dudewhosfondwithunhappiness

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

I hate my birthday.

I've always hated my birthdays. You can guess why I'm writing here again after almost 2 years. Cause it's my birthday! I don't know, whenever June strikes, it's like this eerie feeling always lurks inside my brain. Like, I know that nothing bad's gonna happen but it makes me feel worse the closer we get to the date and the date is now.

The closest thing I can compare it to is how I feel about Sundays, but like amplified. I've always hated Sundays too. At first, I thought that it's because we go to church on Sunday nights, maybe it is, but I don't think so now. I think I hate it because it's so mundane. I don't look forward to the mundane, munday, monday, worldplay, which like Garfield, I don't look forward to too.

On birthdays, it's always going to be mundane. And if it's not, I don't think it can live up to my expectations of what I want to happen. Which is weird, because when I think about it, I don't really want anything. I don't remember most of my birthdays, I mean sure I remember what we did, what we prepared, who came and everything, but other than that, nothing. What is other than that is the question. I don't know, man. Maybe I'm putting too much shit on it. I think what makes me feel like shit on my birthday is that we go through the year existing, like any other human being, nothing special. But I think on birthdays, I think I long for the feeling of being special. Maybe that's not the right word, but you get it. I expect people to make me feel special, I think. And the problem is, I don't think anyone can because I won't let them. I'm not used to people making efforts for me, and I think it gave me unrealistic expectations the more I expect it to happen, if that makes sense.

Anyway, life update, I'm 24 years old now. I've got a job for almost 2 years. How is it? It's meh. It's a good job, it pays decent, but it's not challenging for me, which is what I need now, I think. I've prolonged taking the board exams for god knows what reason, maybe defiance, but I'll be taking it this October. It's given me anxiety and stopped me from doing anything productive the past 2 years so I think I should just get over it. I've got three months to take it seriously and I think I will. Family, I found out something this year that I think I've always known. My world collapsed and it changed me and my plans. This feeling deserves another post so I won't get in detail so yeah. Love? It's good, I think.

You can kinda notice that my writing got worse over time, which means I haven't been writing in a while, which means I haven't been overcame with sadness, anxiety, jealousy. Nope, I was but instead of writing here, it just exploded. Which means that I should be writing here more often. Haha. I should.

That was a long rant, made me feel kinda less not okay.

Anyway, happy birthday, you psycho.

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

I deserve this (?)

I am back. That means I’m feeling things again. 

Anxiousness? A little bit, comes with self-doubt and insecurity. It goes hand-in-hand honestly. 

But the issue why I feel down and sad right now is self-pity. I can’t believe someone as arrogant as me can actually feel this low. I feel like I don’t deserve what’s happening in every aspect of my life. It sucks that I can’t recover some self-confidence and worth without thinking that I’m giving myself too much credit or value. But yeah, I’ve been down on the dumps these past months so some things need to change. I mean it’s not like this was new, been feeling this way my whole life. Sometimes it gets mitigated by some doses of endorphins I get from my hobbies, family, friends, love. Look at me, so romantic. But lately it’s like I find myself shrinking away from everything and everyone. I’ve been feeling lately that sometimes people need to reach out to me, like people should know when I’m hurting or when I need help. Scratch that, that wasn’t a recent development at all. Been feeling that my whole life. Deep down, I just know that I can’t handle rejections. That’s why I don’t try. I tried working on that issue the past years but I felt like I regressed. 

Anyway, that’s long enough. There was absolutely no humor or the slight hint of wit on that rant, a couple more sentences and it will be off-brand. So that’s it. I hope I would hate myself even more, and maybe at the same time give myself a little more love.

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

Making an offer they can’t refuse

Oh man. Last major entry, I said that I will write immediately if Leni won. Well, that didn’t happen. Fucking hell. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. 

Tomorrow is my thesis defense. Well, technically later. I am at my all time low. The anxiety has been culminating ever since we had that one course that prepares us for the capstone project. I have been pushing any activities that might lessen my anxiety, make life more sustainable, and just improve my general well-being to after I finished my thesis. Hopefully that starts tomorrow. 

But aside from that, I thought 2 months ago that was my lowest point where I am just riddled with anxiety attacks every night, every time I found myself idle. But now, man, aside from crippling anxiety, I also feel emotional pain caused by my relationship. I don’t know. I feel like the past 2 months we were growing apart. I’ve done some retrospection and I realized that major factors why I am feeling these emotions are my insecurities and my codependent behavior. I have always been a jealous person but when it comes to M, it’s always 10x worse. That’s why I had been feeling 10x as awful lately. My heart is always heavy and I think one day it would just stop functioning. But I’m not that lucky. Right now, my heart’s pounding as I write this because again, big day later. Good thing I can drink myself out after the defense, whether the results are favorable or not. After all, nothing beats a good chaser done heartache. 

