e-pad-blog1

[e-pad-blog1]

7/9/17 I think? Is July 7th?

Ok so for some reason I keep on making these really awkward glances at people and I don't know why I do it. Probably anxiety, but I typically just think people are looking at me. I think it was just the effect of the play I saw and how annoyed it made me feel because of how well an actor played her part. It was real and painful. I wasn't jealous she just played such an asshole and she did such a good job that I was swept away. And soon I was angry literally and I thought people were looking at me. And when I think someone is looking at me and I see them looking at me (even though they probably aren't and my vision is probably just shit) I just stare them down because I don't want to be stared at. Kinda reminds me of 8th grade and I was getting stared at, but now I don't want anything to be "wrong" with me. Probably just anxiety and a mood swing. Think it helped writing this out. I am truly afraid of being the odd one out. Yup, gonna go watch some cry cuz he's a good. Have a good summer and shit

[e-pad-blog1]

6/17/17

The summer is soooooooooooo boring like as someone who has close to no friends. I should really contribute some time to WoW. Now that I think about that I really shouldn't do that actually. I wish I had a lil posse of good friends who would be willing to play jackbox party games and maybe like superfight and shit because doing that all the time sounds like the perfectest summer I could ask for. Shows me how much I thoroughly appreciate one Jorden Roares for bein ma buddy. He's a good one. And that's pretty good. On the subject of relationships and shit, I don't want any of it. Most of those are so full of drama and other poop and currently I don't need that, but hey good friends, hell yeah dood, plzzz. Hmu good friends. I hope u have a good day and I wish u a good summer or fall or winter or spring.

[e-pad-blog1]

Saying hi

The most difficult part about emotions around attraction are acting on them. By far. Not accepting them. But when I find that I'm attracted to some cute person I almost never do anything about it. I typically get scared and don't act on anything and that just doesn't move anything along then has me asking myself "damn dude that chick was your type and she was really cute! why didn't you just say hi?." And really though I don't know. Not because I'm afraid of rejection I don't think because I've gone through that and it hasn't destroyed me. I wrote this because I saw this really cute (but older by probably a couple years it wasn't perfect), small, and seemed really kind. Plus she had a big butt! Like I'm not a boob guy I am most definitely a butt guy. Like boobs to me we're super cool and awesome before I copped a feel and realized they're just like these sacs on a chest. Kinda cool but like a butt is the best dood. It's something (if you're in a relationship or are both ok with this) you can grab without being awkward while making the out and shit. And that female had a pretty darn good butt I gotta say. That was a tangent but I feel bad that I didn't do anything when I could've. And yeah I'm writing this shit down. Cool I'll see you later me who is the only one who reads these!

[e-pad-blog1]

5/13/17

Right now I feel im at a low

Cuz like I’m having problems talking things out with my dad because he’s troublesome to say the least, and apparently my brain aint all that healed from my last concussion, and I’ve been out of school for like two weeks. The first week I’ve just been contemplating shit and the second I got hit with an annoying ass cold. I’m mostly scared of going back for getting called the concussion kid again because I really don’t want to be branded as the kid who got a concussion. I just want to be, wise crackin dood with puns and shit. That sounds like me. I think. Ye. Also I’m debating becoming a YouTuber so I can get friends to play jackbox games with me because I don’t have enough friends to play with people currently. Also I think people ignore me periodically when I text them to hang out for these really fun party games. Which is dumb but they are fun and stuff. So who knows I might go make a YouTube channel for actually like making videos and not just for watching cry and dunkey’s videos. So yeah. That’s a thing. I hope u have a good day and live life to the fullest. And like make peace with yourself. Or try to because I’ve realized you are stuck with them and you might as well go and like someone your stuck with. Bye bye now, I'm gonna go back to watching my favorite stream ever. Luv u cry. Ok bye bye everyone coughonlymecough

[e-pad-blog1]

