ecstaseagayle - Tumblr blog

[ecstaseagayle]

Because once it filled up all the space, it could no longer accomodate anything else.

[ecstaseagayle]

The most painful separation in the world isn't when we both love each other yet miss the chance to be together. It's the pain of you not physically being by my side, yet still residing in my heart.

[ecstaseagayle]

In this lifetime, I have only ever loved you.

[ecstaseagayle]

i still like you.

(i truly believe that words don't make sense when we fall in love.)

there are only two emotions that would rise up after muttering these words - gratitude or regret. when you are lucky enough, excitement and relief would immediately rush to you as you hear the other person reply with the same phrase. but when the odds are not in your favor, heartbreak and guilt would be the first things that you would want to get rid off as you listen to the person you love say otherwise.

however, sometimes love has the power to defy logic and reason.

when we exchanged this sentence to each other, i was suppose to feel in love again. funny how the world works as i felt the other way around.

behind this sentence was both an explanation and an apology. it held the reason why after all these years of mixed signals and denials, it was finally the end for us. we had finally understood what it meant to move on - i had the courage to accept that you were no longer mine as you had to understand the fact that you had to let go of me.

so let me change this.

i still like you (but I no longer want to be with you).

-let's end it here.

[ecstaseagayle]

"How could you tell me to only remember the happy memories, but forget you? That doesn't quite make any sense. Because, every moment I spent with you was a happy one even if each and every moment with you was also sad and difficult."

[ecstaseagayle]

Script

"did you get your happy ending?"

"my heart broke.

everyday.

from missing you."

"so

why

did

you do it?"

"because

I was foolish."

"it would have been nice

if you realized it

sooner."

"..."

-yeah. it would have been.

[ecstaseagayle]

"Love does not need to be yours for it to be true"

[ecstaseagayle]

-something my friend and I wrote together

“you bought me daisies on a Valentine I was half expecting for your return how you’d take back all your empty promises yet you bought me daisies on a Valentine you dug the ground under my feet the way you dug your way to my heart - deep how can I escape this pit you called love, when you bought me daisies on a Valentine? you started to bury our memories, then you buried my love six feet deep, too bad I can’t receive the daises you bought me because you buried me on a Valentine”

— Jk.i & Jg.l You bought me daisies on a Valentine

[ecstaseagayle]

The f-ing number.

it's funny how we would always restart at fourteen and end again at fifteen. just like our age now. honestly, I'm hating the number one because that will always be our difference; i will never be your number one.

- one of the worst poems I wrote when I was 13

[ecstaseagayle]

In Admiration

We were, at that time, fighting, quarreling, skirmishing, arguing, every word synonymous to that,

We were talking about how everything was, about how we evolved into this, from my selfishness

About how we got here, about how we were arguing, about how we were talking about that one Thought that she thought about, that one thought I never did. How did she ever thought of it? How did? Here, I’m,

In front of my laptop, my acer, how lucky I was that my father did give it. Here, I am tainting

My fingers, not with ink, but with keys, keypresses, the dust on my keyboard. For her, the sand shall be swept,

For her, I will write this poem, a poem of a hundred lines, and with a quarter of it as syllables

The poem she requested, I shall bestow, for no matter the sun rises and sets, she is my queen, yes

For her this poem is written, for my queen, for her, just for her. Solely hers is this poem to be written

Heed closely, for there is love, there is death, there is confusion. There is everything Everything she asked

How did this poem, of a hundred lines and a quarter of it as syllables came about? How did it?

You see, I the author, stupid, wretched, foolish, I became a monster. I was very, a trouble

“It can’t be that bad” You see, I had done what even death could be acceptable over that hell deed

It was always hell day for her, for I created her hell, and how strong she is to make it heaven

She is a complete hurricane, for she drove me insane whenever I see her, her beauty, herself

With her, I have never felt the urge to die more than when I was with her, for I was dead over her

Yes, she was-and is-my everything, my ecstasy, me insanity, my drug, the beads on my wrist,

But how could I have messed up? Well, I promised her I’d never hurt her, I lied, I was such a huge fool

She wrote it down, I pulled her heart out, and ended up losing it. I killed her, thinking we were happy

