emilysdarkside-blog

[emilysdarkside-blog]

At the thought of Spencer, Emily saddened a bit. She could see where the girl was coming from in ignoring them, wanting to get away from them and start anew, but no one would understand what they’d gone through besides them. “I get it, her wanting to forget it all, but it’s not like we caused this. We were there for her through it all we’ve been there for each other. I could never do that. Forget her, or you. As much as I’d say let’s invite her, I don’t think she’d want to come along. For her we are a part of what she wants to forget. For me, you and Spencer are the only things I want to remember.”

Breathe, just breathe

Hanna bit down on her bottom lip, knowing she would feel bad for leaving her mother but the woman would understand that Hanna needed to be anywhere other than there. She loved the older woman but it didn’t matter, not really, not when being there was crushing anything good in her that she had left. “Should we invite Spencer or should it be just us? I mean… it’s not like Spencer pays any attention to us anymore. It’s like she can’t wait to get out of here and forget us. All of it.”

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Emily agreed. “I can’t even get a good night’s sleep here anymore. I can’t wait to actually get out of here, money in hand and we’re gone. We should plan it out so that as soon as we get the money, we can just go.” She wouldn’t be sad leaving this town. She wouldn’t miss the hell hole that had scarred her so much.

Breathe, just breathe

Hanna gave a nod of her head in agreement, although the thought of taking back her life seemed impossible. She had thought up around a thousand ways to kill herself when the time was right, so maybe a trip away was just what she needed. With a small frown, she ran her fingers through her hair and she took a deep breath, “We need to get out of here, I can’t breathe in this  place. As soon as we get that money, and whatever we can get from our parents, we should just leave. First interesting looking flight out of here.” 

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The corners of Emily’s mouth rose then. “We should. Maybe not a bucket list, but rather a Fuck It List. More so fuck it let’s do what we want list.” The idea of them making a list and doing everything and then some on it was more and more appealing to her. “We could put so much distance between us and this place. It wouldn’t just be a dream, but more so it would be reality. We would finally be taking back our lives,” she said, grinning at the prospect. Every bad thing could be left behind. They could simply be and live. She didn’t know what life was like being carefree, but she hoped to find out.

Breathe, just breathe

Hanna knew Emily was right - they had been free for a little while now and both of them had acted as though they were still trapped. Depressed,,alone, terrified of anything and everything. They were meant to be free, and instead, she felt as though she only replaced one dollhouse for her own version. “You’re right,” She whispered, smiling at the other girl, “We should… make a list. W should do everything we’ve wanted to do and so much more. We have a hefty bit of victims compensation coming our way soon, we could go away.” 

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“Now we can look forward to things,” Emily said, hoping that it was true. She hoped that they could now actually begin looking forward to life. “It may take a while, but this can be our start. If all goes well today, how about we try to do this or something like it every once in a while. We’re free, let’s be free,” she said, thinking that the prospect of getting away had actually liberated her.

Breathe, just breathe

Hanna hadn’t felt genuine excitement in so long, she had almost forgotten how it actually felt. The way her heart thumped against her chest, how a smile seemed so natural in that moment. She was beyond happy that they would finally be doing something they had dreamed about for so long. “I missed feeling excited, it’s been so long since we actually had anything to look forward to.” 

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The feeling of Hanna’s hand in hers made her smile. It was rare these days that she did smile. There was only one person that could cause the upturn of the corners of her lips to make that smile happen and it was Hanna. They’d been through so much, but the other woman was literally the only person that could make her smile anymore.

It had been like music to her ears to hear the excitement that laced Hanna’s tone as she mentioned the beach being where they belonged. It had been the place they often talked about and it was truly the place that she wanted to be. “That sounds like the best plan to me.” She waited a beat as they walked before she said anything else. Randomly the thought nagged at her and she said, “I missed the sound of your excitement. It’s nice.” When they got to the car and got in, Emily felt herself let out a breath she had held til they made it there.

Breathe, just breathe

A real beach. It was crazy that they hadn’t thought about it before because it was all they had thought about when they were in that place. They struggled with everything though, sometimes getting out of bed was the most difficult thing. Hanna often felt as though she had this huge weight on her chest that stopped her from doing everything. She didn’t want to eat, she didn’t want to move, she just wanted to lay in bed and stay with Emily. 

