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[drake-feels-for-days]

15.

Do you ever wonder if animals have feelings? I'm no talking about sense-wise, because that is a definite yes. I mean emotional feelings. I wonder if they ever analyze how they feel. I wonder if they can hear a song and feel something the way we do. I wonder if the smell of certain humans makes them feel safe. I wonder if they crave emotional numbness. I wonder what animals feel when they fall in love. I wonder how emotions differ for them and humans. I even wonder if they wonder. I spent a great chunk of my time observing my cat. He spends so much of his time looking out the window and I wonder what he feels sitting there like a woman waiting for her husband to return from war. Lately, I have been craving to get him a companion kitty to cuddle with because here I am again, wondering whether he feels lonely. I wonder what his lonely feels like. Is it the same lonely as I feel sometimes? I think all beings crave attention and warmth but does he? Do other animals? Am I wrong? I wonder which animals are more interested in contact and which of them are more connected with their emotions. I wonder if my cat loves the sound of Frank Ocean's voice the way I do. I wonder if he understands the emotion in songs. I wonder if all animals hate us because we're selfish. I wonder if they want us gone and if they imagine a better world without us. I wonder if they know peace. I wonder if they think about aliens. I wonder if they know about aliens and if they want to be kidnapped by them. I know I do. We're animals. We have similar motives to animals, do we not? I wonder if animals love alcohol. I wonder if they would enjoy being drunk. I wonder if they would enjoy weed. I wonder what effects it would have on them. I'm just going to lay on my cloud and wonder. I'm going to lay and wonder instead of actually testing my wondering thoughts, I'm going to be a typical human being who wants a better world but doesn't do shit to make this world better. Humans. We Ruin Everything. Even Emotions.

[drake-feels-for-days]

14.

Used. Used, the feeling every soul hurts over. The feeling that has led me to end beyond my fair share of friendships. Used. This weekend I felt the ugliness of use yet again. It was my friend's birthday. I'll call her T. She invited her new boo that I've been hearing about everyday for almost a month. Cute. Her roommate, who is our friend, I'll call her S also invited her new boo. What fun. The birthday party consisted of T and her boy, S and her guy, their friend C and his boo (C was my friend at one point too but he ditched all of our friendships for his boyfriend because he is "just using him for money and status"), my roommate W and myself. Throughout the night, if you looked around you would notice the couples sitting on the couch on their phones. Sometimes they would interact within themselves and occasionally, they would try to talk to each other. W and I were sitting in the kitchen, excluded from the high school like cliques suffocating the couches. Once in a blue moon, T or S would approach us ask us two questions and leave. As the night progressed, S and T started to approach me more but it wasn't to check on W and I, it was to try to dance with us (me in particular because at this point W was stoned over the moon). Dancing! Fun, right?! Fuck no. They would grab my hand and have me twirl them around while they made sure they were in the view of their guys. Used. I was used as a fucking display by people I thought are my friends. I'm more than willing to put them in a great light to their boos and I'm beyond happy for them for having boos in the first place but to physically use me for promotion, so to say, was the greatest FUCK NO moment of my life. When we got to the bar, we have lost C and his boyfriend. T and S were both dancing with their guys. W and I were bored to shit. Sober, single and surrounded by drunk souls. S kept turning me to face her so she could grab my hands and make me twirl her in front of her boy who was sober and disinterested in everything that was going on. S wanted me to show her off and all I wanted to do is yank my cold hand back and tell her off. I've been used numerous times and I pretended it was ok. This time I realized I have matured and having a 20-year-old female force me to twirl her like a 5-year-old in front of her crush was not in my agenda. So I gathered my shit, told W his room has flooded yet again, and made my way through the drunk crowd.

[drake-feels-for-days]

13.

