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Day 19 - Happy Birthday Mumsy (and Martin - Jeanette’s dad).

Dear Joy,

A dull day not a dull life (Jody’s input to the blog). As the concrete floor was still drying we didn’t go to site. Just as well as Jody was dead in bed yet again. Meanwhile Julio was up and about on the phone to the UN. Then off he was being a dutiful IR student. We were secretly praying that he wasn’t turned away for asking classic Julio questions. The rest of us headed off to school. After meeting the headmistress, Ani and Jeanette got taken to class. The class was not English like we thought but Kuandi. A lesson we all definitely could do with. Jess and I were taken to a separate Kuandi class. We only caught the end of the class but already managed in that short time to cause havoc. Arriving in the class of 6 year olds Jess and I attempted to sit on one side of the bench. Not only was the bench seconds away from collapsing but the kids on the other side nearly went flying. Minutes later properly seated we began to pay attention. The children were learning about how to form syllables. Jess, the linguistics student, beside me was having a small fit of excitement and even asked to take a photo of the board at the end of the lesson. The teacher said we should come back for a full hour lesson at some point. After we said our thank yous we left. Returning home we had found the hermit (Jods) had emerged from her bed. She decided to have a shower and secretly I agreed. She needed one. Moments later she whacked out she had brought across the world but hadn't used yet (classic Jods). To be fair to her she drew the line at the straighteners. Moments later a beautifully coiffured Jody appeared before us (throwback to how immaculate she looks everyday in Edi). While Jody was  Jess and I stayed feeling rank waiting for Alex. When he arrived we went with him to get wifi. On route we touched in at the site to see the progress of the concrete. Then we went to his old house and met his cousin Winfreda who is the person after which Freda was named. There the van picked up bricks we were going to use for the training centre. Returning home we had Ani and Jeanette telling us to ‘stop making noise’ in their newly learnt Kuandi (they had stayed at the school for the moat part of the day). To be fair to Jody she went out of her way to blow dry my hair. Mumsy, who was ready to call me, was shocked that I was drying my hair for the first time in Zambia of all places. Afterwards I called Mumsy wishing her a happy birthday. Jeanette did the same to her did the same to her dad. Mumsy and I had a lovely chat but by the sounds of how many builders are at my house its going to be unrecognisable when I get home when I get home. Also its hotter at home – madness! Julio was out at the school teaching the kids colonial history. The last time I saw him he was armed with a plastic crown. I can only guess what was in store for the kids….When he returned he said it had been successful but he wasn't sure everyone had full understood what he was trying say. Refreshed with a new wifi package it was set up to be a highly anti social evening with all us finding better company on instagram (well mainly Jody). As we were so bored of bland tomato pasta we decided to spice up out lives literally by using a Mexican chili sauce we had brought. Although it blew our brains out I think we were just all so glad it had some flavour. During cooking we discovered that the oven did work and we all started fantasizing about what we could make. Ani focus as per was on the potential cake that could be made. Factoring in Jody and I’s diet we stayed planning to make lemon and banana cakes. We concluded our usual shopping centre Shoprite would not help us achieve our backing dreams and vowed to go to Pick N Pay. I was praying that they would have avos because Rivitas and tuna was slightly killing me. Now we all had wifi we thought we should post to keep our fans happy. Minding my own business I was posting a inst of Jeanette, Jody and I when I was ambushed. I was just about to start a classic hashtagging spree when Jeanette was like you always hashtag. Not understanding why that was a bad thing Jody preceded amidst hysterics to tell no one hash tasks anymore. In fairness she was right and I just had to scroll down my news feed to prove that but still. To say I took this badly was an understatement. I blanked Jody, a task I find near impossible. I had already unintentionally blanked Jess when she said I was in her insta so it was going well. I knew I was in the wrong but it took me a full 15 minutes to apologise because I’m too proud. I was more angry at myself that I had been so socially stupid to not realize hashtagging was not the done thing anymore in the 21st century. Settling down we watched Come Fly with me. Ani is definitely the funniest person to watch this with because her face is just full of disapproval (I feel sometimes that's the way she looks at me when I do something stupid. Meanwhile Jess and I as we are so easily amused were wetting ourselves. Going to the sitting room to brush my teeth my attention was drawn by Julio’s game. It was like Age of Empires but 100x more clever as it factors in economics, historical context and politics. Basically in summary it was the perfect fame for a politics nerd like Julio. Saying that I was hooked and before long I had set up my own game starting as the UK. By the time I had finished my first attempt at world domination the lights were off in the girls room. When I asked for a light it turned out everyone was asleep. This meant I had to make the treacherous journey across Jody’s s**t to my bed. Luckily I managed but then felt super bad for blanking Jody and forgetting to give her the sleeping tablets I promised. However guilt can only get you so far and within minutes I was fast asleep.

Adios,

Biggest Girl.

Quote of the day: Boredom prevents the team from being their usual super witty selves.

P.s. In hindsight it wasn't a boring day looking at the length of the entry. Unluckily for you I don't believe in paragraphs in this blog! 

