enigmaticwhispers

[enigmaticwhispers]

Possibly my last post

Happy birthday to me!  I'm 30 now.

I'm old now.  I wonder where I am in life?  Do I have a wife?  Kids?  A house?  A dog?!  I want a dog.  Is this blog even still active?  I mean, this IS a 6 year old post I scheduled when I was 24.  As such, quite possibly my last post.

- 24 year old self

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Happy birthday to me!  I'm 29 now.

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Happy birthday to me!  I'm 28 now.

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Happy 50th Birthday, Mom!

I am 27 now.  This is a scheduled post I made 4 years ago (hello 27 year old Sarn, from 23 year old Sarn).  What to say...if anything, I still miss you everyday.  Right now, I'm still at home.  Kao is still here, Chio lives with his girlfriend (at this time), and Kenny is also living here.  Kao has set himself to do business internationally and Kenny had also enlisted in the Navy, so we're probably on a Naval base or somewhere around the world (if we are still in the Navy).  Chio has hopefully found a life direction and living happier than he is right now.  Hopefully Dad has retired or we are making enough to send back to him so that he doesn't have to work so hard.  He'll probably be working hard anyways.  He needs a freaking break.  Remember that you made 5 year promises to people to see them and catch up with them, so don't break those promises to Karen Chuong, Nicole Johnson, Nicole Nguyen, Makenna Huey, and I forget the others at the moment, but I know you'll remember them because you love everyone.  Remember that, Sarn, in case you forget 4 years from now.  Share the love that Mom gave you.

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I sometimes forget that music can change your mood, your whole outlook about life.  Music helped me smile inside before I learned how to smile on the outside. 

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Happy birthday to me!  I'm 27 now.

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Happy 49th Birthday, Mom.

I think I'm 26 by now.  I'm writing this as my 23 year old self.  I wonder how much I've changed.  I created this post 3 years ago, and if I haven't changed the contents yet, and hopefully Tumblr is still around, then cool.  (Sorry, 26 year old self for being so immature.)  I think back on how you did birthdays for us (my brothers and I) and I always wondered, did we ever do the same for you?  Childhood Sarn can be so thoughtless.  I probably won't have kids at this point in my life, but I think that I want to throw them a party like the ones you use to throw for us.  Of if not, then raise them to appreciate such things.  We didn't have much when we were young, but you somehow were able to make us happy.  I remember being such a troublesome child.  I was so selfish then.  I always took but never gave back.  But not anymore.  I will make you proud of me.  I will strive to be a good person.  I won't embarrass you.

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I haven’t thought about this that much, but suddenly the thought occurred to me.  Age doesn’t make you wiser.  Some people who grow up and become “adults” and eventually “old people” are still little shits.  Grow up a racist and still a racist, then you’re not wiser cause you’re still a fuck.  Now, we’re all a little racist in that we use stereotypes and have preconceived ideas about other people.  When I say racists, I’m talking about those narrow-minded fuckers with short-sighted blinders who have no ability to change their views and opinions.  Doesn’t only apply to racists, but easiest example to use.  It’s like growing up and still believing the world is flat, the Sun revolves around us, the Earth is 6000 years old or some shit, or vaccines are bad for us.  That’s just being a dumb, non-critical thinking person.  And especially detrimental to the progress of humans when they shove that shit into their children’s brains and make a whole clan of dumb people living in a made up world. I’ve digressed.  I guess my point was just because you’re older doesn’t make you default wiser.  You become wiser from the experiences you have and what you’ve learned from those experiences.  There can be someone younger who have more superior analytical abilities to figure out many things in life, which is a step towards being ahead of their age group in terms of wiseness.  They’ll lack in practical wiseness, the kind you get from experiences that happen in life.  As I grow up and, apparently in others’ eyes, become an “adult” I don’t feel like an adult.  I’m always seeking to learn and experience more.  I think the real way to squander your future is when you believe you know all that you think you should, and decide to quit expanding your knowledge about the world and yourself.  You’ll live in your world of “back in my days” and scoff about how easy young people have it today compared to what we had to do then.  I know I’ve done it several times.  But one thing I’ve realized is in a couple of years, we have so many advancements in knowledge and history, that there’s more material for kids to catch up on.  And us being lazy adults, we don’t update ourselves on the new information.  We cling on to what we were taught back then and say that is “truth.”  I guess we should somewhat view and live our lives using the scientific method.  Have a strong foundation of the base knowledge, then from there learn and keep learning, updating on new information.  Because we as a people are stubborn.  We believe what we “know” as the “truth” so everyone else is wrong.  We don’t open up to the possibility that we might be wrong on some things.  We don’t seek whether we ARE wrong or right, we’re just right.  I think there’s the fear of appearing like a fool, not credible for believing in something incorrect for so long.  And that’s a problem in a society that only looks at right vs wrong, good vs evil.  We have a fixation on it.  You can just see it in the news.  I really hope some day, we as a society of people, can objectively look at a belief, have it proven wrong, say “oh, that’s wrong information so I will correct myself,” and be able to do that without the ridicule from others.  We fear so much of being wrong, that we will stubbornly protest that we are not wrong and in fact, right.  In our minds, we twist the views, lie, only to try to appear in the right.  We always demand apologies from people from saying something wrong, saying they’re a terrible person and whatnot.  How about we encourage them to be a better person?  Then maybe we will be better people that don’t immediately condemn someone, go on witch hunts, humiliate them, and throw stones. And a person will be able to hold their head up high and say, “I was wrong.  But, now I will make it right.”  And that’s all we should really expect from someone.

