drrunknmonologue

[drrunknmonologue]

nelangsaku menantimu pulang ke dalam kedua lenganku, rumahmu yang pernah tapi tidak lagi

kuletakkan pelita-pelita kecil supaya kau mudah menemukan jalan setapak menuju aku, bahkan dalam gelap yang kian murung, meski kusadari betul jalan itu sudah perlahan hilang pudar dan kau sapu bersih sisa keberadaannya dari peta di dalam kepalamu

tapi aku yakin, hatimu masih hapal mati

aku masih mau kamu kembali, entah bodoh, tuli, atau sekadar tak tahu diri

tapi aku janji, kebun nyawaku sudah berganti

maafkan dia yang dulu tandus, yang mampu tumbuh hanya kaktus, yang semakin erat kau peluk semakin pedih kau tertusuk

semenjak pergimu, aku beralih

tanahnya sudah kuganti, kini aku menanam jati

supaya tetap rindang di antara kuatnya hembusan angin, yang tetap tegar bediri meski kemarau tak bertepi

aku setia menanti gerimis dan badaimu, cerah dan terikmu

meranggas aku menunggu datangmu, tapi aku tidak akan mati karena tetes demi tetes harapan darimu senantiasa menghidupiku, memberiku napas walau satu-satu

hingga kini, aku berdoa jarum kompas hatimu mengarah ke selatan, karena kutunggu kau di sana, tepat di belakangmu jika sedikit saja kau tergerak untuk menengok ke arahku

tak kuasa aku berjalan di depanmu sebab memang kamu yang memilih pergi dariku

tapi aku janji, jika suatu saat kau sudi memalingkan wajahmu barang sedikit saja kepadaku, aku akan berlari menemuimu, di manapun itu

dari sana, kita berjalan bersama ke tempat yang selalu kita tahu dan kita mau.

sep 14, 2024 / 1.16 a.m.

[drrunknmonologue]

[drrunknmonologue]

mother,

i wish you hadn’t left me alone to face such a cruel world

i wish you didn’t make me carry your baggage when i had barely learned to carry mine

i wish you’d let me be a kid when it was time, for now i’m in my 20’s feeling even more lost than ever, not sure where to go and if i trust myself enough to choose my own path

i wish you’d been there through my self-doubts, instead you call me childish and doubted me more

i deserved better, mother

i know you’ve only been through so much, but i’ve always been there with you, i’ve always been there to wipe your tears—even those you shed to make me feel guilty for not being enough

but where were you when i needed you most?

when i begged you to let me leave, you made me feel ungrateful—but what was there to ever be grateful for?

i lost myself trying to be good for you, now i’m not even good for myself

i swear i love you, but i have to love myself more because you never really did

i never planned to stay alive until 21

growing up sounds nauseating when you’ve been forced to do that since you were a child

i lived for you and somehow it wasn’t enough

so what do i do, mother?

i’m a ticking time bomb and i’ve never wanted to explode more than i do tonight

december 29, 2021

[drrunknmonologue]

often we sit down and tell each other about how life shapes us and breaks us and how we're still trying to recover from everything that's done to us that we couldn't quite grasp

i have gone through terrible weather and you have been living in storms your whole life

and though i don't know much about storms, i know a thing or two about handling bad weather and i want to help out

and though i've had my fair share of sadness and unfortunate things, i'm still upset about how cruel life could be to such lovely being

and though now i see gleams in your eyes, i know that there were once only tears you held back so much because you were too tired to cry

and though you now seem so lively and wild, i know that you were once lonely and dying inside

and i want to pull my hair out, because i feel so helpless and frustrated that i can't do nothing but love you as much as i could and hope that things will somehow work out

and i so badly want to tell you that you are not what happened to you and that you are safe with me and i will not hurt you like everything used to, but instead i keep myself silent because what do i do to prove it to you? sweet words won't do, so i pray i would be granted life long enough to make sure you never feel the need to question just how much i love you

february 20, 2022 / 6.47 am

[drrunknmonologue]

you are not the first person i love, yet you taught me so much in such short period of time.

i never knew love could be so strong yet so gentle.

i've never seen love so protecting yet so liberating.

i've never felt love so soon yet so deep.

how do i thank you, for the abundance of love you shower me with?

how do i show you, that i have as much but the curse of being human gives me a limit?

february 19, 2022 / 10.16 pm

[drrunknmonologue]

love is running into the arms of your lover after days of not seeing them

love is rolling to the other side of the bed half-asleep because your lover is finally there and you can't wait until you wake to hold them

february 19, 2022 / 10.22 pm

[drrunknmonologue]

“and all of a sudden, all worldly motions stop when my eyes caught your presence.”

