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It is bravery that says ‘maybe tomorrow will be better.’

 Jerusha Dressel, “The Choice to Stay”(via twloha)

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When I read about a whole, healed, put-together life in Romans 6, I sat in silence longer than usual. These have been foreign concepts the past few years, I realize. And I’ve been a million different things this season but I don’t think I ever came close to being whole or healed or put-together. But I know broken well. I know what it feels like to live on feeling that something’s always missing. I know what it feels like to be not okay all the time. I know what it feels like to see all the pieces of your heart scattered before your eyes. And you can get used to everything in life, I suppose. Even this.

So when Paps brought me here, my throat knotted, I don’t know what to do with myself. This God knows how scarred and broken I’ve become and how terrified I am to start again. He knows what kind of path my heart went through and He sees every broken piece all over the trail. And what did He do? He picked them all up one by one. Not one piece is thrown away. He stooped as low as He could and gathered all the shreds and slices--even the ugly ones, the sad and the bad--and piece by broken piece, He put my heart back together with His patient grace.

And dread hurried in as fast as he could. My eyes blur and the world spins. What if I break myself again? What if I can’t make myself stay and get lost again? What if this whole, healed and put-together life isn’t mine for the taking? God, I’m afraid. He then scoots closer, reaches for my hand, “Bunso, listen.” I sense no disappointment or frustration in His voice. He lifts my head, and goes on, “Even then, I will come find you, mend you, and keep you.” 

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Favorite Korean Dramas of All Time

Because This Is My First Life (2017). I really like the main theme of this series. It gives us the permission to be kind to ourselves even if we think we’ve already failed so much. Going through this life is the first time for all of us anyway. And though it’s not the kind of life you imagined to have at this point, considering that it’s your first time, it’s not so bad, I find. And I love Ji-ho, by the way, I must say. And her girlfriends, Soo-ji and Ho-rang, too.

My Mister (2018). Watching My Mister was such an experience. Every episode still makes me cry even at second rewatch. The series tackles the kind of sad you’ll only understand when you live with it yourself. Life is hard and sometimes you can’t seem to figure out how to keep going anymore. But whatever it is that you’re facing right now, as Dong-hoon said, you get to decide. If you consider it not a big deal then it’s not a big deal. Amugeotdo aniya. Its ending is beautiful, perfect and heartbreaking all at once.

Be Melodramatic (2019). The best thing about the show is the trio--hands down--Jin-joo, Han-joo and Eun-jung. I’ve always been drawn to friendship, it appears. Even with the books I read. Maybe because it’s a love story on its own. One that needs to be told. Be Melo is female-centric, a slice of life and a coming of age drama, except that its characters were approaching the age of 30. Closer to home than we're willing to admit, right? And before I forget, Jin-joo is also a writer here like Ji-ho. Oh, these brave and inspiring women.

It’s Okay Not to Be It’s Okay (2020). Among Moon-young’s not-so-fairy tales, I think The Boy Who Fed on Nightmares and The Cheerful Dog resonate to me best. They center on how to overcome what you’ve been through and how to cut yourself free even if you’ve been tied up for way too long. It’s liberating to watch our troublesome trio, Sang-tae, Kang-tae and Moon-young, do it for themselves--overcoming their nightmares and cutting off their leashes. So, to all the beautiful broken souls in It’s Okay, here’s to more healing along the way!

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You’ve made me into a miracle. (Psalm 71:6 TPT)

When I think of my heart most days, I don’t need another breath to agree that she needs saving--the kind that turns water into wine, transforms seas into highways, and raises dead to life. Because she has heartaches and failures beyond my imagination. And I imagined it really bad. She has no one to point fingers to, though. What she got in her is the sum of her choices--all the time she went off on her own and all the time she chose wrong.  

I saw her begging God for a breakthrough. She’s broken, and she doesn’t remember how to get through anymore. She waited and kept going. With painful ebbs and desperate flows. Perhaps today would be her day, she thought. Perhaps she only needs to count a few more fails and falls before she reaches the end. And it’s exhausting, I bet. Will a miracle matter if the getting-there hurt this much?

