dreamereunhye

[dreamereunhye]

I've always wanted to experience a moment where I could automatically receives God's reply to what I pray for and today is the day 🤣

It's my birthday today and I decided to write in my journal because I felt so grateful for the life I have and how much I've realized life is worth living. I asked him "Just stay there Lord, okay (Basta, dyan ka lang Lord ha) please continue to remind me that You, if not always by my side, carries me through everything and that's all that I need to live my life beautifully". I decided to make an IG story then, to share a beautiful reminder-- opened my ipad to check if the post is grammatically correct-- 4:44 am. It does not feel as though an ordinary time, it felt like a message, so I searched in google and was amazed. I was in tears and felt so happy that I know He answered right away.

[dreamereunhye]

I learned that not everyone is ready to listen to your beliefs or even entertain a question that you have because its something that don't interests them.

How to manage: Do not discuss or ask the wrong people. When you feel any doubt that a person won't understand you, it's probably right.

[dreamereunhye]

It's always like this, left alone. I always wonder if you do it to give me space or to give yourself space, either way it does end up getting "fixed" so why should I even feel like this.

[dreamereunhye]

I reached my turning point. It started last August so I apologised and detached, not completely yet but I am learning. If love is what I need to lessen so I can finally stop caring a lot and prioritise my peace then I'd gladly do it.

Loving and caring wholeheartedly either for my family, friends or significant others involves a lot of stories to tell, random things to share, gift giving and telling them things I should've just kept to myself. I am tired of being like this, the constant need to speak my mind and let people know what I feel-- worst, is when I assume they needed to hear what I think about them or their situation or anything about them. I end up giving unsolicited advice. Do you know that unexplained feeling when you're lying down in bed then suddenly you remembered you've said this without them asking? The instant feeling of regret knowing how you shouldn't have said anything. Just like you, they too can decide and think on their own and would like to keep it that way.

The unexpected recap of what I did was different this time. I realized it mid way of giving my "unsolicited advise". I was actually doing a monologue in my mind where one thinks its okay because he's my significant other and what he will do will actually affect me once we get married while the other thinks "STOP, you have no right".I felt like I am not and will never be heard in that moment even if my intention was good so I stopped speaking, asserting what I am feeling in that moment. Am I mad? so funny that I am not, more like disappointed with myself. He then murmured something like "oo nga, wala ka namang magagawa e, desisyon ko pa rin yun". I went back to being silent, asserting what I am feeling. Surprisingly, I am not mad. I am sad, again disappointed with myself and a little proud because damn right girl bingo ! What he said is actually what I felt inside. It makes me sick that I wanted to protect my peace but lately I have been accepting what those people I care about think of me so I apologise. In the process of learning not to care and forgetting that part of me who always wanted to speak and try to shed some light I am afraid I would be so sorry for myself.

I wanted to run away, far away no one could reach me. Live my life alone and at peace but a part me says pansamantala lang 'to. Once I learn what I needed to learn magiging okay din ako, but I am tired. I am getting sadder and sadder everyday and I am slowly learning to embrace it. '

[dreamereunhye]

at this point I just wanted to know If you're willing to even do things for me, even the smallest 😊 because the way I see it. No, unless I say it.

[dreamereunhye]

i am tired and overwhelmed 🙂

i don't feel well, i am worried

i feel suffocated

how long do i get to live and feel like this?

i just hope this ends

[dreamereunhye]

I'll be with him for the rest of my life.

[dreamereunhye]

just wanna be happy 🙂 i have too much emotions kept inside

[dreamereunhye]

the constant fear and anxiety I have, maybe it's just me

[dreamereunhye]

i guess i should just stop talking

[dreamereunhye]

I could just pretend nothing happened, go back to what I used to be but there's this unexplainable guilt, it felt like I am turning my back to what I really feel, hard to tell which is which coz neither makes me feel good

[dreamereunhye]

I can't help but feel sorry, i still don't know how to deal with it. I kind of lost myself in this phase and as much as I wanted to get myself back, I am afraid I would feel as disappointed as I was the first time I really had the excitement of everything. At this point, I'm just hoping for a little more patience.

[dreamereunhye]

You're so used to not check on me everytime you know I feel sad or in pain.

[dreamereunhye]

How do I stop being sad? What am I really feeling? This phase, how this will end? Sadly, this is all on me. I want to dettach without creating anymore pain. Is that even possible? We're are we going with this?

[dreamereunhye]

everything will be fine, it will be I promise. It always does 😊

[dreamereunhye]

what if... trying to set things right because I'm a messed and currently getting off the track 😊

[dreamereunhye]

I have my own pace, my own timeline. When the time is right, I will be able to have whatever it is I am meant for.