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Day 18 - FINALLY A LIE IN

Dear Joy, 

Well I say lie in but we all ended up waking up naturally at 8am (classic). Either way the team was secretly delighted they didn’t have to go to church. Obviously not me as I’m a super pious Christian! After a refreshing shower, I attempted to sit outside and brush my hair straight. However sadly my hair as many people know cannot be tamed. After a while I gave up on that pursuit. Jody, meanwhile was dead in bed suffering from a cold. However not sure I was as sympathetic as I could have been so I left her very much alone. Jeanette, Ani, Jess and I walked into town. We went to the market and as per Ani couldn't contain her excitement or the contents of her purse when it came to chitengis. To be fair I also brought 2 so I can hardly talk. Exiting the market we went to the supermarket. Jess made a cracking observation in vegetable isle and made herself the quote of the day (for the first time). After buying water and medicine for Jody we walked home. At home I lathered Jody with gifts which consisted of cough medicine, cotton buds and dried mango as an apology for being insensitive. We had another classic pasta and tomato sauce dinner. We thought we would have a very quiet evening when alas all hell broke loose. The windows having been open for a spring clean has become an open attraction from bugs. Jody first spotted a big bug outside the windows and warned us to quickly shut the windows between screams. Meanwhile Julio was also screaming (at the same high pitch) about the spider which was inside. After moments of chaos two creatures were very much dead. Then Jody and Jess started a conversation regarding names. It ended up sounding suspiciously like Katie Hopkins on TV. Both agreeing they wouldn't date a Kai, a Liam or a Kyle. During this conversation Jess got a second quote of the day (she’s on a role). Meanwhile I was stating that they were both judgmental snobs which they didn’t take too well. After this conversation we decided to settle down and watched Pitch Perfect 2. Jess was too tired but Julio as ever was super enthusiastic to watch another chick flick. When the film finished it was 11pm. Shock horror it’s the latest we've stayed up all trip even though it not late at all. Unlucky for Jess we weren't particularly quiet getting ready for bed and so managed to wake Jess up. Apologising profusely we all settled into bed. Whilst Julio and Jess had an insightful conversation about Aldous Huxley’s ‘Brave New World’. I say insightful but it was clear Jess didn’t really know what he was talking about. Meanwhile in the girls room Jody had started probably the dullest conversation in history regarding the geographical locations of Disney princesses. This was almost but not quite as boring as when Jody went through her year 12 timetable. For the record she has single business on Monday mornings (in case you were interested – we weren't). Finally after listing where every Disney princess was from she fell silent (thank God!). Then we all went to sleep (well Jess and Julio were still having their convo).

Adios, 

Biggest Girl. 

Quote of the day: ‘Papaya, I thought that was a type of crisp. Oh no that's paprika.’ (Jess)

‘I’d rather date a Jordan over a Kai.’ (Jess again).

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Day 17 - Don’t compromise, condomize

Dear Joy,

4am Jody asked Jeanette whether she was awake. Subsequently that woke me up from my rather disturbing dreams. I preceded to tell Jody about my dreams at the top of my voice because as most of you know I don't have an inside voice/don’t know how to whisper. I won’t go in depth with my dreams as this is not a dream diary/I don't want to be referred to a psychiatrist but they may or not featured a old lady who peels potatoes with an eye liner sharpener, a welsh girl with bags toed to her feet and a plane full of men with diarrhea. Don't ask! I blame the concoction of drugs (all medicinal don't worry Mumsy). Malarone  plus heartburn tablets (which Jody kindly got me when the malarone tablets gave me heart burn). Jeanette meanwhile was grumpy about this 4am chat. Waking up again it was 8:00am. As per usual Julio and Jess were in the living room having been up for hours. Today was a Saturday which means condoms. Well not just condoms but HIV awareness and testing campaign. This time avoiding the traumatic market of last week, we went to an agricultural show. It was definitely different from the Dorset steam fair, Dorset county show or Ringwood and Ellingham show (wow I’m so country). Alex was armed with a very fitting t-shirt. Its quote making quote of the day; ‘don't compromise, condomize’. Once we had set up the marquee Jody and I decided to find the toilet. When we found them there is no words for the state it was in. There was s**t on the floor of every cubicle. Multiple poos in each one. We came out gagging because we are princesses (although Jody would probably say she was a queen). A man then gave us the key to the other look which luckily had no poos in sight. Returning from the trauma we had found that the team had been HIV tested. Jody and I, knowing that there was no chance in hell we had it (#virginlife). Good news – all six of us were negative – YAY. Then Jody and I, because we are 10 years old, decided to make a handshake. As Jody has an unhealthy love of baby hippos, we thought it should feature as part of the handshake. However our impression of a baby hippo couldn't be more inaccurate. I cant put into words what the action was like but it definitely sounded more like a wounded puppy than a baby elephant. Without realising our little spectacle had attracted an audience. Soon we had Zambian of all ages (okay mainly young men with other motives) joining in. To watch one guys try and impersonate a baby hippo was priceless. After the hype died down we realised our key man Juju (a patronising name coined by me). Turned out that him with his big arse camera had become the chief photographer for the football tournament. We went over to watch in the VIP section thanks to Juju’s skills. The football match wasn’t quite AFC Bournemouth (#cherries) but was at a good standard especially as they were high school students. Jeanette and Ani then came to the stadium armed with HIV awareness flyers. We all preceded to give them out trying to avoid giving them to kids and trying to avoid being hollered at by young men. One guys named Thomas wanted free condoms without getting tested. He also wanted me to take him over to the stand. 2 minutes into the conversation he wanted to be my best friend. 4 minutes into the conversation he wanted to be my boyfriend. Even making up a phantom boyfriend didn’t seem to discourage him. The way he saw it, its not cheating if its in a different country. I mean I feel his logic is slightly flawed. Arriving at the tent it turned out he didn’t want any condoms after all. At this point Jody was sniggering at my attempt to get rid of him. In fairness he was pretty hot, but bloody hell he was persistent. Finally her left and Jods and I decided to get back to our handshake. Ani, who hasn't seen it before, was unbelievably scathing of our efforts (Simon Cowell) whereas Jess was a bit more enthusiastic. Upset, hungry and tired we started dreaming of Hungry Lion. Then Jods and I were like f**k the diet and embraced a cheat day. Minutes later our dreams became a reality as we queued up at the till ready to make orders so big that they would probably k9ill us in the long run. After about 4 bites of heaven, I was so full I was in pain. After a diet of Rivitas, tuna, oranges, apples and pasta this much food left me feeling physically sick. Sadness – at home I would have demolished one. As Alex could only take 4 home, Jeanette and Ani stayed behind. Alex dropped us at the edge of the compound and as we were walking home we discovered some interesting information about Julio. Firstly his name is Julio Caesar Orthon. I’m sorry but how is that not funny. Secondly everyone is called Julio/a. His dad is Julio (Caesar as well), his ex is Julia and his sister is Julia. I was in hysterics. Only when they returned did we hear the trauma they had been subjected to. A 20ish year old man approached them outsider Hungry Lion. Simultaneously he tried stroking their legs. Jeanette quickly got herself. Apparently it felt like it was taking an age to get back. Finally the knight is shining armour rocked up (aka Alex) to save the day. However this man was so persistent that as Ani got up to leave he tried to hug and kiss her. Ani with her face turned away was basically licked. Traumatised everyone had a quiet evening and early bedtime. 

Adios, 

Biggest Girl 

Quote of the Day: ‘Don't compromise, condomize’ (Alex’s t-shirt).

