drainy0u

[drainy0u]

I don’t care what people say

Drugs are fucking amazing

What else gives you a fucking break from reality and all those voices in your head

Honestly drugs have always been there for me Yes they have done me wrong many times But when I’m upset they never fail to help me escape and feel better even if it’s just for a few hours

[drainy0u]

Re reading my old posts makes me wonder where I got all the energy to rant

So this is kind of like my secret journal type thing. I've been off of Xanax since December. Really fucking hard. I've been in and out of treatment programs. I have 15 days sober right now and I am planning on some what moving to michigan may 10th. 37 days away. I want to be sober more than anything else. And I can do it... anyway I have super purple hair now and I don't want it to fade so I've been reading online about not shampooing your hair. A lot of people use baking g soda and vinegar instead but I'm lazy So starting now I'm just going to rinse my hair and post here with how it goes. Getting back on lithium within 72 hours. Who would have guessed it would make me happy to take it again. I just hope it doesn't get in the way of me loosing weight

[drainy0u]

paul.... I really wish you wld want to show .e what you write.... I hate that we never be how I want. l ways be this disgusting waste

to you & myself... donna is out tonite

hole there's no casualties

[drainy0u]

iv dilaudid first I felt it in my lungs like crushing me then it started in my feet...waves... 5 min up my legs pain is mostly gone. now it cones and goes holy shit. it's kind of good I want opana now so bad... can't tho cause I'm clean got iv dilaudid in the hospital just now.

[drainy0u]

Two pills I pop, 'til my pupils swell up like two pennies

[drainy0u]

rolling is one of the nicest feelings ever ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ my mom just thinks I'm over tired and loopy hahah which isn't a lie either. yay

[drainy0u]

Let the magic begin. .. I miss the ambien walrus ! I wish he didn't convince me my stairs should be descended in the fashion of a slip n slide. whatever risperidone takes me on blissful sleep adventures. .. won't. remember. this. tomorrow. shhhhhh 🙈 see no evil 🌌❇✨ 🙉 hear no evil 🔮🃏 🙊 SPEAK NO FUCKING EVIL 🎁💊💊💄 I FEEL DIZZY AS SHIT WTF PRO FROM ECIGS.... ALSO; WTF: 💆🍙🍘 WHAT THE fuck do those ones mean

[drainy0u]

Pretty sure I scored a job at a gas station. ... I don't even know how I won't work the night shift. . ive been awake for like 34 hours.. about to take some kava skullcap an other shit do my tarot cards and pass the fuck out. wonder how long I will sleep. All my joints hurt and my knees are pretty fucked from cleaning my car and I am fairly certain im going to have a killer sore throat tomorrow gunna fly solo all weekend....def going to be ill to what degree I am unsure off to go get in sight probably will post pictures. peace

[drainy0u]

well. at least this comes as no surprise. still hurts so bad. I was so strong for so long. then.....yep... isolating....forever. I'm going to try to replicate how I looked last year. I was fucking hot.

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Sometimes I can see right through myself there is no you there is only me /// I fucking wish....

[drainy0u]

sad story. You got a smoke?

IAt 16 I saved myself. At 20 I decided to take the downward spiral.

I’m now 22 and can’t remember most of the last two years.

It’s all one big clusterfuck. Binging manic episodes sleep deprivation and going more batshit. Black outs plastic fake bitch Drinking drinking drinking Poison poison poison

Toxic blood Poison people Lethal dosing

I don’t fucking know you

Submissive fuck, she likes you because you can twist the knife in deeper and she is too lazy. Why do the dirty work and put in the effort when you can hurt her in ways she will never be able to? You were her favorite.

I have completely lost it Connection with reality

We have been seeing two different people existing in one host for the last two years. I thought I got better.  Biggest lie. I am on a pitch black level of a whole new psychosis. and the last 4 months was just the beginning She’s here with me now. I can’t hold her down. Bloodthirsty blood lust. You don’t know what she is capable of. You Have No Fucking Idea

She grew stronger.  I got weaker. She is here now. I am gone. I only exist put of her sheer pleasure to torment and destroy witness what she created.

For a year I was a fake plastic liar. Every single day To you. You will never believe me. I don’t really care. You don’t know me. At all. Bits and pieces. Pathologica Fantastica. You saw what I chose to show. Because I wanted something. Unlike any chemical craving. I wanted my other half back.

I have never witnessed what we had. No one will ever be able to. And no one will ever understand. Screaming bleeding carving scared. 