I was a snake, venomous, a traitor, an epitome of lies, the epitome of lying

Even if I did everything to revive her, I could not erase it from me. She was at death, but

breathing, confused but aware. She was living , while dying, through the lies I fed her, those daggers of pain

I grabbed her by the neck and choked her thoughts of peace, for her, I destroyed her world by being the liar

I left her alone to die, for I had done something grave, and with the hurt, she thought, “suicide is good”

With it, they all started to unfold. The shattering of her from his heartbeats, from the lies out of his

Mouth, filled with filth, filthier than dung, filthier than criminals, filthier than genocide and all

Quiet whispers hold the loudest pain, and her cries destroyed every cell in my body, for I had tried

to do better, be contented and accept, but the damage is clear, and I, my entirety of

stupid destroyed my treasure. It seemed, to her that I would leave her as a pile of nothing, it ached her

She thought that I can walk away, and with it, to her kitchen, she got and held the knife close to her chest

She was ready to leave, for the rejection and judgement is a fragment of her memory, it hurt

That never ending misery, that burning passion to just explode like a grenade inside a body

That addiction to suicide just came out of nowhere, from the deserts of pain, hurt and misery

It fogs the mind, drove her mad, she was hurt, for for all the people that could’ve did, it was her lover

Fortunately, she dropped the knife, she contemplated, “I am strong, and I can walk away” and she stayed

She wanted to erase it from her, from her memory, her clouds, her thoughts, her hard drives, her pictures, movies

She wanted nothing to ever bother her again, she wanted nothing of me, she wanted nothing

“I will be with someone else” she could not say it, however, for she loved me, anchored me to her ship

“I can’t seem to let you go”, she thought, furious for she still loved me no matter what, for her love did stay

She was astounded, but enraged. Engulfed with fury, but mesmerized, for her thoughts of love came forth

Even if I was killing her from the inside out, she stayed strong, her words and her blood was of her strength

Through all the pain and the loneliness, she was still on her feet, fighting, getting back up from the ashes

However, what I couldn’t see, was that my tongues had turned her thoughts into this monster of lamenting

And then again, those thoughts came about, and for the seconds, minutes, it seemed like death was calling her forth

He wanted to engulf her, into his eternal embrace, his eternal sleep, and he was waiting for

Her to join in his world of eternal slumber, for her to forget, to dislodge herself from myself

She started to cry, she started to weep, and as she looked to her right, she found a blade, a sharp rusty cutter

She picked it up, examined it, grabbed it up from her wooden floor and held it near her delicate wrist

Again, she thought, “the damage is clear, I should leave”, and started to place the rusty blade upon her palms

But then, as she was about to slit the skin from her, she had thought about someone, “I should say farewell”

She reached her phone, clicked that blue square with an “f” on it, and searched through the screen for the button with a logo

But when she clicked on the name, and saw the picture, she dropped the blade and started to weep, for it was him

It was the guy, the guy who lied to her, the guy who broke her, who stabbed and shot her, the fool, himself

She just could not bear it, the thought of the romance planted on her heart with his image glued to itself

“I never knew I could love someone who has done nothing but hurt me” she said, furious about her thoughts

She can’t stop crying, for the demon on her left said “kill him along with you”, he wanted her to die

However, the angel, with the halo on her right, replied “no, revive yourself along with him, live”

She gave them both an ear to listen, however, with much fortune, she listened to the angel so kind

She gave it, *blink* and slowly, the thoughts of hope and love consumed her emotions and her determination

She’s addicted to a broken, or should I say breaking, person, but she did the last the she would do

She gave him a chance

Thinking, I am, “I can never fix her”, for I had just lost her, killed each good memory from her mind

I had just ran her over, bloodied her with the speeds of my endless train of cruelty, that murdered her

Her lungs, were so fine, until I, the deadly secondhand smoke, invaded her, it was like every

Deadly inhale of intoxicating cigarette, I was the reason why she was breaking, dying

With the sadness, destruction dealt, I had concluded; “everything turns out to be almost like nothing

However, as I was demeaning, degrading my entirety, a message popped on my phone, *beep*”

“Fine, I’m gonna give you a chance” I had read, I was confused, blended with emotions, for I had read

A profounding message from the girl I broke, wanting to fix what I had destroyed, with me, together