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Day 16 - Ani vs. Shima (the latter won)

Dear Joy,

12am Jody and I ventured to the loo only to forget the key. Waking up in the girl’s room illness had struck again. Poor Ani had not slept. Ani thinks the cause of her illness was the dry fish she had with shima. Her poor welsh stomach wasn't used to the taste. Julio meanwhile wanted to go to the school to see about teaching politics/history. Bless him. 2 down, the 4 of us went off to site.  It was a beautiful cloudy day (like marshmallows – thanks Jessie for the blog input). We were back on the concrete ferrying which I would say we were experts at now. I would say work was the calmest it had been all trip which is ironic because it wasn't Jeanette and I who were ill. Returning home, I feigned to Julio that I had forgotten to replace the olive oil when actually I couldn't be bothered to go to the supermarket. Red carpet acting skills! Ani had improved slightly and was eating a cupcake – one crumb at a time. We all were pretty chilled out, except from Jody when she found out her exam results came out today. After she had said about a thousand times she’s failed, she passed them all #stressmerchant #pessimist. As she was so desperate to find out, she bought a tiny bit of wifi. Jess and I thought ours may be out also, so we desperately tried to do the same thing. As much I was proud of and happy for Jody, my heart was racing to look at mine. Sadly, the internet thing didn’t work. Retreating back to my perpetually chilled out state, we started chatting. Like with Mamma Mia, where the convo turned to airports, minutes later we were all huddled over one sofa watching Come Fly with Me (my fav). Admist the laughter, Alex returned and the panic settled back in. Jess and I went into his house and anxiously waited. First, Jess logs into EUCLID and… massive anticlimax her results weren’t up. I did the same, feeling physically sick and was pleasantly surprised by the results. Especially the fact I got 87% in Logic, when I’m the least logical person I know. Jess, Ani, Jeanette and I decided to retreat to bed to escape the political chat that was commencing between Julio and Jody. After they had sufficiently analysed every country in the world and whether they liked the people or not, the rest of the team were very ready to put pins in our eyes. Finally, they also retreated to bed (thank God!)

Adios, 

Biggest Girl.

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Day 15 - Don't cry over spilt oil.

Dear Joy,

Setting off early to the government buildings, Julio/Jess and I decided to walk. As Julio/Jess walk ridiculously fast we got to the buildings only 10 minutes after the rest of the team arrived by car. Finally we received some good news regarding the visa situ (good for the team especially stressed out Ani). All we had to do was return on the 3rd of July and get in renewed free of charge. We failed to say to the immigration officer that we would probably be disastrously hungover as we would be coming back from a lodge for Jody’s birthday. Then we went to sit and Jody and I decided that we needed to step up the diet and buy Rivitas (yum). Today’s job involved wheelbarrowing concrete. Ani’s first attempt was laughable. Jody was meanwhile was complemented by Ogrief (who all the girls think is hot) when he said ‘I like the way you hold that wheelbarrow’. It was pretty scorching though so after a while we took longer and longer breaks. Going to the supermarket Jody and I stocked up on Rivitas, water, tuna and fruit (my fav). Coming home we had a very non-eventful afternoon. After a long awaited shower, I did my washing with Jess. Later I tried to go to the loo, but someone was already in there. When Jeanette came out she commented on how pretty my hair looked. Returning back from the loo Jeanette had tipped off the them off how my hair looked and I was flooded by compliments. Ani went as far as suggesting we should do a photoshoot. Tons of beautiful photos of me later we turned the camera to the kids. It took about a hour to make Regina smile but it was worth everything. Retreating inside Jody and I decided to cook dinner. Jeanette came along for moral support. When I, because I’m a pampered princess who has a rice cooker/always buys uncle ben’s, forgot to boil the water before putting the rice in all hell broke loose. I was ridiculed within an inch of my life and decided to have a 6 year old tantrum and leave a perplexed Jody and Jeanette. Storming into the house, I threw my show into the kitchen and accidentally smashed Julio’s prized possession, his beloved extra virgin olive oil. Feeling useless, I resorted to crying in my bed. Eventually growing up I came back out to eat the rice which turned out to be fine and apologized to Julio, Jeanette and Jody. Feeling exhausted I decided to go to sleep for what I thought would be the whole night but this was not the case…

Adios, 

Biggest Girl

Quote of the day: ‘I like the way you hold that wheelbarrow’ (Ogrief to Jody a.k.a the machine).

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Day 14 - Drunk Hands

Dear Joy,

As we didn’t want to be deported the British embassy said that we should go speak to Mr Luwindi. Sadly before we left I was feeling a bit sick but assessing the importance of a visa I decided to go to the government buildings. Sufficently drugged up (using Daddy’s free prescription) we walked. Luckily I fell into conversation with Julio which was a good distraction. As Julio walks stupidly fast very soon we were miles ahead of the rest of the team. While I had a very pleasant convo with Julio the rest of the team had somewhat less peaceful experience. Jody and her fluorescent skin attracted a certain admirer. Out of knowhere and without invitation this admirer grabbed Jody’s arse. As he was obviously not 100% satisfied he tried again. At this point Ani hit the fan and shoved the man in front of a bus Mean girls style. What both Jody and Ani failed to mention when they were retelling the story was that the bus was stationary. Either way we all arrived to find out the Mr Luwindi wasn’t in. All the team were slightly deflated and were dreading the hour walk back in the scorching heat. To be fair to Ani she kept her cool. Walking back we stopped at a slightly dodgy supermarket. About 20 guys surrounded the entrance eying us up. Luckily we were fine. However we did not get very far due to Ani’s unhealthy addiction to chitengi. 4 and counting but to be fair Jess and Julio also got one each and they were very pretty. Retuning home we all collapsed only to be disturbed by a mysterious man. Turns out he was a plumber come to fix the loo and the shower. After he took K55 of my money we found out that Alex had already paid him. He disappeared for a bit and we presumed that was the last we would see of him. Oh how wrong we were. As it was such a beautiful day the team decided to go on holiday 20 metres away to the river. However as we are all so British (sorry Julio), Jeanette/Ani and Jody lasted less than 5 minutes and retreated inside because of the heat. Jess, Julio and I stayed out there but sadly we attracted a fan club. As soon as I put my cards down, 6 boys started playing with them in no coherent order. Getting fed up we couldn't just sunbathe in peace we retreated inside. 5 minutes later seeing the coast was clear I snuck out to the river. For the first time in 2 weeks I was completely alone and it was bliss. Don’t get me wrong I love the team and the kids but peace and quiet to listen to my tunes was amazing. I did have one woman visitor who came and took some v unattractive selfies of me. Then Anita came and tried to teach me Kaonde which I was absolutely hopeless at (reminiscent of my GCSE French). Meanwhile Jess feeling super guilty for not getting the girl a present so when she returned at 3 like she said she would, jerss panic scrambled through her bad to find her colouring book. I must give it to that girl, I thick I might just say it's my birthday is everyday to different people in order to get the maximum amount of gifts. When the sun went in I stood up and grabbed my towel but alas. Although microfibre towels are brilliant at absorbing water, they aren't great when used as a picnic blanket. This is because it managed to pick up and entire barns worth of hay. Little did I know when I took it down that I would spend the next 2 hours picking hay out my towel. Thankfully Regan (Alex’s nephew) decided to help me and we had a hour long chat featuring marriage and underage drinking in Zambia. However returning back home I had missed out on all the drama and returned to find the team traumatised. The handyman/plumber was drunk and terrorizing the team demanding more money. When he was ignored long enough, he finally left leaving us with his spinner (he was such a tool!). Back onside there was another bug saga in Julio and Jess’ room. Julio looses all manliness (note like he had tons to start with!) when it comes to spiders. My newest fav phrase is ‘filho da puta’ (son of a bitch in Portuguese) to use in the presence of bugs. Obviously it sounds a lot better coming from Julio that is does in my British accent. We decided to have some tomato pasta for dinner (what a surprise…not). However we got more than we bargained for when we found ants in the pasta. Because we are gross and giving up on hygiene we enjoyed our extra bits of protein. Then we went to sleep.

