drunkinrambling-blog

[drunkinrambling-blog]

Journal Entry #1:

Have you ever been drunk and thought to yourself, “Hmmm.... I think this is a good time to share your thoughts!”? No? Well for some reason I did. Maybe I’m weird, maybe the alcohol took over my brain too much, OR maybe I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now (the last option is the correct option).

As I sit here in the Central California heat feeling buzzed, I’m left sitting herethinking about “What’s next in my life?”... I know that marriage is a thing I long for and a God given marriage is what I truly long for, but at the same time I’m confronted by the fact that I lust for things I can’t rather shouldn’t have. I want to sleep with (fuck) the girls I fooled around with years ago. I desire to follow the longings, but I know that God has more for me. I know God has a jaw-dropping, beautiful, sexy, strong, sweet, gorgeous (which is 100% different than beautiful), intelligent, and last but certainly not least Godly & Spirit-lead woman who’s waiting for me. 

Waiting.... She is waiting for me. She’s waiting for me to pull my head out of my ass and follow God with my whole heart AND mind. She’s waiting for me to grow a pair and become the man that God want’s me to be. I feel like the farthest thing from where I need to be for her to love me let alone God to love me. Sometimes I wish that God would just let her move on and leave me where I am, but ever weekend I’m reminded of how much God loves me. He loves me so much He knows my ever move (past, present, and future), but He’s willing to wait for me. Everything I know about God says that this is in His character, but what does this say about the woman I’m going to marry?

This says to me that she is: “ Strong. Courageous. Willing to fight. Prayerful. Considerate. Thoughtful. Intentional. Loving. Patient. God-Fearing (because shit.... She should have given up on my ass about 3-4 years ago). Forgiving.  Thoughtful.” Basically what this should mean to anyone reading this: SHE’S BETTER THAN I DESERVE!

I don’t think I’m deceiving myself when I say that I’m not where I need to be in my life to marry this woman. That’s not to say that I’m “far” nor am I close to where I need to be. To date someone means you’re ready to marry the person you’re dating. Now do I think I’m ready to marry someone? No. For many reasons I really believe I’m not a person who’s ready to date/marry, BUT what does God think?  I’ve watched marriages that I was positive wouldn’t work out flourish, and I’ve watched marriages I thought would be amazing crash and burn so hard that I’m pretty sure they were the cause of all the California fires (not really... For any fire investigator reading this, which I highly doubt anyone’s reading this, that was a facetious statement). I believe that God’s grace is more than sufficient, but am I willing to risk it? I’m about ready to say ‘yes’. It’s weird that I feel that way and I know I need to spend some time in a fasting/prayerful state to really determine if I’m ready to make that leap, but I truly believe that this season of singleness is starting to come to an end. As I’ve stepped out into a season where God has called me to start leading in His kingdom I’ve started to notice little shifts in my habits/ways. 

The habits that have plagued me for years seem to be finally a their breaking point. The relationship choices I’ve made seem to be righting themselves. The place I’m at (emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually) & my current work situation seems to be more realistic. 

I’ve struggled with a pornography addiction since I was at least 14. I’ve found brief respites though-out the years, but nothing has seemed to “stick”. I know for a fact that I’ve been released spiritually from this, but I seem to end up back where I began every time. Stress, insecurity, exhaustion, carelessness, hurting, happiness, depression, sadness, uncertainty, etc. are just some of the emotions that can cause me to long for a “fix”. This fix comes at a price. My emotional, sexual, mental, and spiritual health. God has stated that I am not to long for (lust for) a woman who is not my wife (Proverbs 6:25). I shouldn’t replace the touch of my wife (presently nor in the future, even if we’re not married yet) with a visual or physical replacement. I truly feel like I’ve already cheated on my wife. I don’t know what God has waiting for me but I know I’m going to be blow away. 

I know that I find two woman attractive. Now just because I find them attractive does NOT mean that I can marry them. One of them I know is not my future spouse so I do my best to not “want” her (both sexually & spiritually),l but the other woman... She’s a different story. Damn! Intelligent (so much so I’d be shocked if she actually liked me too), sweet, thoughtful, charismatic, innocent (not in the way of she can’t function in the world, but that God has gifted her an innocence that permeates her life), loving, careful, fiscally responsible, fun-loving, Godly, prayerful, intentional... really I could go on. I feel like God has told me that this is the woman I’m going to marry IF I can get my shit together. 

Getting my sh!t together... Sound easy!... Right? F-uh.... No. No it’s not. God never promised easy, but He did promise do able! Do-able... That sometimes seems like a joke that never quite reaches the punch-line... and my life is said joke. I’m not sure what I’m going to do in the world, but I guarantee it’s going to be big! The more that I look for things that excite me the more I realize that God has created me to be creative... 

I love the way the body moves. The way that it arches, rolls, jolts, and glides. I think that the human body in motion is one of the most beautiful things. Dance is a passion I haven’t had a chance to explore nor is the “sports” med. world. I say “’sports’ med” since I truly don’t drawn to the traditional thought/meaning of “sports”. I believe that there’s more to sports medicine that most people think. Dancers, actors, singers, performers, etc. ALL have a level of athleticism that a lot of people forget.  For me dancers are the epitome of an “all around athlete”. They’re flexible, incredibly strong, competitive, athletic, and can withstand immense amounts of pain. 

I believe that my platform in the tech world will help propel me into a roll where I can further the Kingdom by helping performers do what they do. I don’t know what that looks like, butI do know that God will bless it.

In conclusion of this drunken ramble (thanks to Google Chrome for catching the majority of my spelling errors) I believe there’s a bright future waiting for me. I just need to take a deep breathe and TAKE THE STEP! Truly stop being kid and become an adult. I believe that God will bless this next season as long as I stay committed to that house, and the path that He is leading me on. (NOTE TO “SOBER” SELF: Take a second before you start lusting and touching yourself, and ask yourself if it’s worth jeopardizing that real thing.)

Thanks for listening to (reading) my ramblings. If you’ve gotten this far...... What the crap are you doing with your life? I’ll try and post once a week or so, but no promises. The length will change dependent on if I have a laptop or a cell phone. Hope you have a great thing (day, night, afternoon, evening, grave, swing, etc.).