Going to the beach sounded perfect though. Laying there with her best friend, the person she loved so much, sounded absolutely perfect. Her hand in Emily’s, she walked to the car, throwing the keys at her. “We’ll stop off and then we will be where we belong…” She was excited for the first time in so long, she just wanted to feel the sand beneath her fingers and listen to the sound of waves, she wanted to snuggle Emily just as they had imagined.Now it didn’t have to be imagination, it could be completely and utterly real. 

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She perked up when Hanna agreed, telling her that she has her car and they could go whenever. For a second, Em waited for the logical side of her brain to start making excuses as to why they shouldn’t go, and shouldn’t do this, but she didn’t care and didn’t hear the consciences she once had putting up a fight. “That sounds perfect actually.”

Emily stood a beat after Hanna, a smile odd and unfamiliar to the workings of her face as of late, appeared on her face. “I finally get to lay on that beach with you and it not be a fantasy.” She took Hanna’s hand in hers as they started to walk towards the car. Emily could almost taste the fresh air, the feel of sand beneath her toes, and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. “We better hurry if we want to get there without getting caught.”

Breathe, just breathe

Safety. That’s what Emily was to her. That, and so much more but for the most part, Emily was the one person in the world who could make her actually feel safe and comfortable despite everything that had happened to them. She pulled back at the question and smiled at the other girl, “Yeah,” She replied, “I have my car, so we can go wherever.” She didn’t care how much trouble they could get in with their parents, they were meant to be free. The beach had been their safe place and had to have been imagined up until this point. They would finally have their beach. 

“We could grab some smokes and a drink on the way,” She suggested, they were both struggling to come to terms with everything that had happened and she was trying to find some form of happiness, or comfort. Something that was impossible, and she had no idea how many coping mechanisms she would have to go through before she finally came to term with everything that had happened. Slowly, she stood up, eager to be at a real beach with Emily, because that would be the ultimate freedom. 

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Emily’s fingers roamed absentmindedly through Hanna’s hair. The soft blonde locks, easily parting for Emily’s passing fingers. She listened as her best friend spoke about the glares. That’s what got to her too, the glares and the whispers. “I made it to class, late, but I made it. But the whispers and the glares were just too much. Maybe we’ll be old news after a week. You know how high school goes,” she said with a hopeful tone, even though she didn’t have much hope that this was true.

She sat there quietly for a moment, knowing that they should go back to class. They should rip the metaphorical bandaid off, but Emily didn’t want to do that. She just wanted to spend time with Hanna. It was the only way she felt comfortable these days. “You wanna go to the beach? A real one?” Emily asked. Now that they were free, they didn’t have to go to a metaphorical beach. Sure it might get them in trouble with their parents, but since she’d been freed of the hell hole, she hadn’t felt free at all.

Breathe, just breathe

The relief washed over her the moment Emily was there. Sometimes, it felt as though it was just the two of them - Spencer was still there, and Hanna knew if she said she needed and wanted the other girl, she would come but their relationship was broken. Spencer wanted to get out of there as quickly as she possibly could and forget everything that had happened, and Hanna felt the same but somehow, Spencer seemed to be coping so much better. At least on the outside. 

“Nothing,” She whispered, as she snuggled into her best friend, her eyes closing as she gripped onto Emily’s jacket, “I just don’t like being stared at, I just want to graduate and leave Rosewood but I can’t if all people do is look at us.” She wished she had taken up the option to be home schooled but the financial pressure of that on her mother just caused her to feel guilt. 

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Emily stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment as she got dressed for her first day of high school. Her do-over senior year. She didn’t see why she couldn’t just get the alternate diploma and drop out. It would be the equivalent to the high school diploma. Going to school, having all those eyes on her, it made her chest tight just thinking about it. She’d much rather go to the shooting range and practice her shots. It oddly calmed her, picturing hooded figures instead of the paper target that she had. Her mother didn’t know that’s where she ran away to, but it wouldn’t be long before she figured it out. Instead of being fashion conscious, Emily went for comfort and tugged on her father’s army jacket. It was her favorite, and made her feel closer to him when he was away.  