Adios, 

Biggest Girl

Quote of the day: Probably some drunken slur from the plumber.

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Day 13 - RIP Angelina the Mouse

Dear Joy,

Another day at work I must say it was probably the most efficient day yet. This was probably, okay definitely due, to the workmen helping us as they had no work because the concrete was too wet. What we would have done in 3 days by ourselves was done in 3 hours. What this meant was NO MORE BRICK DUST staining our skin (got burned of writing in capitals. Today’s work also featured a lot of wildlife (where’s David a` `1Attenborough at ?!?!). First I saved a caterpillar’s life from the grasp of Jeanette’s brick. Although I must say although she may be a potential bug killer she did an amazing job laying bricks. Sadly the rescue as implied by the title did not extend to a certain mouse. As normally we find snake skins, the presence of a cute field mouse was very exciting until…Not sure I can write this without sobbing, one of the man grabbed poor Angelina (named by me) by the tail and banged him against the brick pile twice. It was so adorable and so unjustly killed we decided to give it a funeral (well I decided too, Jeanette, Ani and Jess couldn’t be less concerned by its death). Julio’s manpower dug the grave whilst Jody attended for moral support #bae). I put flowers in the grave with Angelina and blessed her (shugar maybe my theology degree will turn me into a priest all along!). Then we left her to rest in peace, well I tried till I accidentally stepped on her grave (keep reading). Going to the supermarket, I got another chitengi (fabric wrap) then preceeded to wait 6 hours for Ani, Jeanette and Jess to finally finish their shopping. I swear I found a grey hair after the ordeal. Walking back from the supermarket Jess or Jessie as everyone calls her here, attracted a fan who walked with us. We thought nothing of it as we are practically national celebs here until the same fan managed to track Jess down to the compound. Weirded out and being the nice yet ignorant girl Jess is she managed to promise the girl a gift for the next day. The cynics i.e. the rest of the team rest of us told Jess that she didn’t actually have to get the girl a present. Jody and I then decided to sit by the river and read our books. However trying to find peace and quiet here is like (sorry for the cliché) finding a needle in a thousand haystacks. Engrossed in my book, shout out/PR for Jody Picoult and her book ‘Change of heart’, I resorted to sitting in the dark to read it in peace. Having finished the book I was emotionally fragile to say the least. When I remembered Angelina the mouse and Julio retold the story of her brutal death, it was too much and I had my first cry of the trip. Not like the team were supportive at all and started ridiculing me within an inch of my life (well that was the point the mouse didn’t have a life anymore…). Matters weren’t helped when Julio revealed whilst trying to construct a cross I accidentally stepped on the grave (ooops…). As I wasn’t allowed to mourn I did the next best thing and played rummee (which I won btws!). Jeanette however thinking that smelling my arm was more entertaining than the game remarked ‘you smell like river water…in a good way.’ Gee thanks Jeanette. Unsurprisingly yet again Jeanette wins quote of the day. In a huff I decided to brush my teeth (not with river water you would be happy to know) and went to sleep. The team followed suite including river water smeller Jeanette.

Adios,

Biggest Girl

Quote of the day: Jeanette’s ‘compliment’ regarding me smelling like river water.