But maybe she’s hurting this much because it's God’s miracle we’re talking about. The wine had to run out. The man had to spend most of his life deprived. The close friend had to die. It did get worse before it got better, isn’t it? Maybe she really needs to go through all these unwanted parts. All of it is part of her making. She might not feel that it’s true sometimes, but she needs to trust that whatever the enemy meant for evil, her Maker is turning it for good. And then when she least expects it, maybe when she’s ready to give up, heaven starts taking a deep breath in, holding it, because everything is about to change. 

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Watching IU paraglides with House on Wheels’ cast in Mungyeong makes me think of the could-have-beens of my Albay experience goal drafted for May. Ever since Crash Landing on You, I dreamed of paragliding myself. Still not a brave soul, though. But perhaps the ultralight flying gig in Mati did wonders in my courage levels that I started planning a similar adventure right from the get-go.

The flying site is just an hour away from Legazpi City. Taking my very first flight there could have been such an emotional experience with the picturesque Mayon Volcano as the background and the vast blue waters of Poliqui Bay. I can only sigh. I’ve been trying to visit the province since 2017 but circumstances kept getting in my way. I’m not even sure I can travel this year so flying in Sarangani with friends next month might be put off as well. Gwenchana. I can just look at the sky often for now. And hope that the following days, weeks and months would be kinder--would be better--and let us fly on as we should.

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This is a movie produced by a fellow Reveluv to celebrate these six years with Red Velvet. Six years full of ups and downs. I remember joining the family during one of its lows. Joy and Irene just finished their individual stints with We Got Married and Music Bank then. And their velvet comeback, One of These Nights, wasn’t received quite well and it took them several months to return with Russian Roulette. The wait was painful but we held on.

And as years gone by, it’s really fascinating to watch our girls find their footing and dance gracefully with it. My heart swells every time I hear how proud each of them are to be Red Velvet. The journey to get here has been tough and maybe there’s more hurdles along the way, but I think we can make it through together. Uri Red Velvet doing what they dream and love, and us, Reveluvs, staying by their side. Olaedongan kaji kaja. ♥️

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“Let’s face my heart tonight,” I thought. It’s late already and sleep won’t come easy. Maybe I can finally get out something stuck within. Maybe I can stop wondering how someone can feel empty and so much at the same time. How is that even possible? But I didn’t start here. I was crying angry tears weeks back. And then I got tired. And then I reached this place of longer nights and too familiar ceilings.

There are days when this emptiness is so subtle you could barely notice. You’re waking up or making coffee or watching your favorite group and it’s there, lurking, and you don’t mind at all. You couldn’t care less. It almost feels normal. Right, even. But there are also days and nights–mostly nights, when it feels enormous, you couldn’t tune it out any longer. It’s impossible to pretend it’s not there. It stares back. It wraps you around until you just want to crack your chest open to see what’s hurting and what’s dead inside–anything, and just bleed it all out.

I wish I could tell you that I found the answer and that we can now go to the next bit of the journey, to the next bit of the story. But I still couldn’t figure this out–my heart, this life. Maybe I’m trying too much. Maybe this isn’t for everybody. I know there’s grace on the other side if only I could make it. But I’ve been in this gap–in between my miracles–way too long. I want to make it. But is this enough?

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And talk about things that are not sad There is no gloomy ending there

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Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.

 Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine (via booksqouted)

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There are really stories that are difficult to write about. Especially when you promised yourself to write better ones. But I need to pen this down. I just wish it’s easier to recount how we were okay and then we’re not anymore. How the cracks began to show earlier than we anticipated and how those became giant crevices overtime. How I felt drained and sad and heavy with the weight of the things I’ve both lost and found. How my words fell out, clumsy and unbidden, and how you didn’t respond.

Deep down, maybe I knew it already. I knew that I’ll have to let you go eventually. And I am doing fine. I trusted you with my heart and you made the leap worthwhile. I don’t regret any second of it. But I have to leave. Because we’re two different people. We wanted different things. And I felt like I’ve been searching for something I can’t put my finger on, but it’s not here. I guess we’re not just capable of the kind of love each other needs. And we grew tired of halfways. All of a sudden, burning the bridge was easier than crossing it.