"It's just a fun farewell". "Exhale once and think twice". "Gotta tell you how much I vibe with you." "Think we were better off solo". "Solo." "In Hell, in Hell there's Heaven". "The start of nothing". "If you could see my thoughts you would see your faces". "Everything sucked back then, we were friends back then". "We started from nothing." "Roaming around like I ready for a funeral". "I'm gonna swim from something bigger than me". "Swim Good". "No fear. Waves are washing me". -Frank Ocean After the last few music lectures, I realized how much of my emotional state is influenced by music. Whether the song makes me feel better, worse or just intensifies what's already there. Why? Why do emotions get so screwed by music? This answer I thought through just a bit. Some songs make me feel nothing. I become the emotionless being I strive away from. I realized those are the songsq they blast on the radio. Those songs are numb. Numb to the core, produced for profit with zero emotion aside from greed. Some songs make me feel worse. Those songs. Those songs kill what little emotional defense I have built up, in the worst way possible. I think of those songs as the worst emotional aspects of the individuals that produced them. The people behind those songs seem disinterested in the content or they're going trough a shit storm I wouldn't wish on anyone. Some songs make me feel like a million bucks. Those songs don't have to make me feel good, they could reflect my blues and I would still be a happy clam because I know the person behind it was feeling. They put their emotions on blast. Sometimes I'm jealous of the artists that lay out their emotions for everyone to see and feel, emotions many accept as their own. I fear that what I feel is too intense and unnatural, yet I also know that most people feel the same (at least the ones I've talked to). So my question is: What the fuck is wrong with us?

[drake-feels-for-days]

12.

Hi How are you? These were the words my mother sent me this weekend. Little did she know, the moment I received her message I was lounging on my memory foam cloud that was previously slept on by a wild frat boy who not only scarred the precious cloud but managed to break glass in my bathroom and practically pull out my door handle off. Wild. My feelings were under going critical analysis by yours truly. My ears were being suffocated by my headphones, but the experience was pleasant because Frank Ocean was sending his feelings through the white buds. Extra. What is it like to be feeling heartbreak while listening to someone else's composition about heartbreak? Extra. More than I'd want to feel, yet it's so comforting to be understood by someone who I don't even know. I felt connected to the world through emotional haunting. Frank Ocean. Frank Ocean does what many artists cannot, he brings the feels. Listening to his music requires more than just hearing the beat, it's the lyrics. The lyrics. Once upon a time, a close friend told me he just started listening to lyrics compressed inside the song. Bless my friend but the boy is almost 21 and he just started listening to the meaty part of the song, the part where the seeds of emotion are hidden. Listening to the song releases those seeds, which are planted in the brain and watered by the beat or instruments of the tune. The more you listen to the song the greater the emotional attachment becomes, the bigger the emotional plant grows. Growth. Good, I answered to my mother. I wondered if my mother could sense my emotional fight club. I wondered if all mothers can feel their children's emotions. I couldn't answer the questions so I did what is best not done, I assumed all mothers can feel the emotional energy of their kids. I sank deeper into my mattress. Frank Ocean sank deeper into my heart. And my emotions sank deeper into my character.

[drake-feels-for-days]

11.

I have found it really difficult to write these journals. Not because I don't have anything to talk about but because all I want to talk about is my feelings, how hurt I am by M. I have come up with some scenarios that will allow people to visualize how I feel. This journal didn't take me almost two weeks for nothing. 1. Magicians assistant. M is no magician that for sure but he does make me feel like his assistant. Imagine an old fashioned magic show. The magician comes out cocky, flipping his long jet black cape, winking at all the girls, tilting his hat at his audience. Skip to the part of the show we're he cuts his assistant in half. He gently helps her into the box. As she lays there smiling, watching him flash the flashy silver rectangle blade to the audience. He slowly approaches, gently adjusting his assistant and with out her notice closes the bedazzled, red velvet box. She lays there grinding her dolled up face at the audience who are memorized by the magicians act. Charming. Charming as hell he is. Finally, he makes the move, struggling as he forces the blade through her abdomen as the audience lead forward in awe trying to make sure the blade actually makes it through her boxed body. It does. He succeeded after all the flashing and charming. He did it. He slides the two halves of her into different directions. The audience lose it! People cheer, some stand, others are still not convinced and the rest are back under his charming spell. She was forgotten. Her two sides laying in different directions. She was stuck. Stuck there watching him absorb the striking energy of every middle age man and child and of course the goo goo eye from every young and non-so-young female. He walks through the empty air between her two halves, as if she's not there at all. He got what he wanted and there she was parted in front of a crowed that made her feel emptier than the distance between her two halves. 2. A jar of black marbles. I am a jar of shiny black marbles. I sat there on the counter collecting dust. Then one day I was opened and an unknown metallic, silver liquid was being poured in. The feeling unfamiliar but not unpleasant. Every day for over two years a little bit of the liquid would be poured in, cascading into the empty crevasses between the marbles. The shocking pleasantness of the liquid was unexpected to the marbles. Then on day the jar was full. The combination of the elements was striking and comforting. But then, the silver silk began to overflow from the jar. The marbles tried to escape with the liquid, little did they realize the lid kept them grounded yet the liquid was able to squeeze through the throat of the jar and the lid, and everyday since it's been draining little by little, leaving nothing but empty crevasses and glitter on the marbles. 3. A used side-bitch.

