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ell0ra-br3kk3r · 29 days ago

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still one of my favorites <3

Back to December

pairing: kaz brekker x fem!reader

genre: angst, with a small resolved ending

el's thoughts: requested by @maliciousbrekker for my speak now event! i hope you like it! i think this is my personal favorite so far haha

The sound of rain echoed off the thin windows of the Slat while Kaz sat at his makeshift desk sorting through different papers and letters. The only light in the room was emitted from two small candle sticks on his desk, casting the rest of his room in darkness. The warm familiar scent of sugar cookies wafted up the stairs from the kitchen much to Kaz’s enmity. December had to be his least favorite month of the year, and he knew the crows couldn’t help themselves when they got into the holiday spirit. It wasn’t their fault she left.

The feeling of another’s presence in the room suddenly weighed on his shoulders. “Inej.”

The suli girl slipped around the corner and ducked her head. “A letter.”

Black coffee-brown eyes watched her carefully as she avoided eye contact at all costs. He reached out to get the letter and froze when he saw the return address under the flickering light of his candle.

Inej’s shoulder sank as she muttered her departure quickly, not wanting to see the effect of the letter on him.

Kaz heard the heavy door shut and released the breath that was stuck in his throat. He pulled his letter opener out of his desk drawer and pulled the letter out of the envelope. The glimpse of her messy handwriting brought a shameful sense of warmth to his chest. He had no right to feel comforted at the mere sight of her penmanship.

His eyes scanned over her words on parchment, he could almost hear her voice asking him questions about the other crows and his well-being. How’s life? Tell me how’s the crows? I haven’t seen them in a while… He could hear her trailing off in thought. He nearly laughed at her trying to keep small talk even in a letter, avoiding bringing up sensitive topics. Just her being thoughtful of him as always. Something he never learned to do with her. Well, that’s all from me. I still don’t know when I’ll be back. ‘If she’ll ever be back. It’s already been a year.’ Write back when you can, Kaz. Please. All the best, Y/N

He should write back, he had so much to tell her. How he regretted his words and how he wished he could take them back. Give her the love and appreciation she deserves. She deserved the world but he couldn’t even give her his time.

He sighed to himself and ran a hand through his hair. He picked up his pen while reaching for a clean roll of parchment. His eyes glazed over for a moment before he snapped himself out of his own thoughts. The pen’s tip was dipped in ink and hovered over the parchment for a moment too long. Kaz’s mind raced a hundred miles per hour while nothing stuck in his brain. Where was he to start?

Dear Y/N

*Summer of the previous year*

The heat of the night clung to Y/N’s skin as she walked along the balconies of the large manor the Crows were robbing. Inej was spying from the roof, the others were inside attending the party, and Y/N was making her way to the right window from where they would let her in.

“Saints,” she cursed as she fanned herself with her hands, the heat starting to make her dizzy and the black outfit she wore didn’t help. The click of the window sounded from beside her causing her to sigh in relief, “S’bout time.”

She slipped through the window and pulled her black hood down, her hair falling out and framing her face. She felt a pair of eyes burning into the side of her head, she smirked and turned towards the pair of coffee-brown eyes. “You unlocked the safe?” She tilted her head in question teasingly.

Kaz snapped out of his daze and turned back to the safe, turning the dial a few more times before it popped open. The sight of jewels and stacks of kruge brought smiles and smirks to all of their faces.

Ding! The half-hour mark.

“Let’s get moving.”

They all stuffed their pockets and bags full of jewels, all of them joking about how they’d be kings and queens as if they weren’t already. The group of five quickly tossed the bags out onto the balcony, Y/N following out the window. She leaned inside, finding herself face-to-face with Kaz as he waited to shut the window. “Meet you back home.” She lifted her head and pecked his lips quickly before turning and grabbing the bags, tossing one to Inej who was waiting above her.

It wasn’t long before all the crows were safely back at the Slat, completing another successful heist.

Y/N sat in Kaz’s room in her designated seat by the window overlooking the Barrel. The man came out of his washroom and made his way to his desk. Various candles lit the room, all of them different scented but all making the comforting scent of Y/N.

“You froze up today.”

Kaz avoided looking at her and hummed.

“Don’t ignore me,” she chuckled, walking over to his side. “You never freeze up.”

“I-”

“Don’t lie to me either.”

“Okay, fine.”

Y/N smirked, “So you admit you froze up?”

“Yes,” he huffed while sorting two piles of paperwork before placing them in a makeshift filing cabinet.

“You… Oh, I don’t know. Got distracted maybe?” She teased.

Kaz rolled his eyes, choosing to stay silent.

“That’s a yes if I ever heard one.”

“You didn’t hear anything because I didn’t say anything.” Kaz almost laughed at the proud smile on his girlfriend’s face. He knew that she knew what caused him to get distracted. She just wanted him to verbally confirm it, which would never happen.

“Well, I appreciate it.” She hummed, leaning her head on her palm.

He cocked an eyebrow, confused. “I didn’t do anything either.”

“You stared at me and it actually distracted you.” She giggled into her fingers as she covered her lips. “It was basically you complimenting me. So thank you.”

“Well, you’re welcome for not even saying anything.” He eyed her jokingly, admiring the way her head fell back when she laughed. The way her eyes squinted and all her teeth shone with her bright smile. He loved her. She deserved the world but he couldn’t give it to her yet. He would be able to one day, but all he knew at this moment was that he loved her.