I should practice good communication, right? Yeah but the situation is kinda hard. She’s not okay right now and I don’t feel comfortable adding this emotional burden to her. Although, I don’t know if this should be attributed to her current state but I’ve been feeling like she’s going to break up with me. There’s a high chance that this is just my fucked up brain working but yeah, that would suck. I haven’t even thought about how that would feel, I just know that would suck. Thinking about the possibility makes breathing hard and my heart feel tighter. But I had been feeling this disconnect for a while now and I have been lowkey preparing myself for it. I don’t know. Life’s a mess right now, man. Wish I could go back here for a more existential update instead of a life-sucks-so-bad tone.

The title has no significance with the content but I had been rewatching The Godfather trilogy while I was working on our slides for the defense so yeah.  

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

Pain again

Usually, when I’m hurt, not physically, the pain starts from my heart then travels to my palms. It hurts so much and I can’t breathe.

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

Man

Couple of significant events happened, both big and small picture. I just realized that I won’t be making it to 25. So unhappy.

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

Anxiety

I’m back. Turns out I wasn’t THAT bored. Honestly, I thought I would have more entries by now, not counting the emo shit that preceded this post. But I guess my laziness is just off the charts, maybe not on MY charts. Quick update, I am now on my last semester (hopefully), struggling with my thesis and trying to find a place to start my career. I joined another 2 organizations, one was useless, one helped me find opportunities, dead weight on both. Kidding. I contributed some things, which is my trademark, giving my bare minimum to say I have done something. I have 9 units remaining in my undergrad, running for Cum Laude, or running from, I’m not sure at this point. My whole family got the virus last year. I stopped playing DOTA again, then I started again, then I stopped for now, would start again soon for sure. I have also decided to pursue a software engineering/developer path. As a matter of fact, I got my first job offer and would likely be taking this one. 

ANYWAY, back to the main topic, anxiety. Honestly, I just laid down the previous paragraph to paint a picture of my anxiety right now, just so future me could read this and compare. I feel like vomiting, which was a sign of temporal arthritis but I’ve moved on from that. My heart is constantly racing and preparing for something that might surprise and disappoint me. This feeling was something that I’ve experienced time and time and again before the pandemic but it always disappears. Now, it’s just one after another. I think this constant feeling of uneasiness is how my body is when it is in neutral.  My breathing is just a series of deep ones, as if it is trying to drown whatever is inside my chest. 

I don’t know if it’s about my thesis that is not going so well, not sure if we would be able to finish it. The job offer that I already accepted and I’m now having second thoughts about whether or not I am rushing into things. Mom asked me if I’m rushing and I honestly did not know how to answer. Something like buyer’s remorse, in this case I’m the buyer and the expensive purchase is the trajectory of my chosen career path. I just hope I don’t burn out. I also concluded from this that my greatest weakness is that my fear of failure is so severe that I realized that I have been using that to be mediocre for as long as I can remember, not a good combination with someone who is really cocky. This realization deserves a separate post so I’ll stop there.

But what really pushed me into making another entry here again is that for some reason, it decided to peak now. I wasn’t able to breathe properly, I felt so alone. Honestly, I’ve been feeling like that for quite some time now. I don’t feel lonely but I do feel alone. I have my girlfriend, and she’s great but I sometimes feel like I’m being taken for granted. I feel like I have no one. Though maybe it is on me since I find it hard to open up, maybe I’m just hoping that she gets some initiative, you know? She reaches out but sometime I think it is insufficient. She asks what’s wrong with me and that’s it. Sometimes when I try to open up and talk, she ends up talking about something about her experience, but I think that’s empathy. But I also think that’s just me sabotaging myself by not meeting halfway. Maybe that’s why I feel alone. But I do love her and I think she’s the greatest girl in the world so that’s why I should probably face my problems or thoughts alone. 

That’s just about it with my venting. I apologize for not writing this in a funnier tone, just wasn’t capable of that at the moment. Though future me would definitely find this at least cringe enough to be funny, so hey, that’s got to count for something. 

