dreamentor

[dreamentor]

a lot has happened since i last wrote... 

for one, i still think you every day. it’s definitely less — i don’t even really know what i think about when i think about you but i do. the pain is buried deeply enough where it doesn’t bother me on a daily basis but i am hyper aware of its presence nonetheless. i can dig just a little bit and everything will come crawling back out. i haven’t dug in a while. 

i have been seeing someone who makes me feel so desired... everything i always thought was true about real love. i know it’s true and real to us. i also know it’s unhealthy and not sustainable. i know i would be better without him. maybe he’d be better without me too. i imagine this must have been how you felt when you left me. 

i am, for once in my life, ok with my body and who i am. i don’t feel like a princess every day but i also don’t look in the mirror with absolute disgust anymore. it’s really nice. and i think i’m finally coming into myself... the real me... the surer, kinder, simpler, more naive, more certain me. 

all these things make me think of you. everything makes me think of you. that hasn’t changed. there is no one else i’d want to share all of this with — the discovery, the explorations, the revelations. it’s the last thing i want to do but i stay away because i know you’re better that way. i know i wasn’t easy to love and part of me resisted it... i know you know that. i know i know nothing. 

i know i’ll be happy and maybe i’ll even forget about you one day. i wish i wasn’t dweller. i wish i could’ve gotten closure. i wish i could’ve seen you and hugged you one last time — knowing it was the last. i wish i could show you all the times you quieted my anxiety, supported me unconditionally, and breathed life into me. i wish i could show you all the ways in which you saved my life over and over again. 

the more time that goes by, the less likely it is that i’ll ever see you again. i know that now... i’m so glad to have seen you. i’m so glad to have seen you at all. 

[dreamentor]

no one told me…

that i’d still be thinking about you a year later

that if everyone asks one small thing of me, i’d have to wrap my arms all over myself just to keep from falling apart

that strength is only true with endurance by its side

that my 25th bday might be the last i spend with my mom on this earth

no one told me how hard this would all be. no one told me i’d be doing it all alone.

[dreamentor]

time is essential in healing. i know it sounds obvious.

i’ve been on this journey for over six months now but i haven’t forgotten a single thing — the mornings and nights i spent crying (and still do), the heaviness in my heart and throat, the dissociating, the isolation, the loneliness, the insecurities boiling over, and the fury and devastation behind every cut i made in my body.

but i also regained things i didn’t even know i had lost… my sense of self came back in a creeping, empowering way. i had to remember what i loved and what i dreamt about. having to care about and for myself. learning to love again. i’m still trying to remember.

all this to say: i didn’t think i would get here. every day just dragged and waking up to this reality was truly torturous every single damn morning. but i out-patienced my patience — it was the hardest thing i’ve ever done and i never thought it’d be here but i made it. hoping this strength stays with me for the next time i’m feeling that way again… as it inevitably will come again.

i’m here another day. that’s all that matters to me.

[dreamentor]

I still fucking love you

[dreamentor]

i’m finding that nothing will bring you back.

i could kill myself right now and that wouldn’t change things. but if i die, maybe i can find myself again. maybe i can find it within me to keep going. or maybe it all just ends.

[dreamentor]

no thoughts, just stillness

[dreamentor]

i’m looking back at pictures from 2011-2015... there’s so much hurt there. 

we were all so, so young and naive. spending so much time and effort to fit in, to be liked, to be loved, to be accepted. we morphed into people who aren’t even close to who we really are and in the process, some of us fell into addiction, dropped out of school, served jail time, and simply lost our way. in this way, i consider myself lucky -- it was all luck, but i didn’t leave unscathed. 

i lied to my mom almost every day, i risked my life, i was depressed for the first time, i hate my body today because of the pressures and ideas that were planted in me 8+ years ago, i was in a toxic relationship, i was cheated on, i was sexually assaulted over and over, i developed bad coping mechanisms, i lost so many friends, lost years of my life going backwards... the list goes on. 

but i already knew all that. what’s surprising to me while looking back and remembering those years is the amount of hurt, intentional or unintentional, i caused other people. most of it was because i was naive but all of it was preventable. i cared (too much) about being liked and being right. i was and am still so stubborn. when i found out i was cheated on, i was so angry at the girl for years and the fact that she had been openly struggling too didn’t matter or honestly even occur to me. i was too busy wrapped up in my own world to see what was really happening. i wish i could apologize to her. i wish i had been angry enough at my partner instead. i wish i had been kinder. i wish i told my insecure friends that they are actually so pretty i was envious most of the time. i wish i held my friends as they cried instead of sitting in silence. 

i wish i could tell my friends who were lost that it was going to be okay and that i was lost too but that we’d find our way again together. 

[dreamentor]

I am so fucking exhausted, fuck

[dreamentor]

sometimes, everything is overwhelming and i have no choice but to cry. i am so hateful to my body; like how on some days, i am untouchable. i can’t look in the mirror. i’ll go for a couple of days and feel so good about how i look and then i’ll fuck up. i’ll eat too much, overcompensate for the days i starved. then i’ll take a selfie or catch myself in the mirror and the misery starts to bubble. 

and once it’s boiling over, i have to puke it out. sometimes, i miss the op and i’m stuck with feeling fat. it’s not a habit yet but it’s nearly there and i’m just so afraid and tired of wanting to be things i will never be. how will anyone ever love me? when i’m like this? typing these thoughts out feels immature but i can’t help but feel like these are the questions at the root of my troubles. how will anyone ever love me? and will i believe them? 

[dreamentor]

I have to remember not to blurt it out but: I think I love you.

[dreamentor]

“It passes, but it does not pass away.”

— László Krasznahorkai; The Melancholy of Resistance

[dreamentor]

feeling so much anxiety lately 

i’m sweaty and i feel like i can’t breathe and my heart feels like it’s dropping over and over again 

and you are the only person who says the right things, who will understand

but i feel uglier than ever and can’t convince myself

to tell you 

[dreamentor]

i know nothing but the hollowness of my skin

[dreamentor]

feeling this now more than ever

[dreamentor]

I am grateful. loving. loved. unhappy. ambitious. stubborn. observant. impatient. a cat mother. kind yet cold. difficult. manic. curious. relentless. alive.

[dreamentor]

I'm not as sad as I once was. At least not today.

[dreamentor]

Years ago, before I went to sleep, I'd lift myself up onto the balls of my feet and feel my hip bones roll under my palms as I swayed side to side. The valley between the two mountains.

I don't know why I miss that feeling so much. Or who I was back then... though I'd like to think I'm a better person now. The older I get, the more my own life seems doomed. The more I want to do good. Leave the world having changed someone's life for the better, or having invented something life-saving. I know this is unlikely. I hope I'm able to reach a point in my life where the least I can do is try.