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[dragon-heisters]

Session 32, 8 Apr 2023, The Last Session: "Got any o' them shit-ache mushrooms?"

Nuri has come down with something awful but soldiers on anyway. Legend. Suggested talking points: Pfenig is late, how not to die in a hyperbaric chamber, 'tis the season for baby sheeps.

Nuri takes Pfenig for a while, and we’re off. Okay, so we are in the dungeon where we have been told the hoard of Dragons is located. We’ve hopped over one collapsed bridge, and it turns out the other wasn’t supposed to fall so the DM has put it back. For now. Vervain edges up to it but chickens out, as Dex is their dump stat. Dainty Hazel tiptoes over first instead, after some sorting out of Windows as people’s scroll bars are disappearing.

There’s another door, do we have to rub the dwarf on it like last time? Hazel checks it for traps and locks. 17. “You can’t see any traps!” Wonderful. Natty 20 for 24 total on Perception, she hears nothing but a few spiders scuttling around behind it. She picks the lock. an 18 is good enough! What’s behind it, something nice? Hazel peeks through.

A ten foot tall statue of a dwarf. The ceilings are 20ft high. There is a trap door in the floor with a pull ring directly in front of the statue. Nuri uses the rope between Hazel and Vervain as a guide, and walks across the bridge. Pfenig squeezes his puffball stress ball and follows him. Vervain shrugs and crosses as well, without incident.

Vervain looks at the statue; it’s Gorn, the dwarven god of vigilance. AKA Fire-Eyes. Hazel: “Ah, so he’s like a traffic warden.” Any buttons or pulleys or switches? Hazel makes an Investigation check - 15. Other than the statue and the trap door, the room is empty. No sign of secret doors or loose floor tiles.

Look down the trap door then? Nuri opens it. DM, gleefully: “Excellent, make a Dexterity saving throw please!”

He rolls a five.

“Right. Here’s what happens.”

The statue’s eyes glow red and fire shoots out of them. Nuri halves it, but it’s still 11 points of fire damage. “Well, those temporary hit points were short lived.”

We think the trap door might be just a fake, designed to make us hurt ourselves.

Hazel, shaking her head, disappointed: “Oh, Fire Eyes.”

Vervain looks more closely at the statue; no buttons or levers. They think that maybe something was kept in here at one time, but it’s long gone now. Nuri has a little sulk, and we leave.

Good thing it wasn’t Pfenig who got toasted, or we’d all be smelling burnt mushrooms by now. This leads to a quick aside about the pronunciation of the word shiitake, which leads naturally to this:

“Got any o’ them shit-ache mushrooms?”

We remember that it was when Nuri touched the ring that the fire shot out, not when he actually pulled it. If we can wait, Nuri can summon his Unseen Servant to tie the rope to the trap door, and we can all pull it open. If we want. He does something stupid instead and manages to exit both himself and Hazel out of the game.

***We’ll be right back after these messages! Is 5e too tame for you? Are you looking for more challenging tabletop gaming? Try new Pathfinder! Deadlier traps! Sassier goblins! More frequent and evil DM laughter! Ask your DM about Pathfinder today!***

(Pfenig pops in during the impromptu intermission, yay! “Sorry, I fell asleep.”)

Nuri is rethinking the trap door, he doesn’t think there’s anything useful under it. Wait - actually we just want to check.

DM: “Where do you all want to be?”

Vervain: “Well now you’ve said that, out of the room.”

As soon as the rope touches the ring, the fire shoots out again. Okay, never mind.

We chuff on over to the middle bridge. The gap is about fifteen feet; Vervain jumps across leaving the other end of their rope with the others. Nuri wants to use Pazuzu as a glider; he can’t, but he gets inspiration for the idea. He makes an Athletics check instead and rolls a dirty 20, hopping over with ease.

Pfenig could be a panther again, but then he won’t have any wild shapes left. Could we have a short rest once we’ve jumped?

Hazel ties the rope to him and he takes a big run-up (Athletics check) - Big fat seven! Vervain makes a Strength save at Advantage because of Nuri’s help and rolls a 5. Nuri spends his Inspiration to let them re-roll it, and they get a 20! Between Nuri and Vervain, they drag Pfenig up onto their side of the gap.

Hazel is the last one left. We give Pazuzu the rope and he flies over, so Hazel can tie it around herself. She takes a run-up and rolls a 17, making it over without incident.

Now we are faced with another charming door. Hazel approaches and does her thing. The DM has bad news for her - there is no lock, and yet somehow it’s locked. She Investigates the door; nat 1.

“Ohhhh, I hit my head.”

Do we need the dwarf? Pfenig has a disguise kit, we could disguise Pazuzu as a dwarf…?

Is it magically locked, perhaps? Pfenig casts Detect Magic. He only bloody detects some magic. It’s an Abjuration spell.

Vervain tries giving it a shove but to no avail.

(Pfenig: “How come we’re not so much better at Dungeons and Dragons by now? We've been playing for ages!”)

We send Pazuzu to go and get the dwarf; we drag him across the gap in the bridge with the rope, and shove him in front of the door which opens straight away.

Four suits of rusted plate armour without helmets, dwarf sized, stand in each corner of the room beyond. 20 feet high ceilings. Dwarfish runes on the far wall, which we shove the dwarf at.

‘A secret never before told will part Durmathoin’s lips.’

Pfenig, Nuri, Vervain and Hazel make Religion checks; all useless. The dwarf stares at us. “That’s the dwarven God of Secrets.”

Nuri and Pfenig step into the room. Any like, scorched patches on the walls? Not that he can see. Pfenig takes a look at the armour. As well as being rusty, it’s covered in cobwebs.

No sign of treasure.

Any lips in here that look like they might part? Even the suits of armour don’t have mouths. Should we just start announcing secrets, Nuri asks?

You first, Vervain tells him.

We’re stumped. Pfenig just says a secret at the room.

“I ran away from home because I was ashamed of my family, and now I regret it.”

Is that true?

“Yes.”

Has Pfenig ever told anyone that before?

“No.”

A staircase appears in the floor!

Vervain plays tank as they have more hit points, and Pfenig goes second. Goddess of Death and the Anger Issues Fire Noble in the back.

Streams of sunlight pour down from the 30 foot high ceilings. Statues of dwarves, and piled in one corner is a fuck off huge pile of treasure!

The dwarf in the room suggests we come back later as the place is a bit of a mess.

… What?

The dwarf is called Arc Clanghammer. (sp?) This is his vault.

"We came for the tour, is that okay…?"

No no, there are no tours. Why did we come here?

“Well, it all started a long time ago…” Nuri begins. He then resorts to the truth. “Well, for the treasure, really. Please?”

We are told that the treasure belongs to Lord Neverember.

“Oh! No, no it doesn’t,” Nuri tells him. Pfenig is starting to feel unsure. Oh wait, Lord Neverember embezzled it from the good people of Waterdeep! That changes things somewhat! Pfenig turns back to the dwarf with righteous fire in his eyes.

The dwarf raises an eyebrow at him. “Stolen? That’s quite the accusation. Who does it belong to, then?”

Pfenig pulls us all into a huddle. “Who does it belong to?”

Nuri: “Well, who does gold ever belong to, really?”

“So you want the gold for yourselves?” the dwarf asks.

“No, we wanna give it to a pirate,” Nuri tells him. Pfenig is unsure again.

Nuri sums up what exactly our plan is for the gold. We want to give it to a Lord in a different city so he can make things better for people in both cities. "I forget some of the finer points."

The DM reminds us that the money was embezzled from the citizenry via taxes. Neveremeber planned to take it all with him. We want to give it to Jarlaxle who has promised to return it to the city in order to get a seat at the table in Waterdeep, minus a little bit for us.

Armed with that reminder, Nuri makes a Persuasion check with Guidance - 22 total.

That will do it! The dwarf thinks it over. If we would be so good as to follow him. We do that.

The dwarf has been tricked, it seems, into guarding this vault. It’s only right and proper that the gold is returned to the people. How do we plan to remove it all, he asks?

Well Nuri’s got this lamp -

A big gold dragon appears in the room. Oh it was the dwarf! Ahhhhh, okay.

Wait - there was the Staff of Egeron? Jarlaxle offered us extra money if we could retrieve that? The dragon tells us his real name - Auranax. He holds up a staff. Is this the one?

He won’t be parting with that, he tells us. Nuri: "Entirely understandable. One less thing to worry about."

We could have Jarlaxle’s drow help us remove the gold…? Will Auranax allow our friends to help us move all of this? He will.

Great!

We head on back up out of the cellar, making - wait, Perception checks?

We are almost at the huge double doors where the stairs lead up to the mill, when Nuri hears hushed, guttural voices. Something is coming down into the vault.

We are allowed a round to prepare, so we hide and cast some protective buff-type spells before rolling Initiative. Come hell or high water the DM is determined that this will be the last session, so off we go!

One of them dies before ever getting into conflict with us; we make Perception checks. Vervain hears voices speaking in Elvish - “Bullshit. I’ll kill twice as many in one shot.”

Vervain doesn’t recognise the voices, but Thessalie might have…

They ignore it and attack the closest bugbear. The flail misses but the Spiritual Weapon anvil does not, crunching into the bugbear's head.

The leader of the group lets out a horrible scream as it is impaled by something we can’t see, and dies. Huh?

Pfenig takes a Frost Ray from the - Gazer? - and makes a Dex save but fails and takes 10 cold damage. It’s his turn.

He casts Shilsdgdfkhgjfghklh and uses Symbiotic Entity, using his last Wild Shape to do it, and gains 20 temp HP.

Nuri has something he’d like to share in a 20 foot radius sphere. Fireball! (*chanting* level 5! level 5! level 5!) Dex saves for a bunch of bugbears and a Gazer. They all fail their saves and take 30 fire damage; the Gazer turns to ash. Nuri blows on his finger pistols. He pops back round behind the pillar, and the Goddess of Death is up. She shoots at one of the bugbears with a 25, stripping it of all but 5 of its HP. She hides, vanishing from sight.

Another bugbear introduces Pfenig’s skull to his morningstar - but he has to make a Con save first. He rolls a two, and takes a mighty eight necrotic damage, as Pfenig rolls max on his damage dice!

Another takes a swing and a miss. This is a piss-poor show. Pfenig gives him a wink.

A drow appears and stabs a bugbear in the kidneys. We’ve met this guy before! We chased him across a rooftop! He said no hard feelings, so we’re cool. He’s very loyal to Jarlaxle.

His mate pops up and takes a stab as well, killing another one.

Vervain lifts up their Spiritual Weapon anvil and drops it on the bugbear again for another 8 damage, and takes a swing with the flail again - another miss. I don’t think I've ever hit anything with this bloody flail.

A bugbear trips over the flail Vervain has discarded and misses with their attack. The one in front attacks Vervain as well and hits. “My skull! I’m using that!”

The Gazer makes two eye-ray attacks against Pfenig and Vervain, but both make their saves. We ain’t even bovvered.

Pfenig finds himself and Vervain surrounded. Fortunately one of our assailants has brains dripping down the side of its face. He takes his Shildfjgkldsghjsg’ed club and cracks the one in front of him “like a morning egg”. It hits but the bugbear is still on its feet, somehow.

Hearing the clattering, banging and swearing, Nuri pops his head out. He sees five enemies; he is going to fire a Scorching Ray at some of them. He, as a Warlock, must cast the spell at whatever level spell slots he has - so he must, Must, add an extra ray. All four hit! The bugbears are standing still, but very ropey-looking now.

Hazel takes a shot at a bugbear but the shot goes wide. Nat 1 - Twang! If this attack was made with a bow or crossbow: roll a d10. On a 1-9 the weapon’s damage is reduced by 1d4 until repaired. On a 10, the string snaps. She rolls a 9 so the bow doesn’t break, but only just.

A bugbear attacks Vervain from behind and hits for 9 damage. Pfenig makes his wounds go manky, and he dies.

Vervain casts Sacred Flame on the one who’s been savaging them from behind and explodes it in a puff of golden ash.

Meloon Wardragon appears, and shouts to Nuri. “You alright up there, kid?”

Nuri has mixed emotions about this. Meloon adds that he thinks he owes Nuri a drink or ten.

“… Cool.”

One of the bugbears sidles up to Pfenig and takes aim with his morningstar. Pfenig’s head stays on but he has a ringing in his ears now.

The Gazer moves to bite Nuri, but misses. Pfenig swings around to the one that just hit him and gives him “a taste of Shildfgkdhjljjh, right in the teeth.” 6 bludgeoning damage. He’s still up, somehow.

Nuri, who now has a Gazer in his face, wonders what the range is on Burning Hands. A 15 foot cone, he is told. In that case he will cast another Racial Ability Trait spell - Flame Blade. This is new!

15 fire damage, and a how de do dis! He cuts it in half, cauterising each half as he cuts. Xanathar will not be pleased about this.

Hazel does a bit of shootsy-shootsy, and hits with a 25. 19, minus a d4 brings it to 15, but she gets a how de do dis! "You know the bit in LotR where the troll dies? A bit like that. It’s almost sad."

Vervain backs up and casts Guiding Bolt on the last remaining bugbear - doing 20 radiant damage! They stare at their hands in disbelief. The bugbear hits Pfenig, who Hellish Rebukes it, saying in Infernal, “Hey, less of that.” The Hellish Rebuke only does half the damage as the bugbear makes its save, but it’s enough - how de do dis!

“Would you just stop it!” With his words alone, Pfenig kills the last bugbear.

And with that, we have beaten not only the DM’s dungeon puzzle, but also his Dragon Heist puzzle!

[dragon-heisters]

Session 31, 1 Apr 2023: "This is some Tracy Emin type shit."

Suggested talking points: the price of the pathfinder rule book (ridiculous), hooray for the DM's sister - she found a copy at a local bookshop for an actually decent price! We’re all super excited for Pathfinder, which lets pretty much anyone have a familiar or animal companion, which can even be a severed head or severed hand. You don't want an angel though.

No Hazel or Pfenig tonight, so we must soldier on without them. We’ve found the vault, so we chuff off home for a long rest as we got battered by a Displacer beast last time. Nuri levels up both Hazel and Pfenig, and we’re off…

The party wake up at Trollskull Alley and descend the stairs; Nuri notices that Thessalie is absent. He asks around, but no-one seems to have seen her today. Lif says she has been acting strangely, talking to herself. Vervain is in the taproom, however, and has been chatting with Pfenig. He’s been filling them in on what they’ve missed.

Well, we didn't need Thessalie anyway. Or the Stone of Golorr, not any more. (That's definitely not going to come back to bite us.) We go back to the mill and go down the stairs; there is a large set of double doors with dwarfish runes carved into them. Nuri can read them given time, if no-one else speaks it…? No? Okay. He casts Comprehend Languages as a ritual. “The three keys, bring them forth!”

Ah fuck, we forgot the dwarf. Oh, no we didn’t, hurray!

We get the shaved dwarf to hold the beholder eyestalk and the dragon scale, and ask him to wait for us like he’s some sort of taxi. He agrees. Vervain shares their Eyes of Night ability, giving everyone 300 feet of darkvision.

The doors open to a huge chamber; twelve sets of double doors line the walls. Hazel gives the room a cursory glance for traps. “Looks fine to me.”

60 feet above us are bridges that span the columns in the centre of the room; they all look to be in pretty shitty condition. Engraved on the double doors are images of dwarves in heavy armour.

No traps on the floor. Nuri casts Detect Magic as a ritual and does a circuit of the room, approaching each set of doors in turn to see if there is any magic around or behind the doors. Aside from us and the items we carry, there is no sign of magic in the room.

He picks a set of doors at random. We go up to them and Hazel checks them for traps. 10. “Oooh! Average.”

No sign of traps on the doors. No keyhole, either. Hmm. Pfenig gives them a push; nothing happens. Vervain leans over him and pushes them open.

There is a staircase leading up, and next to it is a fresco of dwarves battling goblins. It is... oddly alluring... As we approach, everyone but Hazel makes WIS saves; ah fuck.

We all roll pretty good for once. Pfenig thinks the artwork is crass; Vervain has seen better. DM: "This is some Tracy Emin type shit." Nothing bad happens, yay!

As luck would have it, every other door in the room is false; we happened to hit on the right ones first time. Ha! (Nuri: "Told you the others only slowed us down.")

Joe copies and pastes us up the stairs, and we push our tank (Pfenig) up ahead. The hall we find ourselves in has high ceilings and more pillars. There are 3 archways on the left, and Vervain spots an area of damage to a mural about halfway down the wall. The mural is of dwarves doing... something. They go and have a closer look; the dwarves are in heavy armour and look as if they’re off to battle.