When she entered the building, she was late missing her first period class, but she was there. Eyes were on her in the office, and a look of sympathy given to her by the secretary as she got a late pass. Nervously, she pulled the jacket closer around her. She’d taken the pass and headed for her first class. As she took a seat in the back, her eyes scanned the class, but they were all staring at her. They were whispering about her. Emily’s leg began to bounce nervously and she tapped her pencil’s eraser against the desk in time with the bounce. In her mind, it felt overwhelming to sit in this classroom. Her heart began to race and she tuned into the whispers they were all that she could hear. She tried to focus on her own little square, her space, her desk. Tap, tap tap, went her pencil, but it wasn’t as quiet as she was hoping for it to be.  The entire class was staring now. Even the teacher.

At their staring, Emily dropped the pencil and left the room. It was then and only then did she check her phone, about to call her mother, when she saw the text from Hanna. She went to find her. She found her friend and slid down to sit next to her. “Hey,” she spoke gently, her harms around moving to envelope Hanna. Emily placed a light kiss on her head. “I’m here now,” she assured her. To be honest, holding Hanna in her arms was her calm place. It was her happy place. “Are you okay? What happened?”

Breathe, just breathe

It was the first day back at school since everything had happened, and whilst it had been almost two months since they had returned and everyone in their year had graduated, there were still people who knew. They were infamous. Hanna could feel her heart thumping hard against her chest, her palms were sweating and her body was shaking as she bit down on her lip and found herself hiding outside, behind a wall. 

Walking into the school had been terrifying and the way people looked at them had only served to make her feel even worse. Before the bell had even rung signalling the first class, she had already run away. It was all too much to even think about and she wished she had never come back. The class they were meant to be in had graduated a long time before, and now, they were stuck in senior year and Hanna doubted she would ever leave with a high school diploma. 

She slowly moved to slide down the wall, wrapping her arms around her knees as she did what her counselor had told her to - take deep breaths whenever she felt as though the world was getting too much. Count to ten, breathe in, count to ten, breathe out. Close her eyes and picture she was in her favourite place (Emily’s arms, safe on their beach which forever remained within their imagination), try to relax and focus on living her life. 

Finally, she opened her eyes and glanced down at her phone, she had text Emily just to let her know where she was. She didn’t want her to worry, especially if she was dealing with it all relatively okay, and even more so if she wasn’t. 

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Emily pulled Hanna closer, wanting to wrap her securely in her arms. She wanted to hold her as if she were never going to let her go. She wanted Hanna to feel what she’d been wordlessly trying to convey that she wouldn’t let her go, not again. She would keep her safe this time. If she had to fight to the death she would so that her best friend would never have to suffer again. “I’m here,” Emily assured her. “And I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.” That was a promise she planned to keep this time.

Night Terrors || Hannily

Hanna didn’t think she had done enough, she could have and should have been able to protect her even more. Emily had been hurt, or taken from her far too often in there. She had spent more time in the hole than anyone else and Hanna just wished she could have protected her from all the bad things in the world, as well as the dollhouse. 

She had known the answer to her own question but it still caused her heart to thump harder against her chest and she held onto Emily a little tighter. “Okay…” Was all she said, because her best friend was right, maybe it would help them move on from it all. She was tired, and her eyes closed as she snuggled further into the other girl. She was safe in Emily’s arms, that’s all she knew right then. She was safe, for right then.

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When Hanna handed her the bottle she took a generous sip and closed her eyes, reveling in the feel of the alcohol sliding down her throat. It would bring a blissful buzz, she thought as she sipped a bit more. “You were perfect in there.” She offered her the bottle once more.

Emily had a ghost of a smile on her face. “I love you too. Always will,” she promised. She nodded at her question. “They won’t find A. They probably still think we’ve done this to ourselves. I’m sure we will have to investigate ourselves. Lead them to him. If we want to stop being scared, we have to try.” She leaned down and placed a kiss on the blonde’s forehead. “We have to.”

Night Terrors || Hannily

Hanna took a sip,reminding herself of the days she would sit in Toby’s cabin with Caleb, trying to find something that could fill the emptiness inside of her. Now, all she wanted was something to make the night, or day easier; the medication took the edge off but not enough. She handed the bottle back to Emily and then snuggled back into her as she closed her eyes, “You did enough,” She whispered, “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you…” She opened her eyes to look at the other girl with a sad smile, “I should have done better.”

With a small sigh, she pressed her lips to Emily’s shoulder and then wrapped an arm around her waist. “I love you…” She just wanted them both to be okay, lead some sort of normal life after everything that had happened to them. “We’re going to have to find A ourselves, aren’t we? I don’t want to… b-but… the police aren’t going to.” 