[enigmaticwhispers]

It’s been a while since I’ve actively posted anything in here.  I think I’ve also run out of all my scheduled posts for the last two years.  I don’t feel like deleting everything and starting new nor changing all my posts since they are all part of my thoughts and feelings at one point in my life. So, I’ll change my name.  The Lonely Dragon is now Enigmatic Whispers.  Not much meaning behind it other than it was a name not taken already. I’m a Kite without a String because in my current life, I’m not grounded to anyplace nor anyone.  A lot has not gone favorably my way and I’ve lost touch with many people.  I thought it wouldn’t be that difficult to reconnect with the people in my life, but I realize that I’m never around for anything nor anyone.  I’m too far detached and I understand that now. I travel wherever the wind blows me because the aspect of my life is I go where I’m assigned to.  So until that’s over, I won’t have a normal life.  I’ve tried very hard to hold onto those things, but feelings change for people.  Events happen.  Unexpected things occur. I’ve given up.  Given up holding on to what was.  What was will never come back.

[enigmaticwhispers]

I guess when it comes to it, people chase their own happiness. What am I chasing? Why do I keep waking up and continue to go on with this life? I haven't changed at all. I thought I did but I didn't. I keep allowing people to hurt me. It's baffling how we let go of things important in our life when we're preoccupied with the present. This is our curse: thinking too much. I would like to think that if I were important in someone's life and I said I was gonna leave or it sounded like I was, they'll say, "no, not happening." A heads up means pull me back in. Don't resign.

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I suppose the reason why I haven’t really talked to anyone is I don’t know who I can depend on.  It’s quite a feeling: to know and have so many, but know and have none.  It just might be my negative thoughts lately, but it’s how I’ve felt for most of my life. 

I could reach out more but then that begs the question again: who can I rely on?  This question was mostly answered during my more positive times, when I did try to reach out to people, but to poor success.  It’s not like I didn’t try to call a bunch of people.  But after no responses or any follow up, I’m feeling a bit like a hermit.

This brings up my next issue that I’ve thought about for a while: is there a reason to return and live in my home state?  Sure, there are people I know there, but there are also gaps of months and years in between my interactions with people.  And I grow weary of being the one to initiate most of the contact.  I’ve tried to stay updated on people’s lives, but it depends on their participation in the exchange.  I’ve been looking for reasons to go back some day.  I do have a few reasons to stay momentarily attached.  But those reasons are fragile and can collapse if approached recklessly. In some ways, I might be running away.  Running away from all of the pain.  All my heartbreak and heartache.  All the sadness I left back there.  I’m not there and I’m missing out on being a part of their lives.  I feel like I don’t belong there anymore.  There’s no place for me.

I’m still searching for my home.

[enigmaticwhispers]

The other day someone told me that I shouldn’t forget to call my mom because today is Mother’s Day.  I looked at them and said “why would you say that to me?”  Then I just walked away.  It was lunch time at work so I just sat there forcing my sandwich in, silently crying in my carrel.  I tried my hardest not to let anyone see or hear.  When I finished my lunch, I did something I’ve never done before: I locked myself inside a bathroom stall and cried in there.  I haven’t really had a good cry or grieved in that way since the day and even during her funeral.  There were some, but there was a lot of restraint on my part.  I’ve been holding back a lot since then.  People at work often ask me in passing “if I’m okay” and everytime I just look at them and shrug cause what the fuck do they want me to say?  That I’m okay?  I’m not.  That I’m not okay.  They still wouldn’t know what to say.  So what’s the follow up to your question if I answer as you ask me every damn hour if I’m okay?  Asking me this much isn’t making it okay.  You’re not helping me sort through the things swirling in my head all day.  I’ve been restraining myself a lot, mostly because everything that everyone does annoys me and I get angry and I just want to punch someone.  But I can’t do that because I lose my job.  I function enough so that I can keep my job and do my daily errands.  Just because I can do that doesn’t mean I’m okay.  If I’m trying to laugh or trying to smile, I’m still not okay.  It’s not a fucking switch.  I can’t just flip and say, yup I’m okay.  No, I’m not.