Nuri and his genasi eyes take a look. It looks to be a different artist than the fresco downstairs. He makes an Investigation check; worse than Vervain's. The crack in the mural looks deep and dark. He presses his nose up against it and gets hit in the face with a pseudopod - Initiative time!

Hazel retreats into shadow and shoots the thing, remembering from last time we fought black puddings that they’re hard to hide from. 20 damage!

DM, annoyed: “You sir, are a cad and a bounder.”

Pfenig next. The DM asks if he is going to heal the poor little pudding. He casts Shilfkgjldfhgklhjh instead, but is too far away to do much on this turn. He moves up and gets ready for the next round.

Nuri has a faceful of black pudding. “Not this again.” He Creates Bonfire underneath it, doing 11 damage and forcing a DC15 DEX save. It rolls a 6, which comes out the other side as a 3. Good to know…

Vervain Sacred Flames it. They could do Spiritual Weapon but they don’t want to use the spell slot if they don’t need to. "We’ve got Hazel, we’ll be fine."

The pudding hits Nuri, rolling a 20 and dissolving his armour; joke’s on the DM because this happened last time and he never replaced his armour, so all it does it make his jacket look slightly cooler.

The pudding slops off toward Hazel, and Nuri gets an attack of opportunity - it hits for 6 slashing and 2 fire damage. The pudding splits into two puddings, and Vervain swears a lot.

(Pfenig arrives in person, he’s escaped from his party and come to join us!)

Hazel shoots and hits for 22 damage and gets the how de do dis one one of them. "It bursts and splashes on the floor and it’s gross." Hazel smiles unnervingly.

It’s Pfenig’s turn - he does Symbiotic Enti- no wait, he wants to save that. He runs up and hits it with his Shilsdkldfhjlhh, “Giving it a jolly good pasting. Have that, ya bastard.” It’s looking… grubby, like it’s losing its integrity.

Nuri’s turn and he casts Bonfire under it again. How de do dis! “It kind of… boils, and there’s a smell of burned farts.”

Nuri is looking a little worse for wear; Vervain does him a Cure Wounds at level 1; 8 HP back.

Vervain spots a door at the far end of the corridor; they get Hazel to check it for traps. She finds none. Vervain manages to push the door open. Behind it is treasure!

We did it, we won Dungeons and Dragons. Nuri starts calculating how much we can carry. The DM asks us if we’d like to go in and investigate the gold. Uh oh; looks like we haven’t won quite yet.

There are five urns; inside them we find the following:

Urn 1: 5 tourmaline worth 100 gp each & 200cp Urn 2: Ring of Warmth, 10 gold rings worth 25gp each, and 650 gp in coins Urn 3: 250gp Urn 4: 33 blue quartz worth 10gp each Urn 5: a 9 inch tall statue of a dwarf worth 250gp and weighing 10lbs.

Probably not even Lord Neverember knew about this room; we don’t think this is part of the hoard. We can just pocket this. We can fit some in our loot satchels, and Nuri’s lamp; we do that.

We have a look at the bridges; these are suspended over the room below and are in, quote, “Shit condition”. We send Pfenig across first and wait to see what happens to him. We think about sending him over with a rope but we only have 50 feet of it; we could tie two together but it’ll be long enough then that if he does fall he’ll still hit the ground. We decide to just tie the one rope around him, and Vervain holds the other end. He'll be on his own after the first 50 feet or so. Vervain casts Guidance on him and he edges his way across.

DM: “Stop right there and make a Dexterity check!” He rolls a 6, and even Guidance isn’t going to help that.

Pfenig as he plummets 60 feet to the ground: “And that’s how Pfenig dies.”

Vervain makes a STR save, a 15, and manages to save him. Phew! He takes a little bit of damage as he reaches the end of the rope, but not as much as if he'd hit the ground. Vervain drops him the last five feet and he comes back around and up the stairs.

We all heard a thunderous crash from the northern end of the room as this happened; sounds like one of the other bridges collapsed. Pfenig has a look on his way back up; it did.

How to cross the gaps? Vervain has a decent jump distance, and Pfenig can change into something that can jump. Vervain goes first and flings one end of their rope back for Hazel; the other two make it under their own steam.

We approach the adamantine door on the other end of the bridge. We get Hazel to check for traps; 23! Eyyyyyyy. She finds no traps. Vervain pushes it but nothing happens.

Pfenig makes an Arcana check to see if it’s magical; a 9. He thinks it probably is. Nuri or Pfenig can cast Detect Magic; Pfenig does, and sees a faint aura around the door. It’s transmutation magic. (If only we had a transmutation wizard.) We all look at each other, stumped.

Nuri: "I could set it on fire…?"

Vervain makes an Insight check; they think that if one of us was a dwarf the doors would open automatically. Oh - duh. They trudge back down the stairs to go and get the dwarf.

He’s drunk. The door opens for him anyway. Great! We are going to have to babysit this guy now though.

The chamber beyond is 20 feet high with frescoes of more dwarves and an anvil on a plinth in the centre of the room. Nuri investigates the fresco. “Shall I do my Wisdom Save now?” He's fine, nothing happens.

Pfenig spots some dwarven runes on the anvil. We push the dwarf forward.

“It says let the hammer fall and the anvil ring,” he slurs.

Who’s got a hammer?

Pfenig looks at the fresco. It’s of a blacksmith, and handily there is a removable hammer. Behind it are more runes.

“Oi, Thunderbuns!”

The dwarf shuffles over. “Let hearts be lifted and battles won.”

Pfenig lifts the hammer with his very small Strength score and brings it down “in a big wobbly arc” on the anvil.

CLANG!

DM: "Can you all hear it? You didn’t cover your ears or anything?"

Oh no…

We all get ten temp HP!

We call it there, so we can think about how we are going to get back over the bridge without using too many of our daily skills. Next session will probably be the last one, so let's make it good!

[dragon-heisters]

Session 30, 25 March 2023: "Come and face me, you wankers!"

Suggested talking points: 5e - old and busted. Pathfinder - new hotness. The chili nose sweats, amelia earhart or emilio estevez? One is a national treasure of the United States and the other is just some bint who flew a plane wrong. Contextless quote of the week: “An unfortunate boglin of a child.” BWJ is down for the night and we are off!

Right, so Nuri was going to keep an eye on old Wardragon. He’s been banging on about things in the Undermountain being terrible, but we have discerned that he is full of shit. We pop in and out of the Portal a few times. Bonnie tells us he’s taken to retiring early; she is hearing muttering through the door. We know he has a magic sword, so we assume he is talking to that.

Pfenig turns into a mouse and sneaks into his room. Meloon is going to bed early and waking before dawn, muttering to himself and Azure Edge. Pfenig makes an Insight check - 21. This seems to be a psychic battle of wills between him and the sword. He makes an Arcana check - 6. He sneaks back and reports to the rest of us. Thessalie is distracted by the Stone in her head (rolls a 1), but Nuri and Hazel know Azure Edge is a LN weapon, and therefore doesn’t like non-lawful creatures. Once attuned, there should be no struggle for control. Is Meloon’s alignment wrong for the item? How can that be?

He must have been lawful when he attuned or he wouldn't have been able to, but perhaps something has happened since. Nuri wants to find a library and do some Scooby-Gang style research. Hazel thinks he’s either possessed or been swapped by a changeling.

After some research we determine that his alignment is changed; he is no longer Neutral. Can Pfenig do a thrall check, he wants to know?

Bonnie tells us that he is not a doppelgänger; she would know. We go and speak to our various factions for help. Emerald Enclave think he might have been Charmed, and give Pfenig a scroll of Detect Magic. (He puts it in his pocket, too polite to tell them he already knows that spell.) Force Grey think maybe he’s been taken over by something.

Pfenig sneakily casts Detect Magic on Meloon; nothing about him is magical, just the sword and a few other little magic trinkets. What about Detect Thoughts? None of us know it, but perhaps we can buy a scroll?

We do, and Thessalie casts it on him. She notices him looking at her as she does.

“What a delicious juicy brain she must have,” she hears him think.

Gasp! Surely not an Intellect Devourer? We've seen one of those before, when we were rescuing Floon Blagmaar from Xanathar's bit of the sewers.

Thessalie probes deeper, and discovers that the thing is thinking about reporting back to its boss in the Xanathar Guild…

How are we to proceed? If one’s intellect has been devoured, is there any way to be brought back from that, Hazel wonders? Nothing we can do at level 4, no, but if we report back to Vajra she might be able to help Meloon. It’ll be expensive, but that sounds like a Vajra problem; he’s her friend. The tears of a stranger are but water, and all that. We back slowly away, and report back.

Vajra rewards Nuri and Thessalie with Renown points and a Wand of Secrets, which we decide Nuri should have.

Right so this hoard of Dragons. Under the windmill, the Stone of Golorr is not the key. Thessalie asks the Stone what the key is - it says we need three. They are as follows: a beholder’s eyestalk, a bronze dragon scale, and a beardless dwarf. Are these keys consumed, or can we keep the dwarf? No, we can keep him. (Or her. Or them.)

Well we have a mechanical beholder, will that work? Also Pfenig has a dead gazer, slightly, charred. He pulls it out of his bag and holds it up; we all tell him to put it away again.

We go to the bronze dragon and ask; he happily gives us a scale. So that’s two, what about the beardless dwarf? Nuri suggests shaving Pazuzu and giving him a battle-axe and a hat. The DM points out that monkeys have bitten for much less. Well, there’s the Zhent who stayed with us…? Or we could find a male dwarf and convince him to let us shave him, tell him it’s for charity or something. Nuri makes some flyers, rolling a Persuasion check as he does so. Natural 20!

We manage to convince a drunken male dwarf to shave his beard. We even make some money.

Off to the windmill then! Just a recce at this point, we leave the dwarf in the pub for now. Nuri looks in the window of the windmill. Someone clearly lives here, but the floor is crawling with rats. There is a beautifully written sign that says “Fuck Off” hanging outside the door. We can’t see anyone inside, the only thing we see are the rats. There are signs that someone has been in there, however. Nuri checks the range on his Wand of Secrets; 30 feet. He casts Message at all of us to say he’s found a door.

Thessalie finds a slightly nicer area with another door, one that doesn’t say fuck off. She messages Nuri, from 20 feet behind him, to tell him to turn around.

There is a religious symbol on the door; we make Religion checks. This is Ilmater, the God of Suffering. (He’s a good God, he’s a good God, the DM insists. Not a God of making people suffer, more like the God of well meaning old ladies who buy homeless people egg sandwiches “because I don’t want you spending it all on alcohol.”)

The doors are all locked; Hazel has a go on the religious door, checking it for traps first. 11; no traps. 22 to unlock, and it falls open under her skilled hands. We listen before going in - Pfenig hears the scrabbling of rats but nothing else. As the party tank, we push him forward. He sneaks in.

This room has various examples of the symbol of Ilmater all around; it’s clean and tidy, but there are more rats on the floor. There’s a desk in the corner with religious paperwork, bookshelves, that sort of thing. Pfenig makes a Perception check - a 10. Hanging on the key hook is a key; he takes it. From the way it’s cut, he thinks it might be a skeleton key. He looks through the papers as well, as the rest of us start filtering in. He also sees a receipt for art supplies on the desk. No other doors to this room, however.

Nuri casts a casting from his Wand of Secrets - there are no doors in here apart from the one we came in through. Thessalie checks under the bed before we leave; suspiciously clean. No halfling gimps, nothing.

We try one of the 'fuck off' doors.

Thessalie asks the Stone where the door is to the hoard of gold coins; it sniffily tells her that it’s got us close enough. ("Rude.") We explore the windmill… Pfenig finds the pissoir and it stinks. Hazel finds “A mucky old place” - barred windows, crawling with rats, stinking. Fusty. Nothing worth stealing. There is a picture of a mummy on the wall. There have been other pictures on the walls as we explored, all of monsters.

We hear a thunderous voice from upstairs - “Come up and face me, you wankers!”

We are asked for a marching order - our tank-druid goes first, followed by our warlock, then our rogue, then our wizard and all 19 of her hit points.

At the top of the stairs we see a half elf - this is Kalain, the owner of the windmill.

She drops her brush and spits at us. “How dare you come into my house!”

There’s a good explanation for all of this, Pfenig insists. "Don’t give me that - you’re assassins, aren’t you!"

No, we’re - from… the… council. Yeah, the council.

"Like shit you are!" She touches the portrait she’s painting, which is of a displacer beast. With that, she disappears behind a door, and we roll initiative…

The displacer beast comes to life, and attacks Pfenig and Nuri with its tentaclé. Nuri casts Protection from Evil and Good on Pfenig, as he’s face to face with the thing.

Thessalie casts Web, but it makes its save and moves out of it. Hazel shoots, doesn’t get stuck in the web, and hides. Nuri shoots a Fire Bolt at it, after getting stuck in the web, burning the beast - and himself and Hazel as the web catches fire. Pfenig casts Ice Knife, seeing the havoc fire is causing right now, doing some cold and piercing damage.

Thessalie finally arrives in the room and is useless. She drops Web, as all it's doing is hampering her own party. It attacks her, and Nuri.

We are flailing a bit here; this is the strongest thing we’ve ever faced. Hazel and Nuri manage to hit it, but it doesn’t seem to do much to hamper it. It hits Nuri again and he goes down. Pfenig uses his turn to get him back up again.

Just as we are all beginning to worry about a TPK, Hazel saves us all by pinning one of its tails to its face, then the other, and it dissolves into smears of paint on the floor. Phew! I mean, we totally had it. For sure.

Kalain appears again with a painting of a manticore in her hand but before she can touch it, an old man shuffles up the stairs. He comforts her, and then asks us what we’re doing here?

Well… We didn’t really have a cover story. We’re looking for treasure, Nuri tells him. We didn’t know anyone lived here. The priest touches Nuri and heals him for 11 HP.

He says it’s ill advised to break into people’s homes, especially people as traumatised as Kalain is. We shuffle our feet a bit.

Can we check for treasure, and if we don’t find any, we’ll chuff off?

The priest introduces himself as Vhasper Hondreg. If he stays here and keeps Kalain calm, we can have a look. Is there a cellar here? They both insist that there is not. Hmm.

As we traipse back down the stairs, we discuss hiring her as a painter to do a frieze for the pub. Once we’ve gained her trust, obviously.

Outside, Thessalie looks for wells or sewer entrances; she finds nothing. Pfenig finds a door we haven’t tried, and opens it. Behind is a tiny room. Nuri tries the Wand of Secrets - he spots a little staircase leading down…

We cover it back up for now, and go and speak to her again. Would she like to come and paint for us? She agrees, tentatively. We have only one stipulation - that she only brings one painting with her for defence. We chuff off back to the pub to pick up the dwarf and take a well-earned rest.

[dragon-heisters]

Session 29, 11 March 2023: A can of mixed drow and gnomes

Suggested talking points - variations on the Swedish word for soup, roast tiger penis, the social skills of doctors (or lack thereof), Gary Glitter was basically doing Monster Drag, maybe Snoopy had a ladder at the back of his doghouse but Charles Schultz couldn't draw them, Hazel has to go and do some sheep midwifery but she’ll be back in a bit.

So last session we got our sticky little hands on the Stone of Golorr at last, and Thessalie attuned to it. Drunk with power, she is salivating over her 6th level spell - but she doesn’t yet know about the bad stuff the Stone will inflict, so let's find out! 37 - She has the sniffles; while attuned to the Stone, she is physically ill and has Disadvantage on any Strength or Constitution checks and saves. Ah, shit.

The Stone of Golorr has three charges, which she can use to cast Legend Lore, a 5th level Divination spell. Usually it needs components, but she doesn’t need them when casting it with the Stone. It can’t lie to her, but the information it gives might be cryptic or vague. She wants to ask where the hoard of dragons is, but she knows she must word her question carefully. (She can also sense that something is rifling through her memories... She will consider it an exchange for now, and pretend it doesn't unnerve her.)

In the morning, Pfenig gets a message in his head from the Emerald Enclave. They need his services - doppelgängers threaten Waterdeep at the Yawning Portal!

Nuri gets one from the Grey Hands as well - Meloon Wardragon has been acting strangely, also at the Yawning Portal. He and Thessalie are to observe for ten days, then report.

(Nuri wants to know if he can have gone to a library while Thessalie was attuning to the Stone. He wants to take the scandalous book we found in the Gralhunds' mansion and leave it on a lectern in the library with a sign saying ‘Book of the Month’. The DM is greatly amused and awards Inspiration.)

