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[dysfunctionalgayman]

Daily reminder to do things that are banned in the state of Florida like read books and be gay.

🏳️‍🌈📚

[dysfunctionalgayman]

Problematic Things I’ve Heard in Therapy as a Gay Man

“Maybe guilt and shame can actually be a good thing.”

-After describing how religious-based guilt and shame kind of held my life together as a teen even if I was depressed and suicidal.

“I’m LGBT affirming, but I don’t get that whole pronoun thing.”

-After specifically seeking out a therapist who said they were LGBTQ affirming on their website.

“It’s not like you need to talk about sexual topics with your parents anyway.”

-After describing how I was hiding a dating relationship from my family.

“It sounds like you want your Christian relatives to be accepting of you being gay. But you aren’t being very accepting of them being Christian.”

“Isn’t that kind of weird to be friends with girls? What if they think you’re hitting on them?”

-Therapist #1 in an outpatient facility

“Isn’t that kind of weird to be friends with guys? What if they think you’re hitting on them?”

-Therapist #2 in the same outpatient facility

[dysfunctionalgayman]

My Foray into AI Fetish Art

Like a lot of people still rummaging about on Tumblr years after the Great Porn Purge, I’m an introverted loner whose libido can only be rivaled by a crippling anxiety of touching grass just long enough to meet people IRL. Most of the time porn IS my sexual outlet.

Thus a mixture of being Very Online, horny, and into sexual fetishes has resulted in a continuous quest to find hyper-specific material that for me is 🤌🤌just right.

Like people into feet or armpits or what-have-you, I don’t need to see people naked or engaged in sex acts to be turned on. I like to see things such as men in leather (specifically leather pants), 1950s greasers, and burly, chubby men with a mixture of BDSM elements. Those are my kinks that become the basis for my “porn.”

So when I first heard about AI-generated porn images being ~a thing~ it got my mind reeling. This could really open up the floodgates into generating hyper-specific images that could fulfill any fantasy.

I downloaded an AI image generator app and went to town. Like other apps from apps from Apple and Google’s official stores, however, porn is *technically* banned. With the right prompts, however, it’s fairly easy to work around these limitations. Plus since most of the images I make don’t feature actual nudity it’s irrelevant.

The process is simple enough: you enter text of the image you want to see, hit a button, and voila! Most of the images are FAR from perfect, though. I’ve seen plenty of guys with extra limbs, creepy looking eyes, or way too many fingers.

It often takes reloading the image generator over and over to get the desired results and even then, there’s at least a few elements of the photo that are a bit… off (usually the hands or eyes).

But despite its imperfections I think it very much represents the future of adult imagery. No longer do I have to be restricted to vanilla images or specific body types. If I want to see chubby, burly men in leather pants I can get the images with a few taps.

There’s a good chance that at least 50% of the images you’re seeing pop up on fetish accounts on Tumblr or Instagram now are AI generated. AI images are everywhere and they’ve completely permeated the internet.

In some ways, creating and sharing AI fetish imagery could be seen as more ethical than using images of people that didn’t consent to be seen in a sexualized light- especially considering the images that people have gained through “fetish mining” (look it up if you’re unfamiliar).

As a chubby gay man, there’s also something really liberating about being able to produce images of confident, sexy, big men that I wouldn’t ordinarily get to see.

But the more I’ve explored, the more I’ve discovered some rather disturbing ethical issues.

They include:

-All AI software uses source images that feed into its “intelligence” model. The companies that make AI software have been pretty quiet on how they get these images and all signs point to the possibility that they’ve scrapped photos the companies did not have legal rights to. For example, I’ll occasionally get image outputs that have a “Getty Images” watermark, even though I didn’t prompt it to do that. This suggests they used unlicensed photos from Getty Images to feed into the software.

This is especially concerning when creating adult or fetish content as parties that never gave their consent could have their image used as a model for AI imagery.

-The more I tried this out, the more addicting it got. I realized that I was less interested in images that didn’t fulfill hyper-specific interests.

I can envision a future where porn becomes this thing where we all just type what image or video we want to see and suddenly everyone gets so addicted to extremely specific fantasies that it becomes difficult to have real sex.

I always had specific kinks, but now if I see an adult image all I can is “yes, but is he over 5’10”, burly, and wearing leather?”

-Out of an abundance of caution, I’m not going to type EXACTLY what I’m referring to. But think of that one thing that definitely is not supposed to be in porn.

To my shock and disbelief, there have been at least a few times that AI image generators have produced images that appear to show THAT, unprompted.

It’s like going to a restaurant, ordering a salad, but instead the waiter brings a gun and asks if you want to murder someone instead. Like… WHAT?!

