dumspirosparrow

[dumspirosparrow]

6/14/22

I had a really good day today! Learning how to lean into the manager role has been hard because of my imposter syndrome but I realized that I don't need to be scared of things I know how to do just because now I'm doing them as a "supervisor". I felt very competent today and I got to wear a bunch of different hats, so to speak. I love when I get to do a bunch of different things. I'm getting back on my groove and I'm going to have another good day tomorrow, it's been decided haha!

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6/5/22

Can't sleep tonight, think I'll kill the time until work starts with some productive things. I already started a load of laundry and I've been crocheting, now I'm trying to identify things I like in a job.

Meaning or purpose: I like feeling like I'm contributing to a greater good or filling a need. This is of medium importance.

Compensation: While I'm the highest compensated I've ever been, I still live paycheck to paycheck. I don't want much, but I do want financial stability and have the option to retire. My goal salary range is 55-70k

Positive/respectful environment: I prefer to work with people who are kind, earnest, and understanding. I appreciate feeling like I can ask for time off without having to exaggerate. I dislike gossiping and clique behavior.

Flexible schedule: I'm not built for a standard 9-5, right now I work different shifts every week with varied hours and that works well for me.

Small scale tasks to focus on: I enjoy doing the things that get missed, like routine maintenance or deep cleaning. To make a comparison to video games, I'd rather do the side quests.

Clear expectations and communication: I want to know exactly what's expected of me and what practices to follow. It helps me feel secure in my performance, otherwise I struggle with anxiety about feeling like I've done something wrong.

No "sales" type requirements: Hate lying, hated sales. Never again.

Each day is a little different: Much like the point about small scale tasks, I prefer small variations in day to day duties because it keeps me focused and invested.

Low to medium pressure: See above point about sales. A little pressure is fine, but I don't live to work and don't want to feel stressed.

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6/1/22

Gah life is so hard as an adult. Even if I'm not dealing with severe problems, just staying on top of everything feels impossible. Like, we forgot to renew our rent and now we're technically owing almost double. I think I can get it fixed but god damn it. Seeing that number gave me a mini panic attack. At least I'm more consistently brushing my teeth? I feel like a failure of an adult. I don't know how much of this is the world today or my personal shortcomings. I'm trying to focus on the good and how I can build a good life for myself but I am so small in the grand scheme of things. Brushing my teeth feels like it doesn't really mean anything when I'm looking at my rent bill.

But it does mean something, it means I'm learning how to develop better habits. I think I could be okay, even happy, living paycheck to paycheck if I was more solid in myself and on top of what's coming at me. I'm not giving up yet.

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5/23/22

I've been so low this past week, it might just be because my period is around the corner but I can't discount how busy work has been. My new role can be so stressful. I'm just going to try and stay on track with taking care of myself. Maybe I'll practice some math today.

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5/15/22

I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my career and education and it's kind of disheartening. I'm smart, but limited in my ability to navigate complex or ongoing administrative tasks that relate to schooling. For example, part of me still has the dream of becoming a vet but applying to school is a challenge. In addition to my struggles with the admin side of things, we're not stable enough for me to go to school full time since we're renting. But when I'm working and doing part time classes for my associates, I get so burned out it's unreal. These two factors combined make me want to stop once I have my associates but all the other careers I'm interested in require at least a bachelors. I just don't know what I want to do. I think I'd like to stay in the vet med field but it pays so poorly for everyone who isn't a DVM. I don't need to be rich but I'd like to feel secure. Maybe I should go into a laboratory discipline within the field. This is going to take some time to figure out, I know I'll get there eventually. Honestly though, even if I don't, I could survive where I'm at for the rest of my life. My desired workplace will recognize my achievements and value my contribution, ideally I'd like to interact with few customers, and I want to be kept busy and interested/invested in what I'm doing.

