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Federal Electrocutions

So my fellow furries, I’m here again to explain the humans’ weird behaviour today. Strap yourself in, it’s a doozy.

Now, sure as I’m snuggled on this mountain of cushions, the humans have been bleating about electrocutions because two different groups both want to have a party in some house, otherwise I would be sleeping contentedly. It was the machine that mum and dad use to watch other people’s lives (the humans named it “Tevey”). It has woken me from a perfectly good dream where I finally succeed in performing the neck-breaker on one of those white, fluffy cat-looking “dogs”. But I digress.

Like I said, the Tevey keeps shouting about how the humans have to get electrocuted to see who gets to have their house party. Everyone has to write down on a piece of paper who they want electrocuted. Now, this is between us furries, but at first I thought, GODDAMN are the humans for reals? Time THEY got put down, ammiright?? Dad’s a foreigner so he doesn’t have to electrocute anyone but he keeps excitedly giving his opinion and arguing with Tevey. Normally dad gets offended if someone ignores him, but Tevey does it all the time and he still doesn’t get the shits.

Electrocutions seem to be important for humans mainly because they want somewhere to sleep and something to eat and occasionally go on an adventure (though mine alwys end with a bath but they drink stuff that makes them laugh and once mum took all her clothes off and tried to run down the street but tripped over and … i probably shouldn’t be telling you this …)

So I’m letting everyone know that the humans are going to be like us after we’ve rolled in duck poo tonight - frenetic as all hell. Jumping around. Talking loudly. Discussing with every Soxy, Harry and Rover they see about the electrocutions. But here’s the thing. All the groups that wants the house for their party aren’t discussing Jell-O shot recipes or the merits of different vodkas.

One of the parties wants to take money away from the human version of puppy school and the vet so they can spend it on investing in “job creation”, which makes me think of that time I ripped the in apart to eat the leftover chicken and took it over the carpet and mum freaked out about the stains and yelled at me for making a mess. She still whinges about the stains the oranges made! That wasn’t a very fun party. The other guys who want to have the house party could take care of mum and dad, at least. If anything happened to them, I would prefer that they could get some help so they aren’t boring killjoys, even if  it means the pubs close earlier.

That’s all from me for now guys. I’ll continue to translate human behaviour and advise you all as best as I can. For now, chase all the motherfucking cats you can get your paws on!

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It's a Human Thing: Trysts and Trinkets Symbolise Human Diets

Today is called Valentine’s Day. Mum is spending hours in front the mirror burning her hair and smearing chemicals on her skin. Dad usually chills out on the couch on Sunday mornings but he went charging out without even doing me the courtesy of taking me for a walk. He seemed pretty concerned so maybe I won’t sleep on his pillow inter next half hour. Anywho, since they’re both so preoccupied, I decided to do a Google search to find out as much as possible about this sacred holiday. After all, given the level of tension and the snow Brit time mum is spending on her eyebrows,it’s obviously pretty important and I’m the kind of canine that believes knowledge is power. I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again: humans are fucking weird man. Why are they so anxious? They’re acting like that idiot poodle across road that continues to bark even though he knows he’s wearing a human sex collar (you know, the kind that zaps if you talk). It looks like a petty mundane program as far as I can work out. It appears that the humans will spend today engaging in the following activities:

1. Presenting each other with boxes containing objects that sometimes aren’t as bright and shiny as the should be (and occasionally some choice leather ones too).

2. Presenting each other bunches of plants (not the good chewy stick bit, just the leafy part - WTF is the point of that?!) swaddled in paper, affixed with elaborate bows, both of which are immediately discarded

3. A lot of people playing that noisy game on the bed - ask any of my comrades, most will tell you stories about humans making them leave the room while they play. I think it’s so rude that they purposely exclude us that way. Fucking selfish assholes. (Speaking of assholes, never shake a human’s hand while they’re playing. Holy shit you’d think I’d pissed on the carpetbag time! It’s like, whatevs I won’t bother saying hi anymore. Cunt.)

4. The ingestion of large quantities of chocolate. And cake. And food. Right in front of me. So rude. The greedy pricks probably won’t share as usual.

5. Secretly worrying about a piece of paper soon to arrive called a “credit card statement”. It’s the same every month. I wish they’d tell whoever sends them out to back off. I dot know what its purpose is, but I’m assuming has to with food since that’s the only thing worth fretting so much about. That and the little bastard across the road. That diamond collar doesn’t mean shit when you can’t even take a shit!