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[dreamedforgetmenots]

7.27.2019

This is a weird one. I know there was more but this is all I remember.

I was in some sort of maze that was a warryard, there were steps and turns and deadends. I eventually landed at a puzzle portion of it on a wall. Well, the puzzle was a concrete wall with 3 holes in it and 3 “fuck machine” type devices that had obnoxiously large dildos entering these holes. Somehow I turned off the machine and took a dildo to reshape it. It had the consistency of those stress squeeze toys that people could find anywhere- the cheap gooey liquid filled sacks that had a hole in them. Most had glitter and were brightly colored. You could squeeze and they wouldn’t pop. These were what the dildos were made of and I reshaped one of them to where all the filling was at the tip and tied it off to place it back on the machine like this. It couldn’t fit it in the hole and it was throwing the whole thing off. I heard someone coming.

I ran to another area, it’s a maze so I didn’t know where. My mind’s eye “zoomed out” to see 3 different areas of this wareyard maze. One area had a jar that looked like what had sperm in it. Apparently part of my mission was to grab that and take it to someone as it was a imperative to the goal (can’t remember the goal). The other area there were guards I had to avoid. At the top of the wareryard maze (which now is like a warehouse with outdoor parts of it) there were the offices and I had to avoid the people in them.

The only other thing I remember is hugging and lying dead weight on top of someone, a guy. Not sure who, but they said I was too heavy and it made me really upset.

I have a feeling Laura Dern’s character from big little lies was involved for a second, but not clear as to how.

That’s all I can remember and I don’t even want to know what this one is about 🙄.

[dreamedforgetmenots]

7.25.2019

I was in an area, a new town in a new place. There was a local bar. Streets were reminiscent of Asheville, NC. I was there to meet and catch up with Dennis, my former lover. We had not seen each other since we parted and ended our relationship, which was 3 years ago. We met at a bar that was on the property of the family farm. While we chatted and I didn’t have an idea of what to expected with this reunion, I kept imagining us reconnecting, just for the night. There was no idea of him leaving his wife or children. Something was different though. My body looks like it does now, he effortlessly handed me his phone as he lies in a bed that looked like the bed Stephanie and I shared in Switzerland. His wife was his phone background and lots of stuff was rearranged and deleted. I don’t know why he handed it to me, as I knew he was just checking in with her on it. We talked about archaeology and the interesting facts of our geographical location, then the dream ended.

I’m not sure why this dream happened. Since Dennis and I ended our affair at the end of 2016 before I moved to Salt Lake and him to Idaho, we’ve spoken maybe twice every year. Once about my upcoming job prospects since be been moving every year since then, and usually once about how I never got over our relationship. How I thought it ruined me for anyone else I would want to love. When I moved at the beginning of 2019, I had one of these moments. Unhappy in my then current relationship, but of course wouldn’t do anything about it because I do care for the boy and wanted him to be able to land on his feet, which he proved to unable do until forced out of my house here at the beginning of July. Our chat was fruitless and angry. I wanted closure. I wanted to be completely detached from him, even if my whole career trajectory is because of him (he was my boss). Over our time apart Dennis had another child, told me of how our once relationship still lingers and causes trouble for him and the wife, said that we will always have a sense of loss for what we could have been. That could he have been happier if he left her, yes, but children were his priority. I always understood the children, but he chose to make his 2nd baby around the same time he told me he loved me. I never spoke to him again after that. He took a name I had in my baby name list which he new of and gave it to the new family dog. He was cold and detached, because I get it he has to be and moved on. We don’t speak now even when it’s easier to speak due to our agency’s work chat. I hope to never speak with him again. I did love him, and I’ll carry that as a reminder that I deserve more.

[dreamedforgetmenots]

7.24.2019

Very hazy, walking with Stephanie and random people in a crowd to some destination. Different social climate. Classism was involved? Anyway, I hit something with my hip and ripped my black jeans along the outer seam, hip/thigh area. She or someone else said it was because of my weight gain my pants ripped like that. Tyler, a cute guy from middle school who told told me he loved me on our 2nd date in high school, was walking behind me, hugging me. We were happy even with people talking about my weight. I’m sure there is more, I can’t remember.

I imagine an environment like Scarowinds. Not sure why. This is definitely telling of my constant infatuation with my outward appearance and unhealthy relationship with my weight. I’ve worn makeup a total of 3 times to work, because I felt obligated to not look tired or full of circles or old. I don’t dress for men. I’m very aware of how I’ve caught some looking at me. I’m larger than before and men still look, it’s weird. I have no interest in that and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe Tyler was in this dream because he was always sweet and passive and said sorry too much. He is SAFE and respects women. He really is a nice guy. He was also the first person I ever sexted with when we were in college and I still get embarrassed thinking about it. We catch up like once every year and it’s an unspoken air that we both don’t dare touch. We’d both probably die of embarrassment of conversations that happened a decade ago!

[dreamedforgetmenots]

7.1.2019

I was an owner of a shop; kind of like a trendy version of the Cracker Barrel country store, but inside my great-grandparents house that had been converted into an open air market store where we sold expensive food items.

There was something going on. My employees and myself were indulging too much in the inventory. There was someone to be distrusted. A large modular train track ran through the area. The actor playing future Jonas from “Dark,” was someone to dispose of maybe. He had been tied near the track and I had to leave him there to let the train run over his hand and mangle it. Not sure why this was ok.

The scene changed. I was given a small mason jar like I keep weedyweeds in, but it was full of seeds that looked like dandilion seeds. The voice told me they were special and my mom’s favorite. They were of her mother, my grandmother’s, old garden where “trumpet iris” bloomed annually. What made them so special is that these seeds were taken and stored for 50 years in a controlled environment where they were sang to at a frequency only they could hear.

I can’t remember the song, but I woke up with “dream lover” in my head.

Color scheme is moody and dark. Scene switch was open, airy, sunlight beaming through the glass only.

For reference, my mother passed away 4 years ago, my grandmother 7 years ago. They were my world. I never realized how much work my grandma Bobby put into her landscaping and garden. This dream has made me search for the flower she grew. Trumpet iris doesn’t exist, and it’s hard googling for the flower you can only picture and can’t describe or know the name of. I’ll find it though. It looked like a Shepard’s crook shaped flower, color pattern of iris, but lighter and more feather like in texture. The shape of the flower isn’t real, but I was dreaming of those flowers Bobby had in her garden.

[dreamedforgetmenots]

This is my dream journal.

I’ve always wanted one, but never could follow through with the writings. Here’s my first attempt!

Let’s interpret dreams!

This is a healing space for me 💘