dreamerflowergirl

[dreamerflowergirl]

Hw: 270

Cw: 250

Gw: 185

Lw: 154

[dreamerflowergirl]

I hate myself I went from starving myself to the point that I was so hungry I just couldnt stop eating and now i have bed. Tomorrow let me relapse and start starving myself again.

[dreamerflowergirl]

If a child is so afraid of getting in trouble that they don't come to their parents when they make a mistake that could possibly put their health or even their life in danger, then those parents have failed.

If something goes wrong, and the first thing that child thinks is, "oh god, my parents are gonna kill me," then the parents have failed.

If a child is afraid of their parents, if the child sees their parents as an active threat instead of a source of safety and guidance, then the parents have failed.

A parents job is to protect, to teach, to guide.

If a parent makes themself a danger to the child, in any capacity, then that parent has failed.

[dreamerflowergirl]

What if I just killed myself would it really matter? Would anyone really care, I just want to make it to 16, 10

[dreamerflowergirl]

I just want to be skinny

[dreamerflowergirl]

I’m hungry?

1, 2, 3, too many

All I want to do is look like Jenny

To be beautiful, to be pretty

And not just be considered witty

I used to be fearless

Now I’m just cheerless

It’s not a normal fear 

Please don’t sneer

Cake, cookies, anything sweet 

These are the things I can not eat

Too many calories, too much weight 

I can’t even eat what is on my plate

Not because I am allergic 

Or because it tastes like detergent

It’s because of the things you said

Too big, Too fat, I wanted to be dead 

Those words made me dread

Simplicities like bread

I just look at it and cry

While I cut into my thigh

Then I finally give in 

But I can already see my double chin

I eat everything in sight

In just one big bite

I fall back 

It hits me like a smack

I can see my ribs

I wish I weighed as much as I did in the cribs

It’s like a rollercoaster

Just like a chicken in a roaster

I don’t know when I will finish this ride

Maybe when my tears are dried

I just want to be skinny

And not look like the Pooh, Mr. Winnie

No matter how thin I am 

I just feel like a scam

When people called me pretty I was sick

But hey I was a hot chick

I’m not pretty anymore 

Because all I do is eat and cry on the floor

I’m trying to get better

you’ll understand when you get my letter

[dreamerflowergirl]

I’ve gained 20lbs since January, I hate going ahywhere, I feel disgusting and fat, Im 30lbs away from my goal weight. I hate my body so much.

what happened when I gained 10 kg:

- the more weight I gained the more insecure I felt and the more I hated myself 

- I’m bloated; my stomach looks so fat and gross

- my face is fat, round, and wide

- cellulite everywhere 

- disgusting chunky huge thighs that jiggle all the time

- huge flabby arms 

- feeling out of control and ‘crazy’

- stretch marks everywhere

- not being able to wear cute clothes and clothes being tight on me

- terrible skin

- I am increasingly more anxious 

- spending so much money on food 

-  I get less compliments 

- feeling like everyone is staring at how fat you are 

- being too insecure to leave the house

- I look horrible in pictures 

- not being able to go to the pool or beach

- not being able to take pictures in general because of how bad I look

please, don’t binge. it’s not worth it. the urge will be gone in 5-10 minutes. you can do this. we’re in this together– let’s get to our goal weight by fall. 

[dreamerflowergirl]

Abusive parents and eating disorders and depression dont mix well.

[dreamerflowergirl]

sw: 250lbs

cw: 202lbs

gw: 170lbs

LW: 184lbs

[dreamerflowergirl]

People when I was fat: You're a pig, you should just kys, fat, huge.

People after I starved myself: Wow, you look so good, how did you do it? You look amazing.

Me: *ashamed of how I lost the weight but happy people think I'm pretty*

[dreamerflowergirl]

I want to be pretty, so I must be skinny.

[dreamerflowergirl]

I hate men

Showing too much?