Thessalie, after ten minutes with her head on the table while the others discuss their faction jobs, lifts her head and asks her question aloud: "What is the current location of the hoard of gold coins to which the Stone of Golorr is said to be the key, to within five hundred feet?" The Stone has a think about how to respond. (The DM flips through the book.)

Nuri, while we wait: “Is it like a magic 8 ball, will it tell us to ask again later?”

The Stone tells Thessalie that the vault is hidden beneath a converted windmill in the Southern Ward. However, it says, the Stone of Golorr is not the key to opening it. Thessalie remembers a Waterdhavian noble called Kalain, a half elf who was having an affair with Lord Neverember. He gifted her with an estate in the Estate Ward, but when they fell out he took it back and destroyed her socially. She went mad as a result. She bought this windmill and currently lives there.

Thessalie passes all of this on to the others and holds nothing back, much to their surprise.

We go and see the bronze dragon to tell him what we saw under the Eyecatcher. He swims up, very excitedly. "Well?"

Pfenig: “It’s only a bloody submarine, innit? It’s like a boat but it sinks on purpose!”

So it’s a can of mixed drow and gnomes, stuck to the bottom of the ship, the dragon asks?

Nuri: “Yeah, it’s so they can chuff about in it, but it’s got little windows so they can see out. Like an underwater boat.”

So they can come and go without being seen. Is it full of treasure?

“No, mostly drow and gnomes.”

Do we, the party, trust the gnomes and the drow, the dragon asks?

“They don’t seem to have a negative agenda.”

Well a deal is a deal, and he promised us a chest. Do we have capacity in the Apparatus to carry it up? It’s got grabby hands, so yeah. The dragon swims into the shipwreck and comes back with a chest. He doesn’t know what’s in it, he says, but here you go.

Does it look magic? We drag it noisily back to Trollskull Alley. It’s an old chest with a rusted lock. Thessalie casts Knock, and the lock opens. Nuri wants to check it for barnacles. "No, the other thing. Traps!"

Hazel is good at that, so she does the check. 7. None, not a single trap, hooray! She gives it an open. We are all standing around Hazel peering over her shoulder; we make Perception checks (instead of Dexterity saves, much to our surprise). The main compartment contains 300 sp and a golden amulet shaped like an octopus worth 250gp. And no poisoned spikes, or explosions, or anything.

Pfenig and Hazel spot a secret compartment in the lid; they find a scroll tube. Inside is a scroll, miraculously dry. Pfenig does an Arcana check to see what it is (at Advantage because it’s a Divine spell). 19 - it’s a scroll of Revivify. Ooooh! He tucks it away.

We put the money in the tavern fund. (Hazel is back; the sheep managed to do it all on its own so all she had to do was put it in the post-natal ward.)

We chuff off to the Yawning Portal to observe this fella for ten days and look for doppelgängers. Apparently the rumour is that a doppelgänger is hiding out among the staff. (We chat as we walk down there. Hazel: "Honestly the portal gimmick is so last year; they don’t even have a ghost barman, never mind a mechanical beholder or a nimblewright bard.")

Pfenig wants to do some research on spotting doppelgängers. “If it looks just like you but it isn’t, it’s a doppelgänger,” Hazel helpfully tells him. Nuri hands him Volo’s Guide to Monsters, and Pfenig makes an Investigation check. an 18, with Guidance.

He knows that they are Monstrosities, able to shapeshift. They aren’t inherently evil though many think they are because their abilities tend to lend themselves to nefarious purposes. They are somewhat hedonistic and enjoy the finer things in life. If they are not abandoned by their humanoid families upon finding out that they are doppelgängers, the doppelgänger abandons them.

Nuri wants to set up a secret password so we can tell each other from doppelgängers of ourselves, and settle on a call and response - ‘shit’, to which the other person must reply ‘carrots’.

Nuri wants to scope out for the guy he’s supposed to be watching. It turns out that Meloon was Nuri’s contact here when we first started adventuring together - how useful! He buys a couple of drinks and goes over. "How's tricks?" He makes an Insight check - 4. “I believe everything he tells me.”

Meloon says tricks are not good; he’s having a miserable time of it. He’s been hanging out here and offering his help to adventurers on their way down the portal. The dungeon has got more dangerous in the last three months he says, and he’s growing concerned. People go in there looking for treasures, and all they find is a quick death. He thinks Durnan should close the thing up. Nuri makes another Insight check - a 1. The story seems above board.

“That sounds balls.”

Nuri offers to go in and safety the place up, but is told the thing would eat him alive.

Pfenig and Thessalie go to the bar and begin to watch the staff - covertly, like. Do they all seem like… regular? Pfenig makes an Insight check - 22.

First of all he gets the feeling that we’re being watched. He looks around and sees a pipe-smoking pseudo-dragon playing cards at one of the tables. He seems to be looking at Pfenig from down his nose, as if Pfenig is dirtying up the place. The tiny dragon is red, unlike Thessalie’s gold one.

Thessalie makes an Insight check - the man near the dragon is a member of the Watchful Order. She knows him, and the dragon. This is Ufeus and his companion Fricassee. She strikes up a conversation and gets him to deal her into their game.

The portal is much as it’s always been, Ufeus says - fewer come up than go down, but those that do come back with some valuable books. It reminds him of his youth.

Hazel is served by Durnan himself; he congratulates her on taking over Trollskull. They chat about Lif, and she asks how the Portal is going. Nice little earner, she is told. He says more people are coming back up than usual. She makes an Insight check to see if she thinks he’s a doppelgänger. Is she thinking about them at the moment, the DM asks? Hazel makes an Insight check of 5, and then she is asked to make a Perception check - 21.

She can't make out anything from Durnan, but she notices that Bonnie is staring at her nervously. She looks away when Hazel looks at her, and then calmly walks out the back. Hazel wants to follow her. She Mission Impossible Theme’s her way over the bar.

Bonnie spots her as she comes through to the back, and asks her to shut the door. She asks what Hazel is up to.

“Uhhh, nothing, you just seemed a bit nervous so I wanted to check that you were okay.”

Bonnie accuses her of thinking Durnan was a doppelgänger. How the hell would Bonnie know that??

She and four of her doppelgänger friends arrived in Waterdeep about four years ago, Bonnie admits, looking to make an honest living. She’s been keeping her friends in line, they’re not up to anything bad. they’re just looking to make a life for themselves. She can have them meet Hazel; they’ve nothing to hide.

Hazel wants to believe this. We like Bonnie. “I think that people have caught wind that you’re here. Doppelgängers don’t have a great reputation.”

It’ll take some organising but Bonnie can get them all here this afternoon, in the meeting room - she points it out.

Does Durnan know, Hazel asks? No, he doesn’t. Hazel promises not to say anything until we’ve met the others. She leaves, closing the door, and then listens at it. The DM lets her make a late Insight check - 5. “Oh. Well. Never mind then.”

Bonnie emerges into the taproom and tells Durnan she has a couple of errands to run, and leaves. Hazel tells Pfenig what’s happened.

Well, that was easy. A bit too easy? Well either they’ll turn up, or they’ll disappear.

Do Nuri and Thessalie have a plan to watch Meloon? We can pick that up next week, and skip to the meeting with the doppelgängers if we like. We do. Nuri rolls one last Insight check - Meloon is now very pissed off with him, and wants him to fuck all the way off and then fuck off a little bit more. This doesn’t seem like the Meloon he knows. He considers getting him a puppy to cheer him up, but thinks he might throw it down the portal hole.

Thessalie talks to Fricassee, a noted gossip, to see if he can tell her anything about Meloon.

These clericky do-gooders, he says, usually tripping over themselves to be helpful to adventurers, but this one's been mostly moping of late. Fricassee has seen him talking to himself. He’s got a sword that he seems to be talking to as well. Thessalie knows this sword - Azure’s Edge. It’s a legendary magical item, and is sentient. It was forged by the arch wizard Ageron. It’s made with blue dragon skin, hence the name. Good to know.

We move to the meeting room and make Perception checks. (Thessalie uses Message to tell Nuri what she found out from Fricassee.)

There is a noblewoman here; Nuri heard her exchange words with Durnan as she arrived in the Portal - his were warm, hers were less so. Nuri hears him muttering to himself outside the meeting room - maybe even eavesdropping.

Bonnie introduces her friends. Three Strings is also here, insisted on it in fact. The blond man next to him is a human bard named Cecil Weiss and a tielfing named Willifort Crowelle. The noblewoman is Naneatha Lharilstar, and the halfling is called Vaniel Shortwick.

Vaniel says, Bonnie says you’re onto us. What you gonna do about it?

Pfenig says it depends on them. Are they going to be evil? Vaniel is innocent of harming anyone, he says. Just making a life for himself tending bar at a hole in the wall for halflings. We all roll average to poor on Insight, and mostly believe him.

The bard says he is innocent too. He came here to make a name for himself. Musician, actor and playwright. Hazel rolls 15 on her Insight - this son of a bitch is full of shit! Where is he working, she asks. Between jobs. What was his last gig? He looks at her. "Fine, okay, I’ve been taking on the appearance of rivals and doing shit gigs to decrease their popularity."

Is he evil or just a dick though? He’s being selfish, but she doesn’t get any hint of a big master plan. He’s playing dirty and feathering his nest, but he’s just a chancer, there doesn't seem to be anything more sinister to it than that.

Crowelle says he’s just a servant; all of us but Hazel smell a rat on this one. Pfenig thinks he seems evil.

His concern is replacement, Pfenig says. What's happened to the people whose appearances they've taken on? At this, Durnan strides in and points at Naneatha - he is livid. He yells at her to leave, get out of his pub. He doesn’t know what she’s done to Naneatha, but she’s not her! Bonnie tries to placate him, but it isn’t washing. He’ll trust Bonnie, but he wants 'Naneatha' out.

The Emerald Enclave want them all out of the city, but it’s up to us to decide what to do. Naneatha says, so what if she killed a noble? The city is crawling with them! Surely it’s better off with fewer of them?

Nuri casts Bonfire under her; she yelps and jumps back. (She makes her save.)

Don’t make me murder you too, she threatens, but Nuri remains unimpressed.

“Oh, try it.” He's pissed off because of his encounter with Meloon, and is spoiling for a fight.

Bonnie is apologising profusely for her friends’ behaviour. Three Strings looks like he’d rather be anywhere else.

Nuri wants to kill Naneatha, and ask all the others but Bonnie to leave. He casts Scorching Ray on Naneatha. Bonnie is having a fit - not here! This is Durnan’s pub! The other doppelgängers are scowling at him. They don’t attack though, but are trying to get everyone to calm down.

Bonnie loves her job, she just wants to be left alone. The problem Pfenig is still having, is what happened to the original Bonnie?

She is a farmer’s wife, Bonnie says, and is probably alive and well. She lives in the village on the road to Waterdeep. She was so nice to her, to doppelgänger Bonnie, that her appearance was easy to take on, but she left her alive, she swears. Nuri asks all the doppelgängers to show their real forms.

Why should we, say the evil ones? Naneatha laughs.

Nuri: “Leave now, and never come back!”

Nuri tries for an Intimidation check, but gets a laugh. “You are in no position to make demands, little man.”

(The Stone tells Thessalie that Nuri thinks a lot of himself. Why doesn’t she knock him off his pedestal? Go on, he’s got his back to you and everything. No, she tells it, she doesn’t want to. Can it tell that she’s sweating, she wants to know.)

Why is Three Strings here, Thessalie asks? He’s in a relationship with Bonnie, he says, and will vouch for her. He knows she’s a doppelgänger and quite likes that she can look like someone else. (“Nice,” says Pfenig nodding.)

Pfenig makes an attempt to throw the bad ones out of the Yawning Portal. He rolls a 9 Persuasion but with Guidance brings it to 13. Naneatha laughs, but Bonnie adds her voice to Pfenig's. This was their chance to make lives for themselves but they haven’t played by the rules. They should go. He rolls again but it’s the same roll. Nuri threatens more fire - an 18 Intimidation. Naneatha doesn’t want her gown ruined, she sniffs. Fine, she’ll leave.

The other two evil ones also agree to leave. Hmm. We make Insight checks but it’s too late and they spring out of the window flipping the bird. Nuri: "... I don't think they're going to leave at all." Bonnie says she will keep track of the others and let us know if they cause trouble.

Nuri wants to invite the bard to play at our pub - we all agree enthusiastically and he accepts immediately. He’s heard about the nimblewright and wants to play with the piano-playing Clarence! Bonnie says she will give us free drinks - as much as she can without pissing off Durnan.

On our way out Durnan pulls us aside. Naneatha, the real one, was special to him; he wants us to murder the doppelgänger if she doesn’t leave Waterdeep. He would consider it a personal favour.

What’s our ten day plan for watching Meloon, the DM asks? We decide on a rotation, taking turns, so we can all have downtime at the same time. We also ask Bonnie to keep an eye on him as well. She tells us that she can read thoughts; she will be happy to keep an eye.

We end there for this week. We're off next week as it's our DM's birthday weekend! Back again the week after to get to the bottom of melancholy Meloon and his talking sword...

[dragon-heisters]

Session 28, 4th March 2023: "It was all shit-carrots and poltergeists before you lot came along."

Suggested talking points: differences between 2e and 5e, our DM’s birthday weekend, 40 is the new 25, is it just us or is the world more upsetting now that we’re older? Donkeys are too innocent and pure to fist fight, brain-eating amoebas in California’s water.

Right - so off Obliteros goes to the deep sewers, and that’s definitely the last we’ll ever hear of that. Definitely. What time is it? It’s afternoon by now. Should we go to the Seamaiden’s Faire tomorrow? The faire will be on at the moment, making it hard to investigate.

We take Jodd back to Trollskull Manor. Life has definitely improved for him since we took ownership of the place; it was all shit carrots and poltergeists before we came along. After taking a long rest, we head back down to the docks as that was where Hazel’s wererat friends tracked the drow that were sneaking around Trollskull Manor.

At this time of day the Docks Ward is still busy even though the faire isn't on yet. There are two ships docked (the Heartbreaker on the right and the Hellraiser on the left), and tents set up on the pier. Which boat are we looking under for the bronze dragon? We can't remember. Pfenig jumps off the jetty, turns into a shark and lands in the water to have a look around under both of them.

What’s in the tents, Nuri wants to know? Is one of them the game with the long stick and you have to pick the beholder out of the tank of water? Pin the tail on the Tarrasque, perhaps?

There is nothing under the ships, shark-Pfenig finds out, but junk and old crates and other detritus that people throw in the water. Hmm. The dragon said there was something big under one of the faire's ships, and that he tried to swim closer for a look but the people on the ships wouldn't let him close enough to see. Nuri and Hazel make Intelligence checks to see if they can remember which ship Zelifarn said it was under (Thessalie wasn’t there) - Nuri says it was hidden under the Eyecatcher. So, neither of these ships. The Eyecatcher is about a mile away in the deep harbour. Pfenig practices his jumps as he's already used a beast shape and doesn't want to waste it. Can a shark belly flop and hurt themselves, we wonder? (Turns out they can.)

There are lots of people around - carnival folk on the pier, and locals on the beach. Thessalie looks for drow; she can’t see any. She stomps on up to the Hellraiser and marches on board. Hazel and Nuri follow her; Pfenig leaps into the air and changes back into a tiefling, landing back on the pier.

Thessalie sees a crew member who looks like a drow. He catches her squinting at him and asks, can he help her? She’s looking for a drow, she says, who was seen hanging around our place of business. He seems reluctant to tell us anything, though he isn't openly antagonistic. Hazel wants to Charm him. She says we don’t always know who to trust, so she hopes he’ll forgive us for being cautious. Are we from Trollskull, he asks her?

"Yes," says Thessalie, without waiting for input from anyone else. He’s been told to expect us, the crew member says, we have an invitation from the Captain of the Seamaiden’s Faire and we are to be allowed free rein of the ship! What does this have to do with the drow, Hazel asks?

It’s not for him to say, he tells her. We are to be patient, and all will be revealed. Not that Pfenig is complaining, you understand, but has the Captain simply taken a shine to us, or…? It’s not for him to say, he says again.

Alright…

We commence investigating. Pfenig finds the crew quarters and some ship mates relaxing in hammocks. Thessalie finds some more, and barges into the dining cabin. They are all very polite about having their naps and meals interrupted. This all seems strange to Pfenig. (Well, to all of us, but Pfenig makes a good Insight check.) He remembers that there are all sorts of exotic animals used as part of the show - if he can find them he can become them when he beast-shapes! Suddenly the other stuff doesn't seem so important.

