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If you have the ability to love, love yourself first

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“Understand me. I’m not like an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I do not have time for things that have no soul.”

~ Charles Bukowski ~

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One person that don’t even know you really can save you, can change you...

Isn’t it wonderful?

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There's no 'rules' for fantasy, and that's the beautiful thing about it

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The question is, are you going to grow, or are you going to stay just as you are out of fear, and waste your precious human life by status quo-ing instead of being willing to break the sound barrier?

  Pema Chödrön (via aspiritualwarrior)

Sometimes i feel like i’m afraid of everything in the world. And i understand that i’m wasting my time by sitting and and doing nothing. I’m trying to overсome my fear of communicating and i really think that one day it will completely disappear

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I want to breathe you in

I’m not talking about perfume or even the sweet odour of your skin, but of the air itself

i want to share your air, inhaling what you exhale

i’d like to be that close

two of us breathing each other as one

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Great Art Has Dreadful Manners

Calm and quiet halls of art galleries can mislead you into thinking that priceless works of art are something exquisite and delicate, that they are visual images which should appease, bewitch and bright up your existence. But, to be honest, that’s not quite true.. 

         So what is True Power of Art?

Power Of Art is its capability to surprise and worry our souls. Even if work of art seems to imitate life, it actually doesn’t. It replaces life with its own reality. Art’s goal is not just give the world beauty but also destroy platitude. Something that we know about sunsets and how Vincent Van Gogh, for example, depicts them on his paintings,They are absolutely different. When we look at paintings we see the world through artists’ eyes and add to this our own feelings. We somehow end up in another galaxy. Art reconfigures our sensory perception and we can see more than we did before. The greatest paintings cling to you sneaky and mercilessly, kick out ground under your feet and turn your worldview upside down.  That’s why people who ones catch this feelings can never lose it anymore. 

              This is true Power Of Art.

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몸을 일으켜 찌뿌둥하다고 느낄 쯤 창문을 볼 때 내 몸을 예상이라도 한 듯 비가 내리고 있네 창문에 맺혀 있는 빗물들 바라보며 느끼지 마치 내 마음속을 흐른 눈물들

get up and when I feel sore, I look out the window As if it knows how my body feels, the rain is falling As I look at the raindrops welling up in the window, I felt it The tears that were flowing down my heart

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Occurrence.

Jimin is standing in front of a big mirror and looking at his reflection. A really beautiful short black dress suits him perfectly well. Why is this dress fits him so fucking good? but what is more important, why is he wearing a dress?

Strong hands that unexpectedly gently wrapping around Jimin’s waist, and lips, barely touching his delicate neck, distract him from thinking.  Jimin turned around and saw Taehyung in front of him , who looks amazing in his luxurious suit.

Previous questions immediately replaced with another. Actually, one main question: Is it even legal?  First of all, his reaction to Taehyung’s appearance. Why is he so damn happy to see him. Secondly, Kim’s touches… they are really gentle and cautious – almost weightless movements on the weight and pleasant kisses on the neck. Wait, seriously, is it legal?

Then, question disappears from Jimin’s head again, when Tae pulled him closer and kissed right to the lips. Park is completely lost in the situation and all he managed to understand is what is happening right now is definitely something he likes. He’s closing his eyes, grabs Taehyung’s tie, pulls him even closer and happily responding to the kiss.

Next time when Jimin opens his eyes, he’s lying on a soft bed and Tae is sitting on his laps. the Dress and the suit are replaced with leisure clothes. Jimin looks misty-eyed at his friend and kisses him first at this time. Taehyung freezes for a few seconds, his eyes are widely open in surprise, but then he stops thinking and responds to the kiss, seizing the initiative.

The atmosphere was disturbed by sonorous knock in the door and loud voice, saying:

-  Did you wake up? –  that was their manager.

Jimin didn’t care about everything else but Taehyung for 3 long seconds. 3 seconds when he could touch his lips. One more second to realize what is happening and probably whole his life to understand the situation in general.

Jimin pushed Tae away and innocently covered lips with his hand. In his eyes you can see bald horror and confusion. Kim, looking straight to Park’s eyes, is answering to manager:

- I just woke Jim up, we’re starting to get ready now! – after that manager left.

- What a fuck was that? – Jimin asked in shock.

-  It’s me who should ask it, you kissed me - Taehyung grinned with a bit of insult.

Jimin couldn’t say a word.

-  But you were sitting on my laps!- Jimin’s voice was stressed so hard.

-  Do you kiss everyone who is sitting on you?- asked Tae, ironically smiling. It seems that he doesn’t care about what just happened. Conversely, he found this funny.

Jimin kept silence because he simply didn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even know whose fault it was. Actually, he knows but doesn’t want to admit.

-  If you didn’t hear I repeat: I tried to wake you up. – calmly said Tae and gets out of the bed.

-  Weird way to wake someone up. – muttered Jimin and got out too.

-   Hey, that wasn’t me who started all this. – Taehyung angrily throws a pillow to the friend.

-  But you didn’t mind! – Jimin flips the pillow back.

Jimin is pissed off so he doesn’t make the bed and rushes to the bathroom.

-  Tell me, who you dreamt about? – suddenly asked Taehyung, when Park almost leaving the room, his voice became serious.  

-  Isn’t it obvious? – answered Jimin sarcastic and loudly slammed the door behind his back.

The same time the door was closed, Jimin understood what fool he is. Just let’s analyze situation by Tae: he is sitting at 6 fucking am on his best friend (and that’s actually okay)  and trying to wake him up. Then, this friend just opens his eyes and kisses him.  Kisses the way, like they do it every morning. The First conclusion you wanna make is that the person who he dreamt about was... Taehyung!!  But Jiminie didn’t want to left everything like this at all, so he just…

- That was a girl, just a girl - stumbling out, he runs out of bathroom and blushes.

