drever18-blog

[drever18-blog]

Shout out to the void.

So this is purely for my own sanity that I write this more for myself than for anyone to read it but I can't sleep and I need to get the thoughts out of my head that are stuck there and preventing me from sleep. Firstly, the ever increasing desire to be accepted and supported by my family is at breaking point. I am slowly realising as time goes on that this acceptance and support will not come and that although is heartbreaking I feel like I have to push ahead and make changes in my own life. So what did I do in the past couple of weeks? I applied to two colleges that I have always wanted to attend as male and as Daniel and got interviews for both (but that's a topic for later). This week started the process of changing my name in the college I'm currently studying at. This means that within the next couple of weeks I will be out to the whole of my class and the tutors I haven't told, I'm anxious but exited yet scared of the consequences of what could happen when my family find out. As I spoke with the learning support woman about beginning this change today and allowing myself to transition socially on a much larger scale than what I'm used too I discovered that I'm not selfish and that I shouldn't feel guilty anymore. I keep playing out the different scenes in my head about the day I tell everyone and imagining their reactions which I'm sure would be positive as we all get on really well. What i gather from this is that I really need to stop caring about what my family think and really focus on making my life more positive. The way I see it is I can either do what my family tells me to do for the whole of my life and suppress these feelings and hide who I really am the whole of my life OR do what I see as the best for me in contrast to the beliefs that my family have in what they think is the best for me. I am 18 years old and I should be taking more responsibility for my life and my actions. The last 18 years I have never felt completely free to make those decisions that were mine to make. Which has resulted in poor mental health and also laziness because that mentality of taking responsibility for ones actions has never been expressed to me. Secondly or thirdly I lost count it's 3 in the morning. My interviews, I am not so nervous about the actual interview part as such it's more of the traveling there, making sure I'm at the right place and at the right time. One thing that does concern me is that my dad will be with me as I travel through to the interviews and what I'm concerned about is the fact that I am known as Daniel and that's not the name he calls me. The only way around this I believe for me to do would be good to the reception alone and sign in using only my last name. After I'm alone to attend my interview I may be a little anxious but overall I know they are just people so as long as I treat them with respect I should gain some in return. What thing that calms me down is that I already have started to pack a bag with all my stage plans and elevations and other examples of work that they may want to see which does keep me relaxed. Lastly I have been thinking quite a lot about my dear cousin who passes away a couple. Of years ago tonight I think about her every day but those memories of our final moments together consume me tonight. Especially thinking of the regrets I have the fact that I never told her that I loved and appreciated her. How i never said thank you for always checking up on me at breaks when we were at school to make sure that I was ok. Also how I was in a bad mood on our final evening together and wasn't my usual self that she was used to seeing. I regret that I left early that night and didn't spend as much time as I possibly could with her as we all didn't know what was going to happen the next day. I do look back however, on our final night alone together about a week after my 16th birthday we had a takeaway, watched MCBUSTED's first tour DVD together, ate Terry's chocolate orange, watched Morgan freeman sacking helium out of a balloon and same and danced to the MCBUSTED DVD. A fond memory of that night is us sitting down together and looking through her sketch books from the same course is what I'm studying now her showing me every thing she had done that second half of the first semester which also makes me think about how at this very moment in my life I am older than what she was when she passed and now doing the projects in the second semester that she looked forward too but unfortunately never got to experience them. When I finish this year and receive my completion certificate it will not only be for me but it will be for her as whatever I experience that we both planned to do either together or alone she'll be with me and I will realise our dreams and plans with her in my heart and by my side in spirit. My mind is shrouded with deep, complex philosophical and heartbreaking thoughts tonight and I'm not surprised now I see it all written down why I struggle to sleep tonight. I hope anyone who reads this has a pleasant day full.of good fortune and positivity. I will now try to escape to sail far away to lullaby bay. Good night.

[drever18-blog]

"You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart"

Elphaba- Wicked

[drever18-blog]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAHTyt0D6U0)

[drever18-blog]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBNladeDWfI)

[drever18-blog]

Hello.