One major oversight, presidential elections will happen 4 days from now, a pretty significant piece of Philippine history right there. Literally good against evil. Another huge chunk of my anxiety can be accounted to that. Fuck the Dutertes. Fuck the Marcoses. Fuck everything they stand for. Honestly, why am I worrying about my future so much cause when these guys win, might as well not have a future anymore. But hey, I promise that if Leni wins, I’m heading straight back here to make another update and I promise that I’ll make it funny.

And that is all for me right now. 

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

I am lost.

I am so lost. I do not know where to go and what to do.

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

Pain

So much pain

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

Quarantine

Wow. It has been almost 2 years since my last entry here. My ice pick headaches were gone. My nose is bleeding quite often tho, as always. Lots of things happened, I don’t know where to start, maybe with the most significant one, I got back together with my first love. That was probably the healthiest and wisest decision I’ve ever made since I’ve decided to eat vegetables as long as they’re drenched. Anyway, it has been 2 years (almost) and it would have probably been more if the circumstances were different. If you, future me, is reading this, you’ll probably remember this as the time you spent almost 2 months inside your house because of the virus. Yep, I’m spending the last months of my teenage years in quarantine. More like quaranteen’t, am I right folks? I heard that.

Quick update about stuff, I think I did well with my first year in the university. I mean considering the amount of effort I’ve put in, I got a lot in return. Slightly above average GWA, I’ve got 2 organizations and I’ve met a lot of people. However, the 1st semester of the 2nd year is where my academics took a hit. That was a difficult one. Tho I don’t think I’ve given more than half of my efforts but I still managed to pass every course so why fix it if it ain’t broken, right? But yeah, it’s definitely broken.  

But yeah, I’m back here so I must be feeling different. I love my girlfriend so much and things have been going smoothly, but getting back together always has its complications. I just heard her cry herself to sleep last night. It was really painful, I can’t imagine being on the other side of the call. We haven’t seen each other in a month. Ghosts of the past were coming back, especially since we’re home. I’d do anything to get back in time and undo what I did. I just want to be with her forever.

I’ve returned to playing chess, I’ve tried to raise my rank in DOTA, I’ve played NBA 2K, I’ve installed a lock on my door, I’ve cooked, I’ve even decided to play Minecraft. God knows what I’ll do next. Maybe I’ll even add another entry. Yeah, I’m THAT bored.

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

I don’t have Temporal Arteritis.

Good news, I don’t have Temporal Arteritis. Damn, I was pretty sure I had one. My headaches were pretty bad, I call them ice picks. But anyway, update. The university, University A, that I was bitching about released the results. I passed my 1st choice course, ECE. *whispers* I don’t know what it does. I only took it because it made my uncle rich. No kidding. But yeah, when the university released the results, I had already passed my documents to this another college, which we will call University B, which is also a bit prestigious. I said to myself that I will commit to my choice this time and guess what, I’m on the University A’s dorm for 1 week now. So yeah, new chapter and all that cringe-inducing shit. I just came home from a jog around the university oval that made me realize how beautiful University A was. I mean, it looks good on daylight but the incandescent light takes it to another level, albeit the huge chance of getting mugged. My first day of college starts tomorrow and weirdly enough, aside from the crippling anxiety behind my brain that’s saying I’m not good enough to last 4 years in this university, I feel good. 

I broke my fan days after checking in, I’m having doubts with just about everything, I spent a day with my ex-girlfriend, I got a new phone and other stuff. Lots of things will happen, I’m sure of that. The degree and nature of the things that will happen are the terrifying unknowns.

[dudewhosfondwithunhappiness]

Washing Machine

I'm currently in a washing machine. More like half of me is but that's not the point. I don't think there even is a point. All I know is, I gotta take a break from everything. But why the flying fuck is the lower half of my body inside our former washing machine that we won in a raffle and was replaced by another sub standard washing machine that we also won in a fucking raffle? I don't even know how to answer. The thing is, when I'm confused, stressed out or my overall stats are drained, I tend to do stuff that I can't really justify the reason behind it. Like watching the stars while spinning inside a probably Chinese-made clothes cleaner and I don't mean the person. My humor's really fucked up, by the way. Anyways, it's Graduation Eve Eve. Guy whom I owe money's asking for it. This particular university that I applied to is being a bitch with the results. Today's my brother's first time ever Recognition Day. I diagnosed myself with Temporal Arteritis. My mom's still angry with me. My room/dressing room's acting as a warehouse because the house is getting repainted. I don't know. I just want to make everything stop for a moment and enjoy the little-to-nothing amount of comfort that being inside a thing where your undies take a bath brings you and look at the stars that are hiding through the clouds and light pollution that our atmosphere offers. So yeah, I gotta go try and test what happens if I plug this thing.