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Day 12 - Calamity Jen

Dear Joy, 

Back to work today. I think most of us were relishing the dust free weekend. However we were enthusiastic to get up and go. Jody and I decided to walk. One minute we were minding our own business the next minute we were being harassed by two boys. Jody used some classic lines like ‘ I don’t know how old I am’ or ‘we don’t celebrate birthdays in order to get rid of them. When we turned onto the main road we thought we had lost our pursuers, When, alas out of nowhere one came running after us luckily Alex arrived in the knick of time to save the day. He just laughed when we told him about our admirers. Arriving at the sight we decided to do a chain of bricks in order to be more efficient. I would say it was mostly an efficient system until Jeanette and I were put close together. It was a disaster. Between us we managed to drop about 20 bricks, trip over about 60 times and nearly died of laughter. Matters were made even more inefficient when I decided to make up some classic tunes about bricks. Highest grossing song had to be ‘brick brick brick brick brick brick.’ I also decided to practice boxing with Julio for some unknown reason. It was safe to say not the whole team approved of Jeanette and I’s activities. Jody even even went as far as throwing a brick at Jeanette. Julio even tried to throw a brick dangerously close to Jeanette’s head. Luckily no one was injured through the ordeal. Not sure why it was everyone hate Jeanette day, I would love to say Jeanette’s day got better from then on. Sadly this was not the case. Ani and I walked home to find out the rest of the  team had got disastrously lost. How they got lost was beyond me. The muppets have been living here a week. Returning home everyone went to have showers, or to be more accurate ‘tub’ of river water.  Jeanette’s and I’s trip to get water was very eventful. Firstly I decided to piggy back her there, she was surprisingly light (jokes but she was very light). We got laughed at for that one by the farmer. Secondly Jeanette so nearly fell into the water when trying to get water. As you can guess from the title Jeanette wasn't having the best day. As evening fell Julio served up a surprisingly good dish of tuna pasta with a sprig of coriander (ooh fancy, well fancy for our standards). Shoutout to Jeanette’s amazing plaiting. Although she’s been doing a superb job all holiday, today she branched out literally and did two plaits instead of one (radical). However I must say in the contest of who wore it better I definitely won. Ani’s thin hair lead to the smallest plants (reminiscent of 6 year olds hair – jokes). After supper while listening to some of Jody’s sick tunes ABBA came up. Moments later, like 12 year olds at a sleepover we were all on the mattresses watching Mamma Mia. Julio, who had never seen it before (traitor), was a bit outnumbered by 5 girls a who knew every word to every song. Jeanette made an observation which will change the way we watch Mamma Mia forever. Tanya and Rosie are Jody and I’s alter egos. Jody like Tanya will have multiple divorces (lets hope she doesn't become a family lawyer) and a lot of plastic surgery. Whereas I like Rosie will remain to be stupidly clumsy and continue to make out I don't need men but I really do. This discovery made the rest of the film a hoot (even more so than usual). Sufficiently cheesed up we went to sleep.

Adios,

Biggest Girl

Quote of the day: ‘I need love not anger Jody’ (Jeanette). ‘Ooooh there are actually clouds in Zambia.’ (Jeanette). And to finish the trio ‘was it hard for your mum during childbirth.’ (Jeanette).

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DAY 11 - Brother Georgie

Dear Joy,

A new day, a new team – all fit and ready for life or church. Jody succeeded as the last man standing, literally. As we couldn't all fit in the car, Jeanette and Ani volunteered to take the bus with Rebecca. A proposal they probably regretted (literally) after a man actually tried to propose to both of them on route. Anyhow, in more or less one piece we arrived at church. 3 hours later we escaped with my dreams of a proper gospel choir fulfilled, me accidentally welcomed as a brother as opposed to a sister in front of the entire congregation and Ani concluding that her first experience of church was very long. However I couldn't escape the mortification of being called a boy as we preceded to stand and shake the hand of the entire congregation. Our mouths hurt so much from smiling. Jokes aside, can’t speak for everything I had the best time and even though most of the time I didn't know what was going on, I did feel his spirit. After we had greeted the congregation, we were further welcomed in a classroom by some of the church leaders. I have to say due to common courtesy, both Jody and I had to break our pinky promise to not have anything to drink but water for the next 2 months. Although, valid I shouldn't still as a self respecting 19 year old use pinky promises as a legit method of trust, I feel like this was exceptional circumstances. Don't get me wrong that fake looking Fanta that only exists outside the UK was the best thing ever. Returning from church, it was already 2pm by the time Jess and I decided to do our washing. A lot of grimy brown water later our washing was out on the line. Until today I thought Jody was the one with the obsession for black but turns out Jess is a hidden horse. I presumed Jess would have hung up lord of pretty flowery tops but instead it was all black. Meanwhile my washing was typically blue. After washing Jess and I sat on the steps enjoying the view yet again. Before long, as it is impossible to have some peace and quiet here (jokes) Ani and Jeanette and Jody came and joined armed with a crossword book. Let's just say some people have a better aptitude for crosswords than others. Jess, the linguistics student, was acing it even using her French (the other part of her degree helping us). Ani, on the other hand, who’s aim was to get better, quickly lost interest in her book. Jeanette was meanwhile focusing on her own personal project of a rubrics cube. When the entire cube crumbled into pieces she used her initiative and decided to solve the puzzle by reconstructing the cube to look like it had been completed by her skill. Despite her preoccupation, she did offer some input to the crossword saga. Whether this input could be called constructive is another matter entirely (see quote of the day). After we had given up on the crossword and concluded it was a stupid crossword because we couldn't do it (to be honest we were the stupid ones but too proud to admit it. We had nshima lovingly prepared by Alex’s family. The pork was to die for, well at least half of the team shared that opinion. It was clear to see who liked nshima and who didn't (Ahem Jody picking – literally as nshima is eaten using hands – at her meal). After we had eaten we retired to bed.

Adios,

Biggest Girl

Quote of the day: ‘Something long beginning with D? ‘Dick….tator’ (Jeanette).

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DAY 10 - Another one hits the dust (literally)

Dear Joy,

Waking up and alas another fly/spider/cockroach/bug that Jody is scared of fell ill in the form of Jess. Another troop we had to leave behind, but at least Julio, Ani and Jeanette were back fighting fit. Leaving Jess to her own devices, literally she had been given both Jody and I’s Ipad. Note: I owe her for typing the beginning of this infamous blog. Meanwhile we set off to the market by foot to help out with the HIV testing programme. We learnt that there were two kinds of tests and someone had to test positive for both to be HIV positive. There was also more condoms to give out than Id ever seen (not like that is hard!) One minute I was squirming about needles, the next minute I was overheating and feeling dizzy and then everything was spinning. Opening my eyes, I temporarily forgot I was in Zambia and so the presence of 20 Zambian people looking at me from above was slightly terrifying. Luckily seeing Ani brought me back to reality, I was on EGP project in Zambia and s***t I had just passed out, fell through a marque and hit the dust in the middle  of a busy African market.  Trying to shake off the absolute embarrassment, Alex lead me to his car and drove me home. Poor Alex, I had given him the fright of his life. Apparently as I learned later on he wasn't the only one I had frightened. Opening the door to a surprised Jess I retold retold the horrors before hibernating in bed. In hindsight I should have eaten breakfast… oops (maybe I shouldn't take this diet too far). Minutes later an overly concerned Jody ran in with my water bottle to the rescue. I was incredibly touched by her compassion and felt super bad for leading her to a day of boredom inside. However, I felt good that the Biomedics were in their element dealing with the testing. The rest of my day wasn't too boring, Jess, Jody and I had a long DMC. Not because we actually like each other, but more because there was a power cut and the wifi was off so we had to talk to each other (imagine the horror!!) I thought me fainting was the most traumatic experience, however when the rest returned I learned Jeanette had been through the wars also. After I had fainted, Jeanette had gone white as a sheet!! Luckily Ani the medic, well not medic as technically she's biomed, helped save the day.  I was very alarmed by Jeanette's episode and apologised not only for fainting but also for having convulsions. Focussing on more cheerful things, we decided today was the day to translate pen and paper to font and word TM. We were going to go viral with this diary. Ideally this was meant to happen at 6pm as research shows it’s the prime time to post for likes and I’m vein. However, technology deluded us and after creating about 4 separate blogs, we finally aired at 7:30. Simultaneously we had also discovered that in the space of a week we had already used around 65% of our wifi per a month. Therefore I was on tenderhooks all night to see how my blog had gone down with viewers. I was also concerned as I told the fam I fainted ( shout out to the Lane’s united fam what's app) but hadn't given any explanation. Going back to the good old days before technology we played cards. However, my frustration at Jody had meant I had thrown and lost a few cards. Sadly we only realized there was not 52 cards when we tried to complete Go Fish. Ani also made the realization that there was 52 playing cards in a pack! Finding my cards we resulted back to Irish snap, which Jess lost (again…) before returning to bed. 