4/18/17

Crushing on a lesbian I know isn't worth it but god damn she is very much my type I fucking hate it. Why can't there be a nerdy Merlin loving hetero I hate life sometime

[e-pad-blog1]

Moment today

Okkaaay so I deleted this thing because gosh damn it's depressing. So yeah have a good day

[e-pad-blog1]

3/10/17

Sorry that I haven’t wrote anything I said I would try to write everyday and I haven’t been but I knew I could today so here I am. Writin. 
I woke up today, debated preordering the Nintendo switch. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get it. It looks good for hanging out and stuff. So today I’m not sure if my sarcasm is hinderance to me. Like maybe it is maybe it’s not who knows I don’t. I feel like sarcasm is in my blood not as in therefore you should feel bad for me or anything. The last thing I want from anybody is pity. Ok no the last thing I want is another shitty Percy Jackson movie to come out but second to that it’s pity. I want to be special sure like I don’t want to be bland and be a cubicle worker later on so I’m not saying I just want to be normal. But I don’t want to be spotted out of a group for sometimes being sad and depressed. I don’t want anyone to look down on me. I also don’t want to look down on anyone I want to be able to talk to someone at eyes view and still have a real conversation. And be special and be unique and different. And if that’s not your thing to be like that then don’t do that I’m not saying everyone should be. I just don’t want to be special for some problem I have or had or being sad sometimes or whatever. I just want to be Atlas(it’s a gamer tag for battlenet not saying I want to hold up the world). The awkward theatre gamer nerd. I don’t want to be head of my class or have a ton of cool surfer friends who enjoy taking their shirts off and fuckin girls, I want to get the main in a play and beat that shitty final boss. That was on a tangent. Poop. That’s ok. I’m glad I got it outta me. On a thing that is something I can read and stuff. Back to sarcasm. I said a sarcastic comment today that I felt might have been kind of mean but I’m not sure I mean I didn’t know what kind the context of what I was teasing but hey I did it. 
Now I feel like kind of a dick. Also this is gonna go on another tangent but I want to get this out as well so In 6th grade a girl pressured me into sending inappropriate pictures to her. And I did and I felt terrible after and it got in my head at that point and after as sick as it was I talked to the girl again and I felt equally shitty the second time when I didn’t do anything but it got in my head and that was weird and I feel disgusting even now that she could tell people about that because in the past she over exaggerated things and gossiped and stuff and I don’t know. I just feel gross from all of that and Im writing it now and it feels good to address it on paper. Back again again to sarcasm so that’s drilled into me and I think it’d be good to get that habit out and stuff. I’m blaming Rick Riordan a bit for that because he definitely has contributed to my problem. Another side track. Right now I have 2 bffs for evs and I love them so much despite one of them canceling plans with me pretty close to the dot.
I’m gonna talk about them for a sec because I’m very happy that they are in my life. •Freshy princess of hell who cares
-freshmen who I met through the play is very strange and awkward and not good at talking to people and watches h3h3 -theatre nerd and let’s me be pretty gay even though I’m like totally straight even though I would date and do find really good looking guys really good looking. But yeah super straight ha definitely no sarcasm just complete truth yeah definitely -she’s good at being chill and letting my vent about shit that’s going on and talking calmly to me about stuff -only knew this person for about 6 months and it feels like we’ve been friends for at least a couple years. •Helios -cool stoner dude who is so nice and kind and good to me and I love him to death cuz like we got that bromance like no other. He’s the Wayne to my Garth any day. We both play the same games and we’re both really awkward gamer dudes on the inside and he is just such a good guy and I love him so much. -legit epitome of the best friend. He’s the guy I would easily trust to catch me from a burning building and stuff and right now he’s saving money for a straight date for the two of us to go and have dinner after he gets payed and man like I don’t have feelings for him, like romantically. I love him like a brother though, for fuckin sure ez. -we’ve both gone through how shitty heartbreak can be and both came through the other side of shit and bros for fuckin life. I will miss the fuck out of this man in college jeezus Christ. (Ok so minor thing the new significant other interest I have is still there and she is just so cute and I hate it cuz I don’t know how to ask a date of her but she is a cutie and I hate feelings fuck u feelings for cute people god damn shittttfuck) So now I think I’m good that’s out of me. Peace y'all have a great day. Even though I will be the only one to read this ha buh bye and I hope u find other things like this on the bllooooogggggyloooogggggy tag as well.