Nuri asks what’s up the stairs - the foredeck, he’s told. Downstairs is the (hold, I think). We all go up. Thessalie spots a mermaid figurehead at the front of the ship - she makes an Insight check but it’s bad so she doesn’t infer anything. (Insight? On a figurehead?? It's not a real mermaid, is it?) It's got its baps out; Thessalie turns away in disgust.

She finds a nimblewright in the aft castle lower deck. There are two sailors in here, and the ship’s anchor. This is the Captain’s cabin. The Captain smiles and introduces himself as Fergus Crabwater, and welcomes us aboard his boat.

Nuri wants to ask him, why are we allowed to just look around? That’s not normal practice.

Captain Zod has a proposition for us, the Captain says, which will be revealed in the fullness of time. In the meantime he wants us to know that he has nothing to hide. Nuri thanks him for his hospitality, and doesn’t set his beard on fire when he bows.

Thessalie asks about the nimblewright. Captain Zod bought them, he says, before his time.

The beast pens are on the other boat so since Pfenig is hopping from one foot to the other about it, we chuff on over and have a look.

There are several animals - including an evil dog, an axe beak, a rhino and a dinosaur, not to mention a hippogriff and an owlbear! The animals all seem unbothered about their lives in captivity, we are told.

Nuri suggests they get an ankheg, and train it to ride a unicycle.

We return to the Captain of the Hellraiser, who tells us Captain Zod wants to meet with us on the Eyecatcher. If we’re ready, he will send us out on a boat. Nuri raises a flaming eyebrow at Pfenig, hoping to remind him to look under the ship for the thing the dragon was asking about. He rolls a 6 Performance, but luckily Pfenig is on his game now that he's seen the animals and rolls a 24 Insight.

Pfenig: “Fortunately I’m fluent in whatever that was you were doing.”

It occurs to Nuri that he hasn’t seen a single woman on board either of these ships. Not one. Hazel has noticed this as well; some of the people working on the docks loading and unloading were female, but all of the crew are men. Nuri thinks this might be something to do with the superstition that having women aboard is bad luck. (Pfenig thinks they’re just all having a big gay old time.)

We head out to the deep harbour. The crewmate hears we have dined with the Captain before? Yes, he seems like a smashing chap, we tell him. Some would say ‘fabulous’. Others would say ‘under-dressed’. The crewmate has never known anyone so popular with the ladies, he tells us. Or the men, come to think of it.

Nuri asks about the superstition. Is that why there are no women aboard? He makes an Insight check. The crew mate looks uncomfortable. It might be, he’s not sure.

As we approach the Eyecatcher, now that we are seeing it in daylight we can tell how ostentatious a ship it is. Waiting to greet us is Captain Zod, who welcomes us warmly. Did we enjoy looking around the ships? Yes, especially the collection of beasts. The allosaurus came all the way from Chult; Nuri seems intrigued by the mention of that place.

We join him in his quarters, along with the nimblewright. Would we like a drink? We are all reluctant to accept or imbibe anything until we know why we're here. Hazel watches the door. Captain Zod says that he’s had his men watch us and our establishment, and he believes he can trust us. He suggests we are all honest with each other.

Do we still have the stone, is it safe? Nuri taps his pocket. Very safe. (He gets away with not making a Deception check for this.)

In the interests of honesty, says Zod - and morphs into a very handsome drow! We may have heard of him, he says - his name is Jarlaxle Baenre, the open lord of Luskan.

He leads a group of drow who have escaped the (underdark?). He looks to Thessalie and says she had him concerned when she was looking at the figureheads; they are ensorcelled to make the crew look human.

Of course she noticed something magical about them, she just couldn't discern its exact nature, she says. (“Lie better,” Nuri messages her.)

Jarlaxle explains that the crew are all male because only male drow are treated badly and needed to escape. He is trying to improve Luskan’s standing in the world, but the other Lords won’t listen; he wants the Stone - or rather, the hoard of Dragons that it will lead to - as a bargaining chip.

Here's his plan: one of us attunes to the Stone and finds the money; he can use it to get a place at the table - minus 10,000 for our trouble and another 10,000 for finding a particular item for him on top. We all look at each other. We should talk about this in private, Thessalie says after a moment. The Captain nods and says he will wait outside. (He says this room is warded against magical eavesdropping.)

Thessalie has heard of him, she tells the others, his exploits are infamous. He’s a great fighter and quite a charmer; he’s dangerous. We wouldn’t want to cross him. Pfenig thinks he’s trustworthy (25 Insight).

We could renovate Trollskull with that kind of money. We are all very tempted by this offer. Let's do it! Any adventure that doesn’t involve the sewers is A-OK by us. We call the Captain back in.

But who should attune to the Stone? Thessalie wants to, and Nuri absolutely doesn’t. Pfenig already tried, and wasn’t successful. Thessalie is almost as excited at the prospect of attuning to the Stone of Golorr as Pfenig was a while ago about seeing the animals; she is practically salivating at the thought.

Okay, sounds like a plan - Thessalie will attune to the Stone. (She tries hard not to jump up and down.) Nuri asks the Captain, if anyone else attacks Trollskull with guns, would his people save the propellant? He’ll go one better, Jarlaxle says - if we succeed, he’ll gift us explosives from the fireworks they use in the show. Nuri’s eyes light up, in a not dissimilar way to how Thessalie’s did a minute ago.

The captain says he will station sharpshooters on our roof to protect us. Oh, and by the way, Laeral Silverhand? That was him as well! Thessalie: "I knew it wasn't her!"

(Thessalie did remember that we were supposed to take the Stone to 'Laeral Silverhand', she just wasn't going to say anything if it meant she could maybe attune to the Stone.)

One more thing, Jarlaxle asks - did some of his boys see us talking with the bronze dragon?

… Yeah…?

If we go down to the bottom layer of the ship, Jarlaxle says, we will find the answer to the dragon’s question. We can tell him, but Jarlaxle makes us promise not to tell anyone else. We shake his hand and go down - into a submarine! Drow and gnomes are busy at their work down here. There is a locked door, behind which is the engine.

As we leave the sub, Jarlaxle says no hard feelings about the agent we killed - which? Huh? Oh wait - we chased two across the rooftops, but we killed the other one outside the tower. Whoops…. Well, he shouted racist abuse at Hazel, so meh. Jarlaxle doesn't seem especially broken up about it either.

He invites us to stay for the Faire, and gives us free tickets. (Thessalie cannot concentrate at all on the attractions, as she’s thinking about the Stone and eyeing Pfenig's bag.) We enjoy the festivities and call it a night.

Back at Trollskull, Thessalie makes her first attempt to attune to the Stone of Golorr and fails miserably; she hears a voice in her head that announces she is unworthy. She is devastated. She has another go the following day, and somehow rolls a nat 1; even Pfenig's Guidance won't help that. She has a cry and a few drinks, and tries one more time -

She feels icy fingers under her skin, then it settles. She has attuned to the Stone, at last! She suppresses a maniacal cackle, knowing the others are watching closely and she can't reveal her plan just yet.

The minor property of the Stone is a spell - Chaos Bolt. She can cast it once per day, unless it recharges on a 6. The other spell she can now cast using the Stone works much the same way, but it's a level 6 spell - Chain Lightning... Thessalie feels her hair start to lift with all the power that is suddenly coursing through her.

The DM says he will wait to tell her the bad stuff until next week…

... Uh oh.

[dragon-heisters]

Session 27 Feb 25 2023: Leave all your possessions and your Jodds where they are and exit in an orderly fashion

No Hazel this week as she’s in Macclesfield with her sister. (“Enjoy the sewers!” she says cheerfully in the group chat.) Suggested talking points: old people hobbies, more magic items is more betterer, when is the best time to whip out a flying monkey (when it’s least expected. Which is pretty much all the time)

Nuri signs in as Hazel as well as himself in order to give us the best possible chance at not dying, and we discuss ways to get the remaining thug captain to tell us where Jodd is. Nuri immediately suggests torture; Thessalie thinks we ought to try just asking him first and go from there.

What’s in the new spellbook? Charm Person and Suggestion are in there and would be helpful, but we can’t cast from someone else’s spellbook. It would take time we don’t have to scribe spells into our own spellbooks.

Hazel has her knots badge, so we have her tie the captain to a barrel so he can’t escape.

Pfenig has Charm Person, yay! Hazel makes a Perception check; a five. Never mind! She makes a Sleight of Hand check to tie the Captain - better, a 15.

Pfenig does a medicine check (holds a special mushroom to his nose) to wake him up, and rolls a 9. He’s still unconscious. Can Thessalie kick him…? She splashes water from her waterskin on his face, natty 20s the medicine check.

"So, so glad I've wasted a natural 20 on that."

He looks furious, but we have his attention. Nuri begins the questioning.

“Now. About our Jodd.”

“What do you want?”

“… Well, we did already say.”

He is disinclined to give us our Jodd back, it’s more than his life’s worth. Pfenig: “ That’s literally not true.”

He has orders to leave here with either Jodd or the Stone, and he flatly refuses to budge. Nuri makes a suggestion. We could help him escape the city without having to face his boss? He makes a Persuasion check; 17.

If he tells us where he is, we let him go - we walk him back to the entrance of the sewer and he’ll tell us where Jodd is. Pfenig would like to change the order of these things, otherwise he’s fine with it. Counteroffer - he walks us to Jodd and then we escort him out.

He’ll walk us to the door where Jodd is, and then we escort him out?

Who is with Jodd, Nuri asks? Pfenig notices that this question makes the Captain sweat.

Someone more frightening than us, he says, but refuses to say more. He’ll draw us a map, final offer. Can we really trust him, Pfenig wants to know? Insight - 12. He thinks he is desperately trying to think of ways to escape his situation, and can likely be trusted at least in this.

Hazel unties one of his arms and lets him draw. He stops after drawing the first section and points to the wall where his dead colleagues are stacked. As a show of faith, he says there is a secret door over there. Nuri goes over to check, and there is indeed a secret door! It’s locked, but it doesn’t look complicated. He’ll even give us his keys if we untie him a bit more; Hazel snorts and goes over to pick the lock.

There is another door beyond that one; she opens that as well.

What’s his name, Pfenig asks the Captain? Has he ever done any bar work?

Jeff, and yes, but mostly robbing them.

He finishes the map, and asks to be untied. We are still uncertain, so Nuri suggests going to check that Jodd is where he says he is and leaving Pazuzu here to keep an eye on our captive. He can have Pazuzu untie him once we’ve confirmed that Jodd is there.

Pfenig makes a grab for the map - several dice rolls later he gets it. The Captain calls Pfenig a scummy bastard.

Looking at the map, it shows a second secret door. On the other side is the sewage pipe where we were when the Pudding attacked, with the corpse. There’s a secret door there with another secret room, in which Jeff has written “Jodd”.

Is there any way we can take a liiiiiiiiiiittle short rest? We do that, and then get barging in to save our Jodd. Stealthily. Sort of. We don’t roll great.

We go through the door indicated on the map, some of us more quietly than others. There is a set of stairs leading down, and another door at the bottom. Hazel and Pfenig make Perception checks - it seems that Joe has wedged some gum under the “Sabotage Player” button and stuck it down, so Hazel rolls bad and doesn’t notice anything. Pfenig notices the sound of snoring and a smell, even funnier than what he exudes - he knows the fetid stink of gobbos anywhere.

Stealth again - Thessalie rolls a nat 1 and Aurix a nat 20; he shakes his head at her.

Hazel unlocks the door - click! - and opens it just a crack. She sees hammocks hanging from a large pillar. Two have goblins snoozing in them, and two more contain Gazers. Hazel casts Message to tell us all what she sees. There is no sign of Jodd, however.

We could pretend it’s a fire drill. No - leave all your possessions and your Jodds where they are and exit in an orderly fashion…

Let’s have Hazel sneak in and take out a Gazer, and we can all pile in afterwards and take something else out - quietly. Tackle the Gazers first. Pfenig isn’t sure about attacking sleeping creatures, but they are definitely associates of whoever snuck into our tavern and stole our Jodd, so…

We pile in, quietly, and take a surprise round. Hazel goes first, running one of the Gazers through with her rapier. 24 hits, and she’s an assassin so that’s an auto-crit. Pierced hand - double damage! How de do dis! She stabs it through the primary eye and it deflates like a ruptured whoopee cushion. "Silently."

Pfenig is next, and Shilslfghdfhjdhljh’s a gobbo. He doesn’t kill it, so morally he’s in the clear. Aurix tries a sting against the Gazer but misses, so Thessalie Magic Missile’s it. It doesn’t die but it’s a good solid hit. Nuri quietly Mind Sliver’s the Gazer. It makes the save…

We roll initiative. Pfenig is up first. He thinks for a minute before deciding, “I’m gonna hit him again.” He nat 20s and kills the goblin! Gut Punch - double damage. How de do dis! “I do dis!”

Thessalie Fire Bolts the gazer, getting the how de do dis. “He sets his bed on fire and they burn together.”

Nuri: “Just like in the great plays.” He has another go at quietly ‘influencing the mind’ of the goblin. It fails this time and takes 6 psychic damage; some blood trickles from his nose but he’s still up. Hazel goes up to the goblin and stabs it. Another auto-crit and another how de do dis! “With aggressive quietness.” She covers its mouth with one hand and pushes the rapier through the bottom of the hammock with the other.

And to show how much we’ve grown, we won’t even loot the bodies!

We make Perception checks; all of us hear from the next door, much merrymaking. Lots of gobbos, all clearly having a whale of a time. Nuri checks on Pazuzu quickly; he’s grinning an unnerving simian grin at the Captain. “Ook.”

Onwards then, let’s murder some more gobbos. This door isn’t locked, just as well because Hazel didn’t roll great on her Thieves’ Tools. Inside is a sort of dive bar meets gambling den, populated by gobbos. There are scorch marks all over the walls floor and ceiling, and at one of the tables she spots this little guy:

A goblin pyromancer! We all love him immediately, and Pfenig wants to employ him as a fry cook once we kill all his friends. Maybe.

Shall we all just barrel in and start swinging? Diplomacy, as evidenced most recently by our encounter with Jeff, is not our strong suit. Go in swinging it is!

The non-pyromancer gobbos all look frightened as we enter, but they start attacking anyway. We only understand two words: “cunt” and “burn”, mixed in with a stream of goblin from the pyromancer as it casts Fireball, burning all of us including his mates. Oh and as well, anyone who is resistant to fire, is not resistant to this as it is a Fire Adept. Fuck!

Hazel and Aurix go down, Thessalie is down to 2hp, and Pfenig is down to his last temporary hit point. Poor baby. It did take out several of the non-pyromancer gobbos, however. Adding insult to injury, it hides.

(Pazuzu passes on to Nuri that when the fireball reverberated through the sewers, he saw Jeff’s eyes go wide. “Shit.”) Nuri does Scorching Ray on the pyromancer, who he managed to find, and it turns out that Nuri is also a Fire Adept, overcoming any fire resistance the gobbo has. He does 18 Fire damage and a crit: Resistance is futile. Max damage, and if the target is resistant to this damage type, it loses that resistance for 1 minute.

A gobbo fires a bow at Pfenig, hitting for 8 damage. “Oh no, all my temporary hit points are gone.”

Pfenig’s turn. He casts Ice Knife at third level at the pyromancer. DM: “He’s not going to want to work in your bar if you throw ice knives at him.”

“He doesn’t really seem like a team player, to be honest.”

He hits for for 4 piercing and 8 cold damage, and the shard of ice explodes doing damage to the gobbos next to it as well! It kills the other gobbo -

“He’s all cold and shivering and he shivers himself to bits!”

And on the Pyromancer as well - “Chill out!” Pfenig runs to Hazel, but has nothing he can do to revive her as a bonus action. He can do a medicine check, the DM says. He stabilises her!

Thessalie makes a Perception check, spots the last goblin and points it out, and chugs a potion. Nuri Fire Bolts the last gobbo and kills it. How de do dis! “… With fire.”

He checks in on Pazuzu and gives him a message to give to Jeff; “Oook,” Pazuzu dutifully passes on.

Pfenig casts Cure Wounds on Hazel while Nuri and Thessalie loot the bodies.

Pfenig finds a ring of keys on the Pyromancer, with three keys. Two are accounted for as Hazel has already picked them. Pfenig and Thessalie check for secret doors. Thessalie checks the floor with a 25; she is confident there is nothing hidden in the flagstones.