It felt like the utopia I can never have in this reality, the only difference,

It was just real, and it was perfect

So here I am still in admiration, of how strong she is, and how she could bear what seemed like never-

Ending misery. Despite what was an addiction to suicide, she still manages to be well,

She had slit the strings of despair, the strings that puppeted her, and started to write her own happiness

All her secrets, her secret strength, her secret faith, could not be consumed. And the demons ponder upon;

“Why can’t it be official? Her loss, her death?” her tears fool you, her frown disguises her strength within

Even though it seemed that our love left like a wrecked ship, it still sailed the harsh sea and returned, stronger

As if our bond was now lovely, herculean, unbreakable, great, rather than broken and empty

I will be happy without her, happy to die. If she is to leave , I would be a tribute to death

If she was a blind heroine, I am of luck, for she saw me despite my flaws and rescued me

Yes, she is a suicidal dove, for she killed herself by loving me again, but she made life seen

to the both of us

And here I am, the author, proud of my babe, my fierce, fighting Jaguar, who never gave up on her love

Here to explain, what my fingers have typed through the night with the acer, with the keys and those keypresses

My dear, you have asked to never bother you again, to erase myself from you, to be with someone,

Someone better than a girl with suicidal hands, desperate to take away everything from life

You said that I will be happy without you, without your foolish heart. To be a grain of sand, dispersed

Honey, of all the things you would ask me to do, all these saddening, deathly matters, I cannot do

For this poem, is about how you, the girl I had damaged, hurt, destroyed, and stabbed without your knowledge

Became the girl that had stood firm, be the rose among her thorns, and welcomed me into her arms despite

The blood that I have shed and the daggers that I have said, you have remained faithful and proud towards me

And my dear, I cannot simply think of anything, besides adore on how you have remained for us two

I cannot be of negative thoughts, seeing and feeling the warmth of your love, tasting your sweet, sweet care

And doubting your own value, do not, for you are of value to me, having written this poem of a

Hundred lines, and a quarter of it as syllables. Love, I am not perfect, and I have died reaching

The end of my time that I couldn’t have finished this story for my queen, in her desired hour

But please know that this poem is for you, my princess, the woman of my life, the faithful damsel of mine

The poem that I thank you in, for latching on to me, despite all the storms that have arrived to destroy

You are my prime, my first, you are the sole soul who can put a smile on my face when it rains heavily

The woman, whom I’ve been ungrateful towards, and whom I have been blessed enough for being the woman

Who has been thankful for me, and with me, ever since we have met, and until now, when we are reading

And writing our own stories, poems, epics, adventures. To my dear, in admiration, I love you

And if at one point, you have told me “God bless you”

I would thank God everyday

For blessing me with you

- a poem i told you to write for us not to fight (January 7, 2016)

[ecstaseagayle]

A Heartbreak Letter to No One

Dear You,

There are so many reasons to hate you but quite frankly, I don't. In fact, I would like to say thank you for the things you did.

First, I would like to say thank you for being my first love - my whirlwind romance. We had our own precious memories but I know it will stay as is - a memory in the past.

Next, I wanted to say thanks for making me feel the love that I know I could never experience again - a love that was so young, so fierce, and so carefree. But, you have to know that the love I need is a love that is steadfast and peaceful. It may not be as intense as ours but I know I will fight for it so as not to lose it.

Know that I will always love you but not with the same intensity as before. You will always have a place in my heart and it will always be yours no matter who or whatever comes.

Third, I would like to give my gratitude for making me realize that love is not the only important thing to keep a relationship alive. We also need balance between what is more beneficial for the both of us - may it be to fight for one another or to let one of us go.

I'm glad you chose the latter.

I'm glad you did not take me back even when I begged you to. I'm glad you chose to push me away as to not give me false hope. Most importantly, I'm glad you opened my eyes to the truth that my emotions were clouding my judgement on the idea of us.

I know if we were younger, you would have fought for us no matter what the consequences may be, even if it meant  breaking a part of you and hurting a piece of me in the process.

But we're no longer the couple we once were. We were now grown ups that knew better, and that wanted better. We know that we have to let each other go since we can no longer give the happiness that we both deserve. But please know that setting you free is another way of telling you how much I love and respect you even after ending our relationship.

