enruby

[enruby]

“I’m going to love you. You don’t have to love me back. But I’m going to love you with my whole heart. And even if you break my heart, I will always wish the best for you. I’ll love you for me, not for you. Because love is a flower growing in my heart, and if my heart chooses to grow a blue flower for you, I will trust my heart. So I love you. Even if you don’t love me back.”

— blueemelancholia (via wnq-writers)

[enruby]

25th may, 2022. 22:11.

it’s cloudy. the summer-air outside hot and stuffy, but inside the ventilated apartment she covers up in a cropped cardigan for extra warmth. air always clean, easy to breathe, dogs playing with each other and it’s like she is 14 again.

if ignoring how it has been a month since her last dinner at home, and how it hadn’t precisely gone well. that time over a hair color and the rumors carried home after coachella. now? she’s called into the living room by her father, somehow a similarity with how she got called into the office at the company building. but worse.

....exactly like being 14 again.

‘ you’re embarrassing us. jennie, don’t you understand how hard we work to be respected in society? how you’re ruining it? ‘

words that sink in deep. but is her father more angry about the rude comments being made about his daughter, or because he believes the rumors, perhaps even agrees with what is being said? of course she’s a cheater, of course she is popularity built strictly from being passed around in the industry. free-spirited and easy! thoughts that hurt jennie, haunt her and leaves her sleepless throughout nights ; fearing a special someone will view her the same, if she one day will become tied up in something he no longer can stand by.

but he is better than her family, she realized when interrupted in the one attempt at an explanation ( that hadn’t even been requested ), but explanations doesn’t save anyone, she learned that the hard way last year. ‘dad, it’s not even--’

‘ i don’t care what is or isn’t. everyone is talking about this! it’s shameful. ‘

‘at least i didn’t get pregnant at 20.’ it slips, blunt and thoughtless. the anger immediate on her father’s features and jennie isn’t proud, regrets speaking, even if her mother isn’t in the room.

and there are many things she cannot be proud of in life, one being the image she built up for herself - leaving people to assume the worst, all because of her own pride, when avoiding looking vulnerable. another thing being dragging those around her down with said crappy image, family included.

‘ compared to this..? it would look better if you had a baby with someone and stayed with them. ‘

but you can’t even do that. hangs unspoken in the air. she can feel him wanting to say that, like he did during their repeated arguments about her career choices and dropping out of school. but in contrast of those times she meets her father with a smile today ; not petty, not confident, instead empty, and only a polite way to admit defeat. she thinks she is bad, too. there is absolutely no need for the company or her father to remind her, some important people and the many sleepless nights over the years have reminded her enough.

‘ go. we’re tired. you’re not welcome here until you sort out this mess. ‘

but what if i’m the mess? she’s itching to ask, but gets up in silence, knows about rich families who have kicked out their kids for less. a prestigious old-time lover ( who cheated on her ) acting up, just like he had many times back then, is once again believed, justified. similar to something last summer, but who wants to admit they are easy to fool? not jennie, so she allows the pity party to carry on, lets people think what they want. at least a bit longer.

leaving the apartment she remembers why she got that big villa two years ago; this home is only home if you can live up to the expectations. currently there is only one place where she can exist without expectations, so tonight calls for wine, lots of sweets, and impulsive online shopping until forgetting ( unless the bank puts a limit on her card .. again ), while preferably hiding away from the world in the safest place in seoul. on a stupidly big sofa, with stupidly scary movies. but they’re supposed to be healing, as he often says.

[enruby]

24th april, 2022. 18:22.

’he’s angry because this could compromise things for him at work...’

the half-whispered reassurance sounds more like it’s uttered to justify her father, who just slammed a door shut on the way to the in-home office, rather than something meant to comfort jennie.

the kitchen table doesn’t feel like *home* today. or maybe too much like home.

few hours earlier jennie smiled when her father sent a text asking what she had done with her hair. ( likely not because he supported it, but at least he noticed..? )

‘you know we just worry about you.’

no audible disagreement coming from her, but her gaze isn’t warm or understanding this time. instead it recalls her mother trying to introduce her to blind-dates, again - because she cares, jennie can reason that much. but … what happens when it only makes jennie all the more like a failure? as if their expectations haven’t been met. as if she isn’t far enough in life for her age.

and perhaps it makes sense. her mother being merely 22 when giving birth to jennie - 21, if not considering the korean age system. and what is jennie doing? professionally, not much. privately, trying to find reasons to stay bright.

she hasn’t let her family know that there is someone, who she values more than life itself. at least this illusion of a put-together life. because it makes it mean a lot, and she’s not sure if he wants that weight of dealing with her family.

