einefrau

[einefrau]

In retrospect

I never knew the pain of a broken heart until I felt it. 2020 wasn’t really a good year - all my travel plans got cancelled, COVID hits my country so bad, burnout at work, and yeah, breakup.

As I look back from last year’s pain, I’d say it doesn’t hurt as much. I still think of him everyday but only when my mind is at rest. I think of him not in the way I think before— wondering what he’s up to, stalking him, thinking if he’s already moved on. I only think of him because loneliness hits and I missed our memories together. Those days when he would send parcels and food, those times when we travel together, and those moments of intimacy, of good sex, and cuddles. On bad days, it was difficult because I couldn’t help but think of the things I lost because I lost him. I admit there are regrets and self-blame. But I have finally come into terms that it is what it is. I could certainly not bring back the past and I could not make him regret how he lost me.

And I know for myself that it is not what I wanted. Months before the breakup I felt miserable in the relationship. I was too unhappy and I was afraid I was settling. And yet, I couldn’t end it myself. I was afraid I’d lose myself and regret what I did. So I stayed and I’d like to appreciate him for also staying. I had acted in ways that seem so toxic because I wanted him to do something to save our relationship because I was losing it. I was so desperate and God knows how much I wanted it to work but I guess God also knows how much I wanted out. I remember being asked, what will I choose, someone I love more or someone who loves me more? And I’d always say, I’d love it if someones loves me more than I love him. I am pretty sure he loved me for everything he had done for me and for going miles first time away from his family and going to a foreign land just to be with me. But I realized it isn’t enough and it’s never going to be enough.

We are too different to be together. We live in different cultures, have different beliefs, and speak different language. Sometimes I think we’re also too similar. We’re a bit emotional and we’re stubborn. But we didn’t have anything solid in common.

I want someone who has a clear plan of what he wants in life because I can’t do it. I want someone who can guide and mentor me to be a better version of myself and not someone who will only say nice words to me. I want an honest but kind and loving person. I want someone who wants to see me grow and will correct me if I’m wrong. I want someone who can understand me on my bad days, knowing that I will have a terrible mood swing and just let me feel that way without dragging me down. I want someone who can lift my spirit up just by a funny message. I want someone whom I can discuss my little knowledge about politics, movies I watch, economy, and everything under the sun without us arguing and making one feels superior than the other. I want someone whom I can have healthy arguments with, because all relationships go through difficult times. I want someone who inspires me, someone who just doesn’t have a dream but knows how to get that dream. I want someone who respects me and will never ever cheat on me. I want someone who is interested with my friends and family. I want someone who has a life outside our relationship and who won’t make me feel guilty that he has no friends cause he spends his time only on me. And I also want someone who I can do all these things to him. Because love isn’t something about who gives more but it is about giving and receiving, happiness and sadness, wins and losses, and living life together as one.

Going through all this really makes me hopeful and excited to meet that someone who can rock my world and risk everything because I love him and he loves and we are committed to each other.

[einefrau]

I'm going to lie if I say I never thought of him all these years. I'm supposed to have moved on after two years and I think I'm faring pretty well. But, he's never left my thoughts. He's always there, the happy moments we shared together, and the good sex (well, these days it's just pretty much just the sex). I guess I'm not yet over that part, 'cause hey I never had one after him (kinda looking forward to the next one, tbvh).

But this post, as a halloween treat, is a post about his love for me that died and the person who turned into a ghost.

I still love him even after all these years. I tried with all my might to unlove him but I was unsuccessful. Well, I guess there's no such thing as 'unloving' a person who made you feel loved and taken cared of.

Today, I found a letter he wrote in my documents three years ago. I could feel that at that time, he might mean all the words he said. And again, I felt the love he had for me that nobody else did or does by far. I realised I was a fool before for thinking he didn't care about me and for being so insecure of his love which sabotaged the relationship. I would not recount the painful things as I have already accepted that both of us made mistakes and it's part of life.

Everything's in the past now. And I'd light a candle for my undying love for him. Not because I haven't moved on, but because I'd always love him. He was once very important to me and he will always be a part of who I am now.