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Emily nodded, uncapping the bottle and handing it over to Hanna. “Of course.” It was a large bottle and if they ran out, Emily would just slip downstairs and grab another. She shook her head at Hanna wanting to take her place in the hole. “I wouldn’t want that for you. It was hard to be away from you, but I’d have rather been there than you. I tried to keep you as safe as I could.” Emily placed a kiss on Hanna’s temple. When they had to pick, when A finally broke her and she decided who would get hurt, she tried not to pick Hanna until A made it harder for her not to allow Hanna not to get hurt. Emily did all she could to save the woman from the torture. When she refused to pick, it was her that got the torture instead of the others. She just wanted to protect Hanna at all costs, but she hadn’t been able to. Emily took the bottle from Hanna’s hold and took a generous sip herself, before handing it back. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t do a better job of protecting you.”

Night Terrors || Hannily

Hanna hadn’t spent much time in the hole; she was sure she had been down there once, maybe even twice in the months they had spent there but never for a prolonged period of time. Emily had seen that place as much as Mona had before she had died, so she understood that the bedroom was a much more inviting choice. Hanna’s bedroom had become her own personal hell, where she had spent so much time longing to be home but never actually truly being home. She hated it. 

She bit down on her lip and looked at the bottle, she had her medication but it barely helped. She’d sleep, but she would have trouble staying asleep despite the sleeping pills they had given her. “C-can I have some?” She whispered, she would try anything just to get some sleep and to stop the panic that rose inside of her at every movement or sound. Her lips pressed against Emily’s cheek and she sighed, “I wish I could have taken your place in the hole, you were there so much more than everyone else.” 

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“Okay can be the new normal.” Emily knew they’d have to take things one step at a time, and right now just being okay was desirable. Of course good or great is the end goal, but she’d settle for just okay right now. At Hanna’s question, Emily’s shoulders rose and fell. “It’s better than the hole.” That was the last place she’d been, and she was so grateful to see a bedroom again, that she didn’t care what it looked like. “This also helps.” Emily released her hold on Hanna for just a second as she reached into her night stand for a half empty bottle form her dad’s liquor cabinet. Part of her was sure he knew that she was skimming, because he’d always buy more of the kinds that she’d taken a liking to.

“It helps me sleep. After a few of sips of this, I don’t care what the room looks like. Takes the edge off too. Makes me calm.” Sure she had some pills for that, but this plus the pills kept her very mellow most of the time, except when she actually got to sleep and her screams woke her and her parents every night. “For me, it’s just four walls, but I can look out my window, and know I’m home. I can walk out my door and know that there won’t be buzzers going off, but when I was in the hole, I prayed for this room. I begged to be able to see it again. When you don’t have the option, when you’re isolated from everything, everyone, just darkness and the occasional bottle of water, you miss it. So it’s not as bad. Now, if I was shut in a dark place? I couldn’t do that.” Her room always had a light on now. Sometimes she slept with all the lights on, plus the television. “Mom learned not to turn the lights off when I completely had a bit of a melt down after she shut the door.”

Night Terrors || Hannily

Hanna sniffed, trying to hold back the tears as she gave a small nod of her head; “Okay…” She whispered, “Maybe okay will just be our normal, I’d settle for okay…” She didn’t have to be good, or amazing, she just wanted to feel something normal. She wanted to be able to leave her bedroom (or rather, her mother’s bedroom considering she wouldn’t step foot inside her own). “How do you sleep in here?” She whispered, as she looked around, most of her time with Emily had been spent in her own ‘bedroom’ but she knew it was all the same. 

“I can’t… I ripped all the wallpaper off and made my mom chuck everything out without even giving it all a second glance and she thinks I’m crazy but I couldn’t look at it. I loved that bedroom so much and it was ruined.. how do you do it?”

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Emily had been so lost in Hanna that when the door opened, it had startled her. Her heart raced and she pulled Hanna closer, her arms around her protectively. When she saw that it was just her mother, she relaxed and her heart rate slowed to its normal pace.  She thanked her mother for the food before turning her attention back to Hanna. “We’ll get there. No one expects us to be okay right now. We’ll find okay soon though. We will.” She hoped, but for right now it would help if she said that they did, and would.

