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I Dreamed a Dream

Yes, Les Miserables. Hindi ko natapos yung film pero nadama ko, sagad to the bones, yung I dreamed a dream ni Fantine, sobrang ouch. But that’s not what this post is about. Just this mornight kasi, June 12,2017, I spent or wasted yet another couple of my precious hours scrolling through youtube videos concerning LAW SCHOOL. Primarily kasi ang tagal mag-load ng Snowden smh. 

I discovered na feeling ko kayang kaya ko ipasa yung LAE hekhek. Dati kasi akala ko law related ‘yung entire LAE, eh medyo UPCAT-like lang pala. However, ‘di ata ako pwedeng mag-apply? Since sobraang layo ng  degree program na ginagapang ko currently which is engineering, ‘di ko mami-meet yung req’d number of units ng english, social science, history, economics, political science among others :( So ayun, quoting Fantine :‘I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living.’ By that i mean, i want something more hellish than my already rotting relationship with numbers and letters and integrals and stress and strain. Gusto ko naman ‘yung challenge ng memorization and digestion of cases and required knowledge of tons of definitions pati yung nerve-wracking recitations, ganyan. Kulang pa ata yung nararanasan kong breakdowns, 2 pa lang sila. Both took place in the same semester, actually both occurred in the same week. Feeling ko pag law school, every week na. Lately, I crave for that. Or  maybe not that, maybe i crave for that overwhelming feeling after having fought and won battles you almost thought were unwinnable. There had been a sudden dream of overcoming not one, but two sought after formidable degrees.

 Karamihan ng kabataan pag tatanungin mo, “anong pangarap mo?” sasagutin ka ng “ Pangarap ko pong maka-graduate para makatulong sa pamilya” and all that, but the new me have this ridiculous dream of graduating, not for other people, but for myself, graduating for the sole reason of having  graduated and finished something that not most people can finish. Pangarap kong maka-graduate. The sentence ends there, plain as day. Literal. Pero siguro delusional thoughts ko lang ‘to dahil ‘di pa ako natutulog and it’s already 9:12 in the morning at babyahe pa ako mamaya -_-  Tapos siyempre nag-iimagine na ako ng hypothetical future, kung saan instead of reviewing for the board exam, i am pushing my mental capacity beyond its level best in order to pass my 1st semester in law school, tapos magte-take pa rin ako ng board exam, walang review, walang alarm, walang anything, tapos papasa pa rin ako. Tapos praises here and there. Hahaha. Feelingero.

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Acads muna, tanga

Heto ako ngayon, inaalala yung mga sandali noong kasama pa kita. Yung mga gabing natitiis ko ang lamig dahil nandiyan ka. Yung mga gabing kabado tayong dalawa - ikaw dahil natatakot kang may multo o magnanakaw na gagambala sa payapa mong paligid, at ako dahil kasama kita at hindi ako mapakali kakaisip kung ito na ba yung gabi, gabing pinakahihintay ko. 

Sa umaga, pagmulat ko ng mata, wala ka na. Marahil ay naligo ka na’t may pasok ka pa nang maaga. At siyempre alam ko dahil buong schedule mo sa araw araw ay kabisado ko. Lahat ng tungkol sa’yo, gusto ko alam ko. At kung sakali mang may game show tungkol sa’yo, malaki ang tsansa kong manalo. Oo, hindi ako sigurado na mananalo ako, o kung may mananalo nga ba. Masyado ka kasing malihim. May mga gabi na naabutan kitang umiiyak pero bigla kang bumabaling ng tingin sa iba, wari’y ayaw ipakitang mahina ka. Hindi ka nagkukwento ng tunay na nararamdaman mo, pero naiintindihan ko. Naiintindihan ko na ‘di mo ako pinagkakatiwalaan o kahit na sino man sa mga kakilala mo. Naiintindihan ko pero masakit.

Sa hapon, mainit. Yun lang, wala na akong sasabihin. Dahil oo nga pala, may exam pa ako mamaya, at kaklase kita. Kaya pipigilan ko muna ang daloy ng mga gunita. Saka na lang kapag marami na akong oras.