[drake-feels-for-days]

10.

Emotionless. Unfeeling. Cold. Detached. Aloof. Why do some people think expressing emotions is disgusting? Why do people not want people to know they are hurt? Why do some people struggle with letting people know how they feel? This weekend I realized my best friend is one of these people. Now I can add his desire to be emotionless to the list of things I have denied this year. Imagine yourself going to a bar with your friends after having another not-so-human human being rip out your heart, step on it and drag it between their worn shoes and the grainy asphalt, like a four-year-old killing ants. Now, you're hurt standing in a bar with your friends who want to have fun as a group. A group that wants to forget all of their problems. You're buzzed, glancing at your friends trying to see their happy faces because at that moment that is all that matters. Nothing but the happiness of your friends and the excitement of being in a crowded place full of strangers. As your eyes make their way to the last of your friends, you notice one of them staring at a light that does not lead to a better place. The burning light echoes of off his face as he greedily swipes his quick fingers over his destroyed screen. Unemotional. He looks up, looking around the foggy, dark bar not interested in the people he calls his friends. We, his friends, pretend to not care he's on his fruitless attachment. He starts a conversation. A conversation. A conversation about himself. About how he matches with so many guys, what they messaged him, how they messaged him and how he, a hero of the twenty first century, responded to them with no emotion, no real interest. It happens, you might say. It's not a big deal. But it was not just a one time thing. Every time we go out, every time we hang out, every time we eat dinner he proudly discusses his emotionless ways. How he, a twenty first century hero, feels nothing. How can someone complain about wanting to be with someone yet be so proud of not having any emotions? Why? As someone who has spent the last semester spilling all of my emotions, I am baffled by his desire to not feel. Not feeling is like not breathing. Why would anyone want to be that way? If you don't breathe you can't smell. Not all smells are pleasant but when you smell a scent that makes you feel, feel like the world has stopped and suddenly you fit in, you are one with the world, the universe wanted you here, smelling suddenly becomes the only reason you want to breathe. And here he is. Proud of of not breathing. Proud of not living. When the world has only so many things to offer, how can you cut yourself off from one of them? What is the benefit?

[drake-feels-for-days]

9.

I was going to add loneliness to the discussion in my second essay but I thought that might have been too out of place to throwing in.  But here is what I had written for it: Recently, VICE released an article that presented the fact that many millennials feel lonely. They even questioned whether loneliness is an epidemic in today’s society (VICE, 2017). Epidemic? Maybe not, but a serious issue for sure. Currently, young people and even older ones spend a great chunk of time connecting with people online through different social media platforms. But to what extent are those connections real? Are they better than the connections people make in person? One part of the article stated, “seeking companionship when we should be looking for number one is frowned upon”. When I initially read this, I thought it meant that asking for compassion after a break-up is frowned upon, which to me would mean that loneliness is encouraged in our society. But what was stated for the article is similar because either way loneliness is the outcome. “The stigma of loneliness is so ripe that we lie to each other” (VICE, 2017). How sad? Instead of comforting each other we would rather surround ourselves with people and feel alone together. Ironic. But is it our generation’s fault? I grew up in a household that believed that sharing information or experiences with people is unnecessary. Personal and family situations had to stay private and only within the family. That was isolation in itself. Today, I find myself sharing too much (just look at by essays and blog), its like I am a drain that has been unclogged and suddenly everything is speeding down the pipe. Maybe if more people admitted they were lonely we would have more friends, we would not be online as much as we are. Maybe we would be more understanding of ourselves and communicate better.

[drake-feels-for-days]

8.