*Fall*

The howling wind whistled through the narrow streets of the Barrel while Y/N sat at a small table looking out the window of her favorite coffee shop. Late. Again. She sighed to herself as she downed the rest of her coffee, thanking the barista on the way out. She went down all the familiar streets and alleyways back to the Crow Club. The tall building and warm lights came into view, the sound of bets being called, and laughter could be heard from all the way down the street. She pushed the door open before shedding her scarf and coat off and shook out her wind-swept hair. She turned to the bar, already flagging down the bartender as her eyes caught on to the recognizable black coat that belonged to her boyfriend. In the weak attempts to tamper down her irritation she noticed her Zemmini friend standing next to him while the pair shared drinks. She trailed over to the pair and shoved Kaz’s shoulder.

“Where were you?” she hissed through her teeth, trying not to cause a scene.

Jesper nodded and quickly left the couple alone.

“I’ve been here, what do you mean?” he asked apathetically as he brought his glass to his lips. The yellow lighting cast shadows across his face which made Y/N’s stomach twist when she saw a distant look in his eyes.

“What do you mean, what do you mean?” She snatched the glass from his hand and slammed it down on the worn wood surface of the bar. “This was the fourth time you stood me up. You made me look like a fool, just waiting there for an hour, hoping the Bastard of the Barrel would actually come.”

“Don’t yell at me. Not here.” He grabbed her wrist and pulled her behind him gently. She followed wordlessly as they passed their group of friends, feeling their curious stares burn into the couple’s backs as they walked up the stairs. He let go of her hand when they made it to his office and closed the door behind them.

“You didn’t show up. Again, Kaz” Y/N started once again and he could feel her exasperation radiating off her. “If you didn’t want to come in the first place, why did you set it up?”

“I forgot.”

“You forgot,” she scoffed. “Yeah, 'cause you can remember every single detail for a heist but you can’t remember a date you set up with your girlfriend?”

Kaz stared down at his desk, guilt crawling its way up his throat but he swallowed it down. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“Right, that’s the first time I’ve heard that. Kaz, I’m sick of being last on your list of priorities. If you don’t want me or- or I’m too much work for you then tell me so. Don’t beat around the bush with me, you don’t have to spare my feelings.” She sighed helplessly, her hands swinging by her hips. “Just tell me what you want.”

He shook his head slowly before looking up at her with regretful eyes, “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

*back to present time*

Walking down the dirt roads of her hometown was nostalgic but after a while it got boring. Y/N sighed as she walked up to her mother’s favorite fruit stand and smiled kindly at the owner. Picking up fruits and seeing which were ripe was now a weekly chore for the Crow and she had to admit, it was relaxing at first but she had grown to miss the begrimed city of Ketterdam.

“What about these?”

A cheery voice caught her attention and she turned to see a couple come up to the stand a bit away from her, examining the fruit just as she was.

“The farmer’s market! How did you know?”

Kaz chuckled deeply, “Right… Because you haven’t been talking about it all week.”

Y/N laughed and placed her hand in the crook of his elbow. “I just needed to make sure you got the hint, my love.”

Y/N shook her head and turned to the owner, quickly asking for the few fruits and berry baskets she had picked up. She handed over the coins and started her walk home, her thoughts drifting back to the man she loved who waited back in the Barrel.

It’s been a year since she left Ketterdam and in the meantime, she had found a job and tried everything she could to get over Kaz. “I have more than enough money…” She muttered to herself as the thought of going back settled in her mind. She missed the Crows dearly, the Slat and Crow Club as well, but she missed nothing more than she missed Kaz.

She sighed, “Maybe I left too soon.” Kaz hurt her and she was quick to become hot-tempered, making the irrational decision to leave and go back to her mother. She never really wanted to leave but he wasn’t giving her any reason to stay, so she bought a ticket for the next ship out. Her mother welcomed her with open arms and comforted her through her heartache.

The clearing of someone's throat brought her out of her thoughts. "A letter addressed to Y/N," the letter carrier held out a small envelope to her. She smiled and muttered her thanks as she looked down at the return address. Her eyes widened at the name written in flourished lines and loops. Kaz Brekker.

“She’d understand,” she said, trying to convince herself that her mother wouldn't hold her back as she walked up the small steps to the front door. ‘I’m going back home.’

She made her way to the kitchen and placed the fruits and berries away before calling into the house, “Mom! I need to talk to you.”

The Slat’s main door slammed shut with the strong wind tunneling in from the narrow streets. The noise caused some of the younger Dregs to lean farther away from the limping man as he walked up the narrow staircase to his room. The low lighting in the Slat cast dramatic shadows across his sharp facial features.

“Kaz,” Wylan’s voice sounded behind him.

He spun around and stared the younger of the pair in front of him down. Jesper nudged Wylan’s shoulder before muttering something Kaz couldn’t pick up on. The couple shared a knowing look, making suspicion rise in Kaz, but he quickly pushed it down.

“Uh- never mind. Sorry.” The fluffy-haired brunette cleared his throat.

With one more glare, he turned back and continued up the stairs, his knee weak with every step. He unlocked his room door and closed it behind him. He went to hang his coat on the wall as he slipped his shoes off and instantly noticed the hook on the wall occupied by a navy blue coat and a small matching hat. Also, he could feel the air blowing into the room from the now-opened window and the soft lighting of multiple candles around the room. Y/N. Her comforting scent could have drowned him where he stood.

“I didn’t expect you to be this late.”

Kaz froze in his place, not needing to turn around to know who it was. His heart began to race at the thought of her waiting for him in his room. “You’re back.” His voice was strained as he moved her hat to place his coat on top before hanging the hat again. He turned around and fought to keep his composure.

She sat in her regular seat with her legs crossed and hands folded in her lap neatly. Her smile was warm and welcoming as she stared back at him with so much love in her eyes. “I’m back. I’m sorry it took so long.”

#self reblog

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