I will never regret the time we spent together and I would not want it in any other way. But, 'us' ends now and we only have one path in front of us and that is to move forward. You were once my universe, and I know I had the same impact, too. But we are two different people now.

I know this closure is something that we know we both need to close a chapter in our lives. Thank you for opening a new chapter for me even if it meant not being with you. I hope this is enough for us to start and rebuild our lives individually.

You have my utmost admiration and I hope you will find the peace that you deserve. And when that comes, I hope I'll be there for you, as a friend and as a person you once shared a life with.

Continue to bring color to other people's lives just like you did to mine.

Always,

J

[ecstaseagayle]

Realm

I'm constantly drowning in the sea of depression, where sadness and regret linger from down below. I wonder if anyone can even see that I'm not breathing. Defend me from the toxic air that's helping it have the satisfaction of seeing me dead. Save me from the drowning depths of anxiety that's as deep as the core. Help me cling to the small hope that's being consumed by the darkness from the blue hue. Send me an anchor or a diver, just to grab my soul and take it with them when they rise above the surface. Steal me some oxygen that can make me sane when I try to endure the pain that people have inflicted when their guarding themselves too much. Free me from the touch of longing and despair before I am filled with the sea of suicidal thoughts. I'm not panicking. I wouldn't really care if the water fills my lungs. The torrential downpour of the waterworks that stained my purity, crashed the captain of my soul. It's too late now. It's now as normal as the way tears are damped in tissue or my pillow, making it a waterbed itself. If only I can stop and let the darkness envelope, I would be hiding myself from the raging seas that's pulling me down to a place I never wanted to be - with you. - November 28, 2015

[ecstaseagayle]

The Morning After

the best things about mornings

were waking up beside you

and seeing you snuggle on

my neck like a child.

I woke up at one in the afternoon.

you weren't part

of my morning today

then the day after

until I realized

for the rest of my mornings.

I stopped being the morning

person the same day

you never came back.

you broke my body clock

and broke all the other

parts of me

I couldn't recognize.

I tried to become an

afternoon person

but you weren't

in my afternoons either.

so I told myself

I would be a night person.

because at night,

I could sleep through

the pain, and be with you

in my dreams.

too bad I had to wake up,

and see you gone

the morning after.

- September 13, 2018

[ecstaseagayle]

My tumblr will always be an unfinished work. I'm sorry

[ecstaseagayle]

I thought the darkness wasnt gonna come back.

Im not okay.

[ecstaseagayle]

An explanation for tumblr

So, I realized that I had stop writing for a few months now (maybe, I year. I literally stopped monitoring). Yeah I post, but it was written when I was 13-14. I guess it wasn't because I had a writer's block or whatnot. It's just that I no longer had a reason to continue something that was meant to end, anyway.

Nope, I'm not depressed or whatever you may think of, if you were wondering. To be honest, this blog was written for a special someone in my life (as you can observe). I started this for him, and I will end my blog with the same reason.

He was the first man I had ever loved and cherished. I know it's heartbreaking to lose someone who you thought was going to be your "first and last". But hey, things happen for a reason and I believe we're just two people who were meant to pass by.

Besides, I'm genuinely happy for him, really. I'm happy that he has found the girl that would love him better than I did. And right now, I'm happy that I'm over him. I already found someone that makes my heart flutter and my smile wider. At this point of my life, I could say we're better off without each other, and I couldn't be less happier.

So, yes. I told myself I'm going to finish all my pending works before my birthday, and I promised myself that I would do my best to write it as it has always been meant to be. After all of those, I'm going to stop writing (or maybe create a new blog that's happier and related to myself).

This is it. Prepare for the finale.

J.

[ecstaseagayle]

why do we accept the love we think we deserve?

I know this question was asked a few years ago but it took me years to finally answer it. Most people accept the love even if it's not what they deserve because it's innate in our nature to be in love with the idea of love and happiness. With this, we would actually accept every love that is given to us, but that does not necessarily mean we would also give it back. It's sad how we crave the love of others just because we're stuck with the idea that we would feel complete if someone would shower their love and affection towards us. Even if we know that that love is not what we deserve, we just accept it. It's great to be in love, but we should identify the love we deserve, especially from ourselves.