“mum? i’m going home. thanks for the dinner.” her smile a little wry, met by eyes that seem to think it’s a good idea.

‘don’t get into more trouble, jennie.’ it’s a warning, and jennie understands it better than she wishes to admit.

[enruby]

5 fine things.

FILL IN THE CATEGORIES BELOW WITH 3-5 THINGS YOUR CHARACTER CAN BE DEFINED BY. REPOST. DO NOT REBLOG!

TAGGED BY: @seffonie TAGGING: @zklins @basquianam @sachurisu @minghs @anthropocentrik @belleoumoi

EMOTIONS / FEELINGS / TRAITS:

passionate, lost, dreamy, rebellious, restless

GREETINGS:

hugs tight enough to make up for times of distance, excitement implied through loud chatter and endless smiles between laughter. the air warm, long nights and palm trees reminding of the freedom with being far from the country she calls home.

drowning eyes, whether from tears or wine ; an empty bottle on the table and glances towards the night-sky through the floor-to-ceiling windows of an artsy townhouse, phone on silent, the house equally so - until the right text is received, and the softest ’hi’ is exchanged over a call.

clothes more expensive than a months rent. a sigh falls when camera flashes fade out behind tinted car-windows. a nod towards the front seat where her manager sits, the knowing smile before asking if she wants to go to that one place. the answer is always yes.

feet over hardwood floors, steps light, arms draped around a set of shoulders and the question of what will be for breakfast.

white sheets soft upon skin when rolling over, closer to a source of warmth, and there’s a half-whispered good morning on a cloudy sunday morning.

COLORS:

#87CEEB/ #B8BEC3 / #F8D3A2 / #841922 / #D0D9D4 skyblue, cloud gray, sunset peach, ruby red, blue flower

SCENTS:

bath roman bath salts in relax lavender. chanel n’5 bath gel with its subtle hints of jasmine. tom ford soleil neige (vanilla, jasmine) 
 tom ford fucking fabulous (lavender, vanilla, leather)
 gucci bloom (peach, jasmine, sandalwood)

CLOTHING:

baggy pants, be it suit, cargo or jeans with crop tops. 
oversized t-shirts, hoodies or blazers worn with bare legs and sneakers. open-back dresses or open tops with nothing but possibly thin strings draped over her spine. short black mini-dresses.
 loungewear sets in neutral shades of gray, brown or beige in the shape of mini shorts with a tank top.

OBJECTS:

a sofa in the shape of a cloud.
 a capybara plushie and the many bear ones. 
vitamins and supplements to help keep what little energy she often has. a box with analog cameras and memories that need to be kept safe. 
a french vintage medallion purchased as a gift while awaiting the right timing. 
notebooks, a big collection with endless scribbles between lyrics, thoughts, chords, dreams, love.

VICES / BAD HABITS:

seeking worth in life. is often unable to fully erase the idea that she isn’t worthy of the good in life and that good things therefore always will be temporary. thus bordering on self-destructive when seeking out ways to feel useful in a life where her career is stagnant, in hopes of being harder to throw away - this often to a point of justifying situations that cause her emotional harm or glamorizing toxic behavior from those she loves ( while reasoning they simply *care too much* )

physical pain. likes to feel. be it through overworking herself in the gym, dance studio, or even through sex. has been conditioned into thinking it’s the intensity of things that make them real and show that she is strong / worthy, so it makes for a confidence boost. unless on blue days, when it’s more of a distraction.

alcohol. a means to overcome shyness, but by now she is somewhat certain that she is more likeable of a person when tipsy than when not.

reckless behavior. knowingly approaching risky situations that may cause scandals, craving to ruin the illusion of living in a doll house and being any sort of ideal / rolemodel, because she frankly does not enjoy acting perfect or the assumption that she is.

ghosting. be it fans, members or friends, she likes to disappear when life feels overwhelming or too empty. a reoccurring factor for disagreements with her manager.