Going forward, I'd really love to meet the person who's destined for me. And I hope we cross our paths soon.

[einefrau]

“I love you in every universe.”

These were the heart melting lines of Doctor Stephen Strange in the marvel movie, Doctor Strange: The Multiverse of Madness.

He really wouldn’t want to lose with the epic line from Iron Man, huh?!

But so much on the movie, I’d like to point out how these lines made me put higher expectations on men again. I want a love that could transcend time and space and if a guy can’t love me in every existing universe, then what’s the point?

Of course the concept of a multiverse and parallel universe is merely fictional and hypothetical but if it does really exist, then I would want myself to be loving the same person I will marry and of course that someone loving me as well in every universe.

I have talked about my breakup and breakdowns in this account and while I still think of them from time to time, I am quite relieved that I am healed and still healing from the grief and traumatic experience. I, too, have become more hopeful that I will meet the right person for me, that I can have the family I always wanted, and that I will be able to truly love the person.

Since last year, I have been writing down the qualities of a person I’d be happy to meet at the end of the aisle— I am positive that while he may not be perfect— he will have the core qualities of being a good husband and father.

This post is meant to manifest the person I can utter the words, “I love you in every universe” and that person will say the same thing and show actions that he really does.

I am wishful and hopeful and positive.

To whoever you are, I’d like to say in advance, thank you for coming into my life, the pain and the wait are so worth it!

[einefrau]

My 2021 in a nutshell: breakdowns and breakthroughs

January 2021

It was tough around this time. The breakup was so fresh and the loneliness sunk. I was fighting everyday and had to bottle up the breakdowns. I met awesome people online who shared the same experience and they were my companion leading to my healing.

February 2021

My birth month has not been easy. Work stress has taken a toll on me and until now I sometimes think of what could happen along the way. It was also this month that I decided that I won’t be the kind of friend whom people can belittle and treat poorly. With the decision to love myself more comes slowly cutting off people who don’t value me and ending the hope that my ex would come back to apologize.

March 2021

Super stressed with house works and losing lifetime savings.

April 2021

Meeting the new member of the family, my puppy. I must admit that I named him after the person who started it all — that first person I felt butterflies and has almost made me believe in love.

I also had relapse but fought so hard not to lose the gains and progress I made.

May 2021

Leaving my childhood home to start a new life. New home for the family.

June 2021

Reconnecting to an old colleague whom I really see fondly but trying so hard not to fall for.

July 2021

Work has taken a toll on me but slowly seeing light as vaccines have been rolling out widely.

August 2021

Losing hope again as covid cases rose due to the Delta variant. Family became a source of stress due to financial issues.

September 2021

A month of quarantine but still very thankful for the protection. Really one of the toughest months but someone made it better.

October 2021

I met someone who really inspired me a lot— he was hot as f*ck and his sexiness comes not only from his built but also from his intelligence. It was a short online fling but I learned a lot from him:

I can feel love again. I can find someone I can connect to again. Someone will be interested with me again. I can be happy again. I should never settle. I already know what I want for a lifetime partner. And lastly, I know my worth.

When that online fling cut communications with me, it does hurt a little but I am more resilient. Thank you, next is the attitude.

November 2021

Things were doing better again but moving out was troubling. It was tough doing all the work and knowing how much I cannot afford the things I want and how stuck I was in my career. I really wanted to leave but where will I begin?

December 2021

I learned to be stronger. Moved out and started a new life with a new apartment. The situation was not as expected and it is not really comfortable but things will get better soon.

Felt so pretty and had the chance to reconnect to friends. Work has been stressful as always. Family issues reached its height leading me to celebrate Christmas alone but it has never been quieter.

But after all the breakdowns and low-lows, I felt supported and remembered by the people I love the most - God and my family.

2021 is still as challenging as 2020. But God has answered my prayers, as always, and has supported me in the toughest days of the year. I am truly thankful for what the year has taught me and the blessings and wins- no matter how small.

