dylemma

[dylemma]

To my children, Dylan and Emma ...

Today is February 18, 2016. Dylan you are 9 years and 3 months old. Emma you are 6 years and 11 months old. You two are asleep in your room.

As with most letters - something crazy has surely happened in mommy’s life which has led me to this point where I am sitting in my room (or really, wherever I choose) and I am telling you how to not be like me. So sad but true.  This has become a form of therapy for me.

I have made some choices in my life that I am not proud of - cheating on a man, then years later being the mistress myself. I’m not sure how I could feel no remorse for my actions - it makes me question even more about myself then I already am. I often get caught up in the lonely feelings at night that I go searching for what I think is love - in all the wrong places. There was a great time in my life where I spent time away from men and everything else and great things opened up for me - we were the closest we had ever been and I was the happiest I had ever been. I need to get back to that. I have to. Not only for myself but for you two. You two have always deserved the very best and I will give that to you. I am not worried about you two - you guys have had a wonderful childhood thus far and I know it will only continue but I want to be the best version of myself and maybe mommy will figure that out before I turn 30. We can hope, right? Haha.

As always -- I love you two very much. Thank you for saving me and completing my fairy tale.

[dylemma]

To my children, Dylan and Emma ..

Today is May 6, 2015. Dylan you are 8 years 6 months old. Emma you are 6 years 2 months old. You are both sleeping. In your own rooms. Well .. until around 2-3-or-4 in the morning when one (or both) of you will slip into my room .. 

I’m sad it’s been so long since I wrote you two. It’s been on my mind lately, so I wanted to send you a quick letter. 

It terrifies me that I’m your role model. It makes me question my every move .. but maybe that’s good, right? Maybe that’s what I need to do in order for us to have a good life and for me to teach you the right and wrong ways of doing things.  I think it’s so frightening because I know I don’t have ANYTHING figured out. I am 100% a work in progress .. and I know other mothers can probably say the same thing but it truly scares me that I’m slowly figuring out this thing called life while you two ride shotgun. 

I guess that’s all for now. I promise to write again real soon. I love you both more than you know. 

Love,

Mom

[dylemma]

Date night at B&N

[dylemma]

First day of school 2014!

[dylemma]

To my children, Dylan and Emma ..

Today is September 3, 2014. Dylan you are 7 years and 10 months old, Emma you are 5 years and 6 months old. You are both asleep -- I really don't need to add that anymore but I probably will continue to do so for the rest of my days. Hahaha. 

I haven't done this in a while .. far too long actually. 

"I'm only happy when I'm with you, home for me is where you are."  No truer words have been spoken .. in regards to you two. I think our bond has been incredibly strong since day one (and not because I'm your mother and we share that connection but because it's truly us against the world) yet it continues to strengthen day in and day out. 

Lately I have been reminded of past choices that I made that ultimately put us where we're at .. and while I don't regret stuff that happened I truly wished it had happened differently. I am grateful for what it taught me .. and it shoved me into becoming an amazing woman for you two little people. I am still improving and am only going to strive from here on out (largely because of you two pushing me).  They are choices that I thought were right at the time (hindsight is 20/20) but cost me a lot .. And some of the consequences didn't hit me right away.  Anyways -- when the time is right, I'll be more specific with you two in private. 

It's a silly quote but one that I recently started liking because it represents my mindset lately .. FINALLY, right? Haha. 

"I know what I bring to the table .. so trust me when I say I'm not afraid to eat alone."

I'm afraid that all of this brilliant wisdom I'm finally learning and sharing with you two in these letters will all go in one ear and out the other when you do read these .. only because I know you two will have to learn these life lessons all on your own. And it frightens me; I just hope I'm raising you in the right way that you two can make choices with little consequence .. as I'm sure most parents hope for. Growing up frightens me a lot actually. I feel like I'm running out of time to figure this parenting thing out .. while other times I feel like parenting is a mystery that you just don't ever figure out.  I hope I'm doing an ok job ... 

I love you two with every part of me but you already know this.  I hope you know JUST how full my life is with you two in it. How incredibly blessed I feel that somehow I was given you two as the best gifts ever. I don't even know how that managed to happen .. but I'm thanking Him everyday, even when it seems like I'm not. 