-  Okey, just a girl. – Tae looked at him and grinned.

Jimin doesn’t feel relief after that but, all in all, he didn’t lie. that was really a girl and it doesn’t really matter, that he was that girl in the beautiful black dress and that he liked Tae next to him and every touch he received. It really doesn’t matter, because that was just a mistake.

Or, maybe, that was just little, innocent Chim-chim, who wanted to believe in this.

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Day 3

Art

I can totally say that i had had interest in art before. It’s true. But yesterday’s art exhibition just divided my life on “before” and “after”...

I wanted to go there just to feel relax and fill my day with some activity. But what i eventually got there literally shocked me. 

I went to the art exhibition dedicated to Siberian artists. That was amazing.. That was actually more than just amazing... that was awesome, magical, fantastic. i saw so many brilliant works that i couldn’t even took my eyes off them.

You know, I had this feeling when whole your body fills with inspiration, delight and excitement at the same time! I’m not sure i can express this with words.. like everything else in the world stopped its existence for a second and only me and a painting stayed.

I had had something like this only once before..  That was when my parents opened the world of classical music for me when i was young. I think the fact that I attended an academic music school since i was a little child had a huge influence on my worldview.

So now I decided to learn more about art and artists..

After all, i wanna say that art had big influence on me. And it inspired me to start something new. Maybe if some people get confused in their lives, they need to try art because Art is the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.

Here i pin some painting i took

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That’s the first time i tried something like this. Hope it’s not that bad^^

Yoonmin

-  Baby, come here, - tired and a bit drunk voice called Jimin to come closer.

-  Yoongi-a, look, stars are so magnificent today, - Jimin was looking at the ceiling, where hundreds of bright stars were shining just for them.

      Yoongi fall in love with him, with his little angel, looking into these deep eyes, where light was always burning, so many years ago. Then, they both were really happy, they couldn’t even imagine what will happen with them a few years later. They spent their years enjoying each other every second of this time. But, unfortunately , it couldn’t last forever..

-   I really love you, - Yoongi said. - I love your sweet voice, your eyes, your lips. I love everything about you.

-   I love you too, - happy smile on Chim’s face immediately disappeared, when he noticed empty bottles of alcohol next to Yoongi.

-   Yoongi, you promised me! You promised, that you won’t drink this shit again! – Jimin lightly slapped Yoonie’s arm, nicely pursing lips.

- I’m sorry, Jimin-a, - Yoongi looks straight into Jimin’s eyes, - But I can’t. – it seemed like he was almost broken.

-  I can’t because I want to see you, I want to hear your voice, I want to feel your touch. I can’t let you go!! I need to hug and kiss you every day. You’re my everything, please, stay! Don’t leave me, not again! – Yoongi took his boy’s hand and pulled him over to get a taste of Jimin’s lips. They kissed like that was their last chance to feel each other,- maybe that was…

-  I’m with you and I will always be, - Jiminie said, exhaling into his lips, when they had to take some air.

- Yoongi wanted to cry and scream from despair. He glanced at Jimin, who had already started to disappear, and tears of pain and sorrow rolled down his cheeks.

- No, honey. please , stay a little bit longer, I beg you, don’t leave me!- He knows prayers won’t stop you, he knows it very well..- He takes his baby’s palms so tightly, staring into his eyes, begging not to go, but next time he blinked, Jimin wasn’t there anymore..

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Day 2

Today is my second day here. I really feel so inspired. Actually i decided to forget about my sadness for a day and made smth good for myself!

Now i’m sitting and typing this text from the place i always wanted to visit. it makes me feel better. This place is a huge library in another city. I finally found strengths  to do things i’ve always wanted and not to wait for someone else.

Also, I’m going to visit an art exhibition dedicated to South Korea today. I am a really big fan of this country and its culture so i think that’s gonna be interesting and fascinating. (Maybe i’ll write about it later)

I realized that i can do all this great stuff alone and still enjoy it.

Sometimes we don’t need anybody to feel good. Sometimes we need to learn how to bring joy to ourselves.I started to acquire this knowledge and i’m not gonna stop.

But, of course, we shouldn’t forget about our friends or family  and how cool it is to spend time together.

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Day 1

Loneliness 

Do you ever struggle with this feeling? Do you ever cried your eyes out because of it? I think, people can be lonely even when they are not alone. 

I’ll tell you why i have this feeling sometimes..

Parents

They wanted me to choose something else for my life, they wanted me to become an engineer. I chose smth i want, i chose to be a translator. Do i need to tell that they blame me for it? Can i really reach smth without their support? I love them and i know, they love me as much as they can, but why can’t they accept me and my choice? Now i feel uncomfortable and lonely in this house.

Friends

I don’t have a lot of true friends because i am somehow somewhere between introvert and extrovert. I can be open towards strangers when i with my friends or in the Internet but when i’m alone i become shy. At summer time a lot of people go to villages in Russia and my friends are not exception. Without them i feel like whole town became empty but i always did have my best friend and we always spent summers together when everybody left us.She’s actually my biggest support.  She moved in another city for permanent residence this summer so i am alone now. I know that it doesn’t mean that out friendship is over, but i can’t help feeling that i’m loosing her. I was definitely not ready to let her go. My friends will come back and my best friend will be in touch with me, so why do i feel like everything is over? Why can’t i stop being so pathetic?

I just need to get through it..