I pray that 2022 be a better year for all of us. That covid doesn’t control our lives anymore. That my family remains healthy and become more loving. That my career soon reach another level of success. And that the God-chosen person for me finally met me. And I become the God-chosen person for another human being. Hello, 2022!

[einefrau]

It was around this time last year when I was crying so hard while everyone is enjoying the new year. I can clearly remember how pathetic I look like, listening to mellow music, crying my heart out, all while I could hear the fireworks and sound of new year. I prayed so hard to feel better and to be able to move on. Fast forward to now, I am glad and thankful for answered prayers. Though the heartbreak is still as vivid and it’s still uneasy to hear or see something about him, the pain has healed and I have found forgiveness in the deepest part my heart.

It’s the last day of the year. This day last year, I celebrated it together with the person I thought I would end up with. We promised we will still be together for this year’s New Year’s celebration but it didn’t happen. If not for covid, perhaps we’re enjoying the winter season in another country. But yeah, things didn’t turn up as planned. And that was the lesson I have learned this 2020.

I saw this post and it really hits home. I remembered praying for my mom and my dad’s continued good health and for me and my ex to be stronger together. Yes, my parents health is more important and I am blessed that nothing happened to them this year. However, I lost another important person in my life, my first boyfriend. I really thought he was God sent for me and I prayed hard so God could protect our relationship. But then he grew tired of me and left me without words. It is such a horrible experience coupled with the pandemic which made it really difficult for me to move forward given limitations and lockdown. I spent most of 2019 and 2020 with him but long distance is really difficult. No matter how hard I pray for our relationship, we still ended up apart.

We had so many plans in our lives but God and the universe will decide. When I applied for a scholarship, I failed the English test speaking part so I thought I won’t get it anymore. I continued praying and I got it in the end. I didn’t do it on my own, but God decided it’s for me. I always think about this every single time. He always answers my prayers every year but this year, He decided to break it so I can learn from my mistakes and shortcomings.

It was a very difficult year for me with the pandemic and the breakup. He was my anchor, my rock, and my love - but in the end, he chose to break my heart.

In 2021, I pray to God for healing - heal my brokenness and heal the world. I look forward to being whole again and to being completely healed. I wish for forgiveness and for me to be guided in the right direction. I still wish I could be able to build a family in God’s gracious time.

Happy New Years!

[einefrau]

Pandemic and Breakup : What I learned in spite of it all

Life amidst the pandemic is hard. All weekends and holidays are spent at home, doing nothing but work. Hanging out with people to unload unnecessary stress is impossible. Traveling is now a dream long gone. Relationship? Don’t get me started with it. Long distance relationship is already difficult to maintain in itself and the shitty pandemic makes it even tougher.

Life is already tough. And it’s become even more stressful trying to cope with the changes brought about by the pandemic. It’s suffocating as much as face masks do. Lockdowns here, restrictions there. The work from home arrangement we all long for is not that sweet after all — in fact, it’s a bittersweet response where it burns out all energy left. As if there is any left from feeling the anxiety of contracting the virus, not just yourself but your loved ones too.

Yet it gets more exciting. A breakup. A freaking breakup of a long distance relationship in the middle of a pandemic. It is terrifying. It’s like dying again after dying once. The only thing that lightens up the dark nights has vanished and turned into a blackhole of pain and nightmares.

It was my first real heartbreak with my first boyfriend. We were long distance after I went back to my country from studies in his country. We were doing fine a few months into the pandemic but it went downhill. And in a matter of text, everything was gone.

God knows how much I cried in the process and asked him to just take the pain away. Because I couldn’t handle it. I don’t really know how. People tell me I’m smart and quick to learn but this time, I am clueless. I googled and looked for answers I never got from him. I seek shelter from forums where people would apologize in his behalf. Countless of podcasts and blogs on moving forward are in my search history. Christmas and New Year never felt so empty and frightening. I don’t have any other thing to do because there’s lockdown. I am imprisoned in my own home with the pain of losing a relationship I once prayed for.

And it’s totally okay.

