ecryen-blue

[ecryen-blue]

Day 13

I'm almost at the end of my first week of classes. I've only introduced myself as Blue in all of them. A part of me wishes I had all new teachers, so I didn't feel like it was so different, but all of my professors(that I've told) have been really chill about it. Perks of being an Arts major, I suppose.

There is one who I haven't told yet, mainly because he's taught this specific class of people 4 times now, so (as far as he knows) he knows all of our names. No point in introducing yourself to people you already know, right?

I know I have to let that class know, too, at some point. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them have already heard, since we're such a small campus. A few people I haven't directly told and who aren't in any of my classes already know. It's sort of nice not having to tell everyone, I think

I say "I think" because I wasn't prepared for this to be sort of exhausting. There's this weird sense of unease about it all. I've described it to my best friend as sort of a middle ground. ████████ is obviously uncomfortable, and I can't go back to it. It's not my name anymore. But, at the same time, I'm not fully used to Blue yet. It's not quiet my name. It's getting there, but I can tell it'll take a while.

There's still a part of my brain that says I've made a mistake. I've mostly beaten it with facts and logic, but it still worms its way into my thoughts occasionally. You're lying to them all, you're making this up. You don't really want this to be you. Just go back, hit undo and go back to ████████. It'll be easier. You've been used to it for 21 years, why force something that's uncomfortable on the off chance it might get better instead of just sticking with the tried and true? But, like, if any of that were true, I would be longing to go back. I would be certain it doesn't feel right, and there are too many moments of joy sprinkled throughout for me to believe it was all a mistake.

Like, for example, I feel so much cooler all of the time. My name doesn't stick out, it sort of melds into my personality. It no longer feels like a bright blue on a deep maroon. I feel confident when introducing myself, even if it still feels a little weird.

It's sort of like my car's rear passenger side door . From far away, at a glance, it is clearly a different shade of blue. However, once you et closer, you cannot tell that it's different at all.

And for the record, no, I didn't name myself after my car. I chose Blue because blue jays are my favorite bird. Did you know they're corvids? I didn't. That just makes them more cool though, imo.

It has had a few strange side effects that I really wasn't anticipating. For example, it does finally feel weird using the women's bathroom. As (I think) I mentioned earlier, changing my name from ████████ was really shedding the last bit of femininity that was clinging to me. I don't think I'll every really feel comfortable using the men's restroom, but I suppose I could start using gender neutral restrooms and see how that feels.

I also find that I have some sort of more dysphoria than I did before. My tired brain couldn't really place it, but my skin feels like it's crawling now. As I've found across this whole gender journey (has it really been 6 years??), I tend not to notice dysphoria(or dysmorphia, whichever it is I can't diagnose myself lmao) until something changes and then I can't go back. So, where the little worm trying to tell me I'm wrong uses this as ammo, if I sit back and think about it logically, this lines up with every other change I made.

It took me a while to get used to using they/them, as well, and I didn't realize how much I relied on my binder until I had one. Now I can't go out of the house without one unless I am A) having a particularly bad day or B) have the baggiest sweatshirt known to man. Usually it's a combo of the two, but I've been known to be lazy and not feel like throwing on a binder to pick up bread from the grocery store.

As a closing thought: To any enbies/trans folk who find this and are worried about changing your name, stick with it. It will feel weird at first, but I hope I'm showcasing how quickly that changes and how good it feels once you get used to it. I still have a long way to go, but it gets easier every day. That's why I'm doing this. I know that my experience will be different from your experience, but I hope having my process out here will make someone out there feel less alone.

You're so valid, and no matter what you do you are still you and you deserve to feel good as you. <3

[ecryen-blue]

Days 4-6

Do you know the song "First Time He Kissed a Boy" by Kadie Eller? I do. I found it via its music video way back in middle school, and I remember spending hours watching and re-watching it. I could never really put my finger on why.

For a while, I thought it was because I was one of those disgusting people who fetishize queer people, specifically gay men. Never mind the fact that I was very Ace and very In Middle School With No Real Idea of what Fetishes Were at the time. I hated myself for it.

In hindsight, I'm pretty sure that was my first experience with gender envy/relationship envy because up until that point, I hadn't really seen anything like it. Sure, i was a tumblr kid, I'd seen my fair share of MLM ships, but this...this was different. They were real (well, real enough) people. And one of them looked like how I want to look like - although I didn't know that at the time.

