embolden-the-broken

[embolden-the-broken]

Rationalizing the irrational (part 1)

i finished Emily in Paris. It was cute. I'm still annoyed that it got renewed and some other stuff gets cancelled immediately, but I'm just a nothing in the grand scheme of things. Speaking of that, I've moved on to Severance. I watched it when it first came out but with the second season coming up, I figured I'd rewatch it. The second scene where Mark is crying in his car was like yup. That's my life. For very different reasons but definitely have been there.

Right now I'm in limbo waiting to hear if my second (of 3) month of disability has been approved. I reached out today and haven't heard back. It's definitely stressing me out. And then I think about work and how I'm torn about going back (yes I know I have to but I can still not want to). There are aspects I like but there are aspects that I abhor and I know those won't change and they're worse than the aspects I like. I explained to my therapist exactly what happened and she said "it's understandable that you feel so emotional about everything. You're trying to rationalize something that is completely irrational. You will not be able to explain it and I know how upsetting that can be." That made me feel better. For someone else to tell me how irrational and crazy it all was. I am trying to tell myself that now when I think it about it. How can I walk in that door and look certain people in the face and accept them? ... I guess something else to bring up with my therapist.

So Severance... Not at all similar to the job I do and yet... I don't know if I would be so upset if I could literally sever my work life from my home life. Might be nice. I know I know, I'm missing the whole point of the show. But just thinking out loud.

Today is an off day... tomorrow will be better.

Until next time.

[embolden-the-broken]

The first days of January

After finishing the Bold Type, I had to think on it. I was sad to say goodbye to those characters. I tend to "make friends" with characters in stories I love, if I get to spend enough time with the characters. For instance, when I read (and re-read) The Lunar Chronicles. When it came to the end I cried a little because I was sad to say goodbye to those characters. Sex and The City had the same effect. Harry Potter? Yes. Even the book I'm currently reading, which is not part of a series (The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern), I've gotten to know the main character a lot and I feel a sort of connection with him... I think it's part of being an only child. I didn't have anyone else growing up, so I had the characters in the stories I read.

So now I'm on (back to) Emily in Paris. I hadn't caught up in a spell because I only subscribe to Netflix for like a month and then take a year off and come back for a month and continue. I'm not keeping it full time because fuck them for not allowing password sharing. Also their content is mostly garbage sprinkled with good stuff I can get through in about a month. Also, they cancel all the good stuff. Like... why did Emily in Paris get 4 seasons and I'm pretty sure they're getting another one but Dead Boy Detectives got or Kaos got cancelled? I'm watching Emily because it's easy/casual and lighthearted but I'm not saying it's great. I count my lucky stars that Sandman got a second season and I will be beyond surprised if it gets renewed for a third.

I choose these lighthearted things with characters that keep me company right now in particular because I'm going through something. What? I have no idea. Depression. Burn out. Anxiety. Hopelessness... it has many names. But I know that in the past, when I am spiraling, a different pieces of media have saved me in the past. I'm also going to therapy, don't worry. But media is also helping, as it so often does for me (again, probably an only child thing). I do feel like I might be coming to the other side of it though. I have a clear plan to get me out of the toxic workplace that is the source of my problems. I am currently making strides in that plan. I have a new/old hobby. I picked the clarinet back up. And I'm really excited about it. It was amazing to pick it up and remember almost everything about playing it and reading music. I can't wait to continue. I might even take private lessons. I was first chair in high school, after all. But I like that it's something that doesn't feel like it has to be a side hustle.

I wish I could find the motivation to get back in to video games, but every time I pick one up, my "adhd" (do I really have it? Who knows!) kicks in and I can't stay focused on it.

I do have a resolution this year. It's cliche but I know I need to do it. It's to take walks at least 5 days a week. Get some exercise and sunshine, two things that I utterly hate. I didn't go January 1st because it's the first and everyone's hungover anyways so it doesn't count. But every day since January 2nd, I have taken a 15 minute walk. I am proud of myself for keeping up so far. And it think it might actually be having a positive effect on my sleep, which is much needed.

