dust-the-unknown-blog - Tumblr blog

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

Hard to breathe https://www.instagram.com/p/CA7FQNbAPSXdjzYv9ZBILqCiTfgHYlYL58itYk0/?igshid=13cglsvz5yq44

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

"Time is ticking" . . . . . . . . . #vent #art #ventart #timeisticking #darkart https://www.instagram.com/p/CAk3h35g0Gos5CKVQ-uBhOwKf_ZYbIZIgiCVqA0/?igshid=qyk8cewtjj2q

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

2019-09-18

It's heartbreaking for me... To get thoughts and imaginations of how my relationship can go wrong... Just now I just got a sudden imagination of him cheating on me... And enjoying it.... Tbh... It'd hurt me beyond repair... It'd make me loose all hope of a better future... He has already dragged me into the dirt, leaving scares... I don't want it anymore... I can't take anymore... Idk... But... If he hurts me way more than he has done.... I just might.... Take my life away.... What other hope do I have left?... Friendships.... But how could that work if I'm constantly down, bringing them down and third wheeling to everything.... It'd be better to just give up completely...

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

2019-09-17

Nowadays that ma and dad knows that I'm depressed they don't show nor care... They keep on yelling, they keep on bothering and they keep on not allowing me to have rest... It's awful... And nowadays I just want to end it all...

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

snow..

It’s snowing...

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

Truth...

A friend told me that i seemed to like being abused because i didn’t want to help myself... The thing is... I’m terrified of the of what comes next, i don’t want to be trapped in drama with my own stubborn mother and yes... a tiny part of me like the abuse... It loves to be broken, destroyed and to have something wrong with. My mind is a twisted place!... and i can’t help it... the demons won’t let me go so easily... nor do they make me feel like i don’t need them... i’m too attached to my demons and my past...

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

Going up and down

These past weeks i’ve eaten at 5am and then i’ve waited until 6 or 7pm to eat again.

Ever since a week without something to put on sandwishes, i stopped bringing them to school. At the same week i didn’t eat anything when coming back home. But after that week, i got to see that we did have stuff to put on sandwishes like liverwurst and ham. But still i didn’t bring any sandwishes just because i didn’t feel right on the beginging of the week. My body has gotten used to this now. Eating in the morning at 5am, waiting and fighting against my desires of snacks and finally getting home and eat dinner. And then after i that i eat my snacks.

All i eat on the school days are 2 toasts in the morning, one portion of food in the evning and after dinner apple slices and nuts together with a drink. And on the weekends i eat regularly, in the morning, noon and evning.

Every time of this i feel good after my snacks in the evning and sometimes blouted cause of how much food i eat at certain times.

My original weight was 52,6kg but now i’m going up and down, from 50kg to 53kg. Do i have a problem? yes, i do think so

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

I. Can’t. Do. It.

I can’t do it!.... I can’t!.... I’ll fail!... I’ll fail!........... I’ll fail my math test...... I can’t do anything about it........ I just.... can’t.....

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

An anxious kid

Before stepping a foot inside the room, a wave of anxiety overwhelmed me... I pretended to check a text on my phone while leaving the corridor.... There’s too many ppl, too many strangers..... I can’t........ I’ll fail......

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

demons....

they talk....

they reapet....

they lie......

dark thoughts.....

suicidal thoughts......

it echoes in my head.....

giving me a never ending headache......

and....

i gave in......

i........wasn’t strong enough.........

I’m sorry......

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

my fault.....

broke a promise.......

get’s punished.........

no one to vent to........

no one to talk to........

in the end.... it returned to the begining........

from the same day from last year.....

a heart carved into flesh.....

now....

a hopeless wreck......

and everything is......

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

..no more... https://www.instagram.com/p/BopMh6enP9IvZMm861joy0h7bbSwgoohMf8Ui40/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=j5k5k2s3xmz2

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

Follow through?

Right now, this day..... I don’t like it.... My love..is emotionless right now..... It does break my heart... But.....it scares me.......why don’t I bother..........Why doesn’t I feel as sad as I used to?..... have I given up with my emotions?.... proabably....... I’ve already said to myself that I’ve given up....... Follow through?

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

I’m so happy i didn’t do it

Feeling suicidal, having the oppertunity to do it.... But resists the urge and then later on.... crying with happy tears, feeling loved.... Happy that you resisted the urge to kill yourself...

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

A positive vent

*sigh* I may say that I hate life.. And I do but only sometimes... Most of the times...... But there’s always someone in my life that changes my thoughts of life... My friends.. They’re the family i never and wanted to have. My love... is the one i can freely talk to ^w^ And I love it <3

Promises, that’s a thing I don’t like but I and others keep on having them... I promised that I won’t leave the world just because of him... and i guess my friends too... And I promised my friends to never be a part and I’m going to keep those promises

[dust-the-unknown-blog]

A non sent message to my love

....Is it possible to hate yourself so much that you just don’t want be a bother to anyone?.... That you don’t want to be bothering the people who cares about you by just being there...... That you might begin to think that they don’t need you.... Is it possible to hate yourself so much that you just don’t want to be you anymore?....... Judging yourself all the time, seeing you in another person’s perspective and just think bad about yourself..........................Is it selfish of me to talk about myself so often?..... I’m......Sorry..........if that’s so............I can hide my negativity........... kepping it inside...... making myself suffer in silence...... Nobody would have to know..... nobody whould have to care..... like those old days..........................If you want to, you could ignore me.............................. like Colin..........................