“It’s okay that we’re not okay too. I love you, not okay and all, and you love me not okay and all. We love Spencer too. So if all we are is not okay, we still have each other.” Emily’s words were brave, and she wished that they were true, that it truly would be okay to not be okay.

Night Terrors || Hannily

The blonde smiled at the thought of dancing with Emily; at some point, all these plans seemed unrealistic, but now she guessed they were somewhat in arms reach. They could happen, if they were to ever let go of how terrified they were. They could have a whole new lease of life but sometimes, she couldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. They may be able to do so much more, but there was something holding them back still and it was much harder to overcome  than she ever expected. 

She jumped when the door opened, having been caught up in all that was Emily, her hands moving to grip onto the woman even tighter than she had been as Pam held up a tray of food and told them it was something small, to line their stomachs, before she set it on the bedside table, gave them both a smile and left as quickly as she had come in. Hanna looked at her best friend and bit down on her lip, “I wish we were okay.” 

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Emily’s hand lifted to cup her cheek. Her thumb lightly grazed over her cheekbone. “You’re beautiful,” she assured. Her lips upturned in a smile at the thought of a picnic on the beach. “I’d bring all of your favorites. Maybe even some speakers to play some music. I’ve never gotten to dance with you properly anyway.” Even as she spoke, her heart hurt for the fact that maybe none of this would happen. It sounded so normal, yet they never got to experience normal.

To Em this was normal, holding Hanna, making fake plans that she’d always doubted would come to fruition. She wondered what they could do after this, how they could come out of this with normal lives. Emily wondered if she’d always be so paranoid that the game was never over. There’d been so much to deal with, so much to endure that it felt like they were simply put back on their shelves for now, to be picked up again later. She’d come out of her thoughts when Hanna had said she loved her. Those were the words she’d always lived to hear. “I love you too. Always will, Hanna.” Emily’s lips touched her cheek lightly.

Night Terrors || Hannily

Hanna smiled and shook her head, she wasn’t sure she would look so good anymore. She had scars that weren’t just emotional now, and her bones jutted out as a painful reminder that she was just a shadow of the person she had once been. She bit down on her lip and looked at the girl as she spoke, “A picnic sounds nice.” She whispered, closing her eyes once again so she could picture it all in her head. 

She wondered if she would ever be okay. She had done some research when her mother had left her alone, into kidnap victims who returned home. She had been gone a relatively short period of time in comparison and some of them led normal lives. They went back to school or college, they moved on, they helped other people. She wondered if she could be one of those because the pain she felt every single day was too much. “I love you..” Was all she said as she snuggled into the other girl a bit more, glad her mom had brought her there.

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Emily’s hand roamed up and down Hanna’s arm soothingly as she spoke. She smiled at the thought of them on the beach. “Have I told you how nice you’d look in a bikini?” She was picturing it. It was easy to picture them somewhere warm, on a beautiful beach laughing, playing around in the water, or building a sand castle. Emily hadn’t remembered the last time she truly laughed. Trying to recall it was exhausting because it was so far back in her memory.

“Are we having a picnic on the beach? I’d pack all of your favorite things. Mom would cook it though. We know that I can’t do much in the kitchen.” She chattered on, wanting to keep talking and painting this picture to make Hanna feel relaxed. Emily knew that none of the remaining three girls were fine, and that normalcy wasn’t going to come easy, if at all for them now. But she vowed to herself that she would always look out for and take care of Hanna. She wouldn’t be able to life with herself if she didn’t. Hanna was more important to her than anything else.

Night Terrors || Hannily

Pam kept an arm around her as she walked her through the house and up the stairs, keeping the blonde steady. Hanna wondered, for a moment, when she had last eaten because she could barely stand on her own feet and Pam must have known that because she was holding onto Hanna as though something was going to happen to the blonde at any given moment. She turned her head to watch her mom go into the kitchen with Emily’s dad, was she fed up of her already? 

She shook that illogical thought off, though, because she knew her mother loved her so much. She was just tired, and so was Hanna but the blonde couldn’t see a way out of the cycle she had gotten herself in. She’d lay in bed all day, but she would barely sleep; just drift in and out until a noise, or her own thoughts woke her up. She knew where she was heading as the door opened but she still held her breath until she saw Emily pop out from under her covers and quickly run towards her. Hanna didn’t even notice the older Fields leave as she wrapped her arms tightly around her best friend and closed her eyes, taking in the moment for as long as she could, she had almost forgotten how it felt to be around her. 

