eldritchanchovy

[eldritchanchovy]

this will be the year I finally convince everyone to abandon New Year's resolutions in favour of Yule Boasting, the clearly superior tradition

[eldritchanchovy]

and what if I told you nine was less afraid of love than ten. what then.

[eldritchanchovy]

The first time I heard an adult say the f word was when I was in fourth grade and we were doing some project that involved us baking cookies together as a class. My teacher Ms. Lindsey, who was real sweet, was demonstrating for everybody and she asked if anyone knew how to crack an egg, and I really didn’t know how to crack an egg, but I’m a go-getter, so I raised my hand and she called on me. I instantly knew I was in trouble at that point but I’d seen my dad crack eggs hundreds of times so I figured, ya know, it can’t be thaaaat hard. So I grab the egg but I have no sense of how softly you’re supposed to tap an egg to crack it, so I just slam it against the desk and splatter raw egg ten feet in every direction and my teacher said “what the fuck, Dion?”

[eldritchanchovy]

[Video transcript:] Person angrily yelling: “–fucking computers bullshit. It’s fucking sick! It’s not cool anymore! It’s not fun! It’s not fun to be on the fucking computer! They changed everything about it! It used to be so coooool!”

[eldritchanchovy]

Also, I am just going to say it:

If your CEO is so inconsequential to the success of your company that he can be gunned down in the street like a dog and it has absolutely no impact on your company whatsoever, maybe he doesn't actually need to be paid several hundred times as much as your median employee.

Maybe you could get away with, like, ten to fifteen times and spend the extra tens of millions of dollars you save on something else.

Just thinking out loud.

[eldritchanchovy]

Lies I have told children ages 7-9

I am five billion years old

My name is Snuffalufagus Bartholomew Von Maximus the Third

I'm in Kindergarten because after college they make you start again all the way back in the beginning.

[eldritchanchovy]

Archaeologists in 3082: The USamerican mythology surrounding the winter solstice included horror stories of a being called the mariocari. From the surviving texts from the time, the mariocari was a humanoid being which encased itself in ice most of the year but roamed the lands when the temperature became colder. It would stalk the lands and drive its victims into madness and panic by relentlessly singing a song at them. The song in question was about the mariocari's desire to possess the victim (There are arguments over whether this meant it harvested peoples' souls or simply ate them).

Some archaeologists believe the mariocari myth was created when Japanese and Greek peoples came into contact and it is a fusion of the yuki-onna and sirens. Other archaeologists claim the mariocari was instead envisioned as a daughter of the USamerican god Danny Devito.

[eldritchanchovy]

[eldritchanchovy]

The reading comprehension and overall common sense on this website is piss poor.

[eldritchanchovy]

Ugh. I hate the current political climate. Trump is trash. I miss when we had REAL, GOOD presidents like *opens up a history book* umm... *keeps flipping* uhh... *frantically searches* oh Jesus oh god

[eldritchanchovy]

[ID: Post by rewinn on some social media platform I don’t recognize. (Maybe Threads? IDK?)

“My father whipped his five boys, as Tucker Carlson recommends.

What were the results?

I left home at the age of 13 and never looked back.

Two of my brothers died of substance abuse problems.

My other two brothers tried raising their kids the way he did; as adults, none of their kids speak to them, and I don't think they're allowed to see their grandkids.

LESSON: It is normal to hate people who hurt you.”

]

[eldritchanchovy]

U.S. conservatives always talk about creating jobs but get SO MAD whenever anyone mentions banning prison labor like imagine the insane ammout of jobs that would be created literally overnight if companies in your country had to actually employ people instead of using slave labor from people that got caught with weed 10 years ago.

[eldritchanchovy]

using "what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament" to mean "yeah i made an embarrassing reference but you understood it which is also embarrassing" is very funny to me

[eldritchanchovy]

Oh man living in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife and owning a large automobile fucking slaps

[eldritchanchovy]

I have a disorder that makes me want to headcanon every nonhuman character with the ability to purr regardless if it makes sense for their kind or not. It's called being right. With enough research i could justify a tree purring if i wanted to

[eldritchanchovy]

look I'm not gonna pretend I know anything about electronics, but sometimes a plug is so big it blocks another socket, and I'm always like "who the fuck do you think you are"

[eldritchanchovy]

Your gender is now the first randomized wikipedia article you get. No rerolls.