BODY LANGUAGE:

leaning in close to see what someone is doing on their phone, sneaking a hug from behind, that playful nudge when walking home side by side, invading personal space in whichever way she can, fingertips brushing over an arm, her head on a shoulder, naturally affectionate and she is a person who craves physical closeness from friends or that special someone as if it is silent reassurance that they genuinely cherish her as much as she cherish them.

an eyebrow arched and for a moment one would think she is unimpressed, but there is warmth and playfulness in her eyes, even if paired with the occasional teasing comment. and that’s exclusive for when she is comfortable around someone.

drifting gaze and prolonged silences where they are not required. heaviness. fear. but she laughs, or offers a reassuring smile. at the worst of times she will puff out her cheeks slightly, having learned that it’s an efficient way to stop eyes from getting watery.

dramatic gestures of her hand or body, cheeky smiles and laughter. not necessarily carefree but comfortable in herself and the good and bad that comes with it, the safety of being around people she can trust at her worst - or at times those that have yet to see her bad sides and be scarred by them.

crossed arms and head lowered, immensely focused ( or anxious ) and she takes in the surroundings and the information offered through it. tired but no complaints. like after long flights or the rare times when preparing for idol-related schedules in the practice room when it’s nearing sunrise and none of them have eaten or slept in over 24 hours.

AESTHETICS:

messy canvases with a lot or little colour, bed hair at 4am before the sun stretches above the horizon, water droplets smattering on a car window sometime after midnight while music mixes in as background noise, low-lit streets on summery nights with secrets exchanged through hasty kisses and a hand wandering up underneath a sundress, cloudy skies in their varying pastel hues, grays or black offering hope of her perhaps becoming equally beautiful.

HOME:

a cold place where nothing happens. white, clean, empty. like a museum it holds her secrets, high ceilings as a feigned attempt of freedom and massive windows to introduce the river and the sky. vinyl records and workout machines ( resulting in another injury about a year ago ), the illusion of freedom, privacy and many reminders of regrets.

the cold breeze caressing her cheeks on a night where sleep is too far off, and the city is too silent. the veranda close enough to the river which whispers its promises of how she will be okay.

 someday.

a kitchen that reminds of older days, and suddenly it is as if she’s 19 and safe. her father on the way back from work, her mother preparing dinner, dogs running around their legs as mother and daughter take a moment to catch up, focusing on the easier things in life, like how to best cook those traditional meals that seem stupidly hard to ace.

an apartment with dark wooden floors, a big sofa, even bigger closet with her favourite blazers and hoodies. kitchen cabinets which now are easy to navigate through. red plastic furniture on a balcony. a boy with endearing brown eyes and a smile brighter than the sun, who makes it feel like perhaps she could belong somewhere.

arms that hold her when she cannot hold herself together.

SONGS:

break my heart myself - bebe rexha, back to black - amy winehouse, superstar sh*t - dominic fike, wasted - summer walker, happiness is a butterfly - lana del rey

[enruby]

♡%    .  .  .    ❀ ❜  a  celebrity character  inspired  by  the  many  rumors  and  things  heard  of   jennie  kim.

         a  collection  of  industry  chaos  and  rich  girl  problems.   by  m.

twitter / carrd ( read for plots, disclaimer, stats & about )

writing focused, unless it’s chat threads between muses. happily writing with all verses. mature content is included on this blog, do not follow if uncomfortable. mun&muse are both of legal age. note : this is merely a character inspired by a celebrity and clichés of what may or may not happen in lives of rich and famous. based on stories from insiders, so called scandals, rumors, things happening behind the scenes in the entertainment industry and more. everything here is dramatized and fictional !

[enruby]

POWERS - Heavy

[enruby]

❪ 어디에? ❫ paris : before fashionweek.

she sets foot in france during early saturday evening, local time. like every visit ( even the unannounced ones where her travel information is leaked ), there are fans waiting. but.. the public exit of the airport goes by avoided ; not from anxiety or fear of crowds this time around, instead, it’s because of secrets, and her arm is linked with another one. a sight that has the manager shaking their head while jennie is all jetlag and smiles.

the car ride taking them to the hotel has her excitement aimed towards the room service awaiting, occupying those in the car with rambles of how hard it is to wait to eat this or that. she knows it will all be delicious, like most things in france ( besides the mussels or snails, she can’t stand those. ) and it weighs up for the almost-content dieting that her life consists of in seoul.