Love you mostest, 

Your mom

[dylemma]

[dylemma]

[dylemma]

[dylemma]

To my children, Dylan and Emma ..

Today is February 9, 2014. Dylan you are 7 years and 3 months old. Emma you are 4 years and 11 months old. You two are currently sleeping, oh so peacefully, in your rooms. (It's only a matter of time before I have two sneaky kids coming into my room). 

Shame on me for not writing sooner. It's been too long. 

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote. Many new adventures. People have come. People have gone. 

I urge you to listen closely and watch with your eyes wide open. 

I want THE very best for you guys .. just like other parents. I want you to really pay attention to the struggles of being a single parent. And sometimes a clueless single parent at that.  We talked about it today in the car and I told you both .. "You go to elementary school, then middle, then high school and then you'll go to college." I explained how you two can get the career you truly want, then you can save money and buy a house and a car .. 

Dylan - you just kept smiling from ear to ear at the mention of "house" and "car". I think you've seen first hand the struggle we've had to attain these important things. And how we still have yet to have a home we can forever call ours. (We finally got a car, though! Wooooo!) 

Sometimes I feel like my head is in the clouds .. that all I do is dream of a great future but still have yet to do anything to get us there.  And then sometimes I feel like every obstacle has been placed in my way and there's just no way around them.  Sometimes I feel really, really helpless. And sometimes I use every excuse I can. 

Anyways.  Learn from your mother, if nothing else! 

Be more aware of life around you.  And know that EVERYONE struggles in some form .. no one's life is perfect. (I have a very hard time thoroughly understanding that and carrying it with me from day to day.)

I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart.  I am never without it.  Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.

I love you, always.

Your Mom

[dylemma]

Pumpkin Patch beauties!

[dylemma]

[dylemma]

Beauty Queen and mommy.

[dylemma]

Our first day of vacation is going great! Had a 50s inspired lunch with grandpa and then went and saw Despicable Me 2 with Uncle Frankie & Aunt Donna.

[dylemma]

PS

Don't ever live in the ghetto.

Go to school. Get a career. THEN raise a family.

Find the house of your dreams in the neighborhood that is the best of the best.

I watch drug deals go on outside our windows all of the time. I am grateful you two aren't old enough to know what's going on .. but you soon will.

We're moving. I'm done with this place.

I want a better life for you two and I will give you that. I shouldn't have to fear that drugs are around my children at ages 4 and 6. That's just ridiculous.

I will give you all that you two deserve.

I love you.

[dylemma]

To my children, Dylan and Emma ..

Today is July 16, 2013. Dylan you are 6 years 8 months old. Emma you are 4 years 4 months old. It's nap time!

I have a journal that I keep with me. A physical journal (kinda like where these letters to you started) that I only write it when I'm in deep thought. It's really interesting to see how far I've come and how far I need to keep going .. but I found a quote that I wrote in my journal. The quote was so accurate for myself the night I wrote it .. and the more I think of it, the more I want to share it with you two.

"You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce." - Tony Gaskins

I have allowed people to treat me in ways that I didn't find acceptable and only just recently did I realize I could have stopped it. I could have respected myself enough more to know that I deserved better. I allowed these people to rule my life and make me feel like someone I was not. I want you two to realize that you can control your destiny. You can decide what you want in life and NOTHING can get in your way.

You have the power to keep amazing people around or push them away. You can do the same with toxic individuals as well. Just know that you have control. You have the ability to make things happen.

With that being said, make good choices. I'm sure you'll hear all about the "Rules, Choices, Consequences" that grandma brought us up with. (Grandma will probably draw this out for you when you enter your teen years. Just as a warning. Or maybe I will. Haha!) You have to know that every choice you make (whether you're making it for yourself or someone else) will affect more then one person.

Just know how much power you have.

You have the power to make good choices or not so good choices. You also have the power to control who enters and exits your life.

Know your worth and know that you deserve ONE hell of an awesome life and NO one can tell you any less.

I am forever your biggest fans!

I love you both.

Love, Your Mom

[dylemma]

My loves!

[dylemma]

I cherish these moments.