Pfenig rolls a 9; he cannot see any secret doors. Hazel gently pushes him to one side and runs her hands over the wall; nat 20! She cannot see any secret doors in this room. She pops back into the hammock room and checks the wall in there; another nat 20! “There it is.”

She gives it a bloody good unlocking. Well, she picks it before Nuri can arrive with the keys. Well, she breathes on it and it falls open, apologising to her as it does so.

Behind it is a storage closet containing one Jodd! He has found a fancy blanket, which he eagerly shows to Hazel. It’s got a high thread count; she’s impressed. Jodd gives it to her. Nuri and Thessalie can both cast Identify as a ritual; Thessalie stands aside and lets Nuri do it.

Jodd was in the kitchen, he says, and someone he hadn’t seen before tapped on the window. They told him there was a carrot convention down the road; he popped out to have a look, and they bashed him on the head and he woke up here.

Nuri discovers that the blanket is magical:

Almost as good as a Pocket Spa! Nuri has Pazuzu untie Jeff. It takes him a little while.

We’ve got time to sort the Obliteros situation if we want? Nuri wants to go and see Magister Barch to convince her to sanction throwing criminals into the bay for Obliteros.

“Now, don’t say no straight away. I give you: Death by Obliteros.”

(Pfenig makes suitably appropriate oooh-ing noises.)

Magister Barch wants to know what he has promised this shark.

Nuri: “Well, we said - ”

Thessalie: “Nononononononono, you said.”

Nuri explains the details of the bargain, and makes his case. You’ll never get rid of the gangs entirely, but if they’re not openly warring in the streets that’s surely for the best?

Have we really explored all the other options, Pfenig wonders? What about killing Obliteros? We did try that, and we couldn’t do it. What about asking the bronze dragon to help us…?

Magister Barch gives Nuri credit for imagination, but she can’t see the other magisters agreeing to this. But, she says, there are numerous entrances from the sewers to the harbour. Perhaps we could convince Obliteros to take up residence in the deep sewers? That would have the same effect, but it would mean the magisters wouldn’t have to codify ‘death by shark’ into law.

The magisters are happy for the bronze dragon to stay, but they don’t like the shark being there. If we can find a way to move it on…? We should give Obliteros a formal warning, written on official stationery, sealed and everything, that if she doesn’t stop eating people then the city will be forced to do something about it.

We go and talk to the dragon first, since Obliteros said that the next time she sees us she will, quote, 'eat us, sick us up and eat us again'.

We Persuade Grinda, the owner of the Apparatus, to cast Water Breathing on us, and off we go into the harbour to find Zelifarn.

He shoots up to us, all smiles. “Greetings! What brings you here?”

Nuri explains the sitch. Obliteros was perturbed by Zelifarn’s reluctance to allow her to eat sailors; we’ve been talking to a Magister of the city, who has suggested that we encourage Obliteros to go into the deep sewers and eat criminals. Is that cool with you? If it’s not, would you help us destroy Obliteros?

Zelifarn recognises Obliteros’ right to exist, even if she’s evil. She kills things for fun. If she agrees to move to the sewers Zelifarn is ok with that but if she returns, he will help us kill her.

We’re still looking for the doohickey under the boat, we tell him, we’ll get back to him on that. He’s asked some merfolk to look and they did, but they won’t tell him what it is so his offer to us still stands.

We move to the other bit of the harbour and Obliteros arrives. We’d better have good news or she’ll eat us! Well, Nuri says, we have good news. Great news, really, but it does involve a little bit of relocation. We’ve spoken to the lawmakers, and the dragon, and they both agree that if you would be happy to swim into the deep sewers and consume the gang members in there, then everyone is happy. They will all want to kill you if you keep eating fishermen though, so there’s that.

He makes his Persuasion check at Advantage - 16. The terms are agreeable, but can Obliteros eat one of us for the road? Just one? There are four of us…? A little snackette.

We’re not delicious, Pfenig says, and expresses some spores to back up his argument. How about the pointy one then?

"No, no," says Thessalie hastily. "I'm tough, I've been told. Old boots."

Obliteros will check out the sewers, and if the pickings are as good as we say, she’ll consider staying. She asks us to extend an invitation to Grinda to visit her for tea. We’ll pass that on…

She extends the invitation to us as well; Nuri hopes that she can’t smell the urine that is suddenly emanating from him.

Next week we will do the Seamaiden’s Faire and faction quests, and some downtime. Yeah! We return the Apparatus and extend Obliteros’ invitation to Grinda. Last thing - we all have to make CON saves. Thessalie and Nuri fail dismally, and make no progress toward immunity from general sewer-yuck. Great.

[dragon-heisters]

Session 26, 19 Feb 2023: "'Sleep?! You hack! For Godssakes."

We’re on on Sunday this week. Suggested talking points: finding friends asleep in ditches after parties, has Pfenig always been green (yes), now we’re nearing the end of Dragon Heist, the DM is going to start actively trying to kill us. (Hazel: “Well, what have you been doing up to now??”)

This area of the sewers counts as Primary Passage - which is good, because it has walkways and we don’t have to swim.

We are so accustomed to this place now that we no longer have to make Con saves versus throwing up. Hooray…?

The Tiny Overlord is in bed, so Hazel joins us and we’re off to the sewers! As his last act of mercy, the DM offers us a long rest and a shopping trip. We accept. Hazel haggles for potions, bartering them down to 38gp per, then 35 by fluttering her eyelashes at Fala. She is unable to barter the arrows down, however, and pays the full 4gp each for them.

Nuri wants to find a scroll of Magic Mouth. Thessalie has some stuff she wants to sell. Nuri asks Pfenig for the fake stone, saying loudly that he DOESN’T WANT THE REAL ONE. Can any of us think of a message he can make the fake stone say if it gets stolen, to convince the thieves it’s the real one?

“Thank you for stealing the Stone of Golorr. Your attunement is important to us.” We decide to have it say something like “PROVE YOUR WORTHINESS”. That should keep the thief occupied.

Nuri decides on: “PROVE YOUR WORTH! WHAT COMMON WORD HAS THREE CONSECUTIVE DOUBLE LETTERS?”

The trigger will be if someone holds the stone to their face as if examining it. This will happen every time someone does that, until dispelled.

We take long rests, Thessalie pops Aurix out and has him sit on her shoulder, and off we go. We follow the map on the ransom note - it leads north to a little cul de sac. The sewer is not locked, so we open it to a ladder and a familiar stink of sewage. We find ourselves in a small room with the symbol of the plumbers guild is on the wall. There is a door with an open padlock lying on the floor in front of it; Pfenig opens the door convinced it’s a trap.

It’s weirdly clean in the room beyond. The tunnel beyond that is rushing with sewage running out of pipes and into it. It’s about waist deep in the middle, but we’ll only get our feet wet if we stick to the edge. Pfenig goes first and gets hit with a pseudopod!

His armour hisses a bit and his AC goes down.

He Shillfglkfgkfhjjjh’s and hits the Black Pudding with his staff. 20 hits for 8 Bludgeoning damage. It fails the save and takes two necrotic damage.

“It hates you a little bit.”

“I’m comfortable with that.”

It occurs to Nuri that last time we were here and he did fire magic, we all got exploded a bit from all the farts.

(The DM remembers to make Hazel and Pfenig do Dex saves to keep from getting sewer water splashed in their faces as it lands. Hazel fails.)

Nuri does Mind Sliver, deciding against fire for now, and Thessalie Magic Missile; the thing is cracking and starting to show signs of damage. Hazel scampers away, covered in shit, and hides behind a pipe. She rolls an 11 and is not hidden, but she’ll still get sneak attack anyway because it’s in range with Pfenig. She rolls an 8 - it hits! She does 18 damage total.

As her arrow strikes it, it does more cracking damage - but her arrow sinks in and dissolves. ("I just spent four gold pieces on that!")

The pudding has another go at eating Pfenig. 15 - “That’s exactly my new armour class since the last attack!” He loses all his hit points including his favourite one and goes down. It’s his turn now so he makes a death save. 11! Yay!

Nuri makes a Perception check - a 5.

DM: “Never mind!”

Nuri Hexes it and does a point blank Fire Bolt, rolling at Disadvantage. 9 still hits - and there is no explosion. He sets fire to zero farts! Thessalie splashes across the river to see the pudding, grumbling about her boots, and accidentally steps on Pfenig; to make it up to him she uses one of her OWN potions to heal him 5HP. (He owes her a potion now, she tells him, of which fact she will remind him at a later date. On fancy stationery.)

Hazel hides, rolling a 27 and is informed that she is not hidden. A quick nature check tells her that it has Blindsight. Fuck!

A bit of the blob breaks off at her next attack, though, and falls into the water. The pudding makes an attempt to Dash - Nuri gets an Attack of Opportunity if he wants it. Can he give it a bit of distance and then shoot it with a shortbow? Yes, the DM tells him. 9 hits for 9 piercing and 5 fire/necrotic.

It’s looking ropey and another bit sloughs off and hisses into the sewer water.

Pfenig: “Right, revenge flavoured death.” He swigs a healing potion and then administers an Ice Knife, hitting for 22 and doing 6 piercing and 4 cold damage.

The DM has good news and bad - well, two bits of good and one bad. He’ll give Pfenig a shit sandwich. The blob takes the piercing, is immune to cold, how de do dis!

Right, where to now? Nuri investigates the dead body that Pfenig found before the fight. He pokes the body with a stick; the pockets seem empty. There are fewer teeth than fingers, and that doesn’t look recent. Nuri suspects this death was something to do with the gang war in the city. There are no tattoos that Nuri can see; the skin is quite rotten, black and purple, so he might be missing something. Does he want to look closer? He opens the shirt with the stick and peers - nothing he can see. He tries not to throw up in his mouth.

He makes a Perception check while standing there - 11. Never mind. Pfenig barges across the river to a door on the other side and opens it. There’s a guard there, but he says nothing as Pfenig enters.

We all follow, Thessalie complaining about having to clean her boots again. The guard, a dwarf, once we’re all in the room, stands aside from another door further in and tells us the rest are waiting for us.

“Where’s Jodd?” Pfenig demands of the individuals in the next room.

“Did you bring the Stone?”

“Where’s Jodd?” Nuri and Pfenig refuse to hand anything over until we have proof of life. Nuri takes the (fake!) Stone out of his pocket, (without cackling), and holds it up.

“We give you this and you, what, tell us where he is?”

“Leave the Stone on the crate and leave the room. We’ll take a look at it and call you back in.”

Hazel makes an Insight check to see if the thug is telling the truth about Jodd being alive. She thinks he is. We reluctantly slink out.

Back in the first room, we hear Nuri’s message go off through the door. It opens again after about a minute.

“Oi.”

We go back in; they know it’s not the real Stone. We feign ignorance; looks like we’ve all been taken for suckers. The dwarf doesn’t like being dicked around. Look, we gave you the Stone, now give us Jodd! That’s the only Stone we got!

The dwarf doesn’t believe us. He’s got his orders. He’s happy to kill us and take it off our dead bodies.

Thessalie: “Alright, let’s see how that goes.”

“Alright then.” We roll Initiative, as Pfenig reminds himself never to try and order Thessalie around.

The lead thug approaches Thessalie with a nasty grin and calling her 'sweetheart' - he hits her for a lot and gets Hellish Rebuked in return. Pfenig uses his Symbiotic Entity, and then casts Shilsfgljsfglkfhjh.

Hazel stabs him with her rapier. “Fuck you. Sweetheart.”

Thessalie casts Shatter on the backup thugs, three of the four fail and take 8 damage. She takes a potion for her bonus action. One shoots at Hazel, who failed to hide, and nat20’s her for 11 damage.

Nuri Scorching Ray’s the captain and two of the thugs, killing one and burning his shadow onto the wall. He kills the other thug too, burning his shadow on top of the other one. He blows on his finger guns and holsters them.

A remaining thug shoots him. Nuri: “I refuse.” 15 hits him good though, and he takes a cheeky little five piercing damage.

The guard comes in and pokes Nuri with his scimitar - but not before making a Con save. He fails and takes 6 points of gross from Pfenig in his lungs.

Aurix stings the captain and then flies out of reach, poisoning him. Disadvantage on ability checks and attacks for an hour, yeah!

He hits at Thessalie but misses, then at Nuri and misses again, then at Pfenig but hits. (This is definitely racially motivated, Pfenig and Nuri decide.)

It’s Pfenig’s turn, and the captain takes one portion of Shilleksfglhjh right up his gusset - and Pfenig swings at Advantage as Thessalie is within range. 19 hits for 11 damage.

Hazel hides, and these fucks don’t have Blindsight so she’s hidden, yay! She shoots a thug and thinks that ten misses - but it doesn’t. 12 damage and how de do dis!

“Ohhh, he falls down.”

Thessalie Battering Ram’s the captain for 18 damage, pushing him into the opposite wall. “Don’t call me Sweetheart.”

A thug shoots at Thessalie but she Shields and he misses.

Nuri casts Infestation - the guard fails and is Covered in Bees!

It’s the guard’s turn, so he pokes Nuri in the pudding for 4 damage.

“Ah, why?”

“Because you covered him in bees!”

Aurix bites at the captain but misses and flies away looking sheepish.

The captain makes more attacks - still at Disadvantage from Aurix’s poison. He misses all of us!

Pfenig’s turn. He will bop the captain on the head with his Shkdlfsgkdfhljh, “In a non-lethal fashion.” The captain parries, making the attack miss. Pfenig reaction-poisons him a bit. Captain fails the save and take 5 Spore damage.

Hazel does a little stabby-stabby with her rapier against the guard. 11 hits the guard and gets the how de do dis! “He is stabbed with the rapier and he gets all stabby and bleedy and he falls down. He’s very sorry for what he did.”

Thessalie non-lethally Fire Bolts the captain, who goes down. Yeah. She brushes some dust off her sleeves and sniffs disdainfully.

The last remaining thug shoots at Thessalie and misses; “I should stop while you’re behind if I were you, darling.”

A purple haze appears in the room, along with another man who’s been hiding in here the whole time!!!

Magical Ambush…

He casts Sleep, taking Aurix and Thessalie out right away.

It’s Nuri’s turn. He approaches the newcomer and Burning Handses him.

DM: “That’s rude.”

Nuri, with disgust at the mage: “‘Sleep’?! You hack! For godssakes.”

Pfenig turns his attention to the remaining thug and Shslfgdkfhjhs him and gets the how de do dis! “And stay down!” The floor is stone so instead of hammering him into the ground like a tent peg he hammers the dwarf’s head into his neck like a tent peg.

Aurix is out, so Hazel is up. She shoots the mage and gets the how de dos dis! “Do we need him alive? Non-lethal damage.”

Nuri: “We don’t need him, we got the other guy.”

Hazel, gleefully: “Lethal damage!”

We tie up the captain and loot the bodies. Nuri finds this:

We will interrogate the captain next week…

[dragon-heisters]

Session 25, 11 Feb 2023: "Yeah, you go and talk to the mice."

Suggested talking points - cat fury becomes unfunny exactly at the point that your blood starts to emerge and stain the sofa, are elephants like baked potatoes (more like venison; they turn to boot leather if you leave them too long in the pan).

Pfenig and Thessalie do Rollies to see who has the Stone; Pfenig wins in spite of rolling a 6. He does an Arcana check; he notices that the Stone seems to be looking at whoever is talking as we walk.

Pfenig: “It’s like a haunted potato.”

So do we attune to the thing? Nuri suggests we get off the street first since basically everyone who has had it before us has died horribly. We go back to Trollskull Manor for a nap.

Nuri asks Pfenig if he can have a look at the Stone. With his eyes. And his hands.

“But it came to me!”

“I’M NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU! I’m trying to help you.”

Nuri wants to put it in his lamp so it can read that book we found about nobles having scandalous affairs with tieflings. Pfenig gives it to him, and he does that. Pfenig didn't think he was serious; wants it back. Nuri gives him the lamp.

The tavern is bustling when we return. Ignoring all our friends, we fuck off to bed, exhausted.

Nuri conducts a ritual spell on his long rest… He’s got himself a friend!

Meet Pazuzu! He’s a flying monkey. Pfenig hopes he’s not given to poo-flinging.

Our friends from Trollskull Alley are still here, and call us over. Pazuzu is chewing an onion as he stares Roscoe in the eyes.

“Where have you been?” our friends ask. “It’s all been kicking off here. People in hoods - maybe Zhents. We were going to form a militia! Some turned up in the back alleys with strange wounds. Like a little hole on the front and a big hole in the back.”