and much like the previous visits, the parisian hotel greets them with an assortment of desserts, strawberries and unnecessarily expensive sparkling wine waiting in the suite ; a suite not paid by jennie herself, but rather chanel. albeit it easily being a cost she could cover if necessary, choosing another hotel was not worth the hassle. just how hotel options had been ignored, no focus is given to the sleek-looking glass, which bubbles often would have her attention in the blink of an eye. and in return, his eyes speak of subtle concern mixed in with confusion, mind likely wandering back on a joke spoken not long before boarding the plane - based on how quickly he downs the served champagne.

just like the champagne, jetlag is also ignored - for plans to meet her french friends over a late-night coffee session and pizza, just like last time she had visited the city. and by now? they’re less surprised, having grown familiar to the company jennie shyly leans into the side of when the night breeze chills her. ( their familiarity not surprising, considering one of her closest french friends followed his instagram account a few years back and caused a new wave of curiosity. ) jennie thinks this is so much better than the french djs and models they attempted to set her up with months prior.

and somehow? the evening passes in the best sort of casual intimacy of just existing with people who offer to understand. there’s questions regarding hugo, work, life, books, movies, music, and it feels like a home away from home. especially as jennie initiates grabbing ice cream sometime after leaving the night-open cafe and bar.

all so that the group can part way afterwards, and jennie with an arm once again linked with another. it’s dark now. the empty side-streets silent and barely lit, and his laughter is low and warm when she almost-trips on the cobblestone sidewalk, still, he’s the pleasant contrast to the still-cold night air. and perhaps she lets him know, and perhaps it earns her a kiss under one of the old streetlamps. ’you’re pretty.’ no longer a half-whisper like it would be when sneaking out in seoul, because no one notices here, right now. and she believes it, there’s not a second of doubt when it falls from his lips, between only the two of them to hear. then jennie notices the curiosity still lingering in his gaze. unspoken questions. is this going to be a problem?

maybe. 
jennie doesn’t know, yet.
 and though she smiles ( attempted reassurance.. ) he can see the uncertainty in her gaze, too.

[enruby]

I want you to miss me. I want you to recognise me in your morning cereal and the voice of your favourite singer. I want you to wonder where I am when your fingers are stretched beneath your waistband, when you’re lighting up, when you’re tripping up that uneven step on your basement stairs. I want you to think of me when you look into your teacup and your rear-view mirror. I want you.

Camryn Pulaski (via theaftrparties)

[enruby]

"i think the beauty of nature is something that cannot be replaced. not only from the blue scenery you take in by your eyes, but also from the sound you hear once you step on snow, and that feeling of crisp air. (in moments like those) i feel like everything in me is healing by itself. i got energized by nature and made myself a promise for the new year.” 

Q. what was your promise? february is a good time to make some late new year’s resolutions.

‘let’s put more time towards a healthy body and mind.’ that’s my priority for this year. in terms of work, i also have the desire to show more of my growth than last year. but above all i want to see fans and meet them in person as soon as possible.

Q. in life there’s things that cannot be solved even if trying to. sometimes it feels hopeless / like it’s out of your hands, how does jennie handle such a situation?

even in such a situation i tend to do my utmost and try my very hardest, so i don’t have any regrets. if i can’t solve it after doing everything in my power then i have to put significance into my efforts and the process itself, and accept the outcome. even if i can’t just forget it like nothing happened.

Q. is there a specific moment that makes you realize ‘i value this person and we’re really close’? explain jennie’s way of expressing affection

i tend to be very shy. but when i’ve gotten to know somebody we naturally joke around a lot! i also become very attentive and dedicate myself to taking care of them, and generously try to shower them in my affection.

Q. do you agree with the saying that ‘life is short’? time can pass by quickly yet it can also flow slowly

normally the saying ‘life is short’ didn’t resonate with me. but when suddenly entering into 2022 i thought time had been going by really fast. i guess that’s why i keep making promises/goals for myself ; i should do my best so i can live every moment without regret.

Q. how do you feel, being seen as unique and an icon?

it’s a great honor to be an inspiration and iconic to another person. but when you express me with these valuable words, i feel like i should offer a better side of myself / be a better person. in the future i’d like to become a more friendly and comfortable me, that’s the type of thing i hope to show you.

Q. if we liken current-day jennie to a color?

i would choose sky-blue. because i like the color of the sky, with its many combinations of colors. i also want to become a person with that kind of charm.

