dragonitafire-blog

[dragonitafire-blog]

I’m going to leave that post. But. I’ve calmed down a lot. I’m choosing to believe that what it meant was that you do love me, deep down, that it wasn’t all nothing to you. I hope I’m right. I’m still hurt and so angry. I’m leaving that post because hopefully it gives you a clue how distraught I am about all of this. I miss you. I hope you’re happy. I love you.

[dragonitafire-blog]

Don’t miss the tags on the original post! ✌️

Is this a fucking joke? Yes this is the one I always used when we drank but it’s not mine. You know that. Fuck, maybe you’ve put me so far out of your mind that you forgot, and assumed it had to be cuz it was Disney. Maybe you just didn’t want to see anything that reminded you of me (in which case I should tell you-you forgot some things. Don’t worry I came and got them. Pretty sure you heard me. Pretty sure I heard you. Pretty sure I saw your car.) I don’t what this means. If it’s a “remember the good times” message, then fuck you. That’s all I can fucking do. Life already didn’t feel real. You treating me the way you did only made it 1,000,000x worse. I feel like a robot. People keep having to remind me how to feel. And then if they don’t keep me distracted I have a complete breakdown until it all goes numb again. I hate you. I love you so much and you broke me. I want you to become the person I thought you were. I hope she’s in there. I don’t think I can ever trust you again. You threw me away like it was nothing to you, like we were nothing. For “talking shit” when I was just concerned about my soul sisters situation and trying to help when she wouldn’t open up to me, without pushing her to open up. When she, you, were ACTUALLY talking shit about me! You never cared about me the way you said you did and this is a fucked up thing to do. If you did it on purpose. I recognize that you might just not have realized and maybe you didn’t even pack that box. Although I can’t imagine him letting me keep your artwork that you gave me. I’m so angry.. I love you so much and I can never let you back into my heart again. You burned that bridge too completely. I can’t risk you doing it again. I wouldn’t be able to take it. As it is, I’m not sure I’m going to survive this. I haven’t wanted to hurt myself this bad since I quit. And I mean actually hurt myself, not the punches in the leg that I was doing for a while. If that worries you, good. At least you’re feeling something. But I won’t do it. I won’t let you have that power over me. I REFUSE to let you shatter me completely. If I am at all capable of it, I will survive and fucking prosper, in spite of the blight you were in my life. I hope you get some fucking sense knocked into you. Peace.

[dragonitafire-blog]

Yeah well. I agree. Although as much as I loved and missed you.. you weren’t who I thought you were. You asked me once if I thought you were manipulative. I said no. You said people always seemed to end up saying that. I see why now. I don’t know if you’re aware of it. Would be pretty wild if you weren’t. But you manipulate. You’re selfish. I’ll miss the person that I thought you were forever, but I’m glad you’ll never be able to hurt me again. J was right. You don’t give a fuck about me and you never have. I don’t care if you change your mind at any point. I know that you’ll regret this. I don’t care. Don’t contact me again.

[dragonitafire-blog]

I’m reposting this here because you need to see it. These are things that I needed to say. If you want me to trust you, if you really will explain, then that implies we’ll be friends again. If we are ever going to be friends again, you need to read and absorb every word of this. I wrote it right after you sent me that message accusing me of talking shit and then blocked me.

It breaks my heart that you would do this without even trying to talk to me. I think it’s because you know 😕 You know what I would say about everything going on. That’s why you didn’t tell me, you didn’t want to hear it. But I knew what was going on. I tried to be patient. I didn’t want to push you. I tried to tell you about my life in hopes that you would open up about yours. I told you, over and over, that I will always support you. I love you, unconditionally, and I always will. I wish you had believed me. I still would have told you what I thought. I still would have tried to help you get onto the path thats best for you. All I ever wanted was to see you shine. That doesn’t mean that I’ll turn my back on you if you do something I disagree with. If you shut me out yeah I’m gonna have some issues. I’m going to worry, and I’m sorry but yes I’m going to get anxious and insecure. I tried to talk it out and just be patient rather than let it get in my head. I tried to help our friend in the meantime, who you seem to have turned your back on and I don’t understand why (because you’ve told me nothing) and you hate me for it? I can’t comprehend it. It still doesn’t feel real except for short moments when I completely break down. I thought I found my forever group. When that fell apart I thought I’d be okay, because no matter what I finally found my soul sister, my best friend, the person who would be there for me no matter what, and I could be there for in turn. I can’t believe that’s gone. It feels like I was finally on a bright path and it suddenly vanished out from underneath of me. As I wandered in the dark, trying to find my way back to the shining future I saw so briefly, pieces of my soul broke off and were lost in nothingness. I held on the best I could but it feels as if the last piece has fallen away and now I’m nothing but broken bits scattered in darkness. How can I manage this? I don’t know if I’m capable. But my word holds true even if yours does not. I will never abandon you. I will fight for breath forever, as I promised.

