ebayclowns

[ebayclowns]

I sit down in the darkened tent, overpriced cider in a plastic cup balanced tremulously in one hand. Behind me, the projector. Stuttering, glitching, past it’s prime. Before me, the screen. Dull canvas, with a few minor stains and pockmarks from years of wear and tear. The image fades into view. A big-headed cartoon blonde with those enormous, almost obscene kitschy Disney eyes. They’re probably blue. But the image is in monochrome. In the style of an old film noir pre-show trailer, white text flashes across the picture -

“A wanted woman turned wannabe-starlet…”

The shot wipes away to reveal another cartoon figure, a distorted mirror of the first. He looks almost like he could be a caricature of someone. Some cheeky or perhaps cruel private joke between the cartoonist and his crew. He has patches of unruly pale hair jutting out of a shaved head, turning up his collar, eyes darting, furtive. Perhaps a gangster. Perhaps the villain, or the ‘unlikely’ love interest, if it’s one of those kinds of cartoons. Pulling a surgical mask over his mouth-

“A haunted-housebound plastic surgeon…”

The trio is completed by a hulking figure smothered in fur and cigar smoke. She puffs it out in clouds through the filter of her penguin-like nose. If the second figure wasn’t a gangster, she certainly is. That or a bitter widow, a mean headmistress. Is this the villain after all? A stuffy Trunchbull type trying to keep the two lovers apart? Still no colour.

“And the big mama of the Lucky Rabbit Mafia…”

“They sing! They dance! They kill! In…”

The title unrolls.

“1935 A gruesome tale of love gone astray…”

I look around at the audience. A select few scattered asses filling the seats. No one displays any visible reaction.

“[This motion picture not approved by the Hayes Code]”

The next cartoon starts.

Like most things related to 1935, no one exactly knows who has this teaser trailer now, or if it’s gone for good. It was likely meant to be shown to potential investors rather than the general public. How I ended up seeing it, I’m still not exactly sure. It was stuck in along with a general showcase of new adult animation in Europe. Perhaps the curator knew somebody who worked on the production. Some of the projects previewed in that showcase went on to great things, many more flopped, a few were forgotten entirely. 1935 was the only one that was never got beyond the trailer. To this date, those 30 or so seconds represent the majority of completed animation made for the film. A handful of other shots are known to have been started, if not finished. These too remain, like the trailer itself, lost...

[ebayclowns]

i think several of the clowns got flagged as adult content ;m; tumble hates to see a clownboss wining

fml

[ebayclowns]

Fata Morgana (Vicente Aranda, 1965)

[ebayclowns]

once a fearsome Bastard indeed, this clown fell prey to the wrath of the former Emperor, who was not as confined to the psychic perimeters of the palace as their successor and liked nothing more than to while away the afternoon with a good old fashioned Bastard Hunt . the first to ever stage a breakout from the Hall of the Accursed, this nameless figure (they usually introduce themselves simply as The Worst, which, possibly, is their actual given name) betrayed and ditched all their Accursed co-conspirators just as they were making their escape. they were, for a brief time, pursued doggedly by the former Emperor’s agents until everyone lost interest in the whole affair. this lack of media coverage is simply perfect for The Worst’s purposes, as they are now secretly building an army to take revenge on the clown-crown. unfortunately, all their soldiers are also paper cut-outs with generally useless personalities.[2]

(Text copied from Clownsverse Wiki archive)

[ebayclowns]

I think "The Worst" also got deleted

Oh thank you for letting us know! We shall restore him post haste

[ebayclowns]

hey clownfans.....its been a while, huh?

you might remember that last time i posted here, approximately two hundred years ago, i was in the middle of working on a serialised story event that tied together all the ebayclowns lore since the beginning of the blog. unfortunately before i could finish and post it, life got in the way as it so often does. anyway, it kind of fell to the wayside since then, but ive slowly gotten my groove back and moved onto various other projects 

i still really like the writing me and polymerdespair (one of the other ebayclowns mods) did for the event, so ive compiled all the completed segments as well as our story notes/drafts of the unfinished parts into this word doc, if anyone is still around who would like to read it. over the years its been so nice to see peoples reactions to this blog and to our weird little world we created. 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7zgu55f202hew8f/ebayclowns%20lost%20episode.docx?dl=0

if youre reading this, i hope you have a great day or night.....wherever you are....whatever you are....

farewell for now..........:’O) 

(curtain falls)