(Doesn’t sound like a shark bite; Nuri breathes a sigh of relief.)

“Then a dwarf sapper with a weird tattoo on his head, similar wounds, he was found with a load of explosives. He was planning to blow your tavern up.”

We have heard of firearms, though they’re rare. We do History checks to see if the wounds ring any bells. (Pfenig thinks it might have been a hungry worm.) Nuri recognises them as gunshot wounds.

Hazel spots her friend Roscoe; he slyly beckons her over. She goes over to pretend to rein in Pazuzu. Roscoe tells her it is true; the eye tattoo looks like a Xanathar thing. He and his boys were keeping an eye out, and around the same time as the bodies were found, some of them saw figures on the rooftops. They followed them in the direction of the Docks Ward - to the travelling fair.

Lif calls across the bar - since we’re back, have any of us seen Jodd? (Hazel: “Hooray!”)

Who was the last to see him? Lif doesn’t know. Pfenig suggests talking to the mice. Hazel, in her most patronising voice: “Yeah, you go and talk to the mice.”

Pfenig ignores her and asks them anyway. They say Jodd is usually in the kitchen, hasn’t been there for ages but there was a shady character who slipped in to the kitchen and then back out. They only saw him from above; mice consider it bad luck to enter a kitchen, for reasons lost to mouse history.

Drop everything; we have to find Jodd. Nuri has an idea - find the Bronze dragon. He asks Thessalie, if she wanted to change or adjust a given law, who would she talk to? The officials that go between the Lords and the populace are the Magistrates.

Nuri was given a list of laws and punishments when he arrived in Waterdeep. He notices we have the death penalty; what sort of deaths are we talking about? Possibly we could talk someone into adding death by shark…? We could satisfy Obliteros’ bargain, placate the dragon and the magistrates, and push the gangs back underground, solving all our - well, Nuri's - problems in one fell swoop.

Thessalie thinks there is no way in hell the magistrates will go for that, but if we spin it as a temporary measure (or a threat…) to get the gangs to buckle under, we might at least open them up to discussion.

We investigate the kitchen for signs of Jodd, and Thessalie finds this note:

Xanathar. Those pricks. Attached is a map, showing us which sewer grate to go in. Thessalie assumes we’re not going to actually give them the Stone…? Pfenig makes a slightly passive-aggressive remark about Nuri deciding he knows what’s best for us all, so he has no say in what happens to the Stone. Nuri offers to go back into his lamp and get it; and does so, giving the Stone back to Pfenig and retreating 30 feet (which is, coincidentally, the radius of the Fireball spell).

Pfenig puts the Stone in his Bag of Holding. Should he just attune to it? He takes the Stone out again and does an Intelligence check - he rolls a nine. This isn’t like any normal attunement. He stops being aware of his surroundings; a horrendous voice in his head announces that he is not worthy.

Thessalie suggests maybe someone else should try; Pfenig just puts the Stone back into his Bag.

Don’t we know a Zhent or two who might shed some light on this…? We could ask Yagra, and also the other Zhent we sheltered for a while, if we can find her. They’re from opposing factions, but they might know something.

We are all up for a fight, so we decide to mount a rescue for Jodd and put on our sewer boots. We follow the directions on the note, taking the stone with us in Pfenig’s bag. What’s the worst that could happen?

Well… It's raining extremely heavily which might account for why we didn’t hear them, but there are some thugs in the alley. They demand that we give them the Stone.

Nuri, casting Fire Bolt at him: “Fuck off, we’ve got places to be.”

Initiative time!

The noisy one goes first, shooting something called Varalla’s Shadow Missile at Nuri and Hazel. We all make Dex saves. Hazel only takes half damage, predictably.

Pfenig casts Shilldfgljslgksjglh, and Hazel shoots with her shortbow: “I fuck him up.” She hides behind a cart. There's a cat on it. A thug moves up and shoots Nuri.

“Rude!” Nuri hates that as a free action.

Just out of spite, he stands really close to the one who shot him, and does Fire Bolt. He misses. He’ll treat that as a warning shot. (Pfenig: “And let that be a lesson to you!”)

Is he going to try and educate them with his bonus action? Nope, that’s it. He's done. Another steps out, takes out his crossbow and shoots Nuri, who has had enough of being shot with crossbows. Two whole piercing damage.

They are coming up in the chat as Zhent thugs; can we tell they’re Zhents? Yes, they’re not hiding it, the DM tells us.

Thessalie isn’t wasting spell slots on these idiots. She Fire Bolts the mage, rolling her eyes as she does so. She saunters behind Hazel’s cart and pretends she can’t see her.

She and Hazel can see a window open in the building to their right - the woman inside is trying to call the cat. It looks at her; ‘bitch, please.’ Thessalie pets it.

The mage moves up in line with Hazel and Thessalie, and does a cone template at Pfenig, Nuri, and one of his own guys. It’s a little spell called Wave of Pain, which forces a Con save. Nuri and Pfenig both fail, and are incapacitated with until the end of their next turns. (The lackey fails as well.)

Pfenig misses his turn, so we move on to Hazel. Even though he has her in his eyeline, she hid so well that he still can’t see her so she shoots him. 15 hits for 12 damage including Sneak Attack. She re-hides with a dirty 20, if she scoots around the corner of the cart and behind the cat.

Nuri and the one thug skip their turns, so on to the other thug - the one we couldn’t see. He comes out (Pfenig: “I mean, good for you, but is this really the time?”), steps over Nuri and Pfenig and shoots at Thessalie but misses.

One more holds his turn until Nuri gets up, at which point he will shoot him. Nice.

Thessalie crossly Magic Missile’s the mage - “Stop it.” How de do dis! He explodes in a shower of sparks.

Pfenig stops writhing, gets up (with the fury of a god!) and swings his shilsgslkfgjh, “Right at the fork.” Halo of Spores, and the thug has to make a Con (I think?) save. He saves, notices a slightly musty smell, and gets on with his day.

Hazel shoots one of the thugs with a 19, for 9 damage. DM: “He bleedin’!” She hides, hoping the cat isn’t going to rat her out. It gives her a look: ‘amateur.’ Hazel, muttering: “Fuck you.”

The next thug introduces his mace to the top of Pfenig’s skull. “I forbid it!” He swings at Nuri as well for good measure. One hits, the other doesn’t.

DM: “Bang, right on the noggin.”

Nuri wants to know if he knows the one thug is planning to shoot him; he does, as he’s holding his crossbow with his finger on the trigger and grinning at him. Nuri creates a bonfire under his feet. He hasn’t done that for a while. The thug makes a Dex save and fails, taking 9 fire damage. Nuri smiles at him and stays smugly lying down like Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park.

Another thug swings at both Nuri and Pfenig - a hit and a miss. The thug on the bonfire steps off it and swings at Nuri with his mace instead. (The DM forgot that he would technically have Advantage if Nuri is prone, so we’ll house rule it for now and apply it next time it comes up.)

Thessalie Fire Bolts a thug, checking to see which ones seem most hurt. One of the thugs snuck around the bakery and behind Thessalie; he shoots her in the back. She Hellish Rebukes him. It doesn’t quite kill him but she does a lot of damage which pleases her.

Pfenig has a big swing a the thug in front of him “because I’m not fond of his face”, for 9 bludgeoning damage. He looks at him in rage and spits on him a bit. Presumably as a free action.

Hazel is AFK so Nuri takes over. She goes for the same thug as last time and natty 20s it! Right in the kisser. Max damage, and the target cannot speak for 1d4 rounds. Which doesn’t matter because how de do dis!

Nuri, as Hazel: “Um, gratuitously.”

The thug can’t speak but he can gurgle as he dies, so he does. Hazel hides again. 27; even the cat doesn’t know she’s there.

Nuri will get up. He turns to face the one that didn’t bonk him on the head; this is one of the ones who shot him. Nuri creates another bonfire under his feet.

DM: “That’s deeply unkind, Nuri.”

“I might even be smiling, just a little bit.” We all smell barbecue. Nuri: “… I should have specified non-lethal.” He isn’t quite dead. Nuri, putting a fatherly hand on his shoulder: “Go on. Just run.”

Another thug goes to start his turn, but Pfenig’s reaction forces a save; the thug makes it. Pfenig: “I don’t accept it.” The thug whacks him for 4 bludgeoning damage.

The one on the bonfire takes aim at Nuri’s fiery head and hits him for 7 damage.

Well, Nuri didn’t want to do this but they forced his hand - he Hellish Rebukes him and gets the how de do dis! “He is immolated, but non-lethally. He’ll recover from this, but he’ll never get a modelling job.”

Thessalie casts Wound Bind on herself. Here comes the one who shot her; he’s very badly burned. Thessalie: “Good, I hope he’s having a horrible day.” He appears and shoots her again, hitting for two damage in spite of the cover from the cart.

Pfenig, lifting his increasingly heavy Shildlfgjdflkh: “GET! DEAD!” He hits for 12, but the thug stays on his feet.

Hazel is still AFK, so Nuri has her shoot the one who’s been targeting Thessalie. 13 hits for 16 damage. She has no idea how he’s still standing, but he is. She hides again. He’s holding the arrow that hit him as if trying to hold in something on the inside.

(They’re talking about how some people eat fish while they’re still alive; we seem to have taken quite a dark turn this game.)

Nuri casts Mind Sliver, forcing an Int save on the one who hit him. The thug gets a nat 1, and takes 6 psychic and 2 fire damage. How de do dis! “Non-lethally. I pop his brain. He’ll recover but he won’t know who he is, or who he works for. He’s basically just a nugget.” He asks if he can be facing Pfenig as he gets hit; Pfenig sees his eyes cross and he slumps to the ground. Behind him Nuri just shrugs. “Huh.”

Pfenig, indignant: “I was fighting that!”

Thessalie explodes the last one with Magic Missile into a shower of pretty sparks: “I’m trying to be a little more lighthearted than what I just saw happen on the other side of the cart.”

Pfenig 'humanely dispatches' the gibbering one. Can the non-lethally burned one answer questions? He’ll need some healing first. The cat hops down and “starts chewing his crispy fingers.”

(What is wrong with us this week.)

Pfenig expresses regret at the burns victim; did we really need to do that? Nuri casts Bonfire again to finish him off. “Happy?”

“… I mean, sure.”

Thessalie and Hazel search the body of the mage. Thessalie finds a rapier (with a scalloped hand guard in the shape of a lotus blossom); ideal, as she was planning on taking rapier lessons. She also finds a scroll of Disguise Self. She finds his spellbook, but it started to burn as soon as he died and is not recoverable. Hazel finds a white vial of antitoxin.

They find a note: Monitor the adventurers from Trollskull, we believe they have the Stone, relieve them of it asap. Failure not an option. Zhent symbol at bottom.

Pfenig goes over to talk to the lady who tried to call the cat in; she ain’t impressed with any of what she just saw, and closes the window in his face. He mouths ‘sorry about that’ as he backs away.

We still have the Stone, so we’ll continue our rescue mission to find Jodd in the sewers next week.

(There was a strange thing hidden under one of the fair’s ships; the dragon told us he’d give us a treasure chest if we found out what it was and told him. Writing that one down as I wasn't here when we met the dragon.)

[dragon-heisters]

Session 24, 4 Feb 2023

I’m late this week, due to pizza. Pfenig has watched Wakanda forever; Nuri immediately tells him “no spoilers!” He has already had Thor: Love and Thunder spoiled for him at work. “No spoilers!” I tell him.

BWJ has got big people clothes now, and a big people beanbag; Pfenig doesn’t like it. Right, to the dirty prostitute ward? We should clean this place up. Unionise them. Council tax, that sort of thing. We are presented with a reference image:

Good grief.

We are looking for two drow; it’s been about half an hour since we lost them, but were able to follow them with Thessalie’s Horn Marker spell. Nuri picks up Pfenig and pets him like a Bond villain; Pfenig immediately starts yowling. He hisses for a bit, then falls asleep. Nuri carries him around like a baby.

We haven’t heard the Horn Marker for a while; we make Perception checks. We think they might be near the lighthouse, so right near the coast. Nuri approaches a... gentleman of the night, as Thessalie storms ahead.

“Excuse me… Sir?” he tries.

“What services can I provide?”

“I’m just seeking information,” he stammers, and asks about the drow. How much is the information worth to him, the prostitute wants to know. Nuri will reimburse him with one gold. He hands one over.

“I ain’t seen nothing,” the prostitute tells him, pocketing the gold. Of course.

“Can I talk to this lady,” Hazel wants to know.

“‘Lady’ is very generous of you,” the DM says. The ‘lady’ tells her to jog on, this spot is taken.

We’re just looking for some drow, Hazel says.

"What’s a drow?"

A dark elf.

"I might have. What’s it worth?"

“Me moving on. If there’s dark elves about doing nefarious things, you’re not going to get much business are you?”

The lady decides she will tell Hazel something for a copper. Hazel hands one over.

“So… dark elves? Grey skin?” she points toward the big beached pirate ship. The Kraken’s Folly. They were heading in the direction of the lighthouse.

Thessalie spots one of the drow, and quickly ducks back out of sight to tell the others. We decide to have cat-Pfenig and Hazel stealth ahead and cut off any escape that way, and Nuri and Thessalie will stay behind and cut off the retreat. We’ll trap them!

Could we pay a prostitute to distract them? Wave their genitals around? There’s one in an open yellow trench coat and matching codpiece. Nuri shoves Thessalie in his direction.

Thessalie calls the prostitute over. He starts listing prices but she interrupts him. “Don’t even speak to me, just take these five gold pieces and go and distract those dark elves over there.”

He does as he’s told and goes over to solicit them. Pfenig and Hazel make Perception and Stealth checks. They hear the drow trying to talk to each other - he got what was coming to him, the boss won’t be angry, that sort of thing - as they are swatting away the prostitute.

Hazel hides around the side of a little boat. Nuri and Thessalie discuss spell slots; Thessalie has one that she’s saving for something specific, Nuri has none. We should intimidate them, so they might give up the stone without a fight? Nuri has fire for hair, he should lead the charge.

Nuri approaches the drow. “Give up the stone and you can go free!” (But in his Batman voice.)

The prostitute takes that as his cue to leave, and the drow turn to Nuri. They look very pissed off to see him. They don’t want to hurt us; leave them alone! Nuri says we don’t want to hurt them. One holds up a bloody arm; could have fooled him.

Hazel fires a warning arrow past them. A 21; the feathers on the end of her arrow stroke one’s face as it whirls past. They look for the source but can only see that green cat. Did he fire the…?

They can’t give us the stone. They really don’t want to hurt anyone.

Who are they working for, Nuri asks. They say, the good of the city. Well, so are we! They keep looking around, and looking out to sea. They’re being very furtive. They warn Nuri that we might want to get out of here.

Pfenig un-cats, and holds out the fake Stone. Swapsies?

How would they feel about a team-up, Nuri asks, and makes a Persuasion check. 18. We’re hardly in any condition to fight, one says to the other in elvish. As they discuss, we hear a clanging noise and an enormous mechanical dragon turtle (WHAT, we all immediately demand) rises up out of the water. We roll initiative, as the drow make for the turtle.

One of the drow goes first, and leaps onto the dragon turtle. The other follows suit. Hazel shoots over the top of the boat she’s hiding behind, aiming for the mechanical turtle. She is close enough to see “Big Belchy” written in Common on the side of its shell. 22 hits, for 18 damage. She hides again.

Thessalie runs to the dock and casts Disarm on the white haired elf, hoping that he is the one holding the Stone; he fails his strength save and drops the stone which lands with a plop in the water. (I get inspiration!)

Nuri, having not seen what Thessalie did, casts Infestation on the same elf, shouting, “You should have made a deal with us!” The elf swats at the cloud of flies suddenly surrounding him and jumps back five feet - but stays on the back of Big Belchy. “Covered in bees!” Nuri shouts.

Pfenig leaps into the water to go after the stone. He has no wild shapes left so “I just use my regular big old dumb Pfenig shape”. The water is deep. The stone is wafting down at speed, so unfortunately his reflexes aren’t quite enough to just swipe it. He swims down. “I’m cold now.”

Big Belchy’s mouth opens - the drow start battering it. “No, don’t!” It belches a cloud of steam onto the pier. (Well that explains the name.) All of us but Pfenig make Dex saves. Nuri is fire resistant and Hazel makes her Dex save but Thessalie takes the full 22 damage and goes down. (Fortunately the damage is non-lethal.) Big Belchy then makes to leave, but isn’t going after the stone. (Pfenig gets temporarily swept up with the other tokens, and has to be put back.)