I love you and support you always. But I don’t always agree with you. So here’s some truths I wish I could have shared.

I watched you turn someone I loved into a villain in your eyes. I watched you do the same to someone you loved. Twice. Three times now. I understood two of them.

The person I loved hurt my heart and you wanted what was best for me, and he initiated a situation that brought you guilt. It was easier to blame and hate him than to face what you did. But you still had a hand in what happened. You dreamt with us. He wasn’t a bad person and doesn’t deserve hatred, yet you hate him.

The first person you loved was bad for you, and you were bad for him. It was easier to hate him so you could leave. But that was a trap because you didn’t really hate him and now you’ve convinced yourself that you only left because you thought you did. That’s not true. He was bad for you. You were bad for him. Like the one I loved, your issues clashed and you aren’t ready to communicate with each other. And the fact that he’s letting you (and I have no doubt encouraging you to) cut out and hate everyone tells me that not only has he not grown enough to understand you, but that he doesn’t want to. He wants things to go back to how they were before other people messed things up. You do too. But that isn’t what happened and you’re both deluding yourselves and each other and one or both of you is going to get very hurt. I’m sorry but I love you too much to lie to you about this, because all I want for you is for you to be healthy and happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.

The second person you loved tried to help you heal. He did what he could and it seems you basically spit in his face. That, plus the fact you never talked to me about it except to give me half truths and evasions “don’t trust him, I’m afraid” “if you were there I’d try but you can’t so he’s out of my life” led to me questioning your honesty and if I truly knew you. I mean. What is that? How fucking ridiculous is that?? If you genuinely wanted him out of your life, if you were genuinely afraid and truly hated him, there’s nothing my presence could have done to change that and you know it. You meant if I was there you’d try to act more sane, and that’s fucking wild. I don’t understand why you’d hate him. I don’t think you do. I don’t understand why you’re creating this hellscape for yourself.

The third person who loved you was me. I tried to be patient. I tried not to push you, but you know me. I still had to talk about things with someone. And I tried to help him too. Because that’s who I am and because I couldn’t understand why you’d hate him for trying to do what you asked, protect you from yourself. But somehow that turned into “talking shit” in your brain, and instead of even attempting an actual conversation you decided you were better off without me. How could you do that if you loved me even half as much as you told me? How could you do that when you know how much I love you? How can this even be reality?

Things like that are what made me question if I truly knew who you were. You acted like nothing was wrong and kept me a separate piece of your life. You once again treated someone who loved you like trash. Is this who you’re becoming? Is this who you are in times of stress? Or is this just who you’ve always been? I struggled with this. I still am. You blew up my life without any regard for how I would feel, without even a warning. Do you even care how far gone I am since that happened? All my moneys gone towards drugs and alcohol. I don’t feel like a real person anymore. I’m not entirely convinced I even am. Makes it hard to do anything when you’re not sure things are even real. Any time I think about reality and anything going on, I get this pain in my chest that feels like someone just took a cannon and blew me wide open. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t move. But it only lasts a few seconds before I go completely numb and block everything out and continue about my day. I can’t face this. I’ll survive but I don’t know if I’ll ever live again. I used to feel a flicker of myself deep down and I tried so hard to get to her but she’s gone now. Her flame died. She lost everything she had left and she couldn’t take it and now this shell is all that’s left. But I digress. We were talking about things you’ve done that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Things that have made me question if you ever really cared or if you’re just a great actress. For example, you’ve flaked on plans we’ve made more times than I can count, things you knew I was excited about, like my hair (which you were going to pay for as a birthday present but couldn’t afford so then it was a Christmas present. By Christmas it was my fault for not buying the dye.), or trips to see my family (well you haven’t seen yours in a while so you’re not gonna go anywhere else. Never mind that we’d planned these things weeks, sometimes months in advance, and you’d change your mind a few days before, or that you then WOULDN’T go visit your family). Plus you told me you couldn’t come visit me or get me for a visit because it was too far to drive alone, or your car couldn’t take it, or it was too much gas. How many times have you made that trip the last few months? Part of me thinks you just wanted the freedom to be around him without me there, because how could you face someone you knew genuinely loved you, and make them watch you destroy yourself? Part of me says you must just not have wanted to see me. That it was all pretend and you were just avoiding hanging out because you never truly loved me like you said. Typically thoughts like that have been easy to vanish. You’re my best friend, you’re a piece of my soul. Of course you loved me. It couldn’t have been a lie. But lately.. with how you’ve been acting and how you’ve shut me out, and how you’ve now basically spit in my face, I’m not so sure. Was it all a lie? Was it just an elaborate game? It must have been nice having someone around who trusted you so blindly. Who would defend you, and who would reassure you. I couldn’t do that when I had the other side, because I couldn’t understand your behavior. Is that why this happened? You knew you couldn’t convince me of your truth so it was easier just to drop the facade?