There are things that are beyond our control — this ongoing pandemic, and someone’s feelings for us. It will be very taxing to think of ways to control these two situations. Because we cannot. No matter how brilliant of a scientist you are, there is no way to control the pandemic in an instant. No matter how rich, young, and beautiful you are, you cannot force someone to love you. And that’s fine. That’s the law of the universe. If people have much power and control over something, then why are we alive in the first place? Living entails surviving, winning, failing, and dying.

Sounds easy? No way. Juggling the anxiety of pandemic, stress at work, and pain of a breakup is never easy. It takes so much energy and drive to get back up and come out strong. Because the only thing we can control is how we think and how we react. We never know if we can still wake up the next day, if we can survive in this pandemic, or if we can still have that dream family. But we can thank today so we don’t have regrets tomorrow, stay safe and healthy, and be a better person.

Focus on what you can control.

This has been the greatest lesson I learned that only experience can teach me. Co-worker spreading nonsense and talking behind my back? Ignore. Not getting the job and pay? Do better. Feeling left behind by contemporaries? Ignore and follow own path. Seeing no end in this pandemic? Follow the protocols and live. Getting broken up with? Thank the person for freeing up the space for someone best fit for you.

While I could not categorically say that I have fully moved on or satisfied with how things are going, I am glad that, finally, I am fine and thriving.

[einefrau]

It’s the last day of the year. This day last year, I celebrated it together with the person I thought I would end up with. We promised we will still be together for this year’s New Year’s celebration but it didn’t happen. If not for covid, perhaps we’re enjoying the winter season in another country. But yeah, things didn’t turn up as planned. And that was the lesson I have learned this 2020.

I saw this post and it really hits home. I remembered praying for my mom and my dad’s continued good health and for me and my ex to be stronger together. Yes, my parents health is more important and I am blessed that nothing happened to them this year. However, I lost another important person in my life, my first boyfriend. I really thought he was God sent for me and I prayed hard so God could protect our relationship. But then he grew tired of me and left me without words. It is such a horrible experience coupled with the pandemic which made it really difficult for me to move forward given limitations and lockdown. I spent most of 2019 and 2020 with him but long distance is really difficult. No matter how hard I pray for our relationship, we still ended up apart.

We had so many plans in our lives but God and the universe will decide. When I applied for a scholarship, I failed the English test speaking part so I thought I won’t get it anymore. I continued praying and I got it in the end. I didn’t do it on my own, but God decided it’s for me. I always think about this every single time. He always answers my prayers every year but this year, He decided to break it so I can learn from my mistakes and shortcomings.

It was a very difficult year for me with the pandemic and the breakup. He was my anchor, my rock, and my love - but in the end, he chose to break my heart.

In 2021, I pray to God for healing - heal my brokenness and heal the world. I look forward to being whole again and to being completely healed. I wish for forgiveness and for me to be guided in the right direction. I still wish I could be able to build a family in God’s gracious time.

Happy New Years!

[einefrau]

Love, what is it like?

Is it like the feeling of waiting so patiently for a single text message? Is it the feeling of smiling crazy because someone said you’re pretty? Is it the feeling of a jumping heart, a sweaty hands, and an upset stomach? Is it like the feeling of being kissed for the first time? Is it the feeling of unknown anxiety every single time you hit the send button and wait for a response? Is it like risking everything hoping you could see that person again?

Or is it the feeling of being able to open your heart and mind without that the risk of being judged? Of just being with the person you can bare everything to without pretense? Of feeling safe and secured? Is it that commitment that transcend beyond borders? Is it sending messages knowing soon you will get a response? Is it knowing that you have so much differences but still hanging on to it? Is it submitting your ideals to the one that is far behind what is ideal?

But if either or both of these is love, then is it safe to say that love submits and settles for what may just be fleeting? Can love be both ideal and problematic? Is ideal even the perfect love you desire? Then if not, is love a sacrifice - a sacrifice of succumbing into something that is far beyond your expectations just because you are committed to it and you start settling for less than the love you thought you deserve? Or is it even love to begin with if you are confused, hesitant, and uncertain?

Sixteen months. Is it even love?