[drrunknmonologue]

it was pouring rain and we were holding hands

my freezing palms and you held me in your arms

i think to myself:

"i would set the world on fire to keep you warm."

february 14, 2022 / 6.35 pm

[drrunknmonologue]

i want a boyfriend not because i don’t feel enough on my own but because i want to have someone to share things with. if i buy myself a tea cup then you get one. if i ate a good dessert alone then i’ll take you to the place i got it and share the dish to have a whole new first-time experience with you. if i got myself a new dress and i happen to like the fabric, i want someone to touch it and get all giggly because they also like it. i want someone i can send cat pictures to, someone i can be super random with, “do you like windows? i like windows let’s get married and build ourselves a house with huge ass windows!” i want someone i can call at 3 in the morning to cry about life and laugh it off 10 minutes after. i want someone to come home to my arms and make themself feel safe after a long, exhausting day. i want someone to drink wine with, because wine reminds me of love and for once i want to stop drinking vodka because it tastes a lot like forgetting.

january 15, 2022

[drrunknmonologue]

tell me that the hug i gave you that night, the way i rested my chin on your shoulder and my arms wrapped your body didn’t make you feel something, not even the slightest bit. that the songs we sang didn’t give you a hint. that the late night talks were just something regular to you. that you have another girl on your mind and that i shouldn’t even wish to compare. that you don’t want another call. that you meant it when you say you don’t want to see me again. tell me, so i don’t have to second guess and overthink. so i could go on with my life, without you in it. please tell me, ‘cause even just the thought of you seeing another girl crushed my appetite. even just the thought of you taking her hand and kissing her lips makes me want to die. please tell me, ‘cause rather than breaking my own heart, i’d rather have you do it for me. crush it and don’t even think about it. be cruel and hurt me. tell me i don’t deserve you, i’m not good enough for you, i shouldn’t even want you. anything to get me to stop trying, so i wouldn’t have to wonder what it’s like to be loved by you.

january 13, 2022

[drrunknmonologue]

whatever this is going on between us, it either has to stop sometime soon or never stop, ever. i’m telling you, walk away if you don’t want it, or please, hold on for dear life. whatever this is—real or not, requited or one-sided—has me wanting more so bad, it’s going to drive me mad.

does it ever bother you, that we’re so different yet so alike? that despite—no—even with all the opposites that we are, we still manage to understand each other? because i’m going crazy. i guess you complete my quirks and i’m desperately trying not to fall for yours. that even though i annoy the hell out of you and you can be too cold for my liking, you let me find a way to annoy you with my late night calls and you’ll still listen though your eyes are begging to shut. i like that although you don’t talk much, your voice still radiates warmth. and sometimes worry. i like that when the clock gets past 12 a.m., you become a softer person and you are true to your feelings, to me. i like that you care, and i hate the world and everyone who made you feel the need to hide such a lovely side of yourself because they never seem to care and you once cared so much. i still like the fact that you are comfortable enough to show me that side.

i like you, god dammit. and i can’t make it more obvious because i don’t want to rush and ruin whatever this is. for fuck’s sake, let’s give this a name. “whatever this is” doesn’t sound too pretty for a relationship. and because, if you take one close look at the little gestures i show you, the ones that i fail to cover up (or sometimes don’t even try, i admit), you’ll understand that it only takes a single touch of your hand to make me fall so hard i’m gonna crush myself. just, if you ever decided to do it, please be my safety net.

january 8, 2022

[drrunknmonologue]

i don't know if i'm in love with you yet, but you give me a sense of security and all my life i've always been so terrified—the fear that my mother passed on to me, the way my father raised his voice at me, how i was conditioned to protect my sister while having no one to protect me. i am so used to take care of people and not being taken care of in return, but you... you don't say much and you often seem cold, but you give me warmth and you keep me safe.

