett. But an even greater fear of being alone. I feel a fear of returning to david. But an even greater fear if my own failures and loneliness.

Im so scared to be alone this holiday. Scared to not have family. To not have david, callum, and cleo.

And im wracked with guilt.

This overwhelming guilt that turns my insides and lives in all my muscles. Guilt is the atlas upon which my head rests and all these mortifying thoughts spin round and round with no end. The serpent devours its own tail.

Im sorry to everyone.

I wish i could stop crying. Im so tried of crying.

I feel like ive lost my closest friends.

[epistemiccrisis]

Im feeling emotionally intense. And pretty anxious these past couple days.

Sometimes i wake up and i dont know who my partner is in bed with me. It only lasts about 15-20 seconds but it freaks me out. I feel like i dont know where I am, who I am, or who the man sleeping next to me is. Its freaky.

This happened to me during sex recently. I had a moment where my partner felt like a total stranger and it freaked me out. I did not recognize him and i felt for a brief moment i was with a stranger and not him. I do not know why this happened.

Waking up and not knowing where i am has happened to me for years. But particularly when I move. However being awake and not knowing who my boyfriend is has never happened. I did not recognize him and his body felt foreign. My own body and presense also confused me in that moment and i wondered who i was. Is this because i dissociate so often- fantasizing about being another person- that i had some sort of disconnection?

What I remember:

Well im lying in my mother’s lap. Then there is this head between my legs. I can feel hair brushing against my bare crotch and stomach. Head hair. I hear the sound of someone playing with me. Some voice. I’m confused and sleepy. I feel dirty but naybe i an laughing. I feel the head go in and out from between my legs and look up and smile. I feel dirty and bad afterwards.

[epistemiccrisis]

This year I will be over it.

This year I will be over it. This year I will be over it.

Today I want to die for the first time in a long time. I am deeply unhappy with myself and can find no satisfaction in my own embrace. I see a failed lover in that reflection. I wish I could return to my place of control but there is no going there anymore. Moving forward is terrifying. I put my foot on the breaks but I keep rolling back. I am awake right now but if I could slip back into my slumber I would. I grieve the loss of the imagination that gave light to my life. I grieve the loss of the lies I told myself to make things okay. My falsehood was my innocence. My insides swing back and forth inside me like a bell thatbdoesnt ring. Even I cannot hear what is being asked.

[epistemiccrisis]

Its important to breakdown

Its important to cry and be heart-broken and break down. And it is important to do it alone and if I am not alone to let others know “I don’t need you to hold me together.” I can comfort myself. I can put myself back together: and that is the actual strength I have. Not that I don’t get sad or don’t still get hurt by it all in the first place, but that I can be the support I need. I don’t need anyone to hold me- and that isn’t some false bravado, I can hold myself! And each heartbreak is a reminder that self-love is the most powerful remedy for any pain I have.

[epistemiccrisis]

I am a control freak

Control is an illusion, and the greatest way i try to control is to control my emotions, my subconscious self. I try to control my subconscious and its impossible. Maintaining emotional control over myself and even others. I stay in control when i am comforting others.

Does David try to stay in control by comforting me? Even I am afraid to face what it means for David to deal with cleo. Or is this me trying to control david.

Why did david hold me? I didnt ask him to. 

We could have cried together. <3

[epistemiccrisis]

I can comfort myself

Yesterday, David thought I would fall to pieces if he did not hold me together. No, I can comfort myself. I can give myself a hug. I can love myself. I can say sorry to myself and forgive myself. 

[epistemiccrisis]

Pulling on me

It so easy to drift into my cathartic other world. That dream world where I am wanted, safe, lovable, beautiful, likable: the center of attention. 

My mind pulls away from my body and I float freely in a place of my own making, a place of total control. 

I like to think I am not someone who bottles things up: that is my false truth. 

[epistemiccrisis]

Moving on

Moving on

What does it mean to move on?

Well first you have to want to move on.