This brings with it a risk to anyone using AI generators to create adult imagery. For that reason, I only prompt it to produce images of clothed men and avoid certain keywords that appear to trigger some of the more disturbing content.

***

In conclusion, AI brings with it a lot of promise for those into clothing fetishes like leather, rubber, or latex that want specific types of images that are hard to find elsewhere.

It can also be useful for producing erotic imagery that features more body or racial diversity.

But there needs to be significant changes for this to work long term. Yes, I imagine the software will get more advanced over time and I’ll quit getting images of guys that are four-legged monsters.

While that’s being worked out, however, there are significant challenges that need to be addressed to keep AI ethical. One potential solution is a type of software that uses models who have consented to use their likeness and creates specific parameters around situations that can be shown.

Regardless of what I think, I believe it’s clear that AI is here to stay. It is going to continue to completely disrupt the world of adult imagery, both for good and bad.

[dysfunctionalgayman]

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Younger Self as a Gay Man Into Kink

1. The Internet isn’t real life

The stories you read about on Tumblr or scenes you watch in porn aren’t an authentic representation of kink and fetish. Distinguish fantasy from reality. Even amongst platforms like OnlyFans with “real” kinky influencers they are presenting a highly curated version of a fetish scene.

2. Relationships in the kink community look different than outside of it (sort of)

It’s wonderful that you’re into the idea of monogamous romance and you shouldn’t compromise who you are to fit in. But know that for many in the kink community, monogamy isn’t the default standard and for a lot of guys it’s even a deal breaker. There are all kinds of relationships that don’t match the vanilla world- polyamorous relationships, leather families, pup families, inter-generational relationships.

At the end of the day we’re all still people trying to make a human connection.

Understand and explore the possibility of the these scenarios with an open mind in a way that makes you feel comfortable. And if at the end of day you still decide you want a monogamous relationship, you may need to look a little farther than Recon or leather events.

3. Cast a wider net

Telling yourself that you want a monogamous relationship with a gay man the same age as you who is 100% dominant and has the exact same fetishes is going to extremely limit your dating pool.

It’s okay if your dating partners don’t have the exact same fetish interests. Relationships offer a give and take. Maybe you find a vanilla guy who meets your emotional and romantic needs and is willing to open the relationship for your kinks? This type of scenario is pretty common in the fetish community.

Or maybe you find someone that has different kinks but you indulge in each other’s fetishes to please the other? Sex and kink should be a factor in what you look for in a partner but it can’t be the only one.

4. Most guys are not complete subs or Doms

Abandon this idea of subs being weak, passive cum sluts and Doms being hypermasculine Alphas. It’s hot in fanfic but, again, this is real life. Most people into BDSM have both dominant and submissive qualities.

A guy being, say, 20% sub does not make him less dominant. Ultimately what it’s all about is creating “scenes” where the fantasy of being the Dom and being the sub become real in that moment. You don’t have to be some 24/7 caricature to make that happen and make it feel hot.

5. A Dom guy will not “fix” you

Being a sub does not mean that a Dom can come in and discipline away your problems. You need to get your act together on your own and become a person who can stand on his own two feet.

By becoming your own unique individual with his own set of accomplishments, talents, opinions, skills, interests, and sense of well-being you can offer something spectacular not just to yourself but to a Dom as well.

6. The leather/kink scene has all the same issues as the vanilla bar scene

The overall aesthetic may be a little more masculine and hairy, but these queens are just as petty. Body shaming is still a thing.

You may see some larger men at the forefront of the leather world but if you don’t fit neatly into a physical category like “Daddy” or “otter” it can be tough to find your place.

There’s also rampant, explicit transphobia in the leather community. I was shocked to discover a leather organization in Texas limited it’s membership to “biologically-born males.”

7. Your butt does not define you

You don’t have to be a power bottom to be a sub and you don’t have to be a top who’s hung like a horse to be a Dom.

These roles come down to your unique personality and interests. Your biggest sexual organ is your mind. Being a Dom or a sub is all mental, being a top or a bottom (or neither!) is physical.

8. Set boundaries and be safe

Know your limits and stick with them. If a guy does not respect your limits then GTFO. In the kink world you are going to have to casually decline things being offered to you that you never imagined you would, like fisting and crystal meth. You are in the driver’s seat and can always say no.

Also trust your gut! If you’re talking with someone online and they say something that’s a “red flag,” nip that convo in the bud.

Get to know some kinky friends that can help vouch for the reputation of people you meet online (“do you know this guy?”). Use your instincts and don’t rush into unsafe situations.