Q. jennie’s face has an ambivalent charm. between ‘mature’ and ‘youthful’, which would be your preference? it can also be answered as in which word better describes what type of person you want to become.

both have their own appeal? so i’m certain each will have its own pros and cons. i want to be someone cool-headed who thinks rationally and acts maturely, but i also want to remain a person with an innocent/naive and bright outlook/heart.

Q. the dogs kai and kuma, how are they doing lately? what’s a memorable moment you’ve had together?

on a snowy day not so long ago we all went for a walk together and i remember how excitedly they were running. it was very cute and heartfelt so i took lots of videos and photos.

Q. it would be nice to see that on a video on jennie’s youtube channel. i also enjoyed your bakery tour video from a while ago (laughs) i didn’t expect you to choose and pay for the bread

it was a fun video to film since i was able to browse and buy bread i like to my heart’s content. next time i think it could be fun if i had a chance to make it (the bread) myself.

Q. if you could occupy a cinema all by yourself, what movie would jennie see?

there’s so many movies that come to mind. recently i watched <atonement> and thought it would’ve been really nice to see it on a big screen. if you were to watch it alone in an empty movie theater i think the impression would linger behind a little longer.

Q. we invited jennie to the kitchen for today’s shoot. it’s a place where meals and stories come and go in our homes. what kind of space is the kitchen for jennie?

at home, the kitchen is both the most casual and comfortable place, and a very precious place. it’s also where i have the most conversations with my family when i eat in their kitchen, or where we stand side by side as i watch my mom cook.

Q. during your last interview with elle you told us you get new inspiration from the process of meeting and communicating with a variety of people. how was your recent visit in paris? have you discovered any new places?

i met up with friends i hadn’t seen in a long time. we ate delicious foods together (laughs) i also visited museums and galleries when the time allowed, and discovered a lot of new things in the city. it was really enjoyable.

[enruby]

Do you think of me? Happy Birthday.

받는 사람: unknown sender

jennierubyjane                 who ? should i be? or should you be on my mind? these things matter, somehow, somewhere. regardless.. thanks for the bday wishes, hope your day was warm even if seoul was snowysnowy and cold :)

[enruby]

2021 ended, not how she envisioned it. for good and bad. but also not awfully. perhaps she carries a heart filled with more thorns, or a tired one that’s still soft like a bruised peach. but there are hints of sunshine on most of the cloudy days.

after returning from LA late 2021 she had barely been home, or.. at her own home, that is. her instagram feed not sporting one single picture taken from inside the spacious UN Village house since september. not intentionally avoiding it, but moreso that days ( and nights ) passed in the company building in means of finding distractions, or otherwise at her favourite place ( where the boy with the fluffy hair and many fisherman hats and seoul’s brightest smile can be found )

a lost bank card before christmas, excuses - even if she did lose it. and a few days turned into longer. ‘told you this would happen!’ because he offered, and she knows no place she would rather be. small touches of hers since then left behind in his hiding place ; a lego gift from spring last year, a bear candle, some clothes, her perfume lingering, new kitchen stuff ( god knows he needs them ), extra bowls for her dogs - and memories from existing side by side.

the nights not ending at their own little hideaway from the world? occasionally spent in the company of a friend, but more often with the sunrise greeted from yg entertainment. inspired by close friends - and him - she is found in the dance practice room, bothering the dancers and trying to keep up with whatever they’re practicing. unless she feels sweet, then she will send a text and ask for a song recommendation.

an overall lack of professional direction still hanging like a heavy shadow over her head, and when 2022 begins over a year has passed since their last group release.

jennie is lost, not just artistically.

contemplating whatever may come. changes for the 2023 contracts. or should they run? unless it was a mistake. all the years spent training, 6 years into their careers, and she can’t do or explore what she loves.