I bring this up because it's been on my mind lately. Unfortunately, I chose kind of an awkward time to try out a new name because I'm spending the last week of my break with my Dad and Grandparents, who I don't feel ready to tell yet. Not that they won't support me - I know for a fact they will, even my grandmother once sat me down and asked if my Asexual flag meant i used different pronouns - I'm just, not ready yet. My friends are the only people who know, and I'm not seeing them again until after the semester starts and I've had one class.

This sucks because I really, really don't want to have to introduce myself as ████████ anymore. It's starting to feel cold, especially when I slip up and use it for myself.

It's getting to the point where my fear of this all being a mistake is almost not even bothering me anymore. I want people to know, I want people to see me this way, i want to be Blue to everyone.

To be honest, I didn't really expect this to cause my gender questioning to resurface. I thought I'd made peace with it. The thing is, I don't think my labels changed either. I'm still agender, and I'm extremely happy to be so. But, as I think about it, especially lately, I don't want people to see me as feminine at all. I want people to mistake me for a man. If I had a partner and we were walking down the street, holding hands, I would want people to think we're a MLM couple. I don't want to be seen as a man, but as masculine.

Accepting that I really want to go by Blue has really magnifies that issue. The dysmorphia is back, i have issues with my voice - suffice it to say, i wasn't expecting this type of consequence to my decision.

But it all feeds back into a desperate want to not be ████████anymore. I want to tell everyone, to change my name on every account, to email my professors; Blue, Blue, Blue, my name is Blue, I use they/them pronouns, I'm agender.

I'm Blue.

God, i want people to call me Blue. To recognize me as Blue. To see me as more than ████████, because that's not me, not anymore. With the shedding of that name, i release the hold femininity had on me, I accept my desire to present masculine. I'm not making this up. Am I really doing it for attention?

I can't be, it's been too long. In fact, I almost fear the attention I'd get for it. I wish I didn't even have to deal with this, that i could snap my fingers and everyone just knows I'm Blue like it's always been that way.

Is it "doing it for attention" when I'm writing this alone, in a pitch-black room in my grandparents' house, at midnight, while everyone else I know is asleep? My dreams of being seen as masculine don't affect anyone but me. No one knows about this but me.

It has been 4 years, and i think that's long enough to prove I'm not faking this. I would've turned tail long ago if I'd been faking it. I'm not exactly the best at following through on projects or things i say I'm going to do.

I'm Blue. Im Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue, I. Am. Blue. That's feels so nice to say, to finally let myself relish. I didn't think it'd be that quick. It's still not quite fully connected, and It'll probably get weird again once the semester starts, but until then, i can live in my own little world.

Blue's little world.

[ecryen-blue]

Day Three

I'm beginning to see the phone calls as training. It still feels a tad weird to use Blue like that - but it's new. Obviously, it feels weird. It's a new way of seeing myself. It's unlearning something you've been relatively okay with for years and years.

The weird part is the part that's telling me to run and go back whenever my friends mentioned being okay with me going by Blue. Why does that make me so uncomfortable? I don't want it to. Is it because i feel like I'm inconveniencing them? Because i think Im lying to them?

Because I'm afraid I'll have to tell them otherwise and change it back one day?

I really need to get over that. Being wrong, especially about this, is okay. It's your sense of self, your being, to an extent. You learn who that is as you go, and eventually, you find yourself where you need to be.

I really do think that this is part of it, for me at least. Blue still feels right. It fits me better than █████ does. ████████ is explicitly feminine, with a feminine meaning. Blue is gender neutral.

Blue is change, and change will always feel a bit uncomfortable. But change is the only way to move forward.

As an aside, neither of my coworkers noticed my nametag yesterday. I suppose it was a bit silly of me to assume they would. One especially didn't notice because I hid it from them since I wasn't ready for them specifically to know. They have that sort of cooperate-dick-sucking attitude. I don't want them to find out about it yet because then it'll likely get to the higher-ups, one of which I explicitly don't trust at all.

The other one, the one I work with on a daily basis, I feel I should tell because they're closer to my level. Unfortunately, I 100% can't get a read on them. I can't tell if they'll respect it or hate me for it. I want to assume that they'll be kind about it, but I also want to assume that of everyone. Kindness and respect are easy, I think, so it genuinely catches me off guard when people don't do that by default.

Throughout all of this, I can't help but think of a classmate I once heard of. As far as I'm aware, they were cis, yet they changed their name because it didn't fit them anymore. It was a tad more nuanced than that, but the details weren't my business, so I didn't ask. Isn't that all I'm doing? The name I was given doesn't fit me anymore.