Happiness. It comes in many shapes and sizes. It comes with things and people. It comes in sayings and poems. It comes with life but pure happiness is oh so rare. The real moments of happiness are extremely memorable. Those moments burn themselves into my memory. I could be sitting on the couch and BAM! A blissful little memory sneaks its way into my present state.

Happiness.

Happiness. It’s so rare. There are places that scream with happy vibes. My favorite place in the world is my room in my mom’s house. I have been trying to make it into a personal sanctuary for five years and I have finally achieved that goal. My cloud-like white comforter catches the sunlight, perfectly reflecting it into my skin as I sink into the mattress. The queen-sized bed that fits me, my cat and all of my emotional baggage that gets unclasped and organized in my mid-dream state. The soft blues are playing through the speaker of my phone as the sun sets. That is my happiest place, no matter what the weather is like or what my mood is, the experience and the place always make me happy.  

The past few times that I have visited, it has been difficult to look at my sanctuary the same way. The memories of M would sneak into my mind and I remember everything he has told me from the beginning of our friendship. M’s presence stole a part of my sanctuary from me but the bitter sweetness of the situation remains.

My happiness now comes from the view of my happy place rather than the happy place itself. Funny how things like that change. Funny how we attach people to places, places to emotions and emotions to people. The greatest part of it all is that happiness can be attached to everything.

[drake-feels-for-days]

7.

The cruelty of heartbreak. Heartbreak makes people act out in ways that one may never have seen themselves act out in before. The surprising pain and indescribable weight of something that is not physically there can be unbearable at times. At the same time, somewhere deep inside, you recognize yourself and you are able to see who you really are and who you present yourself as. The moment of pure pain that reminds you of who you are and what you need to do to get back to being the person you were before the tsunami of emotions tried to steal your last breath. I believe everyone has certain aspects that differentiate one heartbreak from another, but emotions are what all heartbreaks have in common. It’s the same emotions recycled within different people. This is my version of a heartbreak:    During a heartbreak, the emotions you felt at the beginning intensify. The process reminds me of a spiraling mountain road. The good emotions and fond memories drive you up but when they end, you end up driving off the cliff not knowing where you are going to crash. You start replaying all the good times, all the fuzzy feelings. Then you unexpectedly crash, the force jerks you forward and whips you back, you sit in the car broken and bruised thinking how you got here. The pain is too grand for the fuzzies to fix. The process is like a mini-death. A mini-death that makes you want to crawl out of the car and change. Change completely who you are, like a snake, you want to slither out of your skin and became being. A person that the person you love does not know and does not love back. The crash is just a terrifying way of transforming and growing yourself from the old you that was “judgy” and “distant”. Heartbreak is a cruel wake-up call.

[drake-feels-for-days]

6.

Lately, I have been analyzing my emotions and I realized that to a certain extent some emotions could make me feel sick, not mentally but physically. Sometimes, I will experience heart ache, a wave of chills, or strange pause that makes me stop whatever I am doing and just sit there staring. Lately, I have been thinking of my emotions as a disease; a disease that makes me less productive. Have you seen those memes about catching feelings? They make me think that catching feelings is like catching the flu. You suffer physically and mentally for a period of time until it gets better, until you get better and then you proceed with life as it was. Maybe the people that made those memes are correct, feelings are like illnesses. You get feelings and then for the most part you are guaranteed to suffer in the end trying to get over human nature. Yes, I am ignoring the all the great beginning parts of emotional attachment to another human being because in the end, the heartbreak is more intense. Have you ever noticed that mental illnesses are associated with emotions? I did not, until I started looking at my everyday emotions. Anxiety is a state and I see it as an emotion as well. Too much anxiety can have mental and physical effects on the body. Same goes for depression, too many blues can lead to not only mental erosion but physical pain as well. Happiness can make your body feel excited and awake. Any emotion you look at it has an effect on both body and mind.

[drake-feels-for-days]

5.