I want to text you. I don’t think you have my number so I know you couldn’t have blocked that and I still have yours memorized. I want to ask you how you could think I had any ill will towards you? Yes I wanted someone who you were mistreating to get out of that situation. You didn’t seem to want him around anyway so how is that so bad? Am I supposed to think you’re perfect? Am I supposed to worship the ground you walk on and never question a thing you say or do? I am my own person. I have my own thoughts. Just because I loved and supported you didn’t mean you were always right. And I told you. It was hard for me, I was so afraid you would hate me, but I did it, because I wanted what was best for you, always.

Despite how much I clearly have to say, I can’t bring myself to do it. I told myself once I had access to a better phone or my moms computer I would, so it wouldn’t crash a million times as we talked. But here I am and I haven’t don’t it. I’m afraid. If I say nothing then this is it. How can we ever mend this if we don’t talk? But you seem so unpredictable to me now. I don’t know who you are. You’ve kept me out of everything so long that I just don’t know how you’d react. Most of me seems to think texting you would make things worse. You’d see it as me pushing your boundaries and thus it would further solidify the idea that I’m a bad person.. part of me thinks maybe you’d listen. Maybe a few days have passed and you regret it and maybe now we can talk.. but just as my gut told me not to push you to open up it says not to text you.

Why? I don’t know. Does it mean that with time and patience you’ll realize how much I love you and you’ll try to communicate? Does it mean that I’ve seen your true colors and I’m better off without that manipulation..? I truly don’t know. You wouldn’t talk to me. As I further lost my grip on who I was, I lost you too. You seem like a stranger. Is this all a game to you? Was it all manipulation? Or is there a way we can talk and heal and move on?

I know who you want to be with. I doubt he’d let you be my friend. There was a time that wouldn’t have worried me but it has worried me. It seems i was right to be worried.. I don’t know what the point of this is. I don’t know if this is just an outlet for me, so I don’t lose my mind. Maybe I hope you’ll see it, and talk to me. I can’t find your profile so I’m sure you’ve blocked me on here too though. Whatever the reason I want you to know that despite all of this, despite everything that’s happened and the fact that Washington already feels like another life, I still love you. I will always love you, no matter what, and I hope that whatever happens, whatever path you choose, that you’re happy and healthy. I wanted to watch you grow and I couldn’t wait to see who you’ll become. Even if I can’t be there to see it though, that’s still true. If you stay true to yourself and do what is best for you and those around you, you’re going to do huge things. Even if you’re not in my life, I know I’ll see the ripples of your life worldwide. Your sunflower loves you. I hope this isn’t the end of our story. If it is, I’ll miss you forever. Please never forget that you deserve to be loved. Your life should be filled with light, settle for nothing less. Blessed be, bestie 💖

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!

[dragonitafire-blog]

****GlassAddicts Giveaway!!!!!*****

To celebrate reaching almost 3,000 followers, I’m giving away this sweet double-bowl owl pipe from BOGlass. It’s a solid pipe made from borosilicate and pyrex glass with silver fuming on the body. I’ve always thought it looks like clouds were creeping up over the piece. Super awesome.

*******RULES!!!*****

-You must live in the USA 

-You must be following this blog

-You MUST reblog this post to enter. Likes are welcome, but do NOT count as an entry. You can reblog as many times as you’d like, so go crazy :D

Contest Ends July 25th at 4:20pm EST. Shipping is on me!

The winner will be chosen with a random generator. If you are the winner, you will have 7 days to get back to me with your address or another winner will be chosen. Good luck!