Big Belchy heads out into the harbour, taking the elves with it.

Pfenig reappears as Nuri and Hazel prop Thessalie up against a building. Thessalie has heard of Big Belchy. It was made by Lantonese (sp?) gnomes, and only they would know how to fix it. It sank in the harbour over a century ago.

We have a friend near here who has an Apparatus of Kwalish… Maybe she'd let us borrow it to look for the Stone? We go and look for Grinda. Thessalie and Pfenig can both cast Detect Magic as a ritual once we get down there.

“Ah, if it isn’t the treasure hunters!” Grinda says when she opens her door to us. She will lend us the Apparatus for free, since we were so polite and returned it last time in good condition. She suggests we take a short rest first, as we’re in a right state. Pfenig will cast Cure Wounds on Nuri and Hazel; he offers it to Thessalie but she’s alright, actually.

Grinda casts Water Breathing on all of us, as only two can fit inside the Apparatus. Pfenig and Thessalie swim alongside, and Nuri will drive.

We descend into the harbour. Pfenig remembers roughly where the stone went down. It all seems to be going well until -

Goddammit, I knew it. That bloody shark! “Delicious, you’ve returned!” Obliteros says. We roll initiative…

Pfenig goes first and casts Shillelelelalalelalabels. He still wants to look for the stone; Obliteros is miles away. He does Chill Touch, mostly as an afterthought. Does 13 hit? Yes, it does. 6 necrotic damage.

“That tickles!”

Fuck.

Is Nuri familiar with Obliteros, he wants to know? Well she tried to eat us once before, so yes. Technically. He touches his forehead, casts Message, and whispers “Obliteros. Please… Let us pass and we will make you a god on dry land. They will chum the waters for your amusement, they will worship you as a god.” He makes a Persuasion check; a ten.

“To whichever one of you little snackettes is in my head; I have just eaten, so eating you would be just for fun. But maybe we could make a deal. There’s a pesky dragon that’s moved in, and it tries to stop me eating people. I want you to convince that dragon to let me eat people. And then I’ll let you go.”

Nuri is confused for a moment as to the exact terms of this deal. How can we talk to a dragon if Obliteros won't let us go first? Will she bring it here, or...? She explains again, patiently; she will let us go if we promise to talk to the dragon. Nuri, unable to believe his luck: “Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, we can do that. We’ll definitely talk to the dragon, and you’ll let us go.”

“Alright, you can leave. But if you don’t talk to the dragon, next time I’ll eat you whether I’m hungry or not. And then I’ll sick you up and eat you again.” She saw a boatload of priests not far away; they were blessing other fishing boats. She’ll go off and eat them, she says. Or maybe just kill them. And with that she swims off. Nuri gets Inspiration for that, mostly because the repercussions here are potentially hilarious.

We descend to the bottom where we find, glowing under the Detect Magic spell, a bundle of rags - and inside it, the Stone of Golorr:

We know that one of us has to attune to it to use it; that is, if we should decide not to give it back…

We return to Grinda with the Apparatus. Pfenig tells her we’ve solved her shark problem. Nuri, awkwardly: “… Well… About that...”

Grinda is concerned. If we’ve made some sort of deal with Obliteros, she fears for all of us. Pfenig, who doesn’t know what Nuri has done, scoffs: “You’d have to be an idiot to do that.”

Can Grinda keep the priests that bless the fishing boats off the water for a bit, by any chance…?

We have some things to do, not least a long rest. Then we (probably) have to go and convince a dragon to let a shark eat anyone who falls in the harbour. Should we keep the Stone, or return it? Who should attune to it, if we decide to keep it?

(None of them know it, but this is Thessalie's Evil Wizard Origin Story. She eyes the Stone greedily.)

[dragon-heisters]

Session 23, 28 Jan 2023: "Oooh, right in the dump stat."

There is a message on the group chat; will Thessalie roll initiative please? Oh shit. I roll; a 9. Welp… Pfenig has decided to be a cat so as not to draw too much attention, and they’re good climbers and reasonably fast. When asked what colour it will be he says “still green, just like Pfenig!”

Suggested talking points: the contents of BWJ’s latest gross nappy, why don’t charity shop guitars appreciate in value, how delicious endangered species are when you’re a cat, the DM taking all our inspiration cards away from us because we never use them.

Pfenig’s green cat:

The two drow we are chasing:

The DM explains chase rules, and we’re off. (Action and move only on initiative turn, and we can only dash a certain number of times. After that we’re making CON checks, and on fail will take levels of exhaustion.) We roll a d20 at the end of our turns for complications - which will affect the next person in the order.

Thessalie spots what appears to the the stone wrapped in rags in the hand of the white-haired drow. She rolled bad initiative, so she can only watch as they start sprinting away across the rooftops. She slows to cast Magic Missile at the elf grasping the bundle, and the others roll initiative.

Pfenig is first up (as the other two are behind fixing Hazel), and runs across the rooftops after the elves. Can he see which one has the bundle? He hears the white haired one call the other Krebbig, as he asks if he’s alright.

Hazel arrives on the scene, and calculates the distance between herself and the nearest drow; 130 feet. “What’s the range on my bow?” she wants to know. “I reckon it must be about 130 feet, right?” She can dash as a bonus action, so for the chase that means she can dash indefinitely, and take actions as well on her turn. “Yes! He’s 75 feet away!” She takes aim at the drow’s back, and hits handily with a 19 for 8 damage.

Nuri scrambles up the ladder after her and casts a glance around; he isn’t at the apex of the roof yet, so all he can see is Thessalie’s boots as she flies after the drow. He uses his turn to dash.

The white haired one can’t escape because Thessalie can still see him, but he has to make a DEX check to get across a plank between two roofs - he passes, and dashes on his turn.

Thessalie dashes for her next turn. She rolls a d20 (The DM forgot until now), and gets a 6; the roof tiles beneath cat-Pfenig give way and he has to make a DEX save. He makes it, and takes his turn. “Did… an amazing… job.” He rolls a d20. “Let me see who I’m rolling it for - Hazel. Sorry, in advance.” He rolls a 1. She comes to a gap in the rooftops - she can jump across if her Strength is ten or above; it is, so she makes an Acrobatics check - a 24. No issue, and it’s her turn.

She dashes, and finds that the nearest drow is only 80 feet away from me. “Everything’s coming up Hazel!” Nuri cheers after her. She shoots the drow again, but misses this time.

Nuri dashes, and that is his lot. (Hazel rolled a 16 on her d20 - no complications. Nuri rolls a one - “Some complications - for the drow. Wayyyyy!”)

The drow makes his DEX check and carries on.

Thessalie gets close enough to cast Shatter on them both, one saves and the other fails. The noise brings some of the locals and their curly browns out to gawk; she ignores them all. She rolls a d20, and the tiles under Pfenig’s feet get slippery. He rolls a DEX save and passes.

He uses his last free dash, and rolls a d20 for Hazel. A ten.

At the start of her turn, one of the citizens spots her on the roof and decides to fling a rock at her. She makes a DEX save 23. “Fuck off!” she yells, and sprints on her way. “We’s cleaning up the neighbourhood. Bitches.” She moves (cartwheeling across another plank) and shoots again, but misses. “Sorry. I have failed.” She rolls a d20 - 17, no complications! Hooray!

Nuri is up, and has to be fetched from wherever he’s wandered off to. “Right - me. Ah, ballbags.” He does a DEX check to get over the plank. 21, and he’s fine. “I think I’ll just keep dashing.” He rolls a d20 - “Three! I’ve caused them a problem, haven’t I?” The white haired one falls prone.

DM: “God damn you!” He throws the stone to the other drow, and stands blocking Pfenig from crossing the plank to the roof where his little mate is.

No complications on the d20, and it’s the dark-haired one’s turn. He uses his last free dash.

Thessalie casts Shatter on him, and he fails the save, taking 9 Thunder damage. DM, with feeling: “Goddammit!” Thessalie, gleefully: “I love making you say that.” She rolls a 3 on the d20. Pfenig must make an Athletics check to avoid being spilled off the plank and falling, since he can’t move forward.

Pfenig makes the save, and goes to dive between the legs of the white haired drow blocking his way - he rolls through unimpeded. Yeah! He scoots ahead of the dark haired one. “I’m going to look casual. Meow.”

Hazel moves forward and shoots - natural 20! Right in the kisser. Max damage, and the target cannot speak for 1d4 (3) rounds. 20 damage total. Ha! She rolls her d20 - 3. “Fuck.”

Nuri comes to a rooftop that is ten feet lower than the one he’s on, and must make an Athletics check to jump down safely. “Can it be Deception?” He rolls a 6. “I fall over.” He takes some damage as he lands awkwardly, and falls prone. Nuri, strained: “I did not have the hit points to spare.”

He uses half his movement to stand up, and looks sheepishly at the others. He takes aim at the one he thinks has the stone (and who, in fact, threw it to his friend) and chucks a Fire Bolt at him. 20 hits for 11 Fire damage.

DM: “Swineses!”

Nuri rolls his d20 - 17. Dammit.

The white haired drow, who just took a Fire Bolt in the face, hops down off the roof and tries to hide. He has to roll higher than a 16 to hide from Pfenig - and he fails. But! He is not in line of sight so he only has to beat Thessalie and Nuri’s Passive Perceptions, which is not difficult in either case.

He rolls a 7 on the d20. The dark haired one has to make a save to see if he can get around Pfenig’s outstretched paw - just a success with a ten. He rolls a d20.

Thessalie triggers a trap and has to make a WIS save or suffer the effects of Tasha’s Hideous Laughter. She makes the save, which is a shame because it would have made a very funny news story. "Flying giggling wizard spotted sailing over rooftops in Docks Ward." She shoots him with a Fire Bolt, and rolls max damage on the dice for ten Fire. She rolls a 5 for Pfenig, under whom part of the roof gives way. He makes a DC15 DEX save, and passes. Yeah!

He licks his paw a bit and runs again. He has run out of free dashes, so he makes a CON save (he passes) and then rolls a d20. A two. “Sorry Hazel.”

Another uneven rooftop. Athletics check (she fails) so the next ten feet of roof are difficult terrain. Her shortbow is too short for an 85 foot distance, so she shoots at Disadvantage. 11 misses. “Oh bollocks. Okay, never mind.”

She rolls a d20 - natural 20! No complications. Nuri takes his turn. He has to make a DEX check to cross a plank - nat 20. “Eyyyyyy, I dance across that thing.” He starts singing to himself - “You wanna be starting something, you got to be starting something…” He rolls the d20 and rolls a 2 - but the result doesn’t affect his target because he is no longer on the roof.

The white haired one takes a turn we know nothing about because we can’t see him. The other is leaving a little trail of blood drops as he streaks past cat-Pfenig. He doesn’t get a level of exhaustion, and doesn’t have a gift for Thessalie. Yeah.

Thessalie casts around for the white haired one, and spots him easily - she casts Horn Marker on him as she goes by, in case they’ve done a bait and switch and he still has the stone:

This move earns her Inspiration from the DM - yeah! She rolls a 14 on the d20 - no complication for Pfenig. Pfenig dashes, and rolls for Hazel: “Ohhhhhh, nooooo. It happened again.”

She has to make a DC10 Acrobatics check - she passes it handily with a 24. No difficult terrain for her. She shoots again at Disadvantage, and rolls a natural 1. Something in my eye. Reroll this attack against a random creature within ten feet of the target, which fortunately is no-one. She rolls a d20 for no complications. Phew!

Nuri dashes, leaving him only three free ones. (The rest of us bar Hazel all ran out ages ago.) He rolls a 9 on the d20, triggering a Glyph of Warding on the fleeing drow. He fails his save and falls into fits of laughter and falls prone. Sadly, it’s not the one with the stone.

The dark haired one dashes, unable to escape Pfenig’s sight, but doesn’t get a level of exhaustion. He rolls a 16 for Thessalie. She moves up and Fire Bolts him again, and Pfenig can see he’s looking ropey by now. She rolls a 4 for Pfenig, who has to make a DEX save or fall prone on the suddenly slippery tile. He makes it, and gives chase again.

He debates turning back into a tiefling, but decides he still can’t hurt the drow even if he does. 1 slashing damage with his cat's claws probably won’t take him out, so he crosses a plank ahead of him to cut him off instead. He rolls his d20 for Hazel; a nine.

DM, gleefully: “Woohoo! That’s my favourite one!” Hazel triggers a Glyph of Warding spell. DC13 WIS save or she’s getting Tasha’s Hideous Laughter’ed. Her WIS mod is plus one; she fails. Pfenig: “Ooooh, right in the dump stat.”

She rolls a 1 for Nuri, who has to make an acrobatics check. He fails, managing to cross the plank but falls prone on the other side.

He picks himself up and runs. He rolls 19 on the d20. The white haired one makes his save and manages to stop laughing. He rolls a 7, causing a rooftop obstacle for his mate. DEX save or difficult terrain - he fails, yeah!

He only moves 50 feet. Thessalie uses her last dash to try to catch up. She rolls a ten for Pfenig, who catches the attention of some people below. They throw a rock at him. It doesn’t hurt him but it counts as five feet of difficult terrain. No complications for Hazel.

DM, laughing at Pfenig who refuses to go away: “Look at you, there you always are! Did you ever watch The Cat Came Back?”

Hazel can repeat her saving throw, but she fails. She rolls for Nuri. 19 - no complications!

Nuri can’t do much, so he rolls his d20. No complications. The white haired one tries to hide. He rolls his d20 - no complications.

The dark haired one doubles back and hops off the roof, out of line of sight. They are now both out of our sight. He rolls a d20 for Thessalie - she startles a flock of birds, about the only trap she could possibly have triggered that will affect a flying wizard. She fails her save, so they count as difficult terrain for ten feet.

She casts Shatter where she thinks he might be, but it misses him. She rolls for Pfenig - no complications.

Pfenig dashes and wants to see if he can smell him, because he gets Advantage on that. All he can smell is the leftover ions from Shatter, so he has a look. He can do Investigation or Perception at Disadvantage, the DM tells him. the DC is 23; he fails. He rolls his d20 - a 6 for Hazel.

Hazel is still weeing herself laughing, but can repeat her saving throw - a five; nope. She rolls a d20 for Nuri - no complications.

Nuri is still pegging it, and finally draws in front of Thessalie. He rolls a 5 on the d20, and that is the end of our round of searching. They have made good their escape.

However - one of them has Horn Marker cast on him. We can now follow the alarm horns that they trigger on their way through the Docks ward to our favourite area, populated by the lovely gigolos and whores - who all seem to have made themselves scarce, perhaps because of the horns but perhaps also because it’s early and they might all still be passed out in their own vomit.

We will pick up there next week...

[dragon-heisters]

Session 22, 21 Jan 2023

Some discussion about mormons, and BWJ who has discovered how to emotionally manipulate his mother into dropping/giving him biscuits by pretending he's fatally injured after a very minor fall.

Right, Stormcastle. He had the Stone, and we need him to tell us where he has hidden it. We decided to play up his gang connections. Does anyone have Zone of Truth? Or we could threaten him with Zone of Truth? Pfenig has Zone of Spores, if that’s any help. How about Charm Person? If the worst comes to the worst, Nuri can cast Infestation an infinite number of times.

So, Charm Person? Pfenig will give that a go. He approaches Fenerus’ cell; Fenerus scowls at him. “It’s just possible I’m going to save your life today,” Pfenig says, and winks - his hand gesture says keep it down - guards. He casts Charm Person. Fenerus has to make a WIS save, but first Pfenig has to make a Stealth check to see if he can keep the guards from seeing - a 20.

Fenerus passes his WIS save.

Pfenig: “… bollocks.”

Fenerus fails his Insight check, so he doesn’t realise Pfenig was casting spells. Phew! Pfenig tries again, but uses finger guns ‘to put him at ease’. For some reason, it works.

“Fenerus, my man!”

Fenerus stops scowling and smiles. Pfenig tells him Yalah Gralhund has sent us to see about getting him out. (He makes a Persuasion check at Advantage.) He adds that our hands are tied until we can find the Stone. Fenerus doesn’t believe him. Hazel chimes in to say that Yalah is having to go through unusual means (ie. us) because everyone is trying to get to him. It doesn’t wash.

It was only a matter of time before the gang sold him out, Fenerus says. He was going to sell the Stone, but one of his contacts will be along soon to get it, and get him out.

Pfenig doubts the contact is still alive, he says. This might be his last chance. We have called in a lot of favours to be in front of him, and he’s not sure we could do it again.

