dream-drop-distance

[dream-drop-distance]

A letter to you.. Nah.

I don’t understand anything nowadays.  I’m going to make this about me because it’s affecting me more than I believe it affects you.  I know you’re going through a lot, believe me I do.  And the only thing I have to go off by is what you tell me, and the obvious.

I never questioned our relationship at all.  Everything was amazing, and then slowly started drifting when things happened via disagreements.  I know I brought up Husar, but now I have to bring up Su.  You’re entertaining these other guys when I’m your boyfriend.  I understand Husar is your best friend, but I see how you are around him.  I HEAR how you talk about him, and you get suuuuuuuuper defensive when anyone says anything.  On top of that, when we were all talking about instagram the other day, I decided to check yours out, out of curiousity.  Amazing photos as always, until I noticed 2 things.  One, you have literally no photos of us on there--  your boyfriend by the way.  And two, the only guy who’s photos you have with on there, are of Husar.  Red flag, babe.  We started dating Feb 8th.  It’s March Xth.  There’s been MANY instances too, where I would log in knowing you’d be home at the usual time, and you’d ignore me.  Then I see you with Husar, running off to do things with him.  Never inviting me even though I had no plans.  I’d join if I were free, I’d tell you no if I were busy.  You’re missing out on this point that I wanna do things with you, and declining invitations sometimes doesn’t mean I never wanna do things ever again.  He still doesn’t even know you’re taken, and that’s a pretty big red flag--  because you said you guys don’t really talk about RL stuff yet you know about his Grandma and stuff, and that’s pretty personal.  Yet, you can’t seem to tell him you’re seeing someone and that maybe him and I could be friends, too?  What?

Now dropping it onto Su--  I know for a fact you have been significantly closer to Su these past days/weeks.  I’m lead to believe you’ve been on call with him, which is why you ignore me.  The times I join you guys in Discord VC, some of the things he says and types have been pretty sus.  They lead to have interest with you and I’m sure you probably think nothing of it--  but I do, because you’re entertaining him instead of me.  It doesn’t matter if he’s a good friend, and it especially doesn’t matter if you’re in the same static as him.  I don’t know why he takes priority these days, and why I’m constantly trying to fight for attention.  Another red flag.

That brings me to the biggest concern I have, and that’s that NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS know that we’re dating.  Literally not a single person.  I am your best-kept secret.  You are ashamed and embarrassed to tell them.  It has nothing to do with any drama that could come of it.  You don’t want them knowing, and I can tell.  Why is that that not even your best friend knows we’re dating, and that she DM’d me calling me out for “causing drama”?  I don’t get it.  This isn’t even a relationship at this point.  Hugest red flag for me.  By now, they should have a right to know we’re dating.  What we do isn’t their business, but not telling people enables people like Su to keep hitting on you.  Unless that’s what you actually want.  It makes sense why you questioned the whole “can be jealous” thing.  I feel like you like the attention.

Last point of concern, and not as big as what I have addressed thus far.  Why is it that we went from consistently talking and you consistently giving me attention, to barely giving me any attention at all?  You ignore me sometimes in voice chat with the group.  In-game, especially lately at venues, you say hi to me and then proceed to ignore me the rest of the time I’m there.  You know how much it hurts to hear my girlfriend tell me that she can’t provide me attention, or that she comes off not caring to talk to me anymore?  Look, I understand completely that you’ve been stressed out about all sorts of things.  I understand you have other priorities, #1 being your children, and #2 your work.  But after those two, you would think because we are in a relationship that I would be your #3.  But no, that’s not the case.  Not lately.  Lately it’s definitely been Husar, and now even Su.

My friends see you when you’re at venues.  They all know who you are.  They see who you’re with.  They’ve all confirmed that you’ve been with Su an insane amount when I’m not around.  They know that when I’m gone, you’re with him.  They also know that you’re around Husar a lot.  They notice these things because they know we’re supposed to be in a relationship.  Nobody on your end knows you’re in a relationship, and that makes me question OUR relationship.  You didn’t want my friends knowing about us but accepted it anyway.  You had to.

You’ve claimed before that you only want me to be happy, but how can I be happy if lately you’ve been making me feel like trash?  I’m depressed because of you, and the reason why I never said anything is because I do

[dream-drop-distance]

I had another one of those dreams about my "destined one". This one I definitely saw a face, and she was probably mid 20's. Blonde, fairly tan skin. Beautiful smile. We didn't do anything romantic or sexual, but she was very, very supportive. She kept making sure I wasn't going to be late and simple things like that. Which, coincidentally, I was almost late to my conference that my dad was supposed to be there for? And sure enough it was like the dream was telling me to wake up because I have errands I'm supposed to run. Not sure what the dream itself is really saying, because "don't be late" it ain't.

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It's been a long while since I had a lucid dream. Maybe that means something. Anyway, all I know is there was a girl in there who was supposed to be the love of my life. Her name was Yasmine or Yasmina or something.. I think. Brunette, dark skin. All I can remember is, driving and constantly being sidetracked from getting to her. Wanted to share a kiss.

