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"Have you really thought about this trans thing" a poem

A glass placed in front of me from across the table "Try it again" you say. My mind becomes distant. A familiar scent. A familiar drink. The days washed away by it's flavor. Hours on the playground and in classes. Sipping. Slowly. Wondering what others enjoyed about it. Wondering why we consume it. Why we make ourselves of it. Learning the taste is bitter to me. And not to tell others what I think of it. Other lessons come from the beverage with time. Being accustomed to something isn't the same as enjoying it. I smile each day. I try to. I choke the liquid down. It scratches my throat. It burns. Sensations I didn't have the words for until after I learned to stop questioning why we drink it. I don't want it to hurt like this. I begin to think I can drink less. I refuse sometimes. They berate me. They laugh at me. Why doesn't matter. It hurts less than drinking. Friends leave. Acquaintances stay acquaintances. Jobs become harder. Many things become harder. Some small difficulties, some large. I see others like me. They hearten me. They remind me that things don't have to be the way they were. The way I spent what people told me were my best years. The same people who were so happy to trade those "best years" away for a liquid. Whether or not they knew it. "Well? Try it again." you say, with impatience. As if I don't know it's fucking poison to me.

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Yes yes yes oh my God! I was reading about medieval Islamic medical history and they talked about gynomastia surgery being commonplace as Early as the 11th century!!!

So it wouldn't surprise me that in Byzantine which maintained much of it's knowledge and has access to the Islamic kingdoms South of it that they would have the means of doing top surgery. 😭 I'm so in love with transgender history. I could talk history all day.

I started reading Roland Betancourt's Byzantine Intersectionality because it has a chapter on transwomen, but it turns out that the book is heavily focused on transmasculinity and race in the Byzantine world.

Specifically I wanted to show you this discussion on artistic representation of top surgery and the likelihood that this actually represents top surgery.

Anyway this is really fucking cool

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Statz

28Nb( 7mos on T!). ED started at 13. Recovered at 18 Relapsed at 23 recovered then relapsed again currently at 28.

5'3.5

HW:136

SW: 136

GW1: 125

GW2:120

GW 3:115

GW 4:110

LW: 92.2(2016)

Ugw:108(BMI 18.8)

GW Limit (bc I'm trying to reduce harm):100 108 hard stop

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The way he ll smiles when he moves

Calvin Royal III

Principal Dancer

American Ballet Theater

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The first one is literally what I want 😩 but I still got a dump truck hips and ass from 15 years of estrogenated puberty. So maybe I'll get there in two years when I'm THIRTY. 😳

some more m4scsp0 since yall liked the last one sm <3

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One thing I do love about being trans is the body euphoria I get even tho I'm not as thin as I want to be. But like at least for once in my entire LIFE I have actual muscle mass. I never realized how much my hatred of having body fat was due to having a normal female amount of subcutaneous body fat. Like. I was always so frustrated that I was so BIG despite being a normal weight.

I know now that I was never really that big to begin with. I was just....a woman.

That being said God I still have this crushing urge to lose like 10 more lbs of body fat. 😶 Cuz of course my ED is running hard with me lately. Can't enjoy NOTHING without that anabixch butting in 😩

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Goal: to be this kind of guy

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Something I'm realizing about the return of my Ahnarexhia is that I'm TERRIFIED to continue treating my gender Dysphoria with medical care bc I'm afraid I won't be loved by my wife. So my brain instead wants me to try stharving myself to make my teeets disappear.

...

But deep down I know they won't bc even at my lw at 14 I still had them and I'm 15 years into estrogenic puberty and THEY JUST KEPT GROWING. My only real recourse as I've discussed at LENGTH with my therapist is top surgery which I really want and hopefully will be scheduled for next year.

But then I know that if I'm not skinny enough by top surgery time I will have a horrible panic about how evident and wide my waist is.

And well here we are. I am trapped between my own happiness (being on T being male, being gender fluid, wearing dresses and shit but like as a guy, having a flat chest having a flat chest having no boobs having more muscles to lift my body in aerial class, having a deeper voice every day, having more leg hair and arm hair and belly hair) vs. .... Being a girl and guaranteeing that my wife will love me in a real girl's body even if I don't want to live inside of it.

Sometimes I think it's better to be loved then to be personally happy.

But at the end of the day I can at least be skinny right? Then I'll be doing SOMETHING right. Fuuuuuuuuck me I'm too old for this shit