Sort of like a new pair of shoes, haha. Your old ones are comfortable and reliable. Sure. The new shoes, they're tight, they don't fit perfectly, and they're uncomfortable to wear. However, if you keep wearing your old shoes to avoid discomfort, you'll inevitably end up hurting your feet. It's better in the long run to deal with discomfort because, in the end, the shoes adjust. They loosen, they mold to your feet. They become your shoes, and they're even more comfortable than the old ones. On top of that, they look awesome and make you feel fabulous.

I suppose the only downside is how long it takes to break them in.

[ecryen-blue]

Day Two of going by a New Name

(Existentialism Warning, I think)

10:24 am

I told my friends about it. They, of course, were extremely kind and accepting about it. They offered me opinions on which of the names I'd been considering they thought fit me better. One said they had a hard time breaking habits but meant no harm. One of them missed the whole conversation and is going to be very confused when they check back in.

Honestly, if any of them slipped up, I wouldn't be the slightest but upset at them. I know they won't use my old name maliciously.

My best friend actually texted me showing me that they had changed my contact name in their phone. It was a weird experience. I was unnerved that the first emotion I felt was fear.

I think a part of that was that previously mentioned fear of being wrong. My friends are the sweetest, and if I do end up going back, I know they won't judge me. A small part of my Brain doesn't believe that.

What it does believe, however, is that I'm lying to them and myself, that I'm making all this up for attention. That all I want is to force myself into a community where I don't belong.

I don't think that's true, though. I do belong here, name change or no.

Plus, someone comfortable with their old name wouldn't dread putting that nametag back on for work. Someone comfortable with their old name wouldn't be willing to lose the respect of their coworkers and customers because they refuse to go back.

Someone comfortable with their old name wouldn't be desperate to get this figured out before the next semester starts because they don't want to have to introduce themselves as their old name to their new set of classmates.

Something that I've found helpful to remind myself, as silly as this sounds, (EXSISTENTIALISM WARNING), is the fact that I have no re-dos. I'll catch myself thinking, "Oh, I can just wait until next time, then I'll be more masculine, and then I'll be happy." But there is no next time - not one any of us are sure of, anyway. This is all I get.

Do I want to be buried under a gravestone that has my old name on it? Do I want people remembering me by that name?

Do I want that tether of femininity connected to me for the rest of my life and for as long as my memory lives on?

I don't think I do. So I'll deal with the discomfort now. I'll see if it's just a discomfort with change, or with my name, or my old one - I'll figure it out. In the end, the journey will have been worth it either way, because I'll be happier. I'll be me, more so than ever before.

11:35 am

I had to use my name for the first time on the phone with a customer. It kinda felt like I was getting away with something, mostly because it was the first time and my brain obviously hasn't made that jump yet.

But, at the same time, it was strangely reassuring. This person never knew me as ████████, only as Blue. If my customer service voice wasn't so high-pitched, they might've not even been able to discern my gender.

I did nearly choke on Blue. It was like I was forcing it. I suppose that's just what comes from breaking habit.

I sometimes forget already that my name tag says Blue instead of ████████. Like, people think that's my name. Cause it IS my name, hopefully. It's surreal. They might get confused because ████████ is still in the computer, so ████████ is still the name on the top of the recipt under "Cashier". This is going to seriously take alot of getting used to.

My coworkers gets here in a few hours. I'm a bit scared.

[ecryen-blue]

Day One of going by a New Name

I really wish that there was a play-by-play of the messy experience that changing your name can be. It's a terrifying prospect, even in the best circumstances.

Especially when you're petrified of change.

...and, more so, of being wrong.

Having to admit your mistake others, adding to that hurtful stereotype of Trans and Enby folk being confused or entitled, going back to the name you thought you hated - it's a monster that creeps it's way into everything. It holds on tight and keeps you in what you thought was a warm embrace while Constricting and suffocating you in what it calls "comfort in consistancy".

But I think I'm done listening to its lies.

So I grabbed a new name tag at work and wrote my chosen name on it. It was scary, and I kind of just stared at it for a while.

Then I actually put it on, and something shifted. It was very slight. There's was a strange, light, miniscule warmth that wasn't there before. When I looked at myself in the dark relection of our windows, I saw someone similar, but different staring back at me - and nothing looked out of place.

Well, I mean, yeah, there were some things that still didn't fit.

But the name tag did.