emeraude-d-aout

[emeraude-d-aout]

Well since this app serves me no purpose anymore I'm done with it.

If anyone on here actually gives a damn about who I am and wanna chat hmu on SC : tortured_flame

Bye.

[emeraude-d-aout]

Ya know it's crazy that as I sit here arguing with myself I realize my own thoughts, "I dont know. I'll figure it out" isnt that what you always said you didnt wanna hear right? And I told you I couldn't not feel that way... and I see its because I was so nervous all the time.. so anxious and terrified of exactly this.. my nightmares...losing you.. and look at me.. still here. By myself. Alone. Terrified of the now as I was always terrified. I am absolutely riddled in fear. I just wanted to yet better with you.. you helped me so much.. you did..I thought I was finally, finally on the right track...

Anyway, I dont even know what the point of these posts are anymore.. I have no clue if you see them or if you care or if you have me blocked in a way I cant even tell. I dont know anymore.. and you would think that would make me want to stop even posting at all or just delete the app but I dont, I just do this because I dont know what else to do..

I dont know.. sorry if you do see this... but I doubt it by now..I guess I'll just never know

[emeraude-d-aout]

I dont know if you still see these, I wish I knew if you do or not..

Last night I had a really bad anxiety attack like bad bad. I got completely tense, my chest hurt so bad, I couldnt catch my breathe. I felt completely frozen for a solid 30min. But it didnt just go away.. it stayed and I had to force myself to breathe I felt like I was going to pass out. It left me so extremely exhausted.

Too many thoughts started stirring in my head and I could hear your voice over and over, "if you need me I'm here. If you need me I'm here. If you need me I'm here"

That's all I heard. Your voice was screaming it. I could see your face, your eyes.

I wanted to msg you and ask you to talk to me to help me calm down. But I was frozen. Your voice on repeat. Then on top of that I didnt want to msg u and u either not reply or you tell me to deal with it by myself.. I didnt know what to expect...

I dont know anything anymore

[emeraude-d-aout]

Remember all the tarot readings?

Remember how when I would pull the cards when we asked like a "3 month from now future" and they would always pop up "love. Romance..etc"

But when you did it, it was always really conflicted and never a straight answer or it would be "doomful" ???

Remember that???

Maybe it was reading how we felt..

It read that I saw a bright loving future with you. I felt it in my fucking soul that you were it. The one. The everything.

But you... you didnt. You already felt it was doomed. Guess your gut was always the right one tho right?

Just a thought I guess. Its just things that pop in my head every second if every single day. Still.

Do you even see these anymore? Did you block my posts on here and I just dont know? Can u at least like it so I can at least know that I'm not slightly reaching at brick wall... idk... I just wanna know if you're there..

And if you are there.. your birthday present is still on the way to you just so you know if you care.. it came from pretty far and it took way longer to ship than I thought but.. still it's still coming.. thought I'd let you know..

[emeraude-d-aout]

Wanna know specifically what memory came to mind when I saw our old neighbor?

When we were out back trying to get them pissy because she was a fuckin bitch and so we were talking extra loud and you said "I can't wait to marry you, make you my wife. That's gonna be the best the day of my life."

Remember that??

Ya me too.. and it fuckin hurts.. I can still hear you in my head and that wont ever go away.. I hear your voice. I see your eyes. I feel you..

No matter what I do this will always cause me pain...

[emeraude-d-aout]

Well that was super...

Just saw our old stupid bitch face neighbor and all I was hit with was memories of you. I had to get out of the store as quick as I could before havin a full blown panic attack.. its great.. and now my fuckin chest is hurting like a fuckin bitch.. cant even go anywhere.. I'm sick of havin such bad anxiety like this.. I'm fuckin ruined..

[emeraude-d-aout]

And you unfollowed me on tiktok?

Am I that easy to erase for you?

You still follow my page here I see but I dont know if you still have my notifications on. I doubt it then...

Goddamn...

I couldn't bare the thought of deleting you from anything.. couldnt even let that thought cross my mind no matter how much a post hurt because I didnt want to erase you.

Do you want to erase me?

Honestly, do you?

[emeraude-d-aout]

You deleted me off fb? What happened to your "I wanna be friends" ?