9. Leather is just a material

Don’t take things too seriously. There’s still an artificiality to much of the kink community and guys are chasing after superficial forms of validation.

For guys into gear fetishes like leather, it becomes cliquey based on who can afford the nicest gear. It’s okay if your gear is cheap stuff from eBay. It’s silly that grown-ass men are basically treating Langlitz or Mr. S the way teens in the 2000s treated Abercrombie & Fitch.

You do you. Stick to your budget.

10. Prioritize making friends

Above dating, above hookups, find some connections that can be the people you go to bars with, hang out with, swap stories with.

Don’t limit your social network to specific genders or sexualities. Find friends that can be your people and tribe.

[dysfunctionalgayman]

My penis, a history

I discovered masturbation as a kid while I was reading a Nintendo Power magazine, lying on my stomach in front of the Christmas tree while my Mom was asleep on the couch.

Kind of a weird set-up, I know. 

I distinctly remember reading an interview with a guy who worked on the Pikmin game for the Gamecube and it said he was British. Even at that age I knew there was something I found incredibly sexy about a British accent- me being an impressionable young American kid. 

I imagined what his accent sounded like and felt a familiar tightening in my pants that I had only recently learned was called an “erection.” I knew it felt good to get an erection, but in that moment I realized as my body pressed against the floor that it felt VERY GOOD when I rubbed it against something. 

I started to hump the ground as I continued to read my Nintendo Power and that was when it happened. BOOM. It felt like a train was going off in my pants. 

Never since then have I felt an orgasm that was quite like that moment. I rushed upstairs, taking note that my mother (thankfully) was still asleep. I went to the bathroom and saw the mess I had made in pants. Being from a religious family I immediately felt a rush of guilt- did this mean I had lost my virginity?

*   *   *

No one ever explained to me what masturbation was or that there was a method to how most people tended to do it. Thus I continued masturbating in the same, odd way I had discovered it. When no one was looking I would hump my bed or the floor when no one was home till I jizzed in my pants. 

I always felt guilty about what I was doing and was scared to ask anyone about it. When I got a little bit older I went through “ex-gay” conversion therapy via an ONLINE CLASS (yes that was a thing) by a recommendation of someone in my church. 

This class as it turned out was very much against any sexual expression, but particularly masturbation. Essentially I was told that masturbation made me gay and to stop being gay I needed to quit humping my furniture and jizzing in my pants. 

But like anything you “go to war” with, much like drugs and terrorism, my war on humping was a fruitless endeavor. The more I resisted the more I wanted to do it. 

As I got older and become less innocent, I realized that other guys tended to sit up and use their hands when they “jerked off.” Although I tried to emulate this form of masturbation, it was difficult for me to climax. There was something about the way my body would feel pressure from being on my stomach and wrapped in my underwear and pajama pants that couldn’t be replicated otherwise. 

I’ve now grown up, come out of the closet as a gay man, and am approaching my 30′s. I’ve had several short-term relationships and have explored my sexuality somewhat, although not to the extent that I’d like. 

Still TO THIS DAY I can usually only orgasm when I’m wearing pajama pants and humping my bed while I watch porn on my phone. 

In fact ~there is a secret~ I will share on here-

despite having 20+ sexual partners in my lifetime I have NEVER once been able to have an orgasm in front of someone. 

This has affected my self-esteem, triggered my anxiety, and provided a barrier for me to meaningfully connect with others in sexual relationships. I did end up talking to a sex therapist a few years ago and after a few sessions it just got really awkward talking about my penis with a middle-aged lady in an office so I gave up.

I think I’ll probably give sex therapy another go soon. I just want to be able to have a healthy, normal sex life with a fully functional penis. 

[dysfunctionalgayman]

[dysfunctionalgayman]

[dysfunctionalgayman]

Food for thought

[dysfunctionalgayman]

My history with fetishes

There I was on a mission trip in junior high, standing at a church service and feeling super embarrassed that I was a bit aroused at the smell of my new, overly-potent leather belt.

My parents had bought it for me before I went on the trip, along with some nice “church clothes.” As soon as I smelled the belt, for some reason it gave me a boner and that made me feel hella awkward. It was just a cheap belt from Wal-Mart but for some reason it had a very strong smell that you could easily notice from at least a few feet away.

After going to our first church service with my pants sagging, my Youth Pastor had to convince me to wear the belt to the next one, not knowing my dilemma. This wasn’t my first realization of my leather fetish, however.

