dynniel

[dynniel]

I just realized that video was taken at the in-n-out that's down the fucking street of me. What the fuck.

[dynniel]

Day 10 - 15

These couple days I've been thinking too hard, up to the resolve of how much time was wasted. My definition of a "nice person" divides one from one with common sense to one with utterly passionate personalities. I can't say I want to be a nice person because both of those applies for me but they will never come together due to how much it takes me over. I love everyone and everything if it does the same however I hate to show that because certain people take it so seriously. When certain people views me as that personality, it throws me off when I want to shift my persona. Due to how I treat people. I rather not keep a DEEP friendship because I don't care about it. Honestly, would a nice person say that? No they can't because they rather let it happen and make themselves go through it. I kept things personal pretty close to me and sometimes I let it slip with people that aren't worth it. I keep it low with a lot of people because I don't share that common sense. The ideal person for me has to share the same common knowledge when it comes to personality. If a person doesn't understand who, what, and how you are towards yourself. "Shit dude this guy is a total weirdo". What a waste of time and energy to even talk to that person. Why would I want to stick around a person who doesn't understand your shoes because they don't know how. There's too many things to think about one person but many people always want ONE thing from that same person. Their ideals. THATS IT. Okay I have that ideal. I'm one tall hot guy. That's an ideal right? But what about my ideal to you? You have none what am I going to do? I seen this happen in high school a lot because stupid kids back then wanted FRIENDSHIP 🌈. Bah, I had good friends in HS but I never kept close because my ideals weren't there. In the end they kept me company. There's a lot of pretty looking girls when I was Sophomore year. I always wished that I had their ideals. More likely I don't have them because most of them wanted a smoker who had ways to get the weed. Shit dude I don't even know how kids my age back then get that stuff. My ideals is basically the knowledge of personalities of people because they can understand so clear. It's hard to find them now because how cautious we are. One slip can end up being "great I let a dickbag get into my social life." There's a lot of people I WANT to get close but it gets such a mess. I give up the second I want to because they don't know you. Yea, the friends you been with for a long time still don't know you. With the "friends" I have I don't want to even bother talking to because the ideals goes off miles. I wasted so much time looking for those ideals. Makes me want to travel back in time. ----------------- Sure, the more friends you have the more useless memories you have with them. Makes me sick of remembering certain parts and they are there in your head. Makes me so frustrated. I often give out serious mood swings when it's regarding meeting new people. It often comes from friends of a friend. It's nasty when you see a "friend" with a egotistical shitfaced loser. Oh dear, send help, ooooh my poor poor heart. Why did I make friends in the first place. It seems I let myself change without realizing the consequences. Too many people in the place of your heart? HAH,bullshit, they are in a place where fleas gather. Once you let them stay for awhile, they just get so annoying. You want to scratch them off. I really wished I had a spray at a young age. I really have useless memories. I have sour memories with the friends I cared about. Now I don't talk to them. So sour it makes me want to tear out my hair. ----------------- Friends of friends don't matter to me. Visually don't care about them. I mean, i do care about my friend but it's only 50% because they can take care of that other %. I often get the bad mood swing when I'm forced to talk to them. I mean staying silent when your in a new group brings out the first impression pretty quick. I don't care about this. I'm in this goddamn group because I felt bad for my friend asking me to come so I did but instantly regret it. How come I didn't just LEAVE the group the next minute and say "it's ok I don't want to stay here" you go have fun". Its REALLY REALLY ANNOYING WHEN YOUR FRIEND OUT OF ALL FRIENDS THEY HAVE MAKES YOU STAY AT A PLACE WHERE YOU FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE but you did it for the sake of your friend. In other cases, I was invited to a useless group. I wished I left the next minute and said "nah it's ok I'm fine". From where I'm at, it could've been different. Too many fucking "new friends" to know when your own friend claims "OH I DIDNT KNOW THIS ABOUT YOU" in the years of friendship. Makes me look stupid with the other "friend" is right there. It's like another person depending who they hang around with. I seen that happen a lot. Makes me want to ram my fist to their face. It completely tells me how low they can go with fucking around with people. I can't be that simple friend. I want to be that person who is readable by just looking at my face. Someone who understands my mood but it claims to be hard for people to do. I'm forever changed on how I view people now. These past days is all I thought about. Song: Owsey - And then I woke up

[dynniel]

