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Quarantine Blues

Feeling a little iffy about my emotions right now so I guess it’s good to just really write things down and clear my thoughts when I feel calmer and not so steeped in my emotions. 

I guess the quarantine blues are really getting to me. In the first place, I’ve never liked working from home and was never really productive at home. At the start of quarantine, I was more driven and could skip lunch to do work, but I guess the motivation is dying off. I find it harder to focus now with no enjoyments in life or reward at the end of the day, which results in my lack of productivity and motivation.

The stress of making mistakes is getting to me now too, I suppose. With everyone’s patience stretching thinner, mistakes are taken to less kindly especially because people will have to pull their load, regardless of whether they’re new or not. The learning curve which was already not easy has been further made difficult. There is simultaneously less patience to answer questions. I feel bad harassing everyone, knowing they’re all really busy and neither am I very close to them. 

The whole covid fund business was what really broke me down I suppose. I guess its because I felt that I was really trying my best, and trying hard to kope but this effort was not getting seen and understood.  

I don’t think I could force myself to work till 12am everyday or at least I don’t think I am prepared to. And the difficulty in this is when people ask me “why are you so busy”, I find that my brain cannot sufficiently remember and articulate to them why I am so busy. This makes me insecure, and makes me feel that my emotions are invalid. When everyone else is so busy, who am I to say that I am stressed.  Why can’t I get through things that people are going through right now too. 

But I suppose everyone is different and everyone has their own strengths. Mine does not lie in working through the night and I have always known that. It is a struggle to adapt to my current work’s schedule. 

I find that sometimes people may not understand that things that are obvious to them would take me much longer to complete because I am new and I have to ask around before I finally get the answers. I am still adapting to the new workplace and its taking time. I haven’t had time to learn expectations and the stress has taken its toll on me. 

I suppose the only question now is some self reflection and what I can do better.  

1. I need to find ways to get out of my funk of working at home and increase productivity :-) That includes being prepared to work a bit later. 

2. Explain things to people if need be, that certain things takes longer for a new staff to do simply because I am still learning. I am also still trying to adapt and in the learning curve, some patience could help. 

3. Plan my work and time better, and deal with things as they come. Prioritise work and take things one step at a time.

I’m feeling so much better now in weeks now that I’ve cleared everything up. 

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