dreamworldwonderland

[dreamworldwonderland]

"People who believe they'll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, learn it doesn't work that way.

Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

- Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

[dreamworldwonderland]

January 19, 2023 6:27am

Laying in my teenage bedroom on a visit home for Christmas that has stretched into an endless loop of flight extensions due to anxiety and inner turmoil, conflicted on how I want to see my future unfold and too paralyzed by the unknown to make a move; I find myself still facing the same torn, yet vacant feeling of yearning to be home, but on a different coast. Craving the life I have built in New York and the comfort of my beautiful Upper East Side apartment. Missing my independence and excitement of daily opportunities of the city. The chance meetings with interesting strangers who become friends, the walks in the parks that become late night adventures in a different part of town, rooftops seating in the heavens with a view that stretches all the way back to California. I miss my friends and the encouragement to chase our wildest creative dreams with no limits on how far they may go. It feels like such a separate world from this cozy little beach town. I crave to be fully immersed in both simultaneously no matter how physically impossible. And no matter how badly I may miss my world in NY, I know I will desire to be back, nestled in my teenage room, knowing my mom sleeping is in the room next door as I have a night I can’t sleep in my own bed. I’m not sure if this cycle will ever end or if others are plagued by it as I have been, but from what I’ve experienced.. it doesn’t get easier, you’ll forever crave what you cannot have.

DAY 2

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling like I half of my heart spread across a city that is half way across the country. 

[dreamworldwonderland]

T House of Mystery + Kishin Shinoyama

[dreamworldwonderland]

For what it’s worth, this is the quote that keeps me yearning for wonderland.

🧡

[dreamworldwonderland]

November 8, 2022 - 5:31 am

Seven years later - I find myself at 5:31 am, avoiding sleep under the light of a blood moon in my Upper East Side apartment, asking the same question and feeling as unsure as I did back then.

Truly I don’t know if it ever goes away, there are times when the intensity drowns away in the noise of life but then there are other nights where it comes rushing back in with vengeance and grips you in a way that you have no choice than to acknowledge it and consider making a trip to ease the suffering or a life change to find some balance that has been craved.

DAY 2

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling like I half of my heart spread across a city that is half way across the country. 

[dreamworldwonderland]

10/29/21 6:22am

I held onto you for what felt like an eternity, only for you talk walk away with her instead. You promised me the world if I could minimize myself enough to fit into yours and once we realized we could, you turned away and told me I wasn’t worth the risk. The risk for love, the risk for happiness; a life that we had spent years creating and designing together. But it wasn’t worth the risk, I wasn’t worth the risk. You called me a coward and a whore for breaking my bonds from religious holds and living a life I was proud of. I somewhat understand, you had never seen me blossomed and living as someone who was finally in control of her own life, you had only seen me as a young woman, eager to please, only satisfied by words of gratitude from those I loved, those who were strangers, those who chose to manipulate me. You had only seen a younger version who still had her strength but who was still developing her backbone and character. You fell in love with a version of me that had learned to grow since then; as I had fallen in love with every version of you that you chose to share with me. Never did I stop loving you, through each phase, each style, each personality and life lesson you were taking head on, I loved something at your core and could never let my flame dye for you. When we saw each other again, after spending days locked in hotel rooms high on life and the warmth and fear of each other, you told me that you loved me but you wanted to see me look like that younger self again. Change my hair and my style, wear pretty dresses again, little to no make up, and just be sweet for you. But as I listened to these words leave your lips, I instantly felt the urge to protect myself, protect the inner being who had fought so hard to be here, to be present and heard and loved and celebrated for her own originality and creativity, for her genius and genuine love. She had fought so hard to exist again, and had stood up against everyone she had ever loved that wanted to change her, she had come so far only to have the only man’s approval that she desired air on the side of judgement and disappointment. But in that moment is when I finally saw myself for who I was, who I am, who I am yet to be. I saw myself as my own muse. That my beauty wasn’t defined by a certain style or femininity, but by a light that burned bright from inside of me that brought joy and comfort to those who stood close enough to feel it. You wanted that because you could fill your voids with it. You wanted that younger version of me because you knew she would blindly do anything for you, you could have your cake and eat it too. Never looking at me and seeing me for who I had become since we last met, only holding onto a memory and wanting to replace me with it.