Adios,

Biggest Girl

QOTD: Its more expensive to raise a child than buy a condom (Jody)

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DAY 9 - Sick Bay

Dear Joy,

Trying to work out a sufficient way to make this particular entry both sensitive and amusing at the same time. So apologies if I fail to succeed doing either. Anyhow, waking up in the girls room, disaster or illness struck over night! First Jeanette told us she hadn't slept all night (due to throwing up) and then her trusted companion Ani tried to get up and also remarked she felt ill. The situation with Julio wasn't much better. We were dropping like flies or more likely cockroaches (seeing their abundance). With half the team gravely ill, the 3 still standing vowed to make the treacherous, well not so treacherous journey, to get water as hydration is key! However, Alex in all his generosity offered to get some for us. The original plan today was to all go to school and although we had lost some key players we were determined to persevere. Firstly, we met the headmistress who was such a lovely genuine woman. Then we were thrown into integrated science class. To be honest not sure who learnt more Jess or the children, as Jess didn't even know what a vertebrate was despite doing AS biology. Jokes aside, the children were so much more well behaved than in English schools. They even clapped students in rhythm as opposed to the ever ending carnage and whooping expended at school. Just as we were getting to grips and even marking students work on which animals had/hadn't got backbones, Jess and I left whilst Jody was thrown in the deep end. Jess and I were taken to an English class elsewhere whilst Jody had to command her own. Ironically it was Jody who had to teach the class what a diary was when I obviously am the one who can write them so well!! Meanwhile our English class was on comparatives, stuff we both never remembered learning and just innately know. However, perhaps I needed a refresher as I thought longer was not a word i.e. Long went to more long. Seems like the time and money spent on my education, especially my English A level, was a bit of a waste. After class, we reconvened with Jody and made the journey back to the sick bay. As we didn’t want to spend an afternoon getting contaminated Jess, Jody and I escaped outside. When Jess and Jody left I attempted to write my diary. As now I’m an internet sensation I have to keep up with the supply  and demand. However, like whenever you try and do anything by yourself, the kids came flocking round. Before long I gave up and acted as the paparazzi taking photos of the children. Then Petronella said she had a gift for me and came back with a vocab list of English to Kaundi words including essential words such as hole. We then proceeded to draw and colour in new patterns (slightly better then Jeanette’s ‘adult colouring’). I was however very touched by the note she left me saying how she wished we could be best friends. Meanwhile, despite the fact I was taking one for the team and entertaining the children, I was told that the kids present thought I was unfriendly. Slightly hurt I retreated inside where I stumbled across Ani who remarked she was shriveled like a prune as Alex hadn't come back with the water. Because in my experience prunes aren't cracking company I decided to go to the river with Jody. I don’t think I will ever get sick (excuse the pun) of the view in the sunset. Finally Alex arrived to save the day and I don’t think Ive ever seen any two people more excited by water than Jeanette and Ani. Sufficiently watered we went to sleep quickly. The sickness was over, or was it…..

Adios,

Biggest Girl QOTD: n/a team too ill for humour

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DAY 8 -A DRY SPELL

Dear Joy, 

Have to say probably not the most successful sleep, not that we actually slept straight through but it was definitely an improvement. However, even though we were rested, this didn't translate into our work ethic when we got to the site. Even the tank (machine) Jods was struggling, especially when her job of wheelbarrower was taken over by more competent hands. Jess was giving herself a motivational pep talk. Whilst I was finding any excuse to have a water break, even though my water had been finished hours before. Only Julio ploughed on even though his back hurt living up to the stereotype of the macho man. Eventually, we all sat down on bricks and realistically never got up again (it was a dangerous move). Meanwhile, there was more success on Ani’s and Jeanette’s end, even though it would be safe to say their job was a lot easier than ours. After hovering by the car, Alex also gave up and drove us to the supermarket and then home. The dieters discovered trail mix and tried to convince ourselves it was the best thing we had ever tasted. In fairness it was actually quite nice. Coming home we all felt sufficiently dirty. However, alas there was no water so we thought of the next best thing- a tub of ice cold river water- YAY. Jody got an even better offer when Julio eventually got out of the shower (10 years later). The offer being his dirty bath water. As tempted as Jody was she politely declined the offer and we went to empty it. Unfortunately more of the dirty water ended up on my shoes than the actual drain. Dinner on the other hand was a lot more successful than our cleaning experience. The success was probably down to the fact that Jody and I weren't the ones cooking. Ani and Jeanette not only managed to successfully cook pasta but also gave us the choice of two flavours. They say a good workman never blames their tools but to be fair Jody and I didn't have a tin opener or a strainer so our options were pretty limited. Before too long Jody, Julio and I got into election talk when Jeanette chipped in that she had no idea about voting for MPs or constituencies. I mean I would say can’t blame her as she lives in Singapore but half her family live in York. Jeanette probably learnt more about politics in one hour than she has in her entire life. As we were settling for bed Jess came in saying the dreaded words…Julio was ill. And just like that travelers sickness had begun… Adios, Biggest Girl.

Quote of the Day: I just want solid bowl movements, is that too much to ask? (Ani’s famous last words).