I had felt particularly aroused when I was flipping through newspapers and magazines where I saw pictures of pop stars like Lance Bass and Ricky Martin in leather pants. There was something about the boldness of it, the exotic nature of it, and the association with “tough guys” from movies like Terminator that I found sexy. I remember a kid at school wore his dad’s black leather biker jacket to recess and I thought “why is he wearing the jacket all the ‘bullies’ on TV wear?”

That was when I actually became a bit obsessed with leather jackets, too. I had been particularly sheltered. I didn’t REALLY know about oral or anal sex until high school. I think in some ways that probably added fuel to the fire that was my fetish. I was too much of a “well-behaved” kid to look at porn or naked men, but men in leather jackets or leather pants or boots were everywhere.

As I got older it evolved into other things once I did start watching porn. It was kind of a slow burn. I was afraid of BDSM originally . Even seeing men in leather harnesses and chaps intimidated me. But over time those became a part of my fantasies as well.

A consistent thing with all of this, however, was that I was ashamed of myself just as much as I was ashamed for being gay. I felt like a huge freak and it embarrassed me that I was into the “weird” stuff more than I was into “regular” sex.

Finally as an adult I’ve had the opportunity to attend some fetish events, including International Mr Leather. There was something really amazing about seeing so many men with interests like me that were living authentic and unapologetic lives where their fetishes were integrated into their being.

It has still been hard for me to really find “my place” in the fetish community. I’m not a sexy circuit boy going to all the clubs in a thong and a leather harness and getting all the attention. Honestly I’m still pretty uncomfortable with my own sexuality in certain ways.

That’s one of the reasons why I want to change cities later this year. I want to go somewhere where I can ~find myself~ and be around less conservative people. We’ll see how it goes.

[dysfunctionalgayman]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m really asexual.

[dysfunctionalgayman]

The issue with “getting help”

Being depressed sucks and often the answer that’s presented is to “just get help.” See a therapist. Take some drugs.

The issue is that A) our healthcare system in the U.S. sucks and is unaffordable for many. B) Mental health resources for LGBTQ+ people & other marginalized groups are particularly lacking C) Personal wellness is more often an art than a science, but Big Pharma has prioritized the profits from overpriced pills over a holistic approach to our health.

Yes I’ve gotten help from a wide range of people. It didn’t make it better. Often it made it worse. I’ve been off pills for a few years but finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist. There were extremely limited options on my insurance plan (new Obamacare plan that started on Jan 1st) and I first had to see an in network primary doctor for a referral. Now it’s the end of March before my first appt with the psychiatrist.

Even though I’m not suicidal I considered going to a hospital for an outpatient program just to get some meds early but it would likely be very expensive and the only hospital in my area on my insurance plan is a for-profit hospital, which I don’t trust.

So now I’m left waiting in a rather lethargic and depressive state of mind during the winter, which is often rough for me.

[dysfunctionalgayman]

My Body Insecurities (A comprehensive list)

1. Gynecomastia- as a teenager I had to have surgery to remove breast development in my chest area. It was mostly concentrated in my nipples and I still have abnormally larger “pepperoni” nipples to this day. 

2. Shoulder acne- I’ve had this since I was a teenager and it sucks. Creams and medication can help reduce it but it never goes away completely. 

 3. Facial acne- “It will go away when you get older” is one of my least favorite lies. 

4. Head Size- I have an abnormally large head that I was often bullied for as a teenager. Doctors have informed me it is in the 99th Percentile of human head size. I can’t wear hats, I squish pillows easily, and sometimes I can’t buy certain t-shirts because my head won’t fit trough the hole. 

5. Dandruff- I have a ton of it and I’ve tried everything to combat it- over the counter shampoo, medicated shampoo, the “no poo” method and I still have a dry, itchy scalp. 

6. Greasy skin- My face and hair get extremely greasy. I’ll try and use cleansers and things like that but things never seem to get better. 

7. Eye sight- it’s bad and I have to wear glasses. I always think I technically look better with contacts but they hurt my eyes. My right does this weird thing where it doesn’t close all the way when I sleep so I have to put eye drops in it because it’s always dry and contacts make it worse. 

8. Fat- I’ve always had problems with my weight and even in times when I’ve lost a bunch of weight I’ve got loose skin and stretch marks to deal with. 

9. Short stubby legs that make it difficult to find jeans that really fit me well. 

10. Giant calves that make it impossible to wear skinny jeans. 

11. A unibrow I shave each morning. 

12. I can’t grow a full beard. 

13. I have no chest hair. But I do have hair around my nipples, which is weird.

14. I’m pale and pasty. I burn easy in the sun. 

 15. Back hair- it’s fairly minimal but it’s there. I Nair it sometimes. 

16. I have an extremely hairy butt that I Nair sometimes. 

 17. I have a bunch of nosehair that I trim. 

18. I have folliculitis, or something like it, along the back of my hairline. Multiple doctors have looked at it and told me it looks like scarring from haircuts but medications don’t help it and it’s really awkward to explain to barbers.