[e-pad-blog1]

3/6/17

(Sry that I missed 2 days it was a weekend and I got done with ori and the blind forest then realized I never even got to black roof burrow but now I'm good) I slept pretty alright today, then I woke up but I assume you are already aware with that because it would be really cool if I was typing this while asleep at one pm but that is not the case. I went early to my therapist and we talked for a while and that was good and productive, so that's a good. After that I got breakfast with mom which was very healthy I mean like so healthy, because I'm pretty sure that s'more crepe had way too much healthy stuff in it along with the ice cream on the side (Also I think I just tried to be funny even tho it probably wasn't that funny but that's ok). I then played some hearthstone which unless you are for some reason either interested in hearthstone or really flippin bored and just thought it might be minimally interesting you should skip because you might not understand at all what's goin on. So I tired a new Reno lock deck which is pretty annoying to other people I gotta say and I am liking it quite a bit actually. So yeah that's pretty coo. The Reno really makes your opponent sigh then wonder why they play this game and get really angry. So yeah hearthstone is a cool. Then I went to this med doctor to talk about my ADHD mess and the anxiety meds and they seem to have been working because things have been better from how things looked 2 weeks ago persay. And I just got to school and I'm writing this in the library again which is pretty interesting and I know you are interested by that fact that I just said yes. Well I hope u have a good day and I might write some more stuff later but Idk so yeah if I don't and I just post this draft have a good day!

[e-pad-blog1]

3/3/17

Debating if I should buy the switch. Like it looks cool… kind of… but it could also be really bad but I think it’ll be really cool so it’s a hard tradeoff.

I woke up today, played ori and the blind forest which is toying with my emotions (DAMNIT NARU U SHOULDVE EATEN THE FUCKING FRUIT AND NOT GIVEN IT TO ORI YOU SELFLESS POOP) and making me very angry at myself for not saving the game more often because I’ve been stuck in some very very annoying positions where I had gotten to a new story line but died and had to back behind an entire section of platforming.

I took a shower then went to school where I did some physics but mostly just messed around with oli who is a fun popular ADHD kid. I think that says a lot about him actually. I then went to where I am now, in the library, typing all of this down and really wanting to take a nap. Like I totally could for 30 min then go back to class but this chair isn’t amazingly comfortable on my butt bone

I’m probably gonna write more later. If I don’t we’ll have a nice day you.

[e-pad-blog1]

3/2/17

Well some how, today is looking up! There is a new overwatch hero in our midst, Orissa who looks cool despite her gun needing a huge nerf in clip size because holy shoot that accuracy and 300 in clip. Needs nerf to at least 250. Or maybe to her accuracy… who knows I’m not a good game balancer. So I woke up, stressed out over making a card for my mom, it’s her bday!!! went to therapy, talked about stuff, that was good and I think I already previously talked about Ted. He’s a good man. Went home started playing a new game called antichamber which was a whole lot of: ?!! Wattttt?!!?!! Basically it was rather confuzzling to say the least. I realized I missed all of lunch and rushed to school where I tried to find a place where I could read (the hammer of Thor which is god(s)lay amazing) and hang out and whatever for like the 7 minutes I had until 5th period started. Obviously went to the theatre, I mean cuz where else would a theatre kid feel safer. Walked over there and saw her again and she looked sad but hey she was sitting in her new boyfriendo’s lap. Wanted to help. Unfortunately I knew in the back of my mind that would only lead to me feeling like shit for trying and getting nowhere. So I didn’t and just walked into the theater and read for a bit where I read that SPOILER FOR THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH SO IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING READING MAGNUS CHASE AND THE HAMMER OF THOR DO NOT READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH

Randolph finally cut that asshole loose and I almost lost it and I was ready to fight somebody

SPOILER DONE RESUME READING

Luckily enough though the bell rung and I went outside and I saw the fallout obsessee talking with the little fresh kid! And they actually looked pretty cute together!!! Nice job dood i was glad he was moving on.