Do I want to move on? No... and yes.

So many people just live in indulging in misery. In love woth their own misery. Its almost romantic.

I think perhaps it would be best... for me. To not talk about it at therapy, not right away.

When I tell people about it I cant help but think: im trying to get this person to take care of me.

But nothing, nothing will ever make those years right. Ill never have it. That loving family I wanted. I will never have it. I can dream it all I want, and I do... but it wont happen.

On top of that bothing, bothing will ever make anyone understand. But who can I say I truly understand the pain of what they went through? I dont mean to say. No one will understand what happened. Not even me because i spent so much time. Dissociating from it. What is worth noting is I picked up a weird habit because of it all. Thats what im still trying to get over. Pills help. Meds help a lot.

My dreams... love... a tragic heroin... shes beautiful, ahes wanted, ahes likeable, ahes sexy. Shes big hearted. She would sacrifice for others. Perfect on the outside and inside. Its not that I am her, but i empathize most with her. I wish to feel the feelings of someone like that. Not that I truly want to be that... i just want to feel those good feelings. To indulge in that ultimate catharsis.

Also they die. They always die. I try to rewrite the ending in my head but when it comes down to it the die. Everyone around is in a perpetual state of reacting.

Shes everything a man would want. That men would give up what they had for her. Others would sacrifice for her. Especially her romantic interest... interests... would sacrifice for her. Yet...

Dont I have that? David would do it all for me. Hes great. Isnt he giving me the loving care I never had? Isnt that whats so great? He gives me everything I need. I want for nothing. I used to want for so much now I want for bothing. And i like him. Hes funny and easy going, witty, likeable. I love him.

But i still have times I wnat to leave. I guess thats lots of relationships though isnt it?

Its funny. Its like im writing a story and the main character is the one i want to “be” in some ways. Yet when i write it out... i can never write from their perapective. Well i try... but it all comes out wrong. It sort of unravels. Their perfection. And they become boring to me. They interest me very little. So its more accurate to say rather than i wish to be that person... i wish people to react to me this way. Ita a ppace of total control. I am in charge of all goings ons. Thats center pperson, They are totally hollow and shaped completely by the eyes of others. A formation of others reactions.

So why did i used to go to therapy? Why do i go now?

I went because i wanted to be understood. But on my terms. They way i thought i understood myself, the way i wanted to be. Because if people think you are something, then you sort of are or at least you can believe it. And if you believe yourself to be something, and everyone else believes youre that something, then arent you?

At the time i was a big fat liar. When you lie you can control the conclusions people are able to come to.

David wanted to leave early because he was having a terrible time. Not because of any external factors but because of me making it unpleasant for him and his inability to escape my wrath. Poor david.

[epistemiccrisis]

Living in the present, in my body

is terrifying. Yesterday I finally opened up to David about my childhood dream. The one where a man had his head between my legs. A dream so disturbing and vulgar and putrid I could not speak of it. I don’t know if it happened I told him, but I feel a connection between my physical body and that dream. Theres a place on my body, my lower stomach just above my groin that is hyper sensitive to touch. When others touch it or when I brush against it I am reminded of that dream I had so long ago. The odd thing about the dream was it was a dream of my younger self being molested. 

My physical body is attached to so much pain, how do I let go? Let go of the pain. To practice presence in my own body is so terribly painful and I hadn’t even realized just how many bad memories were attached to it until I started trying.

I dont want to be in this body full of pins and needles. 

How do I pull them out?

[epistemiccrisis]

How do we get past the hurt?

the heart break, the pain. Every year I tell myself “This is the year i will be over it.” 

Yesterday I cried. Today i cried. I cried and I grieved and I felt so ashamed to cry and still be hurt. I thought I was stronger than this? I looked down from my imaginary high-horse on people who i deem “in love with their own misery.” Yet here i am still sad. So deeply sad. And still so far from knowing my own soul. I am scared to communicate deeply with myself.