Day 8 + 9

I have family that are visiting from Mexico. Really nice people I don't have a problem with. Suddenly I was TOLD that I have to go to Disneyland with them. As in like them and the rest of my family. I said NEVER because how my family deal with discussions never ends up good. Honestly I would gone alone but It was almost 95+ degrees outside so I said hell no thank you. I had an very bad experience being dragged by family and it think twice of going again. I complained a lot when I was forced to wait 4 hours on a new Disneyland ride that wasn't even WORTH IT. Sure, I'm spending time with family but when you are forced to wait FOUR HOURS???? I could've gone the rollercoaster at least 20 times holy nuggets dude. I don't even care at that point. I would want to go home and sit on my ass. Only go on the rides that are LESS than 45 minutes unless you grabbed that fast pass. It's just a major nuisance. My brother went on the new marvel ride that replaced tower of terror (RIP classic ride) and told me the line was over 5 hours wait. HAHAHAHAHA AND HE HAD TO WAIT WITH THE FAMILY FOR IT. I FEEL SO BAD BUT ITS HIS FAULT. only idiots wait for the new ride on the first week. Especially during the SUMMER where EVERYONE is in vacation. I swear though, my family is mostly full of old Women too but that doesn't mean anything. ---------------------------------------- Most of the time I'm just ducking around at my house because life puts you into a mood that you just feel like you want to die. That happens a lot but when you got that time, you wish that you could've done something else during it. Exercising, drawing, painting, doing a puzzle but it's bad to like THINK about the bad things you have gone through. Me personally have a lot of bad/sour memories about people and mostly those are people who I used to call friends. There's something that ticks on and tells me "HEY DO YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU MESSED UP THAT HARD THAT YOU STOPPED TALKING WITH YOU FRIENDS AND RAN AWAY?" I've done so many things that regarded bad choices of me being a bad person. You can really say running away from your past is the hardest because your past is your past. Whatever man. I can't have a peaceful time unless I blast my music so loud the neighbors will call the cops. I want to sing loud but again cops (I'm terrible at singing too). That really sucks though, I remember sour memories since middle school and I always wish I can go back and fix it. Whatever man. Too late for that and suffer the consequences. Song: Clannad VS Eminem

[dynniel]

Day 7

Vacations can be boring. Really depends on family and friends to make it “fun”. Nah, I wish I can move on without the feelings of loneliness.

No song today

[dynniel]

Day 5 + 6

Looking through old photos when you were a child gives me a melancholy sensation. I hardly remember if I was actually happy during those times, I felt like it was forced happiness. I wish I could just go back and check on myself how I was and what changed from me to me now. In those photos had pictures of me with my brother who passed away. I get nothing but the times I was with him, have to cherish the time. ------------------------------ Going along, day after day, hour after hour, and second after second. Going through old memories for certain people just cakewalk and mention the good times. Other people have the struggle of remembering the bad memories. Anything can be a trigger to have a sour memory, a song, an item, an amusement park... and a person. I honestly have a lot of bad memories about people. It's not because they are bad people, more likely it's because of me choosing to LEAVE and hopefully I'll forget about it. I mention to myself that there's a lot of people are just waste your time. The reason is because people change. I change. It's scary to see a long term friend change before you know it. I made mistakes back when I used to do after school tutoring in middle school, usually I just ditch and hangout with friends. I used to hangout with friends and I said to those friends "I'm going to go home" but instead I ran into another group of friends. I just chatted and be on my way but my other group saw me and got offended by that. It made them think I lied to them. I'm that kind of person who runs from the problem regarding its drama or not. Drama is just a stupendous waste of time. I tried to make it easy to understand but not having the understanding of what happened. I ain't going to waste my time. I believe a real friendship will understand each other and not only pass but keep in mind what that friendship actually mean. "Friends" usually cower and make sudden excuses just to go. I seen that a lot. About me running away? They are just part of the "friends" I mentioned. The last real friends I had was cool dude named Christopher. He lived up my street. Cool dude usually gives me rides home because I walk home and it takes almost 30minutes to walk. I don't trust myself making new friends anymore. I recently stopped talking to a friend of 8 years because I was suddenly introduced to another group of "friends" and those "friends" did nothing but cause a migraine and affected my attitude most of the time. "Why didn't you leave that discord channel you fuckin piss". Honestly, I wish I can kick myself to the dick to realize because I let that shit come to my head. In the end, I realized that friend of 8 years changed. I thought 8 years would be enough to fully know that friendship. Instead I didn't understand anything while those "friends" tried to take advantage of her clueless behavior. Sadly being with a group for 8 years ended because of that. All those memories turned sour very quick and makes me want to gag. I don't know about the other people in that group. They seem fine as if nothing happened. If I said no to that invite, my current chapter in my life would've been different. (The reason why 2 days in one post is because busybusybusy) Radiohead - How to Disappear Completely