Went to physics, said some shitty puns I was very proud of. (Favorite pun: context: we were talking about torque and how how much would need to be exerted on a wrench to turn a bolt which was in the shape of a hexagon. Pun: when I get out of this class I’m going to bolt and I’m going to be Hexa-gone. The entire class groaned and I was proud.)

Now I’m here in the library where I have and will be during 6th period for probably a bit of time still. And I’m stickin with school so good job me. I’m able to complete basic life functions! Woo! I might write more later when I get out of rehearsal but until then, have a good day!.

Ok so hopefully she isn’t reading these but god damn she is cute. New crush unfortunately. It’s unfortunate because when that appears you tend to have difficulty not making awkward glances at them during rehearsal and she’s this cute small Asian girl and that is very my type. Plus she understands video games ooh shit! Hopefully I get the courage to ask her out.

[e-pad-blog1]

3/1/17

I woke up, and then went straight back to sleep which was nice. Went to school, did physics which I still thoroughly enjoy because the class is great and simple and I love it. Math was so boring and we legitimately only did 3 problems the whole time because the class is really not that smart. I basically just read the whole time. Went to theatre, practiced my some dancing. Got a ride home, and then I cried and almost did some self harm which was fun but my cats figuratively talked me out of it by crying loudly at me and rubbing up against my legs and I love them so much for that. They have been there for me as my lil babies for about 2 months now and I treasure them so much for that. Trusting anything other than them has been feeling pretty hard recently especially with the crying and bad thoughts up here but on the school front things are getting better. Not everything is a shit show. Still calming myself down has been difficult when you realize your not good enough, but someone else is. Well that was depressing. Let’s see on the bright side, school, dark side, feelings, self doubt the usual. I hope anyone who reads this (which will only be me I think but who knows. Some random person might be interested enough to read down this far. Have a good day you and know that you’re good enough.

[e-pad-blog1]

2/28/17

Woke up, played with kittens, went to school for the second time in a row, wondered if I was gonna see her at lunch, didn’t ah dang then did physics which was good because my physics teacher is like this random muscley awkward guy to look up to and stuff and I like him a lot.

Then I went to the library and read for 6th period as I’ve been doin and I was reading and texting a mom of someone who I also thoroughly appreciate because she has really good cat pictures.

I went to 7th period, had a sarcastic day in math because our teacher is awesome and is not the best at understanding the young kid stuff typically. Then I went to theatre and waited for a ride (actually trying to see the female I was talking about and then realized she had already jumped into someone other’s arms extremely easily after breaking up with her last boy toy. So I realized I got that I wasn't as important as another guy that she met two weeks ago. Yippee self esteem! Went to this dbt thing to help train my mom and I to help communicate our feelings and to help come to terms with a middle ground between the emotional mind and the rational mind which has been very helpful by the way. I think I make too many jokes but other than that that’s alright. I vented to a dear friend who took all my shit and was like “aight” all chill and shit and it was very helpful getting it out there. So if somehow u read this expect a lot of thank you’s but even if you don’t read this still expect that but yeah umm that was how my day went. Also side note I know this is sooooo Tumblr and there’s not even a galaxy backround on my page but I was seriously thinking of suicide for a bit which was not all that fun and I just want that shit out of my brain and this is just stupid but I thought the only way to get thoughts of that out of my head, was to do it. Like the only way to stop worrying about doing homework persay is to do it. So right now that seems like something that might be the case

[e-pad-blog1]

