dunmeriis

[dunmeriis]

It is the teachings of Lord Seht that through tearing down the imperfect, we can revise, we can rebuild, improving upon previous faults. 

Why, then, am I so terrified of allowing myself to tear this apart? 

I write as my thoughts come to me in an effort to slow their flow.

Do I not trust myself to be able to recover, to rebuild? Does the process seem too harrowing, too much? Maybe it is both. If I cannot even trust myself to bleed my own woes, I hardly think I can place the task upon the same mer of willingly crumbling in entirety.

Maybe it is the lack of stability that would result. When one is lost to treacherous sea for so long, finding respite is not something to be picky over. Yet, I seem to have chosen a boat riddled with holes. It is sinking, and in my fear of being cast adrift, I’ve clung to it despite it’s threats to drown me alive. 

Maybe it is the feeling of being un-whole that would surely grow tenfold should I finally let myself come to pieces. 

I am undoubtedly terrified of what lies ahead. I am terrified of this overwhelming uncertainty and evidently, of some buried part of myself... And I know it’s stupid to think I can hold this collapse at bay forever. I pray that I can make it, and remember the teachings that guide me so when I need them most.

ALMSIVI grant mercy.

ALMSIVI grant mystery.

ALMSIVI grant mastery.

[dunmeriis]

Ah. There it was.

Things had been going too smoothly, anyways. Too good. It was all too good. 

It was inevitable, regardless. They couldn't actively pursue everything that they needed to at once. Maybe they were on top of it at first. and it seemed easy-going. Maybe even got into a rhythm. But somewhere along the way something changed. The fires piled up, the loads got heavier, and the stress shut them down. Active became passive, hoping to maybe just wait, weather the storm and coast along through, like riding a startled guar back to calm.

But the longer it went on, the worse it got. It was gradual. Incredibly gradual. A skipped prayer every fourth or fifth day when they simply didn't have the heart n'or energy to utter litanies to empty winds, empty altars, empty offerings. Empty, empty, empty. Of course it was empty. It was finding manners in which to refill the emptiness that posed fruitless. 

In its own way, the days with energy were worse than the days without. Sometimes it was simply because it was fleeting, that it had to be carefully measured and doled out as one would desert water-rations, that the choice had to be made between changing the linens or clearing the plates. Other times, it was because it was an unshakeable listlessness, a nag at the back of the mind that invariably kept them from rest for days, until they saw scarabs and fetcherflies from the corners of their vison and their hands finally shook too hard to steadily work with. 

They inhaled thick smoke and exhaled a trembling, voiceless sigh. Yes, there it was. The point where it came crashing down from above. The filter, the reservations, they fell away as quickly as the walls holding back months of unspoken stress and burden, some so deeply buried that they had never been noticed until they painfully wrested themselves from the deepest pits of their chest.

Yet, perhaps worst of all, when they finally felt screams and sobs welled up at the pit of their throat, when they felt their very soul aching to cry and allow themselves this one, momentary weakness, they'd already lost the energy to be able to. Or perhaps they were just delaying the inevitable again, as they shut themselves out from the world and drifted into a fitful, restless rest.

[dunmeriis]

I tore out my heart and replaced it with something mechanical and ticking

[dunmeriis]

friendly reminder tumblr’s activity page is back in the dark ages of tumblr, before activity was a thing and we all had to rely on the notes of our previous replies. please do, DO TELL YOUR RP PARTNER WHEN YOU REPLIED WITH A LINK IF NECESSARY. at least until they repair the activity page.

[dunmeriis]

(( So, serious question– Drop a reply in this post if you’d like to drop/continue any old threads we had, or a like if you want to plot something new out. I’ve been gone for ages, so I won’t hold anything against you for dropping <3 ))

[dunmeriis]

“I suppose you would know, huh?” Drelethyn nodded toward Drelayn’s prosthetic hand as they walked along. “I’ll bet you get countless questions about that. Well, good for you that you’ve got the patience to stomach them. Despite my best efforts, I still find it to be more trouble than it’s worth much of the time. But I guess that’s what I get for publishing books on the matter in the first place. Singled myself out there.” 

They were drawing near Drelethyn’s apartment now. He led Drelayn up the stone steps, where he paused to unlock the wooden gate to the courtyard. There was a larger, shared entrance to the apartment, but he tended to prefer this one for privacy’s sake. 

The courtyard was empty aside from the flora that was supposed to be there.

“They’re probably inside. Follow me,” Drelethyn said. Crossing to the front door, he entered the apartment, holding the door open behind him for Drelayn. As he climbed the steps up to the apartment, he called up. “Oi, Tobias, you alive up there?”

“Yes,” came the somewhat muffled reply. 