[dreamworldwonderland]

F. Scott Fitzgerald; The Beautiful and Damned

[dreamworldwonderland]

[dreamworldwonderland]

February 23, 2020

We met on a Monday in July of 2014.

You were the one who stole my heart in a glance and I equally reached out and took yours as my own from the moment I knew of your existence.

You have always been my other half. You completed me with your love, your darkness, your broken pieces and we fit into each others cracks to create our own masterpiece. We were the art and the art was magical, it was what we craved for so long.

You will always be the one that owned my heart, who influenced my head, who brought me the greatest joy and the deepest pain. Nothing and No one has ever taken so my space in my heart.

What happened to the life we wanted to the world we were creating, the love that we gave?

[dreamworldwonderland]

It’s not a blanket unless it covers your shoulders and your feet.

[dreamworldwonderland]

Jackie no. 355, October 24th, 1970

[dreamworldwonderland]

4:33 AM - October 15

Sometimes it's hard to fall asleep at night.

And it's usually when my life is doing just fine my mind and decides to wander off into thoughts about previous chapters of my life.

Tonight, I thought of you. The one who has hurt me and shattered my heart beyond pain I had ever felt.

I took a moment to review memories, I tried to remember good times, but everything was always end in tears. You were so unattached to life and the people around you. Even trying to connect to you seemed impossible, because connecting to you meant having to become like you.

When we first met, you loved me for my joy and outlook on life. You said knowing me made you a better person and that I was the good to your evil. I didn't understand it at the time, but it all makes sense now. Over time your evil overpowered my good to the point where I couldn't see straight anymore. I would wake up feeling so confused, never knowing which way was up and which way was down. Getting lost in you meant losing my sensitively to morality and humanity, which ultimately meant losing myself.

Holding onto you meant letting go of everything else I held near to me. Whether it was places, careers, accomplishments, future goals, my joy, my peace, even down to my friends and family... you wanted complete isolation and absolute control over me.

And for sometime I let you have it.

And you took everything from me.

You told me I was worthless and unlovable.

You would shame me and break me down every day that I would attempt to find my way again.

You loved to see me weak and fragile. Depending on only you for survival.

It is scary to think that after the years of hurt that I had live through before and all the walls that I had built to keep me safe.. that you could so easily walk right through them and steal every ounce of joy and peace and leave me with complete despair and agony.

You were truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I wish I had never met you.

[dreamworldwonderland]

♥

[dreamworldwonderland]

FRIDAY the 13th • 12:26AM

Tonight has been interesting.

I took some time to look through some old accounts and see what's been some of the main focuses of my heart in the past few years..

Let's just say.. when I'm HAPPY, I write.

When I'm SAD, I write.

When something amazing / memorable happens I take pictures and I write..

When I'm discouraged about my life, feel like I wandered off course or disappointed by my "lack of achievements" I write

AND

When I'm broken-hearted, I have a complete melt down, lay in bed for a couple hours (sometimes days..) until I find this new driving sense of purpose and passion for life and I write some more.

Basically, I have this subconscious need to document the highs, lows, and boring blah days of my life. And I've been like this for as far back as I can remember..

I've always kept a journal, but never an ordinary journal.. my notebooks have always been a gateway to my adventures and key to my outlook on life but in a coffee table type read.

Sometimes there are major paragraphs with pages and pages filled with juicy details.. other times I will tape the signed napkin or birthday card or cut out a newspaper article just to give more context to what I'm explaining.

The more I write the better I feel.

Maybe it's because I've spent so much time unknowingly training myself to appear meek, gentle, and in the background; all while my insides were bursting to express myself and share my opinions even if they weren't seen as valuable.

The more I write, the more I'm honest.

Maybe because I'm finally allowing myself to really reflect on the ups and downs and have an honest reaction to them without fear of the reaction of others.

Either way, I'm glad to be here.

I'm learning to be free again.

I want to write again.

♥️ •Sasha XO•

[dreamworldwonderland]

The newspaper biz

[dreamworldwonderland]

Moon Girl #4 (1948)

art by Sheldon Moldoff 

Clare Lune

[dreamworldwonderland]

You didn’t deserve me.