2/27/17

I woke up I went to therapy. My therapist is a good man I like him cuz he’s a good and stuff. Very understanding and less “I inquire this incident reminded you of how hard that was be it was hard and I that’s ok.” He was just like “really?! She did that? U fuckin kidding me that’s so bullshit!” And I’m like “yeah man it was a lot of dumb.” So he was good and we talked about going back to school because I am typing this in my library and school is goin pretty so-so. No drama outside of my head and that’s good!Played a game at lunch with friends. I’m very happy about the friends that I have cuz they’re just doin the do and doin good. There’s this senior who is very easy to be around without feeling like I’m being judged or anything. Then there’s this small freshy kid who is very awkward and I feel pretty awkward too so it’s easy to hang out and feel like I’m wanted and then there’s the bestie I talked about last time and he’s just a good guy all around. I wanted to say that trying not to think of someone only makes you think about them more which is thoroughly counter productive. Like why can’t u be like, I don’t want to think about this, ez game ez life. And not like I don’t want to think about her wait but she’s still really cut- DAMNIT nope nope you are still very mad at her get that in your lil white nerd head. Focus on oh wait my kitties are so cute and I love them with all my lil heart and I hate undying undyne. And I might write more latah

[e-pad-blog1]

2/26/17 (also I don't plan on anyone ever legitimately reading this, so discretion is advised

Day in the life of me. I woke up, appreciated my cats, wondered if I still had feelings for her. Why u gotta be so poopy feelings jeezus. Hello me when I read this in 2 hours, regret writing it and then debate deleting it and then look back on it and think hey now that’s an ok first go at shit. I am 16. I’m a sophomore. I do stuff. I get stressed but u know that cuz I’m a person who downloaded tumblr to actually talk about my life and not to just follow various sailor moon fan pages. I thoroughly enjoy Rick Riordan’s work. He writes stuff down and people read it and they are sometimes like hey that’s a good but sometimes they are like it wasn’t like the movie which I saw first so I don’t like it and I am also a terrible person who should realize I’m the guy on tv shows that messes everything up who u just wanna strangle but u can’t cuz tv shows have been pre-filmed so u can’t do that. I am one of the first people cuz the books he writes are the good stuff. I am tryin out dbt. I am getting back into school tomorrow for 2 classes as I have been out of school on account of stress and Otha shit. I have 2 cats that I appreciate very much because they are small and I am basically the male mother of them. They are my lil cat pups. Wait no pups don’t go to cats why did u write that and shouldn’t u go back and delete it so u don’t look dumb nvm ur too lazy and ur just leaving it there. Ok fine. So I woke up, had a convo with ma bestie on goin to SF but I couldn’t cuz I already invited a different dood over and yeah. I do appreciate ma bestie though so much he’s that one chill ass poo head who is so nice and understanding and good and I am very appreciative that we is homies. (Side note my cats are laying on each otther and holy shittoodle it is so cute I enjoy them a lot) Played some brawlhalla. Which if some random nerd who has no idea what he or her or one of the other various gender and helicopter types has come on here add me on steem just like message me and he like dood come fot me m9 and I will be scared and accept your challenge leaving us either being besties or mortal enemies. Tried to beat undying undyne and holy fuck I hate her so much she is such a lil piece of terrible trash and apparently sans is like 3x times harder but holy shit it is difficult. Wondered if she might txt me back. Probably not but hey maybe. Hung out with friend who is definitely not gay and who I did not have a very painful tickle fight with. Watched cry play some YAWHG or YAHWG Idk it’s one of the two. Cry is a good person who I just wanna hug all the time. Like I could see Russ as like that one big brother who like is the perfect nerd mentor and I like that man too. I hope u kiddos out there do good stuff livin large and stuff and I hope you have not like the best day ever cuz then maybe another really good may not look as good by comparison. For there to be highs, there has to be lows. Well yeah, uh see you later have a sufficient day.

[e-pad-blog1]

Good shit

Writing stuff down. That's pretty cool.