drnktxtin

[drnktxtin]

우리 다시 만날 그날을 기다리며 지금 순간을 맘속 깊이 간직할게 #TwoYearsWithWannaOne

[drnktxtin]

maybe inviting you to come see me on tour in jakarta is a bad idea. thinking about it now, i don’t know what was going on in my head when i offered. i guess i’m just trying to convince myself that seeing you again will give me more clarity. the show is tonight and god knows i won’t be able to concentrate knowing that you’ll be in the audience, but it’ll be okay. everything will be okay.

[drnktxtin]

it’s so nice to have the wanna one groupchat moving again. it’s been a while but i miss those guys, i miss them more than i can even comprehend. it’d be nice if all eleven of us could be active in it, and i know that’s asking for a lot considering how busy everyone is with their own schedules and activities, but they feel like home to me. more so than nu’est ever has.

[drnktxtin]

guilt tripping me into the idea of sleeping with you because you had a miscarriage should be classified as a little more than fucked up, shouldn’t it? i know you said you’re over me and that you want to do something to take your mind off of how lonely you are these days but... ━ shit. that’s not how you go about that.

[drnktxtin]

this was what i was afraid of. you sending a simple message that makes me trip and fall down the rabbit hole of habit and familiarity. because it’s you. regardless of what you did to me, what happened to us ━ it’s you and i hate myself even more for it. of course i miss you too. how can i not? you were my crutch. my best friend. my other half. my lighthouse. my biggest supporter. the two years we spent together are packed full of moments that are irreplaceable. they can’t be replicated. i keep them locked up in a vault under bike chains and stored in the very back of my mind because thinking about them hurts even though you aren’t in my life anymore. like phantom pain. i’ve completely amputated the physicality of you but you’re still here. you’re still lingering. and it’s a fucking nightmare. i loved you, hoya. i loved you with all my heart. and it isn’t fair. it isn’t fair that those memories are rotting as they are because of your anger and your actions. i knew you had a problem but i looked past that. i kept giving you chances. i kept making excuses. i tore myself apart from the seams time and time again because my love for you included self-sacrifice and it was so stupid. do you know how many “what exactly were you expecting” speeches i’ve heard? “why did you let yourself get burned” and “you should have gotten out sooner”; it was stupid. i was stupid. i convinced myself that you were so much bigger than your demons and you... ━ you proved me wrong. you hit me. you fucking hit me and. i don’t know what it is you wanted from our conversation but i meant every word i said. i can’t forgive you. i want to, i so desperately want to, but. i can’t. swallowing the sharp edges is hard enough as it is ━ you still cross my mind every day. i don’t think there’s ever been a day where something hasn’t made me think of you. / i love you and i always will. no matter what i do or who i see you’re still the only possible choice. ━ and when you say shit like this, it doesn’t make anything easier.

[drnktxtin]

i don’t know why i split myself open for you knowing that sewing myself up hurt too much afterward.