earthleen

[earthleen]

[earthleen]

Sobrang problematic ng old posts ko, it’s kind of embarrassing. But it also means that I’m in a better place now, mentally and emotionally. Don’t get me wrong, I still go through extreme highs and lows but not as much as I used to. Wala naman na kasi akong time magpaka emo dahil nacoconsume na ng work ang buhay ko.

Anyways, the reason I’m here is because I just want to express how much I miss my grandma. Since she passed, I would remember random ass snippets of my childhood when I was living with her. Tonight, I remembered this plant that she had in her garden, may maliliit na dahon na kapag pinisa mo, may tubig na lumalabas. I want to have that plant even though I’m not a plant person, but sadly I can’t even find it’s name on the internet. You know the thing that they say in the movies when someone died? Something like “I still have so many questions for (the person who passed)”. That’s how I feel. I might not be able to know what that plant is, ever. It fucking saddens me that I didn’t have this much interest in her when she was still alive. I fucking love her, but I never really took time to appreciate the life that she lived. She used to cook this “Arabic” dish for us when I was young, we called it “mash-bush”, who the hell knows if that’s the actual name of the dish, or if it’s really Arabic. All I know is that she said she learned it from when she was a domestic helper in Saudi Arabia. That badass woman went through a lot I swear, remembering her makes me feel like such a fucking pussy.

I have this idea that I’ve always had since we moved in here in the US, which is that she taught me to be kind. Not directly, she never actually told me that I need to be kind, but it’s something that I learned from watching her, from knowing her. She is the kindest person I know and I know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be as kind, giving, loving, and forgiving as her. But I am more than thankful that she was able to sprinkle some of those traits unto me. I miss her so much.

[earthleen]

I don’t fucking need you and your attitude.

[earthleen]

You’re literally so stupid, I don’t even want to talk to you and I am almost ready to let you the fuck go.

[earthleen]

Sa loob ng 35 days, gagawin natin ang 50 squats, 50 situps, and 15 push ups challenge. Haha konti lang sa push ups kasi di ko pa alam kung ilan ang kaya ko.

[earthleen]

Not a love letter

Dear Nats,

First of all, I do want to apologize sa lahat ng mga pagkukulang ko sa’yo. Aminado ako na I could have done better during the last months of our relationship. Walang valid na excuse kung bakit nag hahalf-assed ang isang tao sa relationship, it’s just unacceptable. But of course, me being me, may sagot ako dyan. I got tired, that’s my dumb excuse. I got tired for reasons you already know. Secondly, thank you for introducing me to your world. I’ve gained friends, napamahal na ako sa family mo, and I’ve never felt so wanted. Thank you. Lastly, I don’t want us to be strangers. We’re not young anymore, we share the same friends, experiences, memories. Kung magiging back to strangers tayo, that means cutting off a big chunk of my life too.

Ayun, just take care. This is just me being the bossy, demanding, mommy-type of friend who wants you to do whatever I say cause I always think I’m right.

[earthleen]

Missing Bon

I need long hugs, night walks , and late night talks

[earthleen]

“Charlie, he doesn’t hover” - Sana all. I freakin love my alone time.

[earthleen]

Gusto ko na lang mag-adik para lagi na lang akong adik hahaha.

[earthleen]

This whole moment

[earthleen]

He has not left my mind since the first time that I have laid eyes on him; he’s not the same towards me.

[earthleen]

[earthleen]

30 Days Later...

Today is May 1, 2019 and it has been a month since I found you on Facebook. So far so good naman, and as of the moment, I am hoping for many more months that’ll be spent with your presence.

Thank you for spending time with me, kahit hindi masyadong eventful, tulad ng sinabi ko sa’yo, we could just be sitting across each other, and that’s enough for me.

As time passes by, mas nakikilala natin ang isa’t isa, and I’m aware that neither of us is perfect; nonetheless, everything else is a blur, not because I choose to be naive, but because your good qualities outweighs the not-so-good ones. I really really like you, although may takot pa din, I can definitely say that you make me feel full. Also, kanina, I told you that I love you, and I meant it. It took all the courage inside me to say it. Ganun pala kasarap sa pakiramdam kapag pinag isipang mabuti ang isang bagay, especially kung tungkol sa pagmamahal. I do love you, Bon. Sana i-continue tayo i-guide ni Lord towards a beautiful future together. 

[earthleen]

Nasan ang damo kung kailan kailangan putang inang roller coaster ride to. Ayoko na, ibaba nyo na ko hahaha. Bitin pa sa beer fuckmeeeehard.

[earthleen]

I’ve been whispering I love you to my pillow now for days, imagining that it’s you. I even had a dream tonight, of me saying it to you and it felt good. Hindi ko pa alam kung mahal na talaga kita, pero gusto kong doon mapunta, kaya sana, with God’s guidance, gawin nya tayong tama para sa isa’t isa. 

[earthleen]

[earthleen]

I woke up with a familiar feeling, a feeling that I used to reside in, a lot. I didn’t miss it, but I have stayed in it long enough to know that I don’t like it. It’s fear. The one that comes with loving someone who does not love you back, but love you just enough to make you stay in hopes for more.

The only reason why I haven’t had this feeling in a while is because I refused to be in it. I chose to be tough, to be in control, to be the one calling shots, the one to decide when to continue or to stop. But now I think I’m falling for someone, mysterious enough to awaken this fear.

Do you like me?

How much?

How far can you go?

What are your thoughts?

Tell me. I want to know if having this fear will be all worth it in the end.