19. I’m a grower, not a shower. My dick is small and almost non-existent when I’m not erect. 

20. I gain weight everywhere except my flat butt. I got no junk in my trunk. 

21. My feet have extremely high arches and I have to wear specially made shoes so they don’t hurt when I walk. 

22. My teeth are crooked and I have an overbite, although I’m getting it fixed. 

23. My hairline is barely, just barely, beginning to recede. 

24. I have a double chin when I look down because of my fatness. 

25. There’s a small skin tag between the lower section of my buttcheeks, near my taint.

26. I’ve been told I have a large nose and it has a bulbous shape at the end. Bradley Cooper has yet to seductively touch my nose and tell me everything will be okay. 

27. I don’t like the way my face looks when I smile.

28. One time several years ago I tried tweezing my eyebrows and I got a little crazy with it so now my eyebrows don’t match and a piece of my right eyebrow is missing and the hair has NEVER GROWN BACK. 

29. My hair is extremely thick and I can’t ever really style it in the way that I want. 

30. My leg hair grows in unevenly for some reason. 

In short, I’m a real catch. 

[dysfunctionalgayman]

Sometimes I also stare at my laptop or phone till my eyes get bloodshot and sore and then I put eyedrops in them and turn on that yellow filter thingy and go back to it.

Yay me. 

[dysfunctionalgayman]

The internet is turning my brain to mush. Or maybe it’s already mush.

I’ve always gone through these moods where I just mindlessly surf the internet, but now that I’ve been more depressed it just seems like a way of life. I’ll be staring at the internet for hours on end- usually not even reading articles all the way through or watching YouTube videos all the way. Just click from one thing to the next. 

Like if I came across this post I probably wouldn’t even read it all the way to be honest. 

I wonder if the internet does this. Like we’ve conditioned ourselves to go from one thing.

To the next.

To the next.

And now I can’t even concentrate to watch an entire movie or TV show, much less read a damn book. I used to read all the time. My fuckin mom used to read all the time and now she also just stares at her Amazon Fire Tablet. 

Stares at it. 

One thing.

To the next.

To the next. 

I worry that I’m not accomplishing anything. That I’m just turning my mind to mush. 

[dysfunctionalgayman]

Kink, Self-Esteem & Masochism

Like a lot of people that are into the submissive or masochistic side of BDSM, I struggle with issues of self-esteem and self-worth. That isn’t to say that we are the ONLY people that struggle with it- in fact I think dominants and tops struggle with with that just as much as we do.

The challenge is to not conflate our feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy with our masochism in a way that adversely effects our mental health. I have DEFINITELY been guilty of this.

On my other Tumblr site @domgayhusbands I’ve written about power dynamics between subs and Alpha men in a way that at times channeled my own feelings of inadequacy towards other men. I’ve given much thought towards times I think I may have gone too far.

Take for example my article I wrote “How to Be More Passive As a Faggot,” a blog post which has since been deemed “sensitive content” and is probably inaccessible. It turned me on quite a bit when I wrote that, and it still does thinking back to it. But basically what I encouraged subs to do was to be pushovers who doubt themselves and let Doms walk all over them in clingy, codependent relationships.

I knew it was fucked up, and I knew it wasn’t healthy, but there was something about it also that made me even more turned on because I knew it was fucked up.

Sometimes I feel like my dick and my brain are constantly fighting but my dick usually wins. What I don’t want to happen, though, is to get so lost in my submissive feelings that I end up hurting myself or other people. Confusing being a sub with being lesser than someone else or teaching another sub that they should feel lesser and inadequate doesn’t seem like the right path.

Lately I’ve been thinking about karma since I’ve had a pretty shitty last few years. I wonder if I’ve put too much bad energy into the world and that had come back to bite me. Like maybe I need to be channeling more positive vibes towards myself and others.

Self-compassion and self-care aren’t always what seems to be the ~sexiest~ thing for a sub, but I think it’s what maybe what the world needs more of.

[dysfunctionalgayman]

I’m going to write more stuff here

Now that my porn blogs have been deemed ~inappropriate~

[dysfunctionalgayman]

A common situation that impacts my self esteem

Guy online: OMG love your profile. How are you single?! You seem so charming. Let’s talk about our shared nterests

Me: (Talks about our shared interests)

Him: hahaha! You are so funny. Can I see more pics?

Me: (sends pics)

Him: (silence and/or blocks me)