We saved each other’s lives on separate occasions. You pulled me when I tried to jump off the bridge. You held me and I beat you the fuck up until I collapsed. I stopped you and took your hand. Led you away from the edge. You carved my name into your leg. You tried to drive us off a bridge. I drove you fucking crazy. You still drive me crazy. You are better than any drug. Any fucking substance. Euphoria. Was you. I know we were insane.

I’ve never seen anyone be as intense as us. We were our each other’s worlds. We were our own demise. We could give each other life. We could take it away.

You are my soulmate. You own my heart. My fucking existence was yours always. As yours was mine.

"In love" doesn’t cover what we were. We were fucking explosive. Amplified. Intense. What we were doesn’t have a definition. It’s something only you and I understood.

No one will ever be able to hurt me as much as you did and continue to do. And no one will ever be able to make me as fucking ecstatic as you did. You made me want to live and die at the same time. We should have just created our own world. I mean we already lived in our own world. You have all of me forever

What we had was never ment to last. It simply could have never. It W’s never supposed to. How could something so perfect and shattered ever exist in this cesspool. 

We knew each other as if we were each other. We didn’t have to ever talk. You could look at me and know everything.

Fuck connections. What we had is beyond anything that can be defined. We were fucking explosive. We were so in love. We owned each other. We were one fucking existence.

I will never be able to sleep as peacefully as I would when you would hold me and sing me to sleep. Never be able to smile with nothing but pure truth and fucking happiness behind it.

You saw the darkest crazy in me. I saw all your demons

Being in love or at least what we had is when you can be everything you fucking are Not hold anything back. The fucking ugly sick twisted shit that’s in everyone. The fragile glass butterfly The fucking bipolar beings we were. When you can be that. When you can hate and love at the same time. Giving each other life and death. Entwined as one with the knives we placed in each other’s backs

No one can ever have it. Perfection and insanity. reason of my existence reason of my lack there of .

My soulmate,  I miss you. I miss what your eyes would do to me. I miss how all our kisses had meaning in a language only us could understand. We fit together perfectly. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss you waking me up for work and braiding my hair. I fucking loved when you would wake me up. Nothing was ever so fucking perfect. The smell of you being the first thing I would awake to. I’ll never get it back. I swear we would fall asleep at the same moment I have felt so safe.

You are gone forever

I tried to get what you have. I let myself be walked over used and ultimately became a disposal object. I had some fucked idea if I was perfect and never talked back he wouldn’t fuck me over He did. Broken again. Broken forever .

[drainy0u]

so, who wants to know how many times i honestly asked myself the question whats the point over the last 48 hours? fun fact: answer was the same everytime.

I GIVE UP FOR REAL what the fuck is the point anymore has nothing to do with lack of sleep its lack of care from people who will swear up and down that they do yet make me feel like shit cant talk to me for two fucking seconds shove it LIFE SUCKS SCUM FUCK

[drainy0u]

I dunno I think it's the human nature of always wanting what you can't have. The grass really isn't always greener though.

[drainy0u]

Also go fucking hate yourself some more email that fucking tool who you take all your xanax trying to feel better about Then wonder why everything sucks for you Oh yeah I forgot Pass out cold while watching a movie with your best friend cause you're so fucking awesome. Living the dream kid.

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Um so can someone please tell me why the fuck I'm not that bitch that magically has gotten with anyone I ever wanted to get with; also could get with the one person and only person I want? Found out they did shit. I want my money back but bought shit anyway. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm the fat ugly bitch I look like a man. It's cool I know it's the truth. I take after my dad. But seriously. Seriously. I can't do this anymore Please tell me why I popped a 20 just now? Oh yeah cause I wanted to feel better. Yeah. ! I'll just get more bloated and feel like a fat fuck more so than I already do. Maybe you should pop another 20 emily. Then another after that. Then another. Good fucking idea emily you weak shit. Now go buy your cigarettes.

[drainy0u]

Errrmaahhgahhhdd

Um yeah it really does blow he will not know the real me whoever that is but just know the dumb bitch I let him know If I wasn't just playing a character I feel like shit would be real. What ever I am working today woo money FIRST CLASS WE BLAZE I gave myself a poke tattoo Freaked and scratched all the skin off my ankle LOL I'm crazy love it

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I'm going to lose my shit if she says something to me about the at & t message. I'm just done. Toms supposed to come over today idk if he will cause it snowed and shit I do feel calm like I've accepted stuff She's not ruining shit for me ever again. Fucking die. I can't get yesterday back There's no point in being upset I have so many days to makeup for shit so it's fine. But I'm going to do it. Maybe Tom and I can finish my room if he comes here. I'm going to try to sleep.