[enigmaticwhispers]

Hiatus mode

May 1, 2015: You have reached the end of your scheduled posts, Sarn.  If you read this and have internet access and haven't written anything for a while, then hopefully you see this, then start updating.  Not sure if Tumblr will still be a thing now, or if people will still read.  This lame post might be the last "long" post I do.

But, this post is to let those know not to expect anything regular, other than my far reaching saved posts.

[enigmaticwhispers]

Most stories are a love story, or have some sort of romance thrown into it for dramatic motivation.  But that's fine.  It's easy to predict these general themes.  What really makes the story is how it is told.

[enigmaticwhispers]

One of the most deceptive quality of friendships is the length.  Sure, some people may gauge a friendship by how long they've known a person.  Longer means better, right?  Well, I used to think this but I've come to realize that the quality is the most important.  I've known some people for many years, but don't actually know much about them.  I've come to also known people for a short amount of time and know a lot about them.  I don't really want to categorize types, but differentiating and knowing which friends falls under which category is useful.  This is not a comprehensive analysis.  I'm just trying to make sense of some things.

There's the people you hang out from proximity.  Most of the friends you made probably went to the same school as you.  You may have some friends from other schools, but a majority of your circle and people you know came from the school you attended.  But as soon as you graduated, think back to how many you still talk to.  Not that many.  Many of them don't really remember you.  A few might check up on you from time to time, but for the most part, once you left the proximity then contact is pretty much gone.  Take for instance, in the college town I lived in, I saw friends often.  It was easy cause we were all in the same place.  But as soon as I graduated and left, staying in contact with them became more difficult.  Of course, I still can check up on them online, but it's different.  We just can't call each other up, arrange rides, and go hang out at someplace.  We all live in different cities.  Our proximity isn't the same.

There are then the good friends you have.  These are the ones that stay in contact with you, despite distance.  Talking to them doesn't feel weird, even if you two haven't physically met or talked for an extended period of time.  You know them well enough to have inside jokes and can re-live those moments you both shared back in the old days.  They're the ones you call up (or they call you up) when you're in town for the off-chance that they might be free for some catch up conversation.  You meet for an hour or however long you can make it last with them.  Warm nostalgia. 

It's nearing the end of my full job training in the Navy.  I wonder who I still keep in contact with or those who really try to keep in contact with me because keeping in contact while in the military can be complicated and it tests your patience.  But, I left knowing they exist.  That's all I really need to know.

[enigmaticwhispers]

I don't know why I haven't felt much concern about joining the military.  Some of my friends have expressed concerned about me and my well-being when I told them about it or when they heard about it.  I think it might be their perceptions or beliefs about the military and the life, and also fear of violence and war, which I can also understand too.  I mean, I understand that I will be put in situations where harm might befall me.  And military life isn't for everyone.  The mentality is different.

I do understand the probable dangers and risks.  However, I see much more gains and benefits for me.  But, I can't shy away from something just because it looks dangerous.  I'm not a hero, but I will try to save someone if I can, even if it's dangerous.  I will sacrifice myself, not to be remembered.  But, because someone needed help.  If someone was in trouble, the last thing I'd think about is how much fame and recognition I'll get from the deed.  I've always wanted to avoid such celebrity status.  I'm a very private person.  I have an open door policy, but also a privacy room.

It's been almost a year and a half since joining the Navy.  I don't know where I am right now.  This post was scheduled in September 2013.  But I hope my readers have been reading these.  If at least one person is, that's fine.  One person is all I need.

[enigmaticwhispers]

Almost everyone will expect your reaction to be mean, so catch them off guard - kill them with kindness.  Then they have no reason to be mean to you.  They'll only look more like a jerk if they continue to be mean to you after you are nice to them.

I'm not saying to ignore their behavior and be nice no matter what they do to you.  If you are mean to them or decide to do mean things out of revenge, they'll have a reason to keep tormenting you.

But, if you're nice and they're still mean to you, people will see it.  They might turn over a new leaf.  Then they're just being mean out of embarrassment and guilt of being mean to you when you're so nice.  They'll re-evaluate their whole life.

Then you have killed them with kindness.