emmy4418

[emmy4418]

Eternal Bliss.

Sometimes I wonder if my mental illness is really just a figment of my imagination. Something holding me back, except it isn’t even real. Something I imagine because of the comfort it holds to me, knowing that it’s the only part of my entire life that I still have ahold of. Time slipping away, memories fogging over.

I have no idea who stares back at me in the mirror. I know her from head to toe; but don’t know who she really is. I don’t know what she likes, I don’t know what she has passion for, the things that make up “her.” I can see the spark trying to ignite but the flint keeps getting wet in the rain.

I hear the rain splattering all over the concrete. I close my eyes and it’s like I’m right there. A kid in rain boots splashing around, the cool air filling my lungs. The feeling of being connected to the earth and everything it has to offer. The smell of worms after the clouds fade away, the blanketed warmth of the sun. Watching as the flowers come to life again, and the horizon above getting painted with the dewy drops of rain and the suns light; creating a rainbow masterpiece.

Nobody talks about the loss of yourself as time goes on, and that leaves me wondering, what’s the difference between what normal is, and what I experience? What is normal anyways? Who just makes the decisions that these things are “normal” just because it’s a shared experience abroad?

Pregnancy was an entire experience in itself; and now learning how to divide myself and who I am compared to being a mom is extremely hard. They say being a mom is made up of who you are, but what if I don’t know who I am anymore? What if I don’t want “being a mom” to be all I am known for?

Being a mom is everything to me. I have zero regrets of being a mom, and my son is the reason for my living. But being a mom isn’t what defines you. Being a mom isn’t what your personality is made up of, and isn’t the thing you need to introduce yourself as.

I read that self-discipline is basically an example of how much you respect yourself and I realized that I have zero respect for myself. I don’t take care of myself, I don’t listen to myself, nothing. Why do we do these things to ourselves? We know the consequences, we know the feelings we will have when the disappointment of ourselves is back, yet the workload and tasks are paralyzing. The things we struggle with so much aren’t even hard. It’s literally basic living. So why do we make ourselves suffer?

When will we find eternal bliss?