[ jennie plans to put focus on physical and mental health in 2022 ] reads some headlines quoting the magazine of her first photoshoot of the year.

hasn’t she always? the many public wishes of getting closer to happiness, of better health .. sometimes she blames herself ; perhaps she isn’t strong enough and that is the reason why blackpink is lacking music, promotions, creative freedom? it can be her fault.

so maybe, maybe it is a mistake. not a life for her. maybe she should follow suit of the many friends who have found meaning outside of music, in love, family, marriages. investments into their futures. the simple yet rare happiness. she wouldn’t be so useless anymore.

she thinks of the boy with her favourite oversized blazers ( they aren’t oversized, in truth they fit him perfectly, she’s just tiny ) and the yacht inspired sofa. irony, because a long time ago she found a french movie on netflix, about a yacht boy and a chanel girl, and they had seen it separately over late-night messages. jennie wasn’t yet aware of the sofa being inspired by a yacht, but perhaps he had been?

and she wonders, if one day, he would disappear alongside her. find something happier, more meaningful than the bright lights and loud cheers, something that could last longer than the both of them may, and add a meaning that isn’t so temporary in this world where most things are. let’s go, if it’s the two of us, it’d be worth it, right? each time so honest and serious, each time hidden behind a melodic voice which offers him the chance to take it as a joke in case it’s better that way ( she wants only the best for him )

perhaps they’re both bruised peaches.

like that time in november, with a request for him to heal a deeper wound, but without the direct explanation that it’s there, how deeply it sometimes consumes her, or why. a ghost from the past, following her around, fed by similarities and situations long vowed to never be repeated.

and perhaps there is something funny in it, where she seeks out that boy to fix it. ( there’s options, but they aren’t him, and jennie wanders towards dreams, not opportunities ) even with the awareness of him being made out to be a bad guy, and the awareness of her being made out to be equally bad. yet it doesn’t matter in the slightest. there is something so safe in taking the most vulnerable part and giving it to him - as if it would make no sense for anyone else to see or even know of it in its entirety. because who else could handle it so gently, understand the seriousness behind it, yet offer a small smile or meet her gaze with amusement behind the own one so it lightens up the situation enough? no one, only him.

trust. a strange thing. still she paints the issue in a softer color than entirely truthful. not because she fears he would find it pitiful, but rather the opposite ; that he would find it sad, concerning, carry too much of it. or drown with her.

so teach me. she told him that one night, always all soft and melodic, like it would be a game between the two of them rather than this very sincere request for his help. but that’s jennie and the fear of giving away too much control, in case it’s mishandled, or tossed aside, in case she is met with criticism or seen as lacking. ( refusal to even let the idol contract control her life, can’t give away too much, just to be broken. )

yet it’s exactly what she offered him: full control.

and jennie can’t recall the last time she dared to do that much, or if ever before met with a situation where able to say ‘please take this, i only trust you with it.’

[enruby]

january 17, 4:14am.

what if we run away? would you love me whole? would you share your secrets with me? we could spend nights making mischief. if i could run away with you, i bet i could make you say my name like no one else’s. i bet i could make you hear your name like never before. and then every night in a different hotel room, you could drown out the feeling that won’t leave us. with me by your side, i could see myself becoming something to you. a part that always fits.

[enruby]

HAPPY JENNIE DAY: jen's birthday plan

Q. where do you want to spend your birthday? home

Q. jen's birthday look of choice in warm/cozy knitwear..? ><

Q. food you want to eat on your birthday seaweed soup

Q. words that you want to hear the most on your birthday happy birthday ♡.♡

TO BLINK: blinks♡ this year i was once again able to spend the birthday warmly with a lot of your congratulations :) i'm always so grateful for the happy memories created with blinks. always thankful and i miss you from jendeuk♡

thank you to blinks around the world for letting me have a happy day by sending so much of your love 🖤💕 another year has now passed, but i'm happily thinking of us all getting closer. i hope we can stay healthy even through another year, and that you will see more of blackpink's jendeukie. i'm forever grateful and thank you for each and every of your precious birthday messages celebrating this day with me. 👑💗

[enruby]

220112, instagram. jennierubyjane : a little trip to paris last year i havnt shared yet 🎈 jennierubyjane : 🌅

paris is her happy place, yet occasionally also her sad hideaway.

pictures posted with no direct mention of whether they were taken from her hotel room in times where paris had been an escape from loneliness ( it always finds her ) or if they portray times when the small memo scribbled onto a cluttered gallery-wall was a message left behind out of love, in case it one day would be found by the person it was written for. if he ever needed an escape, there would be small fragments of happiness left here and there for him to find and make his own. life is a large puzzle and she’s leaving him pieces.

perhaps they would be erased or covered by other scribbles, perhaps they already are by the time jennie posts the photos.

