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[ellie-bae]

“I like people who have a sense of individuality. I love expression and anything awkward and imperfect, because that’s natural and that’s real.”

— Marc Jacobs

[ellie-bae]

[ellie-bae]

[ellie-bae]

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[ellie-bae]

Lost and Confusion

i just want to get away from myself and these thoughts.

[ellie-bae]

“No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.”

— Haruki Murakami, After the Quake

[ellie-bae]

#mood

[ellie-bae]

Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere

[ellie-bae]

Posts something about a wip then leaves again. For this week’s @flashfictionfridayofficial prompt.

word count: 515

*****

Nathan was no stranger to irrational fear.

Enclosed spaces had always given him a tight feeling in his chest that he was forced to push through on every elevator or crowded subway. He still hated bugs, no matter how many times his mothers said the roach was more scared of him than he was of it. But those were things normal people faced all the time. This was different.

Normal people weren’t so terrified of monsters they couldn’t even leave the house.

He pulled his knees to his chest, a small sigh escaping him as he looked at the walls of his childhood bedroom. He’d gone to stay with his mothers after the accident, a move they’d been happy with to start – but after three months, they were rightfully concerned. Physically, he was fine, but it was clear that there was something wrong inside him – or rather the latest in many things wrong with him, just far more difficult to hide than the others. And so he hid his entire self – from the monsters and from the world.

A dark shape passed outside his window, sending a chill down his spine. You don’t have to look, Nathan told himself. It’s a bird, a squirrel, something mundane and not worth getting up for.

Nathan stood up. He walked towards the window. He pulled the curtains aside a little and saw nothing. Just the night as normal, lit by some dim streetlights. He scanned the view, searching for monsters made of shadows with glowing red eyes. Nothing.

Because the monsters aren’t real, Nate. You didn’t see anything, your brain was messed up because you were in a damn car crash. If he told himself that enough times it would become true, he was sure.

He turned to head back to his bed, then paused. He looked back. There was a girl, just outside the illumination of the streetlight, her eyes glowing with blue light and staring directly at his window.

Then he blinked and she was no more. Not real, like demons and dreams of blood on his hands.

He pulled the curtains closed and flopped back onto his bed. His phone buzzed. He ignored it. It was either Cath, who wouldn’t mind him texting back a little late, or anyone else in the world, in which case he’d keep ignoring it. His social media had been dead for months, his last post an announcement on how he was recovering and wouldn’t be making any appearances. He’d checked the replies a few times – they were full of fans wishing him well, hoping his sickness would pass. Part of him felt bad for letting them think he was bedridden when he was just here, perfectly healthy.

But the rest of him knew it wasn’t really a lie. His stupid fear was a sickness, one that wouldn’t heal until he could convince himself the monsters weren’t real. And that wasn’t happening, because deep inside him was a voice, one he knew spoke only the truth. And it told him they were as real as anything else in this world.

[ellie-bae]

Entire fields of flowers wouldn't be enough to show my love for you.

[ellie-bae]

“Maybe we’ll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.”

— Unknown

[ellie-bae]

Currently Surviving

Inside I'm dying

but at least I'm still trying..

[ellie-bae]

[ellie-bae]