It’s ironic how our hearts can still get hurt by something we’ve seen coming. I still think of you sometimes. It’s bittersweet, this musing. Because we had a good run. I got to see a new version of myself that I probably won’t be able to meet had we not cross paths. I got to love. And for that, and for all the sunny days, and for being my home for a while, thank you. I’m sorry that us didn’t work. I’m sorry that I gave up. But I think it’s better this way–with you living your life and me living mine.

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February 23, 2020 | Art Fair Philippines Makati City

As soon as our personal problems’ summit concluded at The Wholesome Table, our triad moved to The Link to visit this year’s Art Fair. I think it was Hannah’s scene more than it was mine. It’s my first and I enjoyed going through this diversified exhibit with the two of them. Kahit pa ilang beses kaming nagkawalaan. We could call it lost in art, perhaps? But really, there were few corners that did catch my fancy. I figured early that I relate best to words and photography. And Sol Lewitt’s line still rings true to me: There are many statements involved in a work of art. The most important is the most obvious. The most obvious is that I love you both. To our next, girls!

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There’s something about arriving in new cities, wandering empty streets with no destination. I will never lose the love for the arriving, but I’m born to leave.

 Charlotte Eriksson, Empty Roads & Broken Bottles

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February 17, 2020 | Sikyop Underground River Cave Iligan City, Lanao del Norte

Iligan is another item that’s been crossed off our itinerary back then. Not by choice, though. The weather and safety issues made it difficult for the pack to go. And as grace would have it, everything was fine now, so I bravely included it in my #BakitHindi list. I only need one reason to traverse a different province. It might seem like a waste of time or rather foolish, but that’s just how I roll. So what am I waiting for?

It was around six in the morning when I left for Iligan via bus and dropped off at Mandulog Bridge after an hour. The military man and my habal-habal driver both asked the same question. Bakit ako mag-isa dito? I mulled over it on our way. Ang tapang ko rin talagang mag-solo no? But of course I felt scared. It seemed like I was coming into an uncharted territory this time. And maybe I was. I remember thinking--while its long winding roads unfurled before us--that I have nothing to compare the city with. Everything felt different and raw.

I think it took us an hour and a half to get to Sitio Lawlawon. And since it’s a Monday, I was the first and probably the only visitor for today. With all its caves, falls, spring and an underground river, kulang siguro ang isang araw to make the most out of Sikyop. I was short of time so I haven’t explored much but I picked the best to trek to. And true to its name, which means hidden paradise, I mumbled thank You, Paps several times.

Driving back to the highway, halfhearted rain began falling from marbled skies. I was drenched but grateful. The whole experience was terrifying and overwhelming but amazing. I want to live my life with all its grit and grace. And for once, I trusted myself to do exactly that. Well done, self. You make me proud.

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February 16, 2020 | Lampanag Ridge Impasug-ong, Bukidnon

I left Eiffel Kubo, my accommodation, in dark-sky hours, that thin edge between night and morning. Rode a bus plying the CDO route and alighted at New Ilocos--boundary of Malaybalay and Impasug-ong. The sleepiness of the city was apparent but my poor sense of direction didn’t waver a bit. Wala na talagang pinipiling oras ang pagkaligaw. Hindi ba’t pwede namang pagsikat na ng araw? Thank Paps, Vinson, my guide, came to the rescue. 

We reached Datu Melendez’ house in the peaceful sitio of Kibuwa, the jump off, around four and started trekking. Looking up, we were graced with the starry sky. It was such a heavenly view. Thank You, Jesus. We moved on assured that we’re up for an amazing feat in an hour or two. The trail was mostly downhill, very similar to that of Paminahawa--one of its neighbors. It was cold and damped of morning dew. I couldn’t care less, though. And at 5 a.m. mark, we finally hiked up the ridge. 

Seeing the Tagoloan River from the Lampanag Ridge in photos and videos made me want to go out of the gate. And here I was. Never mind the cold and our failed attempt to light a fire. I looked around, listening to the silence. There were few campers but it was so quiet. And in less than an hour, I started seeing this hazy pre-dawn light. It meant the sun would be peeking out over the mountains in a couple of minutes. 

I’m gonna see my better days, I thought, as I felt the first rays of sunlight on my face. It was a different kind of safe and warmth--the kind that only God can give. I savored this solitude, this happiness, this moment of sheer love and goodness. Oh, how far I’d scale the valleys, Jesus, if You grace this other side. Thank You.

