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Opposable thumbs imply the existence of an unopposable thumb that cannot be stopped and I find that frankly terrifying.

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It's been more than 2.5 years since this post, and it's really interesting to look back on it.

I got the job, and have been doing it ever since. I've been regularly recognised for my performance in the role, and am seen as a go-to guy by many of my coworkers.

I am still very close with the friend whose birthday it was, but can barely remember what happened that night. I only have vague memories of the anxiety, which are drowned out by all the positive memories of our friendship.

I'm still not great at Need For Speed, but recognise now that a lot of my problems were from my computer being way too slow.

The only reason I'm writing this is to remind myself (and anyone else who relates to this) that we are more capable than we think, that these moments pass, and that despite how dire things feel, they will almost always work out way better than we expect.

I'm having an anxiety attack right now and I don't know what to do, so I'm writing down my thoughts in the hope it will help.

It started when I realised how far in over my head I am with this application for a promotion. I don't know how I'm going to get this exercise done in time, or to any sort of standard of competency. I literally have no idea how to do it and I don't think I can do the job I'm applying for.

So I talked to my boss, he's going to help me with some coaching over the next 48 hours, which helps. He told me to take some time tonight.

That's helpful because it's my best friend's birthday. He wanted to jump on Need For Speed: Heat with a bunch of us, so I jumped onto the Facebook call and started playing the beginning of the solo campaign so I could unlock multiplayer. Except despite how I actually used to be pretty decent at racing games, I suck. Horrendously. Like, even when I start to improve a bit, I actually start to get worse again.

I persevere for over an hour, drop off the Facebook call, and eventually give up on being able to even join the others without dragging down their playing experience. I don't want to be the reason other people don't have a good time.

Then I spend some time trying to get proactive with this job application thing, and do some of the training modules my boss recommended. They're super useful, but they make me realise just how much preparation I need before I'm remotely ready for this deep dive. It starts becoming harder to focus on the training, so I stop after the first one.

I decide to push through the anxiety and go find my friend so I can hopefully do something to help him enjoy his birthday. I bought a cake for him, and I wanna make a big thing of it because I really want him to feel special and loved, but I find out he's left the house. When he comes back, I honestly don't know what to say to him because I'm worried he'll pick up on how anxious I am and I don't want to ruin his day. So I go back to my room and sit with my thoughts.

And here I am. I feel completely incapable right now. I don't feel competent enough for the job I'm applying for. I don't feel competent enough to even have fun playing a game with friends. And I can't even figure out how to celebrate my best friend's birthday right.

They're on another call playing Need For Speed again. I could join. But then I might have to explain what happened earlier. Or they might pick up on my anxiety. Or I might just bring everyone down. It's better to let them have fun and I'll just stay here until I can be useful again.

I hope my friend's having a good birthday.

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hmmm

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the comics version of how darth vader found out luke was his son is honestly superior just bc how funny it is. like pov u are the most feared sith lord alive. the plan for galactic domination is going swimmingly. then the x wings show up. you humor them, and jump in a ship of your own. they are no match for your piloting skills. and that is true. except for one with a death wish. who somehow outmaneuvers you and blows up the death star. you meet him again, and what is that? a lightsaber? your lightsaber? what is the meaning of this? obi wan kept it? and obi wan gave it away so freely? & to this street rat rebel scum? you immediately have a new arch nemesis. you must know his name. you will not rest until you know his name. and then boba fett is spilling the tea, saying his name is skywal—oh. OH. fuck