i like your worried tone when things get reckless. i like the little things you do to show that you care. i like every little thing you are.

may i ask, would you mind if i keep you around? would you wanna be mine?

december 28, 2021

[drrunknmonologue]

this world is damned and screwed; that's the nicest way to put it. and i never thought i would meet someone like you, not in this hellish time of living. but there you are anyway. classic, isn't it?

well, i wouldn't say you never did no harm. i wouldn't dare think of you as a saint either. rather, i like to think of it like this: you are a peace-loving land, and i am a warzone refugee. you provide me shelter and safety, something any living thing deserves, really—but i am so used to living conflict-by-conflict, grew up seeing all things chaotic—that kindness seem scary. because i used to have to fight for it. i used to be taken advantage of to be treated nicely.

so this is a thank you, in a form of sorry. what could i possibly do for you, really? you are a peace-loving land, and i am but a mere refugee.

october 16, 2021

i need to remind myself that i am no good for you.

[drrunknmonologue]

i like you. i like you. i like you. fuck, i like you. i don't even know how, but surely i do know why.

i am deprived. of love, of touch, of feeling understood. and though you don't love me, you make me feel heard. i often feel seen, but heard, not as much—let alone loved. and you barely even touched me, but you did touch a part of my soul. since then i have my heart open for rsvp, for you only—but i failed to let you know. i swear i sent that email in my head. and though we're just two nobodies, light years apart personality-wise, you still manage to make me feel understood.

god damn, do you know where this is going? 'cause i don't have a single fucking clue. i wish life had sneak peeks, so i wouldn't be so fucked over thinking about what i'd do if you decided you've had enough. i would pay a fortune if it means i don't have to overthink.

as much as i hate attachments, i've got to admit: this is my declaration of dependence.

november 1, 2021

[drrunknmonologue]

we’re so far apart yet so aligned, we resemble parallel lines; two straight lines that couldn’t intertwine

how come it’s so hard to get you out of mind, when i can’t even call you mine?

october 30, 2021

[drrunknmonologue]

i’ve been a mess and i needed smoke break. silly me has the wrong pack. this is the only pack you smoke. i’ve been thinking about you and i wonder if this is what your lips taste like. i am out of my mind. i couldn’t finish one, it makes me nauseous—i wonder if it’s the memory of you or just the fact that i’ve been lying in bed all day thinking what you could possibly be up to, that i couldn’t bring myself to eat. it’s hard to admit, but i think i miss you. why didn’t you text? don’t you know that every single thing you do affects me? it’s too early to call this love, but it’s indeed too late to think it’s platonic. why didn’t you call? i wish i could call you and tell you how much of a mess you’ve made me, how you’ve been driving me crazy—but i respect myself enough not to do that. how’s life? i know you’ve been busy. but don’t you miss me? does the sound of my laugh linger in your ears? does it make you ache?

call me. please. i missed you.

october 23, 2021

[drrunknmonologue]

every day since you’re gone, i light my heart on fire. i’ve got to keep it warm from the coldness of your absence. it is now a bonfire and i sit right next to it just to feel something. and god, does fire burn when you get too close and too much—guess i never learn, i have been so starved of warmth to the point that i couldn’t get enough, and by the time i realized, everything is already in ashes. nonetheless, it still feels better than turning blue and freezing from the cold.

if you can’t already tell, i detest cold with all these crumbling pieces i dare to call a heart. it reminds me too much of the times i was shivering and you were there to keep me warm and offer me comfort. there in your arms, it felt like i shouldn’t have to worry; like things would always work out and i shouldn’t fear anything too much. well, jokes on me, we didn’t even work out—but it sure felt so real i could recall it in my bones.

your arms were the most home i’ve ever felt, and i am now homeless. if i could play the victim, i would. i would act like you were the one who left, like things were taken away from me in a split second. but i couldn’t. because you didn’t. i did. i was always prepared for you to leave: i wrote break up notes when we had mad fights, i made dozens of playlist to cry to when you finally decide i wasn’t good enough. i always tried my best to prepare for change, but i never thought i would be the one changing. and nothing could ever prepare me for the pain of leaving you—letting you go when all i’ve ever wanted was to keep you around.

october 10, 2021