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Day 7 – Wheatfield Memes for Rebellious Teens

Dear Joy, 

I mean we are not going to fool ourselves that we actually slept straight through the night but the blankets we brought at the market desperately helped matters. HEIGH HO HEIGH HO IT’S OFF TO WORK WE GO. The conclusions I drew from a day work was a) I didn’t think it was humanly possible to have so much dust engraved in my skin and my eyes b) Jods is ridiculously strong or as she likes to put it is ‘a machine’. Traumatized about how filthy we were, we retreated inside and hid from the kids  when we got back. I had a mini break-down as we concluded Jody had lost weight while I hadn’t. Yet it was the dieters who decided to cook dinner yet again because they were hungry (throwback to those days of stuffed crust large dominos with extra garlic and herb dip). However, we came across a few problems – let’s just say we thought the mayo was put in the fridge, turns out it was the freezer! Okay next plan, tomato pasta – no can opener. So plain pasta, but we couldn’t drain it so it was stodgy sticky pasta. Our sous-chef Jess wasn’t helping matters by laughing. In summary, we ended up with plain, stodgy splodge with some soggy vegetables – YUM. Not sure the team were overly impressed by our efforts, but they ate it regardless. Whilst Jess was out being loved on FaceTime by Chloe, we were all minding our own business trying to digest what we had just eaten. When… (dramatic music) a scream for Georgie arose from the darkness and I sprinted to Jess’ assistance. Just like that, without any warning, RAT SAGA 2 HAD BEGUN! Poor Jess was talking on the phone about the previous rat saga, when out of nowhere came a rat. After calming her down, we proceeded to play Irish Snap. Let’s just say Jody is super competitive, whilst Jeanette, Jess and Julio were just clueless. Teaching Julio how Aces and Jack/Queen/Kings work was honestly like watching paint dry, however at least there's progress with the latter (jokes!). Just as we thought the excitement had ended for the night, we made the momentous discovery of ‘Wheatfield Memes for Rebellious Teens’. Trying not to piss ourselves laughing, we went to bed, not before I nearly broke the ceiling trying to kill a spider.

Adios, 

Biggest Girl.

Ani’s smell: her clean underwear

Quote of the day: No jokers, so you get out G (Net) Oh no I just hugged you again (Jody)

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DAY 6- Sparks Fly

Dear Joy, 

12AM – Woke up f**king freezing 1AM – Woke up f**king freezing 2AM – Jody and I had a conversation about how f**king freezing we were 4AM – Jody: ‘What’s the time? I’m f**king freezing?’ 6AM – Put more layers on because I am f**cking freezing. 8AM – Alarm, what a joke – it’s not like we actually slept because we were f**king freezing. I would love to tell you the morning got better from there but unfortunately, I’m a disaster waiting to happen #classicGeorgie #justGeorgiethings. I was tumbling into the toilet for a long awaited pee when Alasm the light went dim. Shit too tall, but as my trusty role model Miranda told me ‘it’s all about the recovery’. Yet what Miranda failed to take into account is how retarded I am. Trying to fix the situation with my hand, the lightbulb smashed, burnt me and ended up in a heap on the floor by the toilet. Returning from the trauma, I broke the news to the team that they would have to spend the next two months peeing in the dark. They took it surprisingly well, except for a bit of slack from Jeanette. Moving on swiftly from my clumsy endeavors, we dressed in our best, or Julio in his Brazilian football shirt, to the government  buildings. A lot of military photos later with some pretty important peeps (i.e; His Worship the Mayor), we went to the immigration office to see whether we would be deported. On the upside, we have a way not to be deported but we have to pay $220 for the pleasure. After a quick visit to the site (sadly no fire), we went to the market to see Rita in her office. We got more than we bargained for when we went in for a handshake and ended up eating a caterpillar. In a word, it tasted crunchy, like a Ryvita. Not sure which one I was more disgusted with – the crunchy taste in my mouth or the aisle of dead fish I had to walk through. Luckily though, I had my knight in shining armor (Jeanette) was by my side down the aisle (shush don’t tell Jody). Jess then proceeded to almost get completely ripped off buying a K400 football. Luckily the rest of the team saw sense and prevented the purchase. My first aid training came into play when the football game turned ugly #thankgodforthetraining #itwasonlyaplaster. Then I did the most shocking thing of the holiday (well would I call it a holiday…). Brace yourselves, I SAID NO TO AN AVO! I must have been ill! Then we bought stupid amounts of rice before heading home. Hungry, Jody was praying (well not praying because it's Jodys we would be cooking for ourselves. Unfortunately for Jods but fortunately for us, Alex’s family cooked Sheema. Let’s just say Jody wasn’t a barrel of laughs during dinner and she was taking our diet to a new level by not eating anything. In fairness though, she dealt with her sleep deprivation well and didn’t lash out. The Sheema was tasty and with the help of Ani, I was slowly getting over my dead fish fear as I ate some. Jeanette meanwhile, made matters worse by poking the fish like a 6 year old girl. You would think the traumas would be over for the day but oh no. I went to brush my teeth and saw the silhouette of a swooping eagle and screamed. Turns out it was just Julio but I swear he was flapping his arms. Although luckily I wasn’t kidnapped by an eagle (though Jody said I would be too heavy anyway), unluckily I didn’t escape the slack of the team. Exhausted, I layered up hoping I might (and ‘for the sake of all of us’ – Jody) would at least get something that would slightly resemble sleep.

Adios, 

Biggest Girl.

[egpzambia2k17-blog]

DAY 5 – Moving day

Dear Joy, 

Shame Jody and I were in a coma and our room was a tip #classic. Anyhow, we all arrived to the compound bar Jody’s camelback water bottle #rip #sadtimes. After taking in the beautiful views we would be seeing for the next two months, we split up. Whilst the rest of the team went to find mattresses, Ani and I attempted to win the kids over with balloons. It worked, but let’s just say Ani was in her element (is she broody? Jokes!). Struggling to unlock our childhood (i.e.; it took us 5 minutes to realize how a sailor came to sea sea worked. The Gopro tbh was more popular than us (well definitely me!). When they returned, I picked the happy days mattress because I am a super positive person, also it was the bed next to my true love (the wall – jokes). Then our super great coordinators (shout out to Jess and Jods) decided to stay behind and do super important coordinator stuff or knowing Jess, Facetiming, whilst Jods is only doing a face pack. To our relief, the site already had foundations dug, so we didn’t have to spend days digging them. Ani and Jeanette also learned I was a pyromaniac when I saw the vegetation burn and was reminiscing about bonfires on the farm! (Oops maybe Jody isn’t the only psyco on the trip!). Returning home, Jody and I, the super good cooks (not) decided to cook when the rest of the team used their interpersonal skills to play with the kids. After serving some Ritz style splodge, we had some interesting conversations (see quote of the day) and we decided to actually get some sleep, instead of trying to surf on our mattresses (ahem Jeanette). 