I have always believed that people are more themselves when they are drunk. Their emotions spill over their being like water from an over filled glass. As someone who represses my emotions on the daily and yet feels everything possible on the inside, sometimes the only thing I can do to figure out my emotions and feelings is get drunk. So in this piece of Feels & Stuff I want to share one of many things I wrote while I was alone, sad and drunk. The funny part about this is that I wrote about emotions (I am just a giant joke or what?). “I feel like there's no such thing as having one emotion at a time considering that we're emotional 24/7.  I believe that we just do not recognize that we feel happy or angry just a hint when we're sad. I'm no writer or  a smart person for a matter of fact but I do believe that  deep down! I'm drunk right now and that is what is moving me in my subconscious. Emotions unlike people work together to exert the ultimate effect on a human body because truthfully sometimes I'm happy as a clam to be sad Because at least I'm keeping myself grounded. I dearly hope I don't loose my emotions or my opinionated mind or my appetite to overcome asshole in my life that to this day think they are better.” I felt like leaving in the grammatical mistakes because they make it more human.

[drake-feels-for-days]

4.

After four weeks of discussing feeling, I'd like to add another questionable journal with another oh-so-great experience that made me question my emotional response. This weekend I went home, away from the school environment to pet my cat, see my mom and sleep on a cloud that even royalty would envy. Before I got to enjoy any of the following I decided to stop by Whole Foods for a bite to eat. I love Whole Foods. There's no place on Earth that makes me feel so comfortable shopping. It's the one place where I feel emotionally content. Well, this time a guy in a fucking Batman shirt managed to fuck up my emotional satisfaction. I didn't care for him to begin with considering I'm still totally heartbroken over my crush. We were both in different areas of the same section. Having missed International Pizza Day, I was determined to catch up. So I made my way straight to the pizza section. I stood there waiting for the woman slicing the pizza to finish her sarcastic conversation with someone. While standing there I noticed him slowly creeping over from my left, and I started to hate him. I've never met him and the only thing I felt for his was hate (I think it was the shirt). "That pizza looks good", was his comment. I know, I thought that's why I'm here. "Yeah, it does", I said as I looked back at the pizza wishing it would save me from my misery. I already have to be home where my crush lives. I have to deal with the fact that we don't talk anymore and I can't reach out to him and talk to him the way I used to. What a great thought I know, just writing this makes me want to cry. And there I was standing in front of pizza trying to not get upset at the thought of my crush while this guy in a fucking Batman shirt tried to enlighten me about how good the pizza looked. I don't care for super heroes, they all seem like fakes to me. Reading that article about heroes and villains and Goetz made me realized that maybe I'm routing for the villain, not like Goetz but the ones in the actual films and comics. In this case, this guy with the Batman shirt was the hero and my crush was the villain and yet I would rather feel hurt and abandoned by him than saved by a guy that wants to discuss the looks of pizza. So this week I realized I'd rather be emotionally hurt than feel nothing.

[drake-feels-for-days]

3.

           Picture yourself standing on an elevated railroad track. You are surrounded by greenery that, with years, has slowly curved to form a semi tunnel with a hint of gold light peaking through the top. There is no sound other than a few chirps from birds near by and the breeze brushing through the evergreen leafs. Do you feel calm? At peace? Well don’t. As you stand there, becoming one with the surroundings a soundless train creeps up on you from behind, like a lion hiding in the tall African grasses about to pounce on gazelle. BAM! There you are, left laying on the tracks like an average innocent raccoon that was inconsiderably run over by a redneck with no soul. How does this relate to human emotions?

           Well, this past week, my feelings gushed out like the guts out of the run-over raccoon, after I found out that that someone now has a girlfriend. My anxiety levels went through the roof after I realized that I have to apply for internships, have to speak in front of twenty-five people for five minutes, prepare for a test that is all math (which I have not been good at since Algebra two) and deal with my overall sadness of what is going on with the world.

           The silent train that hit you is the same train that hit me this past week. The Hell Train of Emotion. The Hell Train does not care to see how much emotional stress you are under, it does not stop for anything or anybody, it just keeps going and no matter where you go, you will always end up in its tracks, whether you are the one climbing on to the tracks or someone else takes you to them. The Hell Train is one with nature, it shapes nature to fit its path and if you cannot adapt yourself to its path you will be crushed. As unnatural as this whole process seems, I feel like this emotions destruction is common to people. There are times when everything is good and you are one with the world and there are times that the Hell Train comes at you with every emotion you don’t desire. Sometimes that train can be repressed, you can lay down on the tracks and let it pass over you but next time, after you get up and dust yourself off, it will hit you. It will hit you way harder than it would of the first time but that’s the choice you have to make with repressing emotions.