“I suppose that is a bit short sighted, if I’m to be honest,” he said, a faint smile of amusement at the edges of his mouth. He crossed into the courtyard just after Drelethyn. Immediately, his attention was caught by a cursory glance over the surroundings and atmosphere of the locale. As he wandered in behind, he added with a slightly more thoughtful tone, “Though, I can’t fault you for wanting some quiet, no?” 

It was true. While he considered the sharing of knowledge something of a duty, nobody could expect one to be at the constant and unconditional beck and call of another for it.

Upstairs, Nchuth had (for the time being) sated her curiosity and placed herself squarely atop the nearest vantage point from which she could best see the room. She’d been docile enough in the strange company- stepped-on toes being the worst of concerns, really, -but no sooner had the duo entered the courtyard would she be up on her feet again, skittering and weaving between Tobias’ feet with all the zeal and grace of a runaway Bantam Guar.

“...If she’s broken anything, believe me, I’ll pay the damages,” fretted Drelayn. He peeled his attention back to the door, and stepped in with a small nod of acknowledgement. "As I’ve said, she means no harm, but I’m sure we both know the havoc a brass spider can wreak if it’s been startled.”

[dunmeriis]

Your turn! ◭ for how Drelayn acts with either Mychen or Drelethyn.

Send me a ◭ and I’ll tell you something my character does or would likely do around yours that is unique or specialized to their interactions. [Accepting!]

Around Drelethyn, Drelayn is likely to speak more freely in general, and let his mental tangents carry with a little less reservation. For one, he knows Drelethyn would more easily catch on to an attempt at holding his tongue, and the last thing he’d like to come off as is that he’s hiding something- Because when you’re in the company of someone who knows what’s going on, it’s incredibly liberating to be able to simply speak your mind as it comes. And for second, it’s doubly liberating to do so with ideas when you know the other party might bounce them back and forth instead of staring blankly.

As for Mychen-Zel, it’s partially a matter of letting himself fall into the comfort of routine and the ‘natural instinct’ of his fabricant nature, and dropping the façade of normalcy in a similar manner of a neurodivergent person trying to pass as neurotypical for long periods- Which is, in essence, exactly what it is. And in a similar vein, allowing himself to speak (more) freely on the things he notices and senses, go into detail that others would find unsettling-- And ask about it, because for once, he doesn’t have the strangest sense of perception in the room. It’s not even entirely conscious- Something about being near Mychen just drops the filter, as it would around other fabricants/transicants, and Nchuth.

[dunmeriis]

[dunmeriis]

[ Sorry, something went wrong when I posted the original ask. ]

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

Nchuanamz deals with an expected dose of survivors guilt. What she feels ‘most’ guilty about, however, fluctuates depending on circumstance and the time, as it does when you live for as long as she has. Cor’s death and the subsequent scattering of her followers tends to rank among the highest, even though she knows that not only did she have no control over them, but that those events are likely responsible for her and a handful of others surviving the Numidium’s activation. 

There are also times she feels guilty for deceiving and hiding things from others, whether it be about her nature as a Dwemer, or her knowledge of Tonal Architecture- The latter often making her feel like a hypocrite, as some of her last words to Yagrum Bagarn before they split ways were to ask him, “What is knowledge for, if not to better those around us with it?” 

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

Surface-level fear: Nchuanamz has an awful fear of drowning or suffocating. 

Repressed fear: Her intolerance to magicka will cause her to be unable to protect or assist a friend, ally or loved one. 

Deep dark fear: Everything she’s done has been for nothing, has been futile, and all she’s worked to achieve and do will end in ashes. 

8. Do they have anything that triggers them?

Surprisingly, no. Not in the psychological sense, at least. Magicka and her have never gotten along well, the resulting headaches and collapsing have been the cause of many issues throughout her life.

11. Do they have any vices?

Nchuanamz finds it difficult to swallow her pride and admit when she has been wrong, and she can hold a grudge for a long time as a result. 

15. Who do they hate the most?

Hate is a strong word. For a long time, she resented Lorkhan for his hand in the Dwemer’s disappearance and the corruption of an old friend and person she had looked up to, but then later turned that resentment onto them. That person would be Kagrenac, who also led to Cor’s death.

She doesn’t know enough about that conflict to understand its intricacies, but eventually gave up in a decision that they had both been responsible, feeding into each other. 

She continues to hold a half-hearted grudge against Yagrum, likely only out of stubbornness at this point, and in part, a fear that he does not forgive her. 

Generally speaking, however, it is very, very hard for Nchuanamz to truly hate someone that isn’t a largely-intangible et’Ada.

[dunmeriis]

(( So, serious question-- Drop a reply in this post if you’d like to drop/continue any old threads we had, or a like if you want to plot something new out. I’ve been gone for ages, so I won’t hold anything against you for dropping <3 ))

[dunmeriis]

People act ever so slightly differently depending on who they are around. Send me a ◭ and I'll tell you something my character does or would likely do around yours that is unique or specialized to their interactions.