It started at nine 

That’s where I should of drawn the line

It was sexualized, my spine

When society started to decline 

I was showing my shoulders 

While caring some folders

It was too sexy 

They looked at me like I was a pepsi 

A drink for them to taste 

While they grab my waist

I stand there disgraced

I wanted to show my shoulders 

It’s not like I was try to move boulders

I was just trying to get things changed

But instead I get my whole life rearranged

They stare like I’m a piece of meat 

Like I’m some sort of treat

Something for them to eat

I just wish men went vegan 

Instead of having to say me again

Thirteen it happened again

I got detention then

I told them to stop 

That my body wasn’t a prop

They told me my pants were too tight 

It might cause a fight

I was too distracting 

Who knows how the men would be acting 

So i was taken out of class

Without a pass

Because of the existence of my ass

I was a little girl 

When guys would say give me a twirl

I wanted to hurl

I walk down the street 

They stare like I am something sweet

So I go back in defeat

I am in highschool now 

When I walk they still shout wow 

I just raise a brow

Because men are cows

Always hungry 

Unless you are among three

Three men that don't catcall

Hey doll 

Or treat us like a soccer ball

Finished once they reach their goal 

To score to crush our soul 

Be in total control

Take what's ours stole

I am a treat, but not for men

I  do want I want, when

I will always win 

Never again will I spin 

I won't let them touch my skin

Everything that matters is within

I am the best 

I won’t let men detest

Men will  not stare at my chest

I will protest

They will not be addressed

And I won’t become depressed

Men won’t control want I wear 

Because I don’t care

I wear want I want, I declare

I won’t ever be in despair 

I share my story with you 

Because you never knew

What I have been through

You judged me without seeing my point of view

No one will have a say 

I will let nothing ruin my day

I am not something for display

I am not an essay

Something for you to grade

Because I will not be betrayed

I will not be afraid 

And I will not fall like a crusade

I am  in a war

Fighting for more

Fighting to not be called a whore

Or a bore

When I walk

And when men gawk

I wish they lost their eyes to a hawk

We are soldiers

Fighting for the right to bare of shoulders 

Men will not have a say we are controllers

My spine

It is mine

I decide when and want I can show

And I should not be called a hoe

Men should know how to behave 

Or they will be in the grave

If they listen they will be forgave

Just please close your mouth about my body 

I am not your friend Scotty

Don’t call me a hottie

I hope it wasn’t too gorey

I hope you learn something from this story

[dreamerflowergirl]

I wrote this poem when I was happy

Who Cares About Them?

I poke and prod and stare 

into the mirror While I am bare

wherever I go they glare

Like I am some sort of bear

I scare them

I want to disappear

While they sneer and stare in fear

Of who I am and want to be 

I  have dreams but they disagree

They say I should sit 

follow their rules and quit

Lose some weight 

So I’ll get a date

Cover myself up

So I don’t have guys yelling “Sup”

Show some skin

So guys will grin

Follow these rules they say

But yet when I do, they don’t shout hooray

I followed every rule given to me

Yet I am not filled with glee

I am now thin

I never have a grin 

I show my body 

He took advantage, god he 

I dress like a boy

Yet I am still treated like a toy

A broken toy, that can’t be fixed

Like a smoothie that isn’t mixed

I am defective they say 

I’m done with this foul play 

I won’t let them control me this way 

I won’t let them control how much I weigh

So I tell them have a terrible day 

To the edge I was driven 

But still not a single damn was given

So I am done following every rule 

I am done being treated like a tool

Being mishandled and used 

I am so bruised

Yet I am so happy 

I don’t mean to sound snappy

 Or sappy

But I am free

Free to be however I see 

I can get a degree

I can go drink some tea by the sea

Hell I can even dress like a tree

They held me captive 

But I am adaptive 

When they see me 

They look at me like I am a pea 

Yet it doesn’t matter, because I am carefree

They tell me I have changed

But they are just deranged

I pretend I can’t hear them

And they look at me strange

SO I pretend I can not see them 

And they try with an ahem

I ignore and go back to where I started

Where I last departed 

Where my heart is guarded

Where I could be bare 

And not in despair 

My mirror, I was happy there

When I finally get back to my mirror 

I am a lot cheerer

And my mind is a lot clearer

I don’t point out my imperfections like them

I just stare in the mirror and all I see is a gem

I am perfect despite what they say

I take their opinion and throw it away 

Because never again will anyone ruin my day

I walk without a worry in the world

Except if my fries are curled

I don’t let my weight 

Control who I date

I don’t dress to impress men

I dress how I want because I am a ten

My life is good 

 all because I could

I knew they were scum

Because I wasn’t dumb

I saw through their lies

That caused me so many cries 

And from there all I saw were clear blue skies

[dreamerflowergirl]

Introduction

Hi, everyone, I am a binge eater, an restrictive eater, and a bulimic. Nice to meet you, I also have depression, I sh, I have body dysphoria,  I am suicidal, and I am abused. I want to get better.

[dreamerflowergirl]

Snacks under 100 cals

1 peach

1 orange

1 green apple

1 grapefruit

1 rice cake

1 frozen yogurt bar

1 cup of watermelons

1 cup of blueberries

1/2 cup raspberries

3 cups of plain popcorn

10 cherries

16 cherry tomatoes

omelette made with 2 eggwhites