[dynniel]

Day 4

Keeping in mind with relationships. I'm always that kid who rather stay away from hanging out with other kids outside my home. I honestly had that gut feeling that these people will get me into trouble. Sometimes relationships give you a scar in your memories. I first fell in love with Andrea back in 1st grade. I don't remember about both Javi and Andrea's relationship ship but when we 3 in the same class together. I kept on looking at her and she keeps giggling when I do. Javi doesn't mind it but I know about him with her. Falling in love was sure whack when your just a kid in elementary. As a kid you know jack when talking with a girl. All you can do to make it feel like a date is just as to go to the swings. I remember one time we head up walking to the end of the field and she sat beneath a hill of fire ants. I wasn't sitting when I was standing near the fence. A minute later, she started to cry because she got a mess full of red marks on her arm and leg. I felt like a bastard not seeing that. I was accused of hurting her but she said she did it herself. Javi was giving me looks when the guard duty heard said that. Later, Javi understood and Andrea came back the day after. It hurt to see someone you love cry. This is one of the reasons I wanted to be alone because of feelings towards other people. I wanted to be a selfless dick but emotions kick in now and then taking over my heart then to my head. I don't know if I fell in love before but again I was only a kid not know what to say to her. I just wanted to be by her side. I honestly felt I can grow up with her but it didn't happen. We 3 said we'd meet up during the summer and play but before I get to seen them again. My parents said we are moving from the apartment. My summer was changed because I went to another town 1 hour away of driving. Completely starting fresh. Not knowing anyone. I never saw them again. I don't know their full names but I wish I did. It really sucks knowing these memories and knowing people that you knew. Especially your first love. Song: Crystal Castles - Child I Will Hurt You

[dynniel]

Day 3

Childhood friends are the most important friends that you can ever keep with you. Most of them hardly lasted because of growing up or how in the end it’s just a completely different person.

Javi and Andrea were casually friends when both of them came up to my tetherball court during the first grade. I was alone just hitting the ball but I rather be alone. It’s just calming and peaceful. When they asked to play I said sure, but then I left and headed for the swings after. Both of them insisted to play with them taking turns taking me on.

I sure had fun and it’s still funny how recess felt like 10 minutes instead of 30. Playing and having fun sure let the time pass quicker. Both were grateful to play with a new friend. For once I felt kinda happy but in the inside I felt like I should move just ran to the swings.

Even in the first grade I was a loner on purpose but it’s completely different mood when you feel happiness from other kids at your age. Now after such playtime, we 3 started to hang out and became good lasting friends.

Until a year later I moved and never saw them again.

Song: Weezer - Pig

[dynniel]

Day 2

Talking with people goes from good to eh to gosh I wish I didn’t do that.

I had the experience of drinking which I HARDLY ever drink at all but it goes funny. Very dependent of the person to feel the buzz or actual drunktard you are. I just drink Japanese alcohol Sake because it isn’t shit tasting as other alcohol. Oh well. Don’t drink piss water tho.

These past days I always had some fictional stories I really want to just spout out of my head. I’ll just do it later on.

Today is another day and another pooper.

Song: Pink Guy - Fried Noodles

[dynniel]

Day 1

June started out cloudy and May wasn't that hot either. I'm surprised since I live in California. It either gets hot, cold, or just both. I'm never the "hot" person because dealing with heat involves sweating which gets goddamn sticky on your own body. I'm actually ok with the cold because you can always prepare yourself to get warm after all. I'm ok with beaches too, I just CANT stand 110F weather. Hell no. I'm currently off school and work so I'm just vacationing at my own home. Playing video games and socializing. The idea of making a diary came from the fact that I don't write anything. I used to ramble a lot when I was in middle school and high school. I always had the skepticism of people reading what I write but now I don't even care who it is. Here we are now. Hello thank you for coming! Song of the day: Night Keepers - Colorful Voice

[dynniel]

Day 0

First of all, I don't expect people to read this. This URL is my online diary or journal whatever basically anyone can intrude and read it I don't care. If you happen to enjoy what I want to say. That's cool. There WILL be content that ends up being like a whole storytelling novel. I always get carried away when it comes to writing. Matter of fact, I'll do a about about me post soon.