You just delete me.. just like that??

[emeraude-d-aout]

I told myself I would be fine.. its just a city it's not gonna affect me any.. but no.. I enter slidell, I look around and boom I'm hit with a full blown anxiety attack.. ya I'm fine.

I really thought it wasnt gonna affect me but my anxiety had other plans apparently.. super.

Life cant get better if my anxiety literally takes over.

[emeraude-d-aout]

"Bye felicia" really??

Glad u can move on so easily...

I really really really hope that you dont think I was nothing to you because I sure feel that way.. like I was just a bump in your road that had to be run over...

This pain is literally eternal for me..

And it seems to you theres no pain.. you're just.. fine..

You know how badly I want to talk to you just to talk and I cant. I literally cant because it causes me pain. Not talking to you causes me pain. It's all painful no matter what I do. Talk about. Dont talk about it. Distract myself.

Nothing works.

[emeraude-d-aout]

Like...wait.. real shit ok here me out.

I asked you why you gave back that coffee mug and the ring and you said "I guess I didnt want the reminder"

And yet you keep all this other stuff? How can you say you dont want the reminder but yet you still have other reminders?? How does it not hurt for you to keep those things? How does it not cause you pain seeing it just sit there right on your shelf right where you can see it???

Like did you just give me back the cup and ring just to mess with me? Was it supposed to he thrown in my face or something? Like honestly I dont understand what so ever. I feel like I was nothing to you. All that time and I ment nothing.. when I thought I ment the world..like you did to me

[emeraude-d-aout]

How? For real how?? How can you keep that candle?? THE candle??? How can u see that and not break??? How can u keep that frame that days "home is where I'm with you" the frame we got together specifically for us to put our picture in??? How...??? Did I ever mean anything to you? Like I'm serious... did I mean nothing?

[emeraude-d-aout]

I'm glad your loving your vibe. That's awesome. Kinda shocked though that you kept the fake flowers that you gave me for valentines.. that kinda hurts.. but again not posting to ruin your vibe, really do you. But damn.. I wish I was able to keep things and not feel such pain.. I literally have thrown out eberything.. my clothes...anything relating to spn.. all of it gone.

All except for my bitch bracelet and moose necklace. That I still have in a bag put away. Definitely not on display and I'll never wear it.. but idk I guess I just feel things differently..

But glad your enjoying yourself..

I hope you like your birthday gift once it gets to you next month...

That will be the last thing you get from me so I hope you like it..

[emeraude-d-aout]

Just continued to shatter my own heart..

I went to delete the picture file I had saved of you because everytime I opened my gallery I saw your face.. your eyes.. you... I couldnt bare it.. it was killing me... so I hit delete.. but then I saw a screenshot I forgot I had taken of our texts that I saved.. then I remembered why I saved it.. I saved that shot because it was my reassurance that you werent going anywhere.. it was my reassurance to help when my anxiety got really bad..

I couldnt delete the screenshot...

You still have me hooked on you even though you arent hooked on me..

[emeraude-d-aout]

I just lost my appetite...

I wish I could take a selfie without looking like the most pitiful person in the world..

I've tried taking pictures, I cant.

I dont smile. I look completely terrible.

And no I'm not trying to make you feel bad about your post, do you.

I just wish I could be that way I guess...

..hope you like your gift whenever it gets there..

[emeraude-d-aout]

I'm not reaching out, I just wanted to put something somewhere I guess..

Got hit with yet another full blown hard af anxiety attack. This one didnt even have a trigger. I was just full blown slammed into a fucking brick wall.

Part of me wants to ask you do you miss me like I miss you? Does this hurt this bad for you too? Do you still cry?

And none of that even havin any kind of attitude behind that, I'm genuinely curious but also afraid to ask.

Then to top that, what happens when I look and see what time it is..?

12:34 isnt that always the time..?

Do you know how hard it is not to notice that time? Because it feels pretty damn impossible to me..

But..anyway.. I hope you had a good birthday... I wanted to tell you I got you something its just going to take a bit before it gets to you. But figured, guess you will just find out whenever it gets there..

[emeraude-d-aout]

I should just stop watching tiktok 🙃