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February 15, 2020 | Malaybalay & Valencia Cities, Bukidnon

After yesterday’s turn of events, I woke up in an unfamiliar city, more than a thousand kilometers away from home. Original plan to kick off this trip was tackling Mt. Capistrano but I unfortunately came during its healing season. Rest well, mountain. I guess I’ll just have to live slow this Saturday morning. And it’s totally fine.

With my sling bag, camera and plaid shirt, I went out to do some exploration--unfazed by the afternoon sun. Ang ganda ng panahon. I won’t mind getting lost on a beautiful day like this one, I thought to myself. So I hopped in a multicab en-route to Casisang where I’ll transfer in a habal-habal to Mt. Kitanglad Agro-Eco Farm. It took me an hour to reach the place. The DIY hobbit houses in here are creations of the owner himself with the resources available in their farm. Wow. It was a sight to see. And I wish I had tried their coffee. Next time, maybe? Self, today, it’s the house of the hobbit. In another lifetime, it’ll be the summit.

My next destination was in the nearby city of Valencia. I suddenly remember how Lake Apo didn’t make it to our Northern Mindanao trip last 2018. Isang oras din ito mula Malaybalay at 30 minutes din ang nadagdag sa aking motor taxi diaries. Hehe. And around four, we turned up at Guinoyoran where the crater lake is nestled. Ang perfect sana mag-sunset dito. However, I couldn’t find the trail up to have the perspective I had in mind. Akapta.

In retrospect, the highlight of this day would be the in-betweens. The multicab rides and the habal-habal adventures. The bumpy and windy paths were the most unforgettable experiences. It’s always fun travelling like a local when I go solo. Maybe because I get to know the place better and I get to remember the memories I had for a long time. Capping the day with a cup of Monk's Blend coffee seemed fitting--warm and comforting. Thank You, Home Team.

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January 12-13, 2020 | Fresno Agro Forestry & Eco Tourism Campsite Tanay, Rizal

Over ramen and coffee, Ijo, Hanah and I looked for a place to go and when we found one, we packed our bags six days later and left. Just like that. And after more than an hour on a familiar road, we alighted at Sitio Maysawa--the same jump off of Treasure Mountain that we camped at almost three years ago. We even drove past its gates en-route to Fresno which sits atop Mt. Kulis (620 MASL). 

We reached the campsite around sunset. And even when the sky's already turning purple, Fresno offered us one of the best 360-degree view of Tanay mountain ranges without much effort. Jinjja yeppeuda. We then eased up in our little kubo before racing out for dinner, moon-gazing and some serious conversation. Hanah bared some of her heart tonight--sharing how she hurt and how life is too long, there’s too many unwanted scenes. I nodded off hoping her next chapter would be better and kinder than the previous ones. 

Our three-person unit woke up to a cold ash-fall-covered morning. Yes, naabutan na naman kami ng kalamidad sa galaan. But as always, Paps kept us through the night. And around 5:30, we started trekking down to Noah’s Arc. We waited for sunrise while anchored on top of the mountain over the sea of clouds. How can we not sing hallelujah to the God who makes beauty out of the ashes we’re in?

We soaked up the majestic start of day and then hiked up its neighbor peak, Mt. Sambong (629 MASL), right after. And maybe I love the scenery better here. Coming back to this side of Tanay after years, I realized that some things never change (despite the many things that did), the serenity that this kind of view gave me and the way I’m holding on tight with these two beside me. 

As I behold Your beauty with unworthy eyes The only song my soul can find to sing Is hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah my King (Transfiguration, Hillsong United)

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January 1, 2020

Looking back, Paps has been nothing but faithful. True to His word, He became my strength when I felt too tired to keep going, my joy when happiness was just hard to find, and my peace when I didn’t understand what was happening. He held me tender when I needed comfort and He held me tight when I was about to let go. 2019 was not perfect, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be beautiful all the same, heartwarming and sincere to the end. And I only have Jesus to thank for it. So here’s to a new year and a new decade reminded that to live yet another day is already extraordinary on its own. Self, I pray that you look up more often and never miss the skies and the sunrise and sunset and the starry night.