Adios, 

Biggest Girl.

Quote of the day: ‘Why don’t they engineer cockroach outfits for people?’ (Jody) ‘I just want to touch it’ (Me when referring to fire)

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DAY 4 – BAGS, BUS, BOREDOM

Dear Joy, 

Alarm went off at 3am. I repeat 3am – wouldn’t even be back from da club by then! What a nightmare as we all had to reluctantly drag ourselves out of bed. Some struggled more than others and whilst Jess was awake, delighted after a rat-free night, Ani and I were prepared to do anything to stop the conversation and remained firmly in bed. Getting outside the hostel at 3am felt super safe (jokes- felt like we were hitching all over again). However, getting into some super dodgy  looking taxis was a great experience. Luckily however, they indeed took us to the bus station, not an abandoned warehouse in more or less one piece. Even though classic Georgie had managed to launch her foot through the soil into a deep hole whilst getting into the taxi. Now the only way to describe the luggage getting on the bus is an absolute bloody nightmare. You’ve heard the proverb that it’s easier to get a camel through the eye of the needle, than get a rich man into the kingdom of God.Well let’s say it’s easier to get a camel through the eye of the needle than try and embark on the impossible task of trying to fit the entirety of Zambia’s baggage into the tiny, yet full storage compartments of a Zambian bus. After a lot of shoving and bribing, we finally managed to get our bags on. Whether they would stay on was another problem entirely. Having mounted the bus we took our positions and didn't move for 11 hours. Even I had exhausted my gaming supply on my iPad (ft Candy Crush, Subway Surfer and Fruit Ninja where bloody Jody beat my high score on classic but then again who even plays classic – come on!) and I had sufficently teamed up when Gavin and Stacey got married; despite having seen the episode a thousand times and concluded I was bored, hungry, dehydrated, smelly and stupidly uncomfortable – no thanks to Jody’s bag taking up most of my legroom but I’m not bitter. Getting off the bus was a dream come true but I was so disorientated that when Alex, the man himself, our host, shook my hand, I presumed it was some random man and I looked at him wearily. Duly too late, I realized how rude I had been whilst the rest of the team greeted him with smiles – making me look bad! Taking us to a hostel which was a government building, we settled in after agreeing to share as we’re students. Then Alex came to take us to our first traditional Zambian meal at WIMPY’S. Our resident Scot was having a fit whilst I was just glad to hoover up chips and calaman. However, this process was was some what impaired by the fact that I could only eat on one side of my mouth. Regardless, we had very interesting chats – though, me in my tired state didn’t really contribute much. Arriving back at the hostel, Jody collapsed onto our beds, well I say collapsed but in reality, the bed was so hard. Jody managed to shower successfully getting all the dust off us (the cleansing wipe we used previously looked like we had both put on a full face of foundation). However, I tried to shower and had an absolute mare – let’s just say hot tap, lots of steam = sauna = PANIC. Stark naked, I finally managed to salvage the situation. This is why I looked like a full on tomato when I decided to facetime my mum. Hettie, although in the background, didn’t particularly contribute constructively to the conversation (i.e. Like a 6 year old, she lifted her top up and said I was boring, so went off to ‘play’ and tried to get mummy to ‘play with her’. In comparison, Jody’s conversation was short and sweet as Mo was cruising having birthday cocktails (#livingthelife). After a long convo which ranged from legit stresses regarding visas (update: we were all going to be deported) and the terrorist attack in London to random thoughts on drunken adventures in clubs, we finally slept.

Adios, 

Biggest Girl.

[egpzambia2k17-blog]

DAY 3 – DRAT RATS!

…DRAT or should I say RAT. 1am as if in a dream Ani and Jess appeared before me. Half asleep, I hugged a troubled Jess as she told the dramatic, yet traumatic experience of hearing rats and fearing they would land on top of her (i.e: falling through the ceiling). Although this is clearly impossible, I thought it wouldn’t do her very good dismissing her woes. As I’m a dreadfully nice person or just wanted to get into any bed, I volunteered to swap which although was noble, was also stupid because the rats were so bloody loud. After exchanging many conversations about the loudness of the vermin, I finally managed to get a wink of sleep until a 6am alarm went off. As it was physically impossible to get out of bed and I was lazy - Jess, Julio and Jeanette went to the bus station after we had exchanged many of laughs regarding last nights dramatic or should we say dratmatic experiences. Falling back asleep, I was awoken when they returned having been harassed in the bus station. Feeling rather smug that I hadn’t had to deal with that trauma, we got up and walked to town for lunch. As today was the first day of Jody’s and I’s new life, or diet, we ate a super filling lunch of grapes and water. Meanwhile, the rest of the team were actually eating food but I wasn’t jealous or hungry (I lie!). Anyhow ready to hit the pool, we actually spent hours in phone shops. Classic Jody and I weren’t particularly concerned about contacting our parents super regularly. Finally, when we arrived back, Jody and I were the first in the pool secretly hoping we would look so much better next time we were in a swimming costume (i.e. After the diet). After we decided to start, the chore of packing which took an impressively long time as we had created so much mess, seeing we had only been there for a day. Back in bed, we were ready for an early night yet everyone was all over the shot. Finally, we all slept deeply, jokes Ani and I did but Jody, Jeanette and Jess were sadly victim to Julio’s snores which could have been heard in the DRC (jokes!) and Jess was in hysterics too (I feel their pain I had a similar experience in Amsterdam) who would have known that snoring could be so funny. Jess obviously did! 

Adios, 

Biggest Girl.

Ani’s favourite smell: Hostel’s citrus bug spray. 

Quote of the day: I was born to TK Max (Ani) Or Good Morning Net (Me) Or A shoulder not to cry on but a shoulder to rely on (Jods).