[drake-feels-for-days]

2.

Horoscopes.

Horoscopes are based on your star sign, Leo, Aquarius, Libra, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Cancer, Taurus, Scorpio, Aries, Virgo, Gemini or Pisces. Some horoscopes get fancy and include information about the moon and other planets. Everyday you can go online and read what to expect for the day, often include what emotions you may be feeling.

The "fancy" horoscopes that include the moon and the planets are even more directed at the emotional sector of the reader's life. "Taking control of your emotions", "emotionally loaded situation", "you should feel romantically uplifted", "you are so empathetic", "clarify how you feel", "don't be afraid to embrace what feels right for you", "which you aren't really upset about", "some call you the emotional homebody" and my favorite, "watch out for tears later this evening"(I did cry that night). What do all of these sayings have in common? They're all horoscopes. No matter your sign, your horoscope will tell you what you are feeling or going to feel.

As an avid horoscope reader and astrology believer, I'm getting confused. I don't think I understand how my emotions can be predicted. Financial sector? Sure. Emotional sectors? Not so much. My favorite part of horoscopes though is the love sector predictions. I love how they split it into two sectors: single and taken. I love reading both although neither applies. I would like to recommend a sector called "emotionally unavailable" so that the horoscope could tell me what my future holds with the person that I am interested in that does not feel the same way about me.

An issue I have with horoscopes is the generalization of every ones’ emotions. How can a large group of people born under the same sign be going through the same emotional issues? My whole entire entity hopes that no one in the world is feeling as iffy as I am, even if that means my horoscope is wrong. That also got me thinking, as dumb as it may sound: what if humanity is more emotionally in sync than we realized? What if we all feel each other’s feelings to a certain extent? What if that’s why at certain moments of the day we don’t really know how we feel or feel too much? What if my friends, roommate and even the guy who caused my heartbreak can feel what I feel? Ugh how I want him to feel guilty about it! Never have I ever thought I would wish guilt on anyone like I do on him. I am going to save these emotions for my next journal because I am going to need a larger word count to express my ideas about emotional heartbreak that led me to losing all control over my emotions.

But to finish my horoscope rant, what if people rely on horoscopes because they want to get rid of the uncertainty that comes with emotions? I, being the creep that I am, often find myself reading my crush’s horoscope (for the past few weeks I have managed to stop, hopefully that means I will soon feel nothing for him as I did before). Only recently did I realize that the reason why I read his horoscope is to see how he might be feeling and if those feelings can somehow be tied back to how he may be feeling about me.

[drake-feels-for-days]

1.

        This past winter break I had an identity crisis that changed my view on human emotion and made me question what I can and cannot feel and what emotions dominate others.

        During my break, as I became one with the couch, I started to question my actions and emotions. My mom complained about my lack of activity, questioning me why I was so distant and at one point accusing me of doing drugs and threatening to have me drug tested. Little did my mom know, it was just an identity crisis caused by my restless emotions that made me feel like a blood-red lighthouse in the middle of raging waters with only one intention, to knock me down.  

        I wondered what my emotional overflow looked like to her? Inside my mind I was disappointed by an internship opportunity I missed, heartbroken by a delusional idea that my crush had a girlfriend when he indeed did not, upset I have no car in a town that is not meant for casual walking, undecided how I feel about my friends and how my friends feel about me, scared for my fall semester grades, fearful for the future and what internships I can get this summer and to top all of this off I was semi-let down by the same crush I mentioned earlier. All these emotions cycled through my mind as my ass sank deeper into the couch. This winter break I definitely made Grinch envious of my lacking Christmas spirit.

        Later in my break, my mom and I were on the way to the mall and everything was still floating in my mind and I could tell that my short responses were getting to my confused mother who was just searching for answers to irrelevant questions. As we got closer to the mall, my mother's patience was wearing thin. As she parked the car, she only said one thing, “You are not the only one with feelings: you need to start learning to control yours before they control you.”

           All of my emotions were suddenly irrelevant and the only thing I could feel was guilt, which got me thinking about human emotions, and to what extent do some emotions dominate others. Hopefully, this semester I will manage to get a little insight into dominance and relevance of emotions and if my mother is really lucky, I will learn to control them.