dygneunoia

[dygneunoia]

sometimes I will read for 3 hours at a stretch and sometimes I will not read anything off my shelf for 3 weeks straight, there is no in between.

[dygneunoia]

people say that idgaf. little that they know that i am broken inside. it’s just that i don’t express it well.

[dygneunoia]

i either read for hours or i don’t read anything for months and there’s no in between

[dygneunoia]

im the loudest and quietest person, it depends on who im with

[dygneunoia]

“Two things to remember in life: Take care of your thoughts when you are alone, and take care of your words when you are with people.”

— Zig Ziglar

[dygneunoia]

Assalamualaikum and hi. So I’ve decided to update here untuk yang bertanya ataupun tidak 😭 Sorry I terpaksa type sbb nak cakap pun tak berapa nak dan sekarang. I cerita sini terus sebab takut tak dan nak cerita sorang sorang apa jadi.

Alhamdulillah I dah discharged semalam after 6 days 5 nights warded. I kena warded dekat hospital serdang. Actually cerita dia macam ni. I dah start batuk lama dah since 5th November, dah sebulan lebih batuk. I’ve been to clinic swasta twice, (before and after covid) and dorang cakap takda apa. maybe sebab radang je. bagi ubat mcm biasa, I dah habis dua botol ubat batuk but takde effect. In fact, makin teruk batuk I.

Then dah tak tahan I went to Klinik Kesihatan kat Putrajaya. Time tu dorang minta buat xray, blood test and collect sample kahak nak tgk ada infection or apa apa. I sangat sangat tak larat I cakap, batuk ni penat sangat2. I batuk non stop, every night tak tidur. tidur pun kejap kejap. + I selsema and hidung tersumbat. so 100% nafas ikut mulut. Teruk sangat, kalau boleh tak nak ingat. I pergi KK tu hari Jumaat, I minta MC for two days, jumaat and sabtu sebab I bebetul tak larat nak kerja on Saturday tu. but doctor tu tak bagi. Dia kata sehari je, Jumaat. So saturday tu I kena kerja.

and this is all where it started. Body I dah rasa tak sedap, I jalan pun nafas I tak cukup. Since pagi, I rasa macam lain, tapi I gagahkan diri jugak pergi kerja. I just fikir okay takda apa. I jalan from parking mrt ke train tu I rasa penat. tapi masih boleh jalan. I sampai mrt trx jalan pergi office I dah start mengah. so I jalan slow slow (that explains why I masuk 9.15am). kat office I duduk nafas okay lagi. but when I start walking nak pergi toilet, I mengah sangat. I susah nak nafas. tapi I keep on jalan and ignore. I tried to tell my colleague I sesak nafas tp I tak tahu nak cakap mcm mana. Like how serious it is. So I ignore the whole day tu. Sampai la time nak balik, nak pergi kereta afiqah which I kena cross jalan semua. Sampai je kereta Afiqah I sesak nafas. Padahal jalan mcm biasa je hari hari you jalan. sama je. tapi I tak cukup nafas dah mcm baru lepas berlari 200m. Afiqah siap nak hantar kajang lagi time tu. Tapi I try jugak slow slow I taknak susahkan I tnggu smpai I relax, then afiqah drop I kat mrt. The whole journey dalam mrt tu mmg penat, tak tahu nak describe mcm mana. I penat sgt. Sampai mrt kajang I kena jalan pergi kat kereta mmg slow gila babi I jalan sbb penat. then I rest dlm kereta about 10mins baru I gerak balik. Masa gerak balik tu mmg non stop batuk. kat office pun boleh cakap non stop batuk.

Orang emergency check jantung, buat swab, amik darah semua. Cam biasa dorang tanya la apa jadi semua then dorang check lung, dorang kata very tight, and decided bagi I nebuliser and oxygen. Oxygen I very low at that time, 90 tak silap. Kat emergency 4 doctor check I, empat empat cakap lung I ketat sangat and kenapa tak datang terus masa kejadian. I kata I kerja (mmg minta kena maki). Dorang check kaki semua guna machine tgk ada bengkak mana mana ke apa semua, mmg lama gila kat situ. I pakai nebuliser tu dalam 4 ke 5 kali, still tight. doctor dah start jem dah. then doctor kata nak buat xray semua because dorang pun tak tahu sebab kenapa. Sebab I pun takda asthma. So malam tu I buat xray.

So long story short, I duduk one night kat emergency, I time tu dah okay sikit since dah dapat neb and oxygen. so I boleh bernafas sikit but still sesak. Then, doctor cakap, I kena stay sini bcs most probably I kena warded, I tak boleh balik without oxygen ni. So dia suruh mak I semua balik dulu apa apa dorang call. I nak jalan pergi kencing pun tak boleh, I kena pakai tiub tu because dorang tak bagi jalan langsung. Tbh that’s better sbb I pun tak rasa I boleh jalan. and if some of you guys are wondering, pakai tiub tu tak sakit, haha.