More to come. Until next time.

[embolden-the-broken]

On finishing the Bold Type

So I finished my binge of this show and I have thoughts. I definitely wish there was more. I think it was nice to turn to these humans in a time when people seemed to be turning on each other and I wish I could see my voice like that again. Feel less alone in media maybe? I don't know that I've found anything like this in a while. Something that helped me through hard times.

It bugged me how badly they needed accessories. So many low cut dresses with no necklace worn!! I know that's probably a personal opinion but dang, they could've showcased so many!

Since this show ended in 2021 I have lived through... more like survived so much. And after being chronically single and dreaming about a true love all my life, I have found it in my current partner. But I was reminded of something while watching this. So in the last few episodes Sutton tells Richard she doesn't want kids but they've already been married for 4 months, so he gets pissed because he's always wanted kids. And it was at that moment, when I watched this episode for the first time, that I knew, as deep as a it was, that was going to be a first date or near first date conversation. I always knew I didn't want kids, and even though it's fictional, I think this show portrays that scenario well. That's a huge life decision that some people base their whole reason for living on. And that's fine. But I don't want to fall in love with that type of someone and too late find out that I've crushed their dreams. Yes, Sutton and Richard worked it out. Richard decided he wanted Sutton more than kids. In real life, that may not happen. Long story short: after some texting with my current partner, when we met up for the first time and he and I both knew we were looking for something serious, I told him straight up "I know this is kind of deep for the first date, but I think it's really important to know that I do not want children, and I can promise you I won't change my mind. I have no more fallopian tubes so I can't have them anymore." You know what he said? "that works for me because I don't want children either." True love folks... Anyways.

I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you writers of the Bold Type. You touched on really complex issues in a time when we really needed it and I honestly learned a lot. And thank you for being revisitable and helping me process another hard time in my life.

Once again, I'll miss you, but I'm glad you got to end in such a nice, wrapped up sort of way.

Until next time.

[embolden-the-broken]

The urge to write

I've been wanting to write down my thoughts for a bit. I've been on leave from work for depression and burn out. Yes, that's a real thing. The road to recovery is long and I don't know how or if it ends. I don't do much but go to doctor appointments and watch movies and TV. I feel like I'm being lazy but my therapist says I'm actually going through a lot. I guess I'm used to just stuffing it all down. Anyway, what I wanted to write about tonight was a show called The Bold Type. It was this sort of Sex And the City type show for millennials on Freeform from 2017 to 2021. Also I don't remember watching it in 2020 or 2021 so that's weird because I remember watching all of it. i loved it... But I digress. It is nice to sort of go back to a time when I remember being okay. A time before the pandemic when life seemed a little less hopeless and I was less agoraphobic and people seemed less horrible and the world seemed less horrible and and and... all of that. Now, I will say that was also before I found love and I definitely don't miss that part. But I do miss not hating my job so much. I miss having hope for my future. I'm hoping it's reminding my brain that those feelings exist. It is definitely bringing me joy, so that's something right? I want to write down more. Write about all the things that led me to where I am now in the first place. That would probably be a book and that's a lot. What's the real climax? Hopefully it's already passed because I have had SO much character development that I could really use a break, be a background character or NPC for a little bit. I need to find a new job and I wish I could just do something that makes me happy but I don't really even know what that is anymore. I need to find a hobby but everything feels like it needs to make money because capitalism and also that was the way I was raised. I wish I could get over that but I've only been in therapy for 3 weeks so we're just not there yet I guess.

Digression again... The Bold Type. It's fun and very woman-empowering and I like it and I miss it. I wish I could see what these characters were up to now. How they handled the pandemic and their 30s and such. I would definitely watch that. I wish I could watch that. Kat, Sutton, Jane. I miss you ladies.

Until next time.