[ebayclowns]

new posts,,,,,, ARE THE CLOWNS BACK?! :'D

Perhaps they may return......for a limited engagement 🤡🌛🤡🌜

[ebayclowns]

another lot of clowns that were mysteriously deleted were the Rufflefucker Trio, who were also the very first ebayclowns ever written of (as far as we can remember)

description:

three lovers who met online. they are extremely rude and love gossip. all their heads are detachable and capable of flight. when they encounter something particularly worthy of scorn they like to circle it with their hovering disembodied heads, neckruffs flapping, shreiking with cruel laughter. the pink one fancies itself the leader, but the one with the sunglasses is really in charge. faction: Jesters of the Court

[ebayclowns]

what a gorgeous clown!!!  :’O  :’O  :’O

I found this clown doll at the local Goodwill and decided he is the Best Clown

(Also, just found ebayclowns and was ~inspired~. Faction: Tearboy, producing only the highest quality tears)

[ebayclowns]

somehow Jinks Leggins, one of the first and most lore-foundational ebayclowns, has been deleted from the blog. luckily the brilliant Clownsverse Wiki is here to bail out our asses and return Leggins to his seat of glory

[ebayclowns]

hello......im a little unsure of what to do with this blog now. we were about two thirds through writing a big serialized ebayclowns plot event late this summer but other stuff has happened since then and we are all busy so we sort of forgot about it. i started this blog many years ago as a silly little hobby/experimental writing project and its made me very happy how people seemed so enthusiastic about it and to this day people send us pictures of their clowns....its very nice. i think most people have moved off tumblr now (including me mostly) and ive got nearly all the ebayclowns posts archived on my computer but ive no immediate plans to transfer it to a new platform or anything. i guess ill see if i can finish writing the event over christmas break and if i so then ill publish it whether or not anyone is around to read it, just to have it out there. i have other work to do though so if i cant complete it i will release the unfinished event along with all our notes in a document for people to see What Could Have Been. perhaps someday if i have time i might turn the archive into a twine game, structure it like a collection of worldbuilding notes and short stories that interlink. but that would take a lot of effort so im not sure. anyway, we’ll see how it goes. happy holidays clownfans, wherever you are, and thanks for sticking with us all these years through the many strange trials and tribulations of this blog, this website and this world :’O :0)

[ebayclowns]

Limp Hogbeat, small business bungler who sells imitation-clownflesh products to cannibalistic Unexplainables whom are trying (and usually failing) to go vegan. his factory is full of big vats and other churning apparatuses that turn waste-paste and bone-china into clown-flavoured quorn, or “Qclorn”. all his staff have either fallen into the vats for a cheap bit or deserted him in search of a better wage than getting to lick the bowl, so Limp must run the whole operation by himself. he spends his days dashing between different work-stations, quick-changing into different uniforms, and rehearsing his alibi for the dreaded day one of his clients actually tries to look inside the factory. he plans to claim that all the employees are temporarily off with polkadot flu. might even throw in a “you know how it is”, followed by a nervous titter.

Faction: Capitalist

[ebayclowns]

This guy looks like something you’d find caught in a fishing net

Flop Sweat, a ghostly influencer. he attempts to alter the course of present politics from beyond the grave, whispering in Senator’s ears, poltergeisting secret documents around, fiddling with particles to upend speeches and rallies at precise moments, that kind of thing. this might be effective if all his political enemies from when he was alive weren’t also currently dead and attempting to do the exact same thing.

Faction: Dead

[ebayclowns]

purchased this individual at a yard sale for one (1) US dollar. what is the mark in the middle of the forehead?  clown power crystal?

Meg A. Bus, third-in-line to the Bus fortune. a fad for having crystals on you resulted in her current state; the gem (accursed loot from the hoard of the Bastard Horde) is pressing into her forebrain and sapping any energies she may have originally possessed. everybody’s moved on to the new “thing” - at time of writing, fitting as few clowns as possible into a single big car - but the Bus women are stubborn, and not one to let go of an accessory just because it’s “out of fashion” or “steeped in evil” or “actively hastening [their] deaths”.

faction: Wisefool

[ebayclowns]

who is this

Giblets the Evil Clown. they are the first and only clown to know what evil is, having accidentally come across the concept while hacking into god’s neopets account (which lists everything in creation). all other clowns are too innocent and stupid to understand “good” or “evil” as adjectives or as abstract concepts, and Giblet’s wracked countenance and furiously signing limbs are dismissed with a cry of “Morality? I ‘ardly know ‘e!”

faction: None

current mood: Tormented

[ebayclowns]

who is this airborn gentleman?

unidentified flying Bastard. as all good clowns know, Bastards sink, finding the lowest and foulest point in any institution or cave system, and then digging it even deeper. it is a rare Bastard that can defy gravity and their natural instincts to take to the skies, and, to be honest, there isn’t much they can do when they get up there; they’ll eat birds, combine lost balloons into obscene arrangements, and impersonate clouds, but this is all mostly to stick it to their less buoyant brethren.

faction: Bastard