So malam tu I mmg takleh tidur, kejap kejap je sbb ye la sesak kan, but thank god dah ada oxygen so lega la sikit. The next morning ahad tu dalam 5am mcm tu dorang tolak katil I kat satu area ni. still emergency punya area tapi yang untuk tunggu katil yang available. Skrg ni takda katil so I kena tunggu. Kat situ paling I tak suka, mcm mcm orang and penyakit kat situ. orang muntah2, orang masuk kepala berbalut, mcm mcm la. Trauma kejap. So dalam pukul 2 lebih camtu dah ada katil available untuk I, then I kena transfer ward around 3 mcm tu.

Ya Allah time tu mmg I rasa bersyukur gila sebab selesa la sikit, luas and katil pun selesa sikit. Better la, tenang pun tenang. I kena pakai oxygen tu 24 hours, nebuliser ada timing dia. batuk jangan cakap mmg non stop sama je. Since I baru masuk ward doctor tak prescribe any medicine lagi so first night tu mmg mcm hell sikit sampai I merayu kat nurse at least bagi ubat batuk. Start pukul 11pm sampai 4am I tak stop batuk. 4am baru nurse bagi sbb doctor baru kata boleh. nurse pun kesian dia kata “berbuih dah mulut akak bgtau doctor tp kena tunggu kejap doc tak decide lagi.”

The main key mmg kena sabar. Tak sabar mmg mampus lah kau kat situ haha. So bila dapat ubat tu baru better sikit. ubat batuk ni dah jadi mcm morning drink dah. orang minum coffee aku minum ubat batuk. Nafas I still sempit everytime doctor check mmg “still tak okay.”

Tbh I tak expect I kena warded lama. I sendiri tak tahu I teruk mcm tu. After dah dapat result xray, they diagnosed me with Post- Covid Bronchitis. Xray I mmg ada infection, but time tu tak sure yet berapa percentage dia. Tapi dah start la bagi I ubat semua. Every now and then check darah, oxygen, bp semua. Alhamdulillah dah 3 hari I rasa better, batuk I pun kurang. I batuk malam tu dah tak sangat, kadang pagi pagi je mcm pukul 1 cantu. tapi better la I can say. I boleh tidur, punya la lena I tidur ada oxygen tu. Mmg rasa mcm dunia ni aku punya la bila pakai oxygen tu hahahaha.

Ubat every morning dalam 10 pil i kena makan, ngan ubat batuk, 15-20ml. nak muntah rasa tapi nak sihat kan, telan je la. Hari ke-3 I dah boleh off drip, time ni mmg bersyukur sbb drip tu mmg punca tangan bengkak. first drip kat tangan kiri, bengkak then pindah dekat right arm, then bengkak jugak so doctor bagi off drip. Oxygen I masih tak boleh off time tu, I try off sejam, badan menggigil, dada sakit. then doctor suruh pakai balik. Tak lama I happy dapat off drip I dah kena pasang drip baru, for CT SCAN.

sakit dia tuhan je yang tahu. I kena buat ct scan yang masuk machine bulat tu, untuk check I punya lung. they want to make sure, infection I tu teruk tahap mana semua. So I kena puasa, I can’t eat or drink about 4 hours for CT Scan tu. Malam tu juga I buat, the process tu okay je yang sakit tu bila nak connect tube drip tu. dia tekan jarum tu ya Allah sakit gila.

Tangan mmg menitik darah, punya la sakit. and lepas tu I kena makan semua tangan kiri. Tangan kanan yg kena drip tu takleh guna sangat dah. So the next morning doctor buat round.

Doctor cakap infection I bawah 50%, which is 49% and considered mild. Ini yang I dan orang lain kena faham. Doctor cakap I dah tak boleh nak expect body I macam dulu. Previously I batuk lama sangat mmg dah ada infection, but dapat lagi covid bendatu make it worse. Doctor kata if before this you boleh lari 200m, now maybe 100m je. Lung belah bawah I ni dah kecut so I kena buat deep breathing exercise everyday every hour to expand balik lung tu. For 6months plus, tak boleh jalan banyak, and maybe I akan continue batuk, tak boleh buatpa just kena makan ubat. Doctor pun suggest elak tempat yang boleh exposed I asap habuk semua tu which is kalau boleh drive je pergi kerja. And dia cakap I akan cepat penat and letih. Tapi if I rasa lagi penat dari yang I rasa skrg, cepat2 pergi hospital because the doctor pun tak sure bila infection ni boleh hilang.