[dunmeriis]

◭ for Drelayn - Maybe for both Drelethyn and Mychen-Zel? ( I'm sorry I lost my password to Dunmeriis :( )

From this prompt (accepting!)

Drelethyn likely acts more authentic around Drelayn than he does others. Not that he’s being deceiving to most people, but there are certain things that are a huge presence in Drelethyn’s life that he can’t tell anyone else about; namely the “I resurrected god and now am somewhat responsible for keeping him alive and helping him keep the Mundus working” part, with all the mind-turning metaphysical knowledge that comes with it. Considering what and who Drelayn is, the fact that Drelethyn is involved in all of this doesn’t stay a secret for very long; but again, considering what and who Drelayn is, Drelayn isn’t someone that Drelethyn would be concerned about being endangered due to this knowledge. For Drelethyn, it’s nice to talk to someone who likewise knows What’s Going On. It’s a lot to shoulder on your own.

As for Mychen-Zel, he probably doesn’t bother to speak to Drelayn verbally, instead opting for the rapid communication of clicks and whirrs that constitutes for the animunculus’ “native” language; considering this form of speech relays far more information in far less amount of time than verbal speech does, and takes less concentration on Mychen-Zel’s part, he prefers to use it when he can get away with it. Mychen-Zel also has a tendency to, when speaking authentically, refer to his body - to the Lkmidium - as a tool rather than as an actual part of himself, as well as completely not bothering to hide the fact that he is an animunculus. He’ll do this around Drelethyn, and probably does it around Drelayn as well considering that Drelayn would both understand and to a certain degree, perhaps relate.

[dunmeriis]

(( I’M BACK BITCHES ))

[dunmeriis]

This is how I imagine Dagoth Ur might look in the Nerevarine’s dreams; before the sinewy, cadaverous god is revealed.

Art by atananuk

[dunmeriis]

Giveaway prize for @dunmeritude, I hope you like it! ♥

[dunmeriis]

50 “Not so Nice” OC or FR Asks

List your OCs in the tags or link your lair so that people can ask you!

1. What is one word to shut them up?

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced?

4. Describe their worst nightmare.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick?

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves?

8. Do they have anything that triggers them?

9. What is their greatest physical weakness?

10. What is their greatest mental weakness?

11. Do they have any vices?

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it?

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them?

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… )?

15. Who do they hate the most?

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior?

17. What sound always gives them a headache?

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them?

19. Do they consider themselves ugly?

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable?

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety?

22. Do they have any mental illnesses?

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped?

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped?

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust?

26. Have they ever been seriously injured?

27. How many times have they been in the hospital?

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them?

29. Does what they cannot see scare them?

30. Have they ever been bullied?

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues?

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents?

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well?

34. Have they ever self harmed?

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them?

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away?

38. Have they ever been imprisoned?

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do?

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems?

41. Do they get sick often?

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life?

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts?

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience?

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide?

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide?

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill?

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through.

50. Create your own!

[dunmeriis]

2, 5, 38 and 39 for vier?

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

The death of a certain, close friend of theirs, who was unaware of Vier’s affiliations and continued duty as an Armiger. He was found dead in his own home after a then-unknown pursuing party tried to interrogate him regarding Vier’s whereabouts and activities.

They’re torn over whether they should have told him or not, and put that burden on him, and even though a part of them knows that the plausible deniability they had was the best course of action, the mere fact that their tie to him was enough to get him killed eats them, a lot.

Vier still wishes they could have done something, even though it’s been several decades since.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

Surface fear: Open water- Vier does not fare well at sea.

Repressed fear: The nagging fear and paranoia that the tribunal has not been answering their prayers after all, and any results at all have either been ‘coincidential,’ or the product of their slowly-dwindling sanity.

Deep Dark Fear: Being forgotten, leaving no imprint, no mark on the world around them- the inevitability that that will, one day happen, when their name is spoken for the last time, when they are thought of for the last time, and the results of their actions fade first into nameless ‘someone’, and then to dust.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned?

A few times, for anything ranging from misconduct to thievery to murder, the last of which they broke out from. As a result of all that… Vier isn’t welcome iiiin… four different holds of Skyrim, and several parts of Cyrodiil.

Amazingly they’re never arrested for any sort of heresy- not by the temple, at least. They did get in trouble in Falkreath once, because someone thought they were performing necromancy. They’d have you know that they were simply communing with an ancestor spirit, thank you very much.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do?

While Vier has, technically, at some point, actually done mot of the things they’ve been accused of doing, there’ve been times it’s been a false accusation in that particular situation, whether it’s being falsely fingered as a pickpocket, or a straight-up wrongful accusation of murder.