eatmyassinthedark

[eatmyassinthedark]

Today i got really mad at sam for going keto and im not that upset about it but im so angry with what hw did and i feel like im projecting but idk why its making me so angry its just ive forgive him for what he did but i dont to keep bring it up idk if im overrearing but in the past 7 months i think ive talked about it once with erik and 3 times with sam and i dont want to be told to break up with sam but i really dont know how to deal with these emotions

[eatmyassinthedark]

Back in august when sam and i came home from the bar we started having sex and it was fine at first and he wanted to do anal and i was fine with it at first and its started to hurt and i asked him not to and to stop he said fine and then he kept doing. ( during sex i do allow him to smack me in the face) but this time i had a head ache so i asked him to stop and he kept doing it. And i kept flinching. But he kept trying to put itnin my butt and at this point im crying and i couldnt stop he didnt notice. He kept trying to put it in my butt and he was getting really agressive to the point where i had to kick him off of me and promis to stop and we went back to vagina sex and then we stopped. Then next morning he didnt remember a thing about it. I didnt make a huge thing about it because he was leaving for a work trip the next day. But then a few months later i had a mental break down anout with erik and he didnt think i should be with him and i almost broke up with him but i couldnt do it. I do love hime and i hate that this happened. Its been 7 months since and sometimes i still cry about it like last night i just cried immiderly after sex

[eatmyassinthedark]

Lol

Im sitting here while sam plays video games its 1;39 am im crying i have been for an hours now he hasn’t noticed i just want to go home but hell get mad my heart hurts not too sure exactly why, but im worried about school whaat if i fail again? I look so stupid i really want to be a nurse but what if i fail and thats a sign that I shouldnt.. idk im just sad thanks winter im thinking about dean cheating one me ans i look at hime and i just want to punch him so hard so he can feel the hurt that i do

[eatmyassinthedark]

Lately ive just been feeling so alone my heart sinks when i think anout thw zero people i have in my life that really care about me. One was eager enough to wish me happy birthday at 12 i was the first for so many, sarah, amanda and laura sam. I guess the littlw things that are important to me just arent as important to my “friends”. Aswell no one was itching to be with me on my birthday it was quit depressing actually hald my friends haven’t even wished me happy birthday but its okay, it just hurts they dont even think about the 20 secs jt takes to type happy birthday. Why do i feel so alone. I have so many complaints anout my friends do i have the right? Are my feelings rational or is it just in my head? Why is it so hard to make new friends? I was hoping sam was going to do something cute for my birthday but nope hes currently playing video games and im crying in his bed LOL. Like do i have the right to be upset am i being a craZy gf? I just want special things done for me likw i do dor my friends and him.i just want to travel so much just run away from everything and everyone for a couple months how nice would that be no stress of anyone

[eatmyassinthedark]

One last thing this ones about sam. Again i love him so much and i dont think ive ever loved anyone more. But when i found out he cheated on me my stomach dropped my heart had litteraly felt like it had broken in two. I still dont quite understand why he did it butit was bc he wasnt ready for a relationship blah blah but doesnt mean cheat on me tell me how you fucking feel dont put your fucking dick that youve been putting in me for two months into this ugly thot. It made me loose all trust in you, you dont know that but i was insecure before now its even worse and you might get annoyed with is but you have no body to blam but yourself. I hate thinking of you with anyone else it fucking kills me but to know you actually did that kills me even more i love you and i never wanna stop loving you but. I hate when you talk about how you wanted to fuck this firl and that girl especially when its girls ive met it really hurt me bc i have a low self esteem im not pretty like them or as normally outgoing or thin and nice body with a skinny waist big but n boobs. I still dont even know why you love im sad im so sad and sometimes i dont think you realize what youve gotten yourself into with me bc of how mentally fucked up i am. Im sorry for who i am im sorry i cry alot and get sad at randoms times and dont know why im sorry i still get sad at the fact you cheated on me and cry anout that. Im sorry

[eatmyassinthedark]

Anothing i just want to get out that i can never really talk about with anyone is well when i was raped two years ago. How fucked it was i mean i dont remmeber half of it but it just scares me that wpuld if it was my fault i said or did something to make him do it. I was so drunk. That after math is the worst honestly bc my daf started talking about how if onwas pregnant and if i didnt keep it o was murdering his grandchild and made me feel so shitty about myself . And i didnt have relations with any guy for a while it ducked me up. Even now i have dream about being raped again even by my own father how fucked is that. And i cant get the image out of my head for so long to the point where i dont even want my dad touching me i knowbits not his fault but its just how i feel and i wish i cpuld talk to somone about this and ive never really been able or i iust shove it to back an pretend it didnt happen.

[eatmyassinthedark]

Im sad again i feel like i have no friends i mean i have friends but im not at any depth with them you know like i was really super close with jeas but she didnt really treat me right and even now if i dont comtac her he doesnt put in the effort it sucks. Nicole is my bestfriend but she i so reserved and it sucks that i cant have that openess with jess i can undertand that maybe thats who she is as a person and bc of everything that hapened to her. She has her girfriend for all that stuff now so, i wonder if she wasnt away for school and her gf lived in town how much i would actually see her. I love her to death but sometimes i feel that even she takes advantage of how nice i am that im kinda a door matt ya feel me. I know i can be a huge judgmental bitch and that probably why i dont really have any friends but ph well what can you do. I was hoping that going to school i would make friends i mean im friends with sarah but again its just all surface friendships and it suck like yesterday i was so happy bc there wad moose and shaun but again it surface stuff and i know i cant have deep friendships with everyone but id rather 1-2 good deep friendships than 10-13 surface ones bc thats what i feel i have i just feel empty almost. I know ive been friends with natassja for ever but we are such dofferent people that i think were only friends bc of how long weve known each other but id never take her for grantid.