Hari kelima, I dah start on off oxygen. Alhamdulillah I dah boleh nafas, dada still sakit sempit, but better. Tidur pun boleh without oxygen. So hari keenam, doctor bagi I discharge.

and that’s that. that is why after discharge doctor kena bagi I MC seminggu, nak tgk I boleh survive and adapt tak. I kena pakai inhaler pagi and malam, deep breathing exercise every two hours. So far, I rasa okay. I punya dada masih sempit, but bearable. I tak boleh nak cakap banyak, rasa penat. for those yang tanya, yang call, yang doakan, thank you sangat. Sorry kalau I tak update or bagitau sebab I mmg tak larat nak update sorang2 time tu. Thank you sebab faham.

Hopefully semua boleh faham if after this I dah tak se-energetic or hyper mcm dulu. I’ll try my best, but I hope you guys understand juga.

and please please if orang tengah sakit don’t say things like “best nya boleh cuti lama” “best nya tak payah kerja” “bestnya boleh rest” Allahu. Sedihnya la bila dengar bendatu. I tak perlu pun explain why. Orang tengah sakit, tgh struggle to live, how could you say that? I tak nak pun cuti lama tu, I nak feel normal again. You boleh doakan banyak benda but you choose to say that. You tak tahu pun apa orang tu tengah go thru. I selama I kena warded I tengok story orang, best nya dia boleh makan apa dia nak, boleh jalan jalan. tapi kita fikir, ujian orang lain lain. boleh jadi kita tengok dia happy makan macam2 tapi senanya dia tgh struggle. we never know. so please, instead of cakap benda benda mcm tu, kita doa la baik baik untuk orang. Thank you again untuk yang mendoakan saya. and I’m so sorry I terkasar ke apa. btw I akan masuk kerja on 31st. Sumpah rindu nak kerja 😭

[dygneunoia]

bittersweet december

hey peeps guess what I had a wonderful december this year!

why let’s see 1st of december I was diagnosed with covid, so I was in a quarantine for a week. Then my cough is getting worse day by day so marks today 18th december I was diagnosed with post covid bronchitis and I’m now currently warded for I don’t know how long. yesterday was horrible! I can’t even walk to the washroom because I have chest discomfort and shortness of breath. I can’t breathe guys fgs! I walked to my friend’s car and suddenly I can’t catch my breath I feel stuffy in my chest and I was in so much pain. I have to wait for like 5 to 10 minutes to catch my breath and feel normal again.

after I got home I cried a lot because it’s so frustrating I am in so much pain why the clinics all saying that it’s nothing! I just want them to give me the nebuliser (AT LEAST) so my brother took me to the hospital emergency and guess what they took me in OH MY GOODNESS AT LAST someone discovered something! They say my lung feel very tight I am not sure but I know that’s not a good thing. They let me stay at the emergency for one night (Saturday) and transferred me to the “waiting list” area to wait for available bed at the ward.

I was transferred on Sunday at 5am to the waiting list area and warded at 3pm, I can say that’s not too bad for a government hospital. I hate staying at the waiting list area it’s so noisy there and there’s a lot of people and things going on I just can’t sleep and it was very uncomfortable. Thank god I got warded at least I got a nice bed, it’s very spacious and my bed is located next to the window so there’s no one on my right side.

Now I feel comfortable but still I miss my home and my mom!!!! talking about mom, thank you very much mommy you’re the best!!! She brought me food, charger, everything that I need, she stayed here for quite some times and she’s gonna visit me again tomorrow! thank god we have grab car and all it’s very convenient for my mom to travel since she can no longer drive. SEE MY MOM’S EFFORT GUYS. + my brother too he drove so fast to get me to the emergency and sometimes he fetches my mom back and forth from his home to our home to the hospital to our home and finally his home. LOOK AGAIN AT THE EFFORT GUYS.

thank you so much. I love y’all! ❤️

[dygneunoia]

25.

I just turned 25 yesterday. thank you for all the lovely wishes and prayers -which you have no idea, I really needed it!

someone asked me what it feels like turning 25. actually at this age, I started to get concerned about my health and I just want to be healthy. again.

I have a severe sinusitis, which always leads to migraine/ headache, nausea, cough and sore throat. and recently I found out that I have anemia; low red blood cells -fatigue, headache/ lightheadedness, irregular heartbeats and weak. well that explains why I always feel tired and weak everyday even though I take supplements.

I don’t really know how to describe my feelings but what I can say is I am really tired, everyday. I don’t have the same energy like everyone, and that part is very hard to explain. Imagine coming to work with a blocked nose (hard to breathe), headache and nausea every single day and I always try to distract myself with work so that I won’t feel sick. I feel like vomiting especially after lunch like I don’t even know why it happens every day and I’m sick of it.