She didn’t say a word until she was in the bed and Emily was next to her, smiling as she rested her head in the crook of the other girls neck, “The beach,” She whispered, her voice hoarse, almost sounding foreign to her because asides from telling the police what happened and telling her mother she wasn’t hungry, she couldn’t really remember the last time she had spoken. 

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Emily heard murmurs and talking, there was no way she was going to sleep tonight. Not with all the noise. She couldn’t make out what was happening, but her brain had told her to stay put. Afraid that she’d see something that she didn’t want to see. She heard foot steps approaching and the logical part of her brain told her that it was her mother or father. The illogical part of her brain took her back to the dollhouse and her fear that A was coming. She pulled the cover up over her head and pretended to be asleep, she didn’t move or breathe as her door creaked open. “Em,” her mother called softly. “Honey you have a visitor.” Emily peeked out from the covers to see Hanna. She could feel her entire body relaxing then.

She threw back her covers, jumped out of bed and wrapped her arms around Hanna tightly. “Hi,” she said still holding her close. Pam smiled a bit and left the room, no doubt going down stairs to talk to the other adults about the state of their children. Emily led Hanna to her bed, and she slipped in next to her, wrapping her arms around the petite blonde. “Where do we want to go on our date tonight?” Emily asked almost out of habit as if they were still in the dollhouse and playing pretend. Though it was this game of pretend that always helped calm Em down. Always gave her just a tiny bit of hope.

Night Terrors || Hannily

Being released from the hospital had been just as terrifying as Hanna thought of all the worst possibilities. They were safer in hospital than they were in their own homes. She left the house after that only to go to the police station to make multiple statements, to go over the specifics, to tell them every detail of what had happened to them whilst it was still ‘fresh in her mind’. She wanted to laugh and tell them it would always be fresh in her mind, because her nightmares were filled with what her life had been. 

Her room was exactly as it had been when she left, her mother had thought it would offer a form of comfort but instead, Hanna found herself sitting in the middle of the room willing for it to go away. Soon enough, whilst Ashley was sleeping, she cracked and threw everything out, taking everything out of her room including the wallpaper until it was all gone and it was just an empty shell of a bedroom. The room she had once loved but now, it just reminded her of the dollhouse. 

She had assumed it would help her sleep but nothing could stop the nightmares. The blonde slept next to her mother, and Ashley would cling to her as though she was terrified Hanna would just disappear. Even the comfort of the woman she loved so much couldn’t ease the nightmares. 

It was one in the morning on the ninth day she had been home when she found herself being gently pulled from the bed, a blanket wrapped around her before Ashley placed a kiss on her forehead. Whispered apologies followed as she rubbed her daughter’s back and led her from the house and into her car. Neither Marin said a word for a few short moments, before Ashley pulled up to the Fields house where Pam was waiting outside for her. Both mothers looked as exhausted as each other and Hanna frowned in confusion as Pam opened the door for her and wrapped an arm around her, causing Hanna to flinch away before she relaxed and looked up at the house. Emily. She was there and it was enough to get Hanna’s feet moving along with the two women’s who quietly discussed if their plan would work. 

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Night Terrors || Hannily

Emily hated being home. She would take it to the doll house any day, but here she was alone and she was so used to the comfort of at least Hanna by her side. Here, every bump and creak in the night jarred her from her sleep. She sat up, her mind reeling as she ran through all the possibilities of who or what those sounds could really be. She found herself never being able to sleep for long as she had what felt like the worst dreams, but she couldn’t remember them. She could just remember that she always woke up screaming and in a cold sweat. 

Her parents must have been tired, as their rest was always interrupted by their screaming, terrified daughter. Emily hated being a burden, but she just couldn’t help what her body did on its own. She didn’t know how she’d adjust back into the day to day life, but she knew that she was going to have to. Truth be told, as long as A hadn’t been caught, she knew that she wasn’t going to be able to fully rest. Also also as long as she slept there alone, rest was not coming to her. She wanted to text Hanna ask her if she was okay, but she was even afraid of her phone, afraid that once she began to use it there would be more messages from A. Emily felt as if she were in a prison, in her own home and in her own life.