but the meaning remains at that spot : that’s one charm with paris, and just like the city, jennie thinks she is also made for love. when nothing else exists to keep her driven, at least there is love to seek meaning in. thus sometimes her stays there are blue, other times they come in the same peachy hue as the sunrise and sunsets which she adoringly watches from the balconies. surrounded by freedom and hopefulness, dressed down and unnoticed, unimportant in the best way. a few hours of work and so many spent basking in the simple joys: good food, even better company, sweats and hoodies to stay warm because it isn’t fashionweek. no need for prestigious acts - just jennie. ( who so easily gets cold )

the same girl who gets lost in art galleries and museums, spend hours on finding small cafes and scrapbooking shops on quiet sidestreets. ( that time, it was for a gift, to capture memories that will last longer than her ) and would never forget to buy fridge magnets, even though her mother tells her they have enough of her souvenirs in the family home. debatable, according to jennie.

photos posted the same day she sees a common friend celebrate a special day, hence the balloon emoji. it isn’t random, because nothing ever is.

it’s almost your day. i’m thinking of you. i thought of you then, too.

[enruby]

Let me love you like you need.

The Weeknd - Starry Eyes.

[enruby]

things that can remind of an album.

from her favourite color - blue, and the many instagram captions with that same word, or how her group members reveal jennie suggested the name ‘blue’ for one of their pets ( but concluded it too gloomy ) or all the songs in which she carries the lines mentioning that same color.

smiles painted blue. and always waiting in a room with blue flowers. ( like those she receive each year on her birthday, a day now filled with memories of him )

or like the many nights of texting him ‘i feel blue’, ‘the blues got me’, ‘blue hours’, and him being there, ready to help, distract, or exist by her side while relating to it. as if it’s the only place in which she fully belongs.

like the fifteen-hour flights taken as if it’s the most everyday thing in the world, driven by the smallest ’are you coming back soon?’

and there is peach colored skies with clouds close to resembling a thin layer of whipped cream, kisses hot like the california summer, or the color of her lipstick which occasionally leaves behind the slightest hint of peach on his skin or white tees - matched by that same soft tone on her cheeks.

or blue like two weeks in paris, where jennie didn’t do much but mourn the loss of what felt like a part of her soul - him. the loneliest time of this year, a time she still can’t say much about. when even coming home couldn’t cure it. ( just how nothing else could when she had wished he was there to hold her, while buried in hotel-standard sheets and tears ) a summer with the one aim of acting upon self-destructive tendencies to numb whatever pain was left, or fill others with joy or hope where she thought she couldn’t find any for herself.

times spent missing him, but still filled with fears of being pushed aside again. just like in paris ; she didn’t dare reach for him. but there was nothing she would have rather done.

or a dark blue ( sometimes light ) like the vast universe with its stars and endless possibilities ( and jennie’s wishes ). or the river at night, when the moon dances over its waves and they can’t sleep. jennie about to ask him something right then, but it fades into jokes about escaping the country and french vanilla ice cream.

it warms the empty part inside of her, she wants to disappear with him.

( afterwards she responds to an interview by saying that to find peace she prefers walking by the river and feeling the breeze. he’s the person she did that with. )

vanilla like the lip balms she collects, many flavored for the amusement of having him guess which one it is this time. or like the candles in her villa - sandalwood and vanilla, smoked vanilla and tuberose, burnt cherry and vanilla. each a mood of their own, from sweet to alluring.

or like their first kiss, in the midst of decorating a cake with vanilla flavored whipped cream. her face warmer than the sunny day outside, but the request following very straightforward ’i want one more, can i have one?’

and now? always wanting one more. and another one, after the next one.

or a hungover day, with still-chilly air brushing over seoul. the sun shining in through the curtains, she’s in the bath and he holds a towel to wrap her up in. ‘oh please. you wouldn’t dare look.’ he does. ‘i’m not that nice of a guy, jennie.’

it almost feels like spring that one day, with shared laughter between small kisses, magic tricks and references to a french movie about yacht boys and chanel girls.

a kiss meant to silence whatever self-insulting comment that slips his lips : reassure, disagree with the statement. you’re enough, i think you’re enough. wandering kisses drifting into exhaled prayers, names exchanged in whispers - she’s watched by his curious eyes, and once meeting them jennie knows: the boy with the proudest smile already means the world to her. i’d do anything for you.

and somehow she belongs to him at that moment, entirely so. it lingers, throughout it all.