I would sleep at 10pm every night and I will woke up at 2 or 3am (like right now) because of the sinus. like my nose is blocked and I have to like tilt my head downwards so that I can breathe. I can say that most of the times I breathe through my mouth and my mouth can be very dry the next morning and it worsened my sore throat. I don’t get enough sleep and I have to eat like 5 to 6 tablets of medicine everyday.

sometimes I feel envy for those people who has a strong antibody. I mean if I have that, I would really appreciate it. and medicine is so expensive I spent almost like RM 300 monthly just for my medicine- including supplements.

so what I am trying to say here, I really appreciate for all the prayers; good health, ease my everyday life, like I needed that. I’m so tired and honestly I have a hard time trying to be strong. oh God please give me the strength.

so for this birthday I wish that I will get better day by day, have a good health and strength to go through my daily life.

happy birthday dear self.

[dygneunoia]

how far #1

working life, has been great. I can’t ask for more.

well the purpose is I just want this to stay here so that when I look back, I will know what I have achieved plus so that I will appreciate life more in future.

I feel thankful to some of my colleagues for helping me throughout my new journey here especially hafis, nina, nadzmi, alip, shadiq, mael, haziq, dato, and my partner in crime, afiqah. oh and the qas as well. I know this can be very cringe and cliche but without them, yeah you know what I’m gonna say next ha ha.

I think it’s been four months since RTO and I kinda feel like I can adapt with the new environment. The crazies, zu amir dinie shu tasya (+ all the names above) oh not to forget aliah and nafisatun too; actually they make it easier for me to adapt. I do feel happy when I’m going to work despite the traffic jam, crowded people at mrt, I still feel happy. ha ha ha

alhamdulillah for everything. last month (october) is the first time that I have no internal errors. I mean, for the whole month, no errors!! and my score is pretty good too, alhamdulillah. This might be like a small matter to certain people but for me, it’s kind of a big achievement I can say? I tend to make stupid mistakes previously, careless and all so when this happens, I know I am improving. I don’t stay in the same place anymore. You know you put a lot of efforts by asking people, learn things on your own and stay focus. I go to work every day hoping that I won’t make a silly mistake again because that can be very frustrating like you just can’t turn back time to fix your mistake. you know what I mean.

I hope I can improve more and more in future, that is why Imma keep this here, to see how far I go as time passes. Till then. 

[dygneunoia]

anti hero.

calling out for november babies!

hey guys it’s been two months since I last update about my life. as usual, my life has been so great except for the stupedo traffics every tuesday and friday. other than that, all good :)

let me update about the guy that I talked to (august post).

well he is nice but at some point I already expected that this would happen. first let me tell you guys that I really am a bad texter. Like if you text me in the morning I might reply it maybe three to four hours later? and I don’t really know how to text...? I mean if you talk to me in real life I can handle the conversation but through text? with someone you just know? maybe not. for me at least.

he said that I don’t give the same energy like he did, and yes I admit that. That’s because I woke up at 6 in the morning, go to work and come back at 8pm every single day. sometimes I fell asleep while texting him. that happened quite often but bro I really am sleepy and tired. I am interested in him but I don’t really have the energy I just want to sleep. That’s my side of story but I won’t blame him.

I tried to be in his position and I think I will give up too. I only text him at lunch and sometimes at night before I fell asleep. I always left him hanging and reply on the next day bro what the actual f I really feel I am the problem while writing this. lol

long story short, he ghosted me. I said that I am sorry for everything and I respect his decision. It’s kind of frustrating because I do like him it’s just that I have no idea how to commit. I feel damn tired as I arrived home every day and all I can think is, sleep.

but my friends said that if he does like you, he won’t give up too early. maybe that’s true but maybe people just don’t want to waste their time. right. because I would do the same too. well but this does not affect me too much, as I realized that I am not that ready to go through all the talking stages. I really have to find someone that knows me well enough and can understand my life routine so that I don’t have to say sorry every time I fell asleep lol.

and that’s that. nice to know you A, please know that I’m not blaming you because it’s me,hi! I’m the problem it’s me :)

[dygneunoia]

Watch me take a book out with me but not to read it. only to have it as some form of comfort, a personal gravity, something that keeps me grounded like some little child with their favorite blanket

[dygneunoia]

im the loudest and quietest person, it depends on who im with

[dygneunoia]

Me losing respect for you is far worst than me being mad at you.

[dygneunoia]

i either read for hours or i don’t read anything for months and there’s no in between

[dygneunoia]

[dygneunoia]

Gorgeous gorgeous girls are anti romantics irl with a shelf full of romance books

[dygneunoia]

I don't have "trust" issues. I have "I've see this before and I know how it ends" issues.