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5/13/22

Yesterday I did my second workout and I'm proud of myself for modifying in ways that made it mentally (and physically) easier to accomplish. I realized I was avoiding doing it because it was supposed to be with weights and I don't feel ready for that yet, so instead I did it with bodyweight only. I am definitely feeling it which makes me glad I didn't add weights yet. Sometimes it sucks that I can't jump back into lifting weights the way I used to but I really don't want to hurt myself and completely fall off exercising. Today I have a light work out scheduled for after work. I also want to review some of the material from last semester to stay sharp for the upcoming semester. I paid into what bills I could and have some money left over for a grocery trip, which is awesome because our fridge is empty right now. I'm feeling really centered and accomplished and it's only 6am, it's going to be a good day.

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5/10/22

Had my first workout of my plan yesterday, took it easy and I don't feel awful today which is super cool. Work is going to be busy this week but I'm feeling neutral to positive about it. I know I can stay on top of things and help my dept do a really good job. I think it's going to be a good week.

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5/9/22

It's a common theme in my life that I'll build a habit only to immediately lose it when a speed bump knocks me off course. I'd really like to start making meaningful, lifelong changes. So I figure I need to start really small and go slowly. To work on my physical health, I'm starting with the goals of brushing my teeth at least once a day, counting how many cigarettes I smoke, exercising three times a week, and tracking my calories regardless of whether or not I hit a deficit. I think these are small enough goals that it shouldn't feel onerous to keep up with them. I can't live like I'm around the corner of death for 30 years because to be honest that just sounds like it sucks. One long term goal on my list is to schedule an OBGYN appointment to discuss sterilization. I'm scared of OBGYN visits, but these days I'm more scared about my fading reproductive rights and the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy.

I'm starting to feel more purposeful and "adult", for lack of a better word. My new position at work has me in a position of responsibility, and I want to do right by my team, myself, my boss, and my patients. I don't feel scared like I thought I would, this promotion has been really positive for me. I'm going to keep it rolling and do the best job I can.

[dumspirosparrow]

5/9/22

Elements of physical health I need to work on

Preventative care

More consistency with hygiene

Abstaining from smoking

Routine doctor visits

Managing disease risks (cancer, diabetes, heart disease)

Sexual

Birth control

OBGYN doctor

Fitness

Endurance

Strength

Flexibility

Weight

Diet

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5/5/22

Today I feel quiet and neutral. My energy is low after staying up late last night but I still got a lot done this morning. I'm taking a day off from medication so I'll probably be a little slow all day, but that's fine- taking break days from my meds is important.

In the next week I'm going to dive into identifying what aspects of my physical health need to change. Already I've started exercising more without overdoing it, and I'm focusing on eating foods that are better for me. I'm scaling back my smoking a little bit at a time, my first goal is to not smoke more than once an hour. It's not much but it's something. I'm starting and I feel good about continuing.

[dumspirosparrow]

While I breathe I sparrow

I would like to live more fully than I do now but I don't know what that means yet. I've been keeping my head down and just existing for so long my soul has weathered, like an old car left to the elements. I have become pale and still.

When I survived, I gave up on giving up and decided to try. I can remember the view out of the back window of the ambulance, because it seemed ironic that I was facing backwards moving forwards. I chose to turn around, but I've been so scared to move I might as well be tied to that night.

It was so easy being sick, because then being ordinary wasn't my fault. Whether or not I was ordinary is up for debate if I asked the people around me. But maybe that's why it crushes me so much to think I'm not enough. I don't want to let people down when they believe in me. I am so afraid of living "wrong" it hinders me from living "right". But it's so hard to leave behind my sick identity, because now when I let someone down all I want to do is point at the sickness and say "It's not MY fault". When I've failed behind closed door, I tend to cocoon myself in a blanket of illness because it's comforting to believe my failing are preordained, not a sign of ordinariness. And what's really messed up is that I logically perceive ordinary as a neutral or even positive state to be in. It's like other people get to be ordinary, happy people and I have decided I have to suffer. Rules for me but not for thee.

I am just so afraid all the time. I want to stop being afraid and take responsibility for my happiness. I have some time before my next commitment, I'm going to figure out what I need to do, even if it's only surface level for now. Life is resistant to sudden change, so I'll have plenty of time to go deeper. I'm going to critically look at my life through a strangers eyes and figure out what I need to feel whole.