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10.29.20

This unrequited love sucks. This friendship is honestly trash. I deserve so much more than any of this. Everyone I know hates the fact that I won't move on and they especially hate that I would go back to you at any given time. I myself don't know why I'm still here because you threw me away.

[dream-drop-distance]

Some things don't add up. She accidentally said maybe what she felt wasn't love, with me. But then quickly said it wasn't what she meant to say. Outside sources tell me that I shouldn't be chasing after one-sided relationships and that my situation is a "not the right person or time". What if it's the right person but wrong time? Because, I can see myself having a future with her. Whether or not it actually happens, nobody knows. But one thing is for sure, if she truly loved me, she would have fought. Or so, says another outside source. You don't just discard feelings that are supposed to be strong, especially when I fought tooth and nail. Again, from and outside source, this is what I'm being told. So.. There's that.

[dream-drop-distance]

Lost Count.

I lost count of how long it's been since then, and it's always a thought in the back of my head nowadays.  Would I go back to her if the universe allowed it?  I'm fine with how things are, but there's an empty space in my heart.  She did take a huge part of me.

[dream-drop-distance]

Selena Gomez - Back to You

Hailee Steinfeld - I Love You's

[dream-drop-distance]

See-saw.

There are days where I feel like I moved on and everything is great.  Then there’s days where I feel the world is crumbling around me and I relapse.  Feeling like, I can’t live without her and I don’t want to live anymore.  I’m at the point where I should worry about myself and not care about her feelings when she has made it apparent, every single day, that she’s moved on and never coming back.  Like hey, cool tweet about how much you love fucking your new boyfriend. 10.15.20

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My friendship isn't what it should be. It's not fake but it isn't real either. Someone I claimed to be a best friend, hasn't treated me like such. I barely get to talk to her because she's too busy being with and clinging to her boyfriend. I invested 3 years and even if you removed the romance or lack of, my friendship doesn't mean much. She puts her boyfriend above everyone, whom she's known for just 2 months. Disregarding the fact that she feels like she's known him a lifetime, I put in the ground work only to have it tossed aside. She may not agree or feel it so, but it IS so. It's facts. As a best friend, why do I see and talk to her very little and he's with her 24/7?

In retrospect if her and I were together she would put me above everyone else too, but with me it would make more sense because again, 3 years of investment and groundwork I put in. The shower thoughts tonight were more real than any fantasy I've had with her and it sucks. It sucks that I've come to realize my worth, and it's very close to nothing. This is how I feel and what my mind says.

It's not like we even talk. It's small talk and RP hang outs that are honestly not doing much for me anymore. It's a glimmer of what I could have had, but nowadays almost fake. Platonically, we shouldn't even be doing the things we do. But here I am, lost in all of this. The wanting to help her with anything is waning. My love for her is slowly decaying. I can't even tell her I love her anymore and mean it, because I've been feeling like I'm being taken for granted.

Now begs the question. Am I still IN love with her? Lately, it's been hard to answer that. Do I still love her? Also hard to answer.

10.03.20

[dream-drop-distance]

So far, she's gotten super depressed because him and his family could be Trump supporters. Conveniently it "turns out" that his views align with hers. Then earlier today, she got super mad and depressed because he lied to her for a whole month about being a virgin. It's not serious but to some it's a pretty big deal.

Honestly, this kid is sounding more and more like a fuck boy.

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She doesn't like it when people give input on her choices. It's like she purposely goes down a rabbit hole but hates it if people try to follow her just in case someone happens. I'm so done. She doesn't appreciate me as much as she claims.

[dream-drop-distance]

I don't love you. I never loved you. I fought for something fake because you decided I wasn't worth it or good enough. I wanted to show you otherwise. The reason why I fought so hard was because I wanted to prove you wrong. You mean nothing to me. Our friendship is hollow because I pretend I care when really I just miss having someone around. I'm glad you moved on and I'm glad I'm barely in your life. I wasn't invested in our 3 years. I wasted 3 years because I was bored.

Lies. 09.29.20

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Fancy that. Her boyfriend, and Dusk, both live in Ohio.

The perfect place to move to.

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Her situation right now is no different than Skelly and Kiah. Making the unsure big move that could result in pretty negative outcomes. But she don't care. She's whipped, desperate, and too clingy to her kid. I always knew she made poor decisions, but she never wanted to believe me. A lot of what I'm going through if not everything I'm going through, is due to her poor decisions. Hypothetically speaking even if I wait it out, would anything go back to normal? Friendship included? Because as it stands, I don't even feel like that around her anymore. I still don't know why she values Skelly's friendship over mine, or even Dusk. But here I am. "competing".

09.27.20

[dream-drop-distance]

She chose not to hang out with me after all.

After the concert things left on a shitty note.

All her decision.

09.26.20

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09.23.20

Had another blow up. Pretty serious this one.

Side note, she was apparently bored of the RP but never communicated.

6 weeks of trying and fighting for anything.

Day 1 of no longer caring.