Okay, since we’re mates. Fenerus will tell us where the stone is if we can get him out with immunity for past crimes, as we apparently have friends in high places. That first, then he’ll talk.

Stone first, as a show of good faith to our friends…?

No deal, Fenerus says.

We regroup.

Nuri has an idea - we spoke to the Magister, yes? We could ask her if there was some sort of bail set? If we paid it, he could be released to us maybe. Let’s talk to the Magister again.

Any joy, the Magister asks. Not really. Nuri asks about the bail; we’re well past that apparently. Even if he was falsely accused? The Magister laughs. Even if that were the case, he has a record as long as both your arms and a leg as well.

… The greater good, Nuri tries? He’s just one man. We could get an entire criminal syndicate if we release him and let him lead us to them, he adds, visibly sweating. Xanathar’s lot, even. Maybe.

Is Magister Barch to assume we want Fenerus released, she asks? What on earth for?

We could level with her, Hazel suggests. She’s a sharp woman, we’re not likely to get a lie past her. We decide to give honesty a shot for once, and Nuri explains about the Stone and the mission Laeral Silverhand gave us. If we can convince Fenerus we’re on his side, we could get the Stone and put that wealth back in the city’s coffers. When Fenerus offends again he’s only going to end up right back in the slammer anyway.

That is true enough, Magister Barch concedes. She says Nuri’s honesty is a credit to him. She will have him released - but she wants to try something else first, she says. She will have him brought to her office if we will come back in about half an hour. Hazel thinks this is too easy and wants to do an Insight check. 12. Seems legit.

Pfenig outright asks what she wants to do; Magister Barch says she just wants to question him. Nuri thinks she’s going to try to get the Stone for herself. Pfenig wants to Wild Shape into a beetle and sneak back into the room to find out what she’s doing. Yes! He does that.

Fenerus is brought before Magister Hester Barch, who seems to be just looking at him, strangely. There’s clearly something more going on, Pfenig realises. After a minute she smiles to herself and says to her guards, “Put that back in its cell.”

We are called back in to her office. Pfenig makes an Insight check; 19. He thinks she was casting something on him.

“It seems today is a good day. We won’t have to release him, and I have some information for you.”

... Did that really work?? Woohoo!

The Stone we are looking for was hidden on the top floor of a building in the docks ward; a building warded against magic. She draws us a map.

(We should try starting with the truth more often.)

We follow the map to the Docks Ward and find a dilapidated old tower. The locals avoid even looking at the thing. Nuri and Thessalie think it seems like an old wizard’s tower.

Thessalie shoots a firebolt at the tower to test the wards; even though the thing is crumbling, the spell doesn’t take so much as a chip off it.

Pfenig stands as close to it as he can and tries Thaumaturgy with one hand on the tower wall. The magic fizzles. Looks like it is protected from magic attack from outside, and that casting inside it won’t work at all. He wants to ask around to see who it belongs to, but Nuri is already inside. Pfenig flags down a passer-by anyway.

It’s haunted, he’s told. They avoid it for good reason. So no-one lives there, Hazel prompts? The story goes that years ago, a wizard hermit who dabbled in wild magic lived there, but got in over his head and lost control of his magic. It’s currently unoccupied.

Well, we ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

Whats the most recent haunting incident, Hazel wants to know? Nothing specific. So no-one’s actually seen an actual ghost?

Well a friend of a friend’s daughter’s cousin said -

Right, thanks.

In the vestibule, rotten tapestries adorn the wall. In the mud on the floor is a shiny sword with no rust whatsoever. Definitely not cursed. Nuri picks it up and duels it with his own sword like making two Barbies kiss.

Pfenig tries Thuamaturgy, and Thessalie a Firebolt, now that they're inside - nothing happens. Does that mean Nuri’s hair has gone out? (It’s an integral part of him, so no.) Nuri adds the sword to his inventory, as Thessalie watches with pursed lips. "Amateur," Nuri scoffs at her.

There is a door in front of us; Hazel tries it. Can't be that dangerous - after all, Fenerus made it up to the top here. She checks for traps first. A six! No sign of traps. She opens it. Stone spiral steps lead both up and down from here. There is a fireplace and a chair, and another shiny sword. Nuri decides there must be a sword-based solution involved here. He picks up the next sword. Do they match, he wants to know? They do, he is told by the DM.

Up or down? Well if we go up, and get the Stone first, we might trigger a cut scene that stops us going down at all so let’s go down first. For completion's sake. We Sneak - Hazel rolls what might be her first ever nat 1 on a Sneak check and falls down the stairs.

In the basement is a lit torch. (The ones on the ground floor were not lit.) Nuri wants to know where the sword is on this level - and he finds one. It only occurs to him now to Investigate them for writing or something on them. A natty 20!

It is beautifully made, exquisite steel. High grade. Breathtaking craftsmanship, and all three look very similar. They would have been expensive to make. He files this away as he picks up the third definitely-not-cursed sword.

On the table in here are scattered a marked deck of cards.

Pfenig: “Criminals have been here. Sorry, entrepreneurs have been here.”

Hazel finds a locked door, and Investigates it. 23, no traps. Since she rolled so high, she also spots three crates of rations. 60 days’ worth, all good food. (Thessalie is immediately suspicious.) Hazel rolls an 11 to pick the lock, and it refuses to budge.

Thessalie has the spell Knock - oh, wait.

Hazel listens at the door, but can’t hear anything. She has another go at the lock, and manages it this time. Behind it is a chamber with runes on the floor.

Thessalie knows this to be a permanent teleportation spell. She notes down the rune combination in the back of her spellbook, just in case. Someone could teleport in to here using the combination, but probably not out because of the warding. She knows there are other spots like this around the city, including a famous one popular with nobility that allows them to dance in the air - it’s a wild magic spot. The wizard who lived here must have inadvertently caused another wild spot that blocks magic. She also knows that nothing less than a Wish spell will remove this anti-magic spot.

As we discuss this, Nuri spots a fourth matching long sword. This is just like what he read about in Adventures for Boys back in the Brass City! He offers the swords around to the others, as magic is useless here. Thessalie refuses one. Being not-proficient in Sword, she takes out her letter-opener.

Nuri does a belated Arcana check on the swords; a ten. He can’t sense anything magical about them, but all magic is suppressed in this tower so if they had a magical effect it wouldn’t work in here. He passes them out so we have one each. (Thessalie takes one after all.) We head up the stairs, new swords in hand.

Thessalie is immediately repulsed. She’s never seen the likes of the state of this place, and she’s fighting the impulse to go and tidy. Broken glass and parchment litter the floor, a charred bookshelf, an upturned cauldron, and pigeons nesting in the rafters. There are two more swords in here; Nuri picks them up. Thessalie finds a potion; she uses her Alchemy tools to identify it - it is two potions mixed together. A healing potion mixed with a flying potion! She shrugs, and puts it in her bag without telling the others what it is.

We all make Perception checks. Nuri and Thessalie glance through the arrow slots and see something peculiar - three drow materialise in the courtyard outside, running away from the tower. One glances back, spots them, and draws his weapon.

Both instinctively try for spells, which obviously fail. Nuri hears the drow say to the other two: “Get the stone out of here, I’ll handle this.” We leave the tower and give chase.

They were only 15 feet from us. Nuri wants to do “a nasty thing” while still in the tower; he still has the necklace of Fireballs. They might be slowed down, what with being on fire. He won’t be able to hit the two that are running, the DM tells him, but he could hit the one remaining. He does it! The drow makes his Dex save and takes half damage.

As we exit the tower, the swords we were carrying spring out of our hands and hover in the air. They are now squaring off with us, between us and our drow targets.

Nuri, to Thessalie: "I will never call you an amateur again."

The drow grins when it sees Hazel, and starts spouting slurs at her in elvish for being a surface elf.

Initiative time…

The drow pulls out a pistol. A pistol??? (In my D&D? It's more likely than you think.) He shoots it at Nuri but misses. A sword slashes at Thessalie and hits.

Pfenig’s turn. Shillebblblblblbhhhblbh! He hits for 8 damage. He makes a Perception check - natural 1. DM, giggling: “Never mind!”

One of the swords attacks Nuri for 8 damage; “I’m against that.”

(He’s in the order twice and the DM can’t take him out. Nuri, with glee: “I’m gonna take two goes!”)

Realising he can cast again now that we're outside, Nuri goes for Burning Hands - which is a cone, therefore an AOE spell so he can get some swords and the drow at the same time. He bonus-action-Hexes the drow for good measure.

Hazel gets hit by a sword, then it’s her turn. (Sophie is AFK, so Matthew takes her turn.) She wants to attack with her rapier. 18 hits, for 8 piercing damage. She bonus-action-Disengages and moves to hide behind “this cart affair”.

The escaping drow have climbed up a roof, but have turned to watch the fight below. Their eyes widen as Thessalie’s Magic Missile shoots towards one of them. They turn tail and run - she gives chase. The swords attack her as she goes by, but only one hits.

The drow shoots his pistol again, at Pfenig this time, and misses again. (The DM doesn’t think much of these gunslingers.)

Pfenig natty 20’s with Shilblblblhlblhlblh for 13 damage on one of the swords - there is a pulse of magic and it falls to the floor, inert.

Nuri takes out the necklace again, glances at Pfenig, then at the necklace again, makes an incomprehensible expression (like explaining ‘sorry I fucked up’ using hand gestures alone to another driver - while driving) and throws the last bead at the drow and the swords in front of him. (He may or may not have remembered that Pfenig is a tiefling and therefore fire-resistant.)

Also, he’s not one to welch on a friend, so he will do the Dex check himself as well. Good, because that’s the rules.

Pfenig, calmly: “I have failed.”

Nuri: “I have also failed.”

He gets a sword, and another, which fall to the ground. The drow saves, unfortunately, but still takes half damage. At the end of his turn Nuri looks at the drow with his arms outstretched and yells, “S’UP??”

Hazel hides, shoots and misses. She is revealed until the start of her next turn...

Thessalie takes out the potion she found in the tower, and drinks it. She rolls a d100; a 41. Both potions work normally! She heals for 5 points, and fly-dashes straight for the escaping drow. (Awesome.)

The one remaining drow is torn; he wants to escape but he really hates surface elves and reeeeeeally wants to kill Hazel. His hatred wins and he attacks her with his scimitar, hitting her for 8 damage. He hits her again for 9, and now she looks a little worse for wear.

Pfenig gets hit by a sword, then hits back with Shillelgglhlblhlgvlgh. It takes 9 damage and clangs to the floor. Does the drow look like he’s in good spirits, or is he hurt, or what? He is injured, bleeding heavily, but grinning from ear to ear seeing how badly he’s hurt Hazel. He hates a surface elf with a passion.

Nuri is up. Old tricks are the best tricks - he goes for a Firebolt, but 16 misses. “What? That’s not even close to funny.” He advances on the drow instead and draws a non-demonic sword.

Hazel can get sneak attack damage now that Nuri is there, so she pokes him in the pudding. (The drow, not Nuri.) She does 18 damage! (Matthew, peering at Hazel’s character sheet: “Honey, where are your potions? Can she drink a piton for some healing instead?”) She doesn’t have any, but she does have a bottle of oil, can she pour that on the elf and make him more flammable? That counts as an attack. No - she will bonus-action-Disengage.

Thessalie is still flying after the escaping drow, the battle behind her forgotten.

The remaining one tries to shoot Hazel in the back, but she’s got a bit of cover behind the broken cart giving her plus 2 to her AC. 17 still hits though. She takes 6 Piercing and 12 Poison damage. (Woof.) She goes down, making ‘a dignified yelping sound’ as she goes. “Woe! Woe is me…”

Pfenig, who is within distance, makes him take some spore damage but the drow does a Con save first - 17, which saves. “Bastard.”

The drow moves, giving Nuri an Attack of Opportunity. He goes in the opposite direction to his mates, taking a nat 20 from Nuri as he goes - 20 damage, plus the Hex damage, and he’s dead.

“… Is it too late to say non-lethal?”

We wrap up, and next session will start with a chase. Nuri and Pfenig have a choice - stay and heal Hazel, or go after The Amazing Flying Wizard and the other drow? Pfenig will chase since he can Wild Shape into something fast, and Nuri will stay. Has Pfenig ever seen a cheetah, Nuri wants to know. He’s seen a housecat…?

[dragon-heisters]

When we left off, we had left the hideout with the fake stone. Our only lead is to find Lady Silverhand in the Theatre of (?). Thessalie smells a rat; she doesn’t think ‘Lady Silverhand’ is who she says she is. She wants to give her the fake stone as if it were the real one to see what she does about it.

We head to the Docks Ward; it is evening by now. All the doors to the theatre are shut and locked. There are posters for an upcoming performance, and sounds from inside, but no-one answers our knocking. Should we break in…?

Thessalie, impatient, finds an unlocked door and strolls on in. She finds a dressing room and opens it, demanding its occupant tell her where Laerel Silverhand is. The actress laughs at her. Why on earth would she know where the Open Lord of Waterdeep is? She tells Thessalie to shut the door and not let it hit her in the ass. Thessalie is rude back and slams the door.

Hazel sneaks further into the theatre and finds the auditorium. She stumbles onto the stage and interrupts the actors, who shush her. There is a man in the otherwise empty seats - Hazel makes an Insight check at Advantage (as she’s a Waterdhavian native) to see if she knows this man. She does know the woman onstage - Westra Multima, a local celebrity. Hazel resists the temptation to run up to her and ask for an autograph. It’s a bit of a surprise to see her in this dump in the Docks Ward, honestly.

The man in the seats calls for a break and the actors start to talk amongst themselves. Hazel approaches the man and says we were asked to meet someone calling themselves Laeral Silverhand. The man laughs and introduces himself Rongquan, the owner. He answers directly to Laerel Silverhand, he says. Do we have the item we were asked to procure?

(Thessalie sits down and starts to cast Detect Magic.)

Her Ladyship has been called away, Rongquan tells Hazel, but has asked him to take possession of the Stone. Hazel says we will come back later. When will Silverhand return? Rongquan doesn’t know. Hazel will liaise with her colleagues. Why did Lady Silverhand want the Stone, anyway?

The Stone is a key to a hoard of Dragons - her ladyship is keen to get it back to the city’s coffers, as it was swindled by the previous Open Lord. Hazel nods thoughtfully, and returns to us to tell us what he said. What do we do?

This all seems very iffy. Nuri wants to spread a rumour that we have the Stone, maybe using the were-rats, wait for whatever group to turn up and rob us, (set traps, obviously) then work out what group hasn’t turned up. They should get the Stone, because they know that we don’t have the real one. (Or something?)

Thessalie sees a faint glow around a ring on the finger of the actress with Detect Magic. It carries some sort of illusion magic. Does it, now. Illusion magic, you say. We should discreetly keep an eye on that one, Thessalie quietly tells the others.

Could just be magic botox, she is getting on a bit.

Thessalie is unconvinced, and sneaks into Westra's dressing room to rifle through her shit. Nothing magical. Cards and flowers, a purse of 20gp, changes of costume. Nothing incriminating. She leaves.

We decide to give the stone to Rongquan, and see what he says. Hazel goes to give it to him, and Pfenig watches the actors on the stage as she does so. Rongquan takes the stone, but looks puzzled. He knows immediately that it isn’t the right one. Hazel plays dumb. “You mean this isn’t the Stone of Golor?”

Okay.

He says not to be discouraged; Lady Silverhand says that the guy who had the real Stone has been arrested. Maybe he hid the stone first? (The guy whose house was done over - Fenerus Stormcastle.) Do we know any of his associates? He’s being held in the Castle Ward.

One of us will have to pretend to be his lawyer!

We checked the guy’s house pretty thoroughly, but found no sign of the stone. The Zhents and the Xanathar agents have searched it as well. Sounds like we’re heading to the jail.

Nuri has a bargaining chip - the necklace of fireballs. That’s more of a threatening chip, really. We head to the court house, arguing on the way as to how we should go about getting the information.

Does he want the Stone as a way of getting to something else?

We march on in to the jail house. Signs above uncomfortable seating - “Please have a seat, someone will be with you shortly.”

Hazel goes up to the desk and asks to see Stormcastle. Unfortunately, we have to schedule a meeting with a magister first as we need written permission to see a prisoner.

Nuri pulls the Neighbourhood Watch card, slams his fist on the desk and some gold coins ‘accidentally’ fall out of his sleeve. He makes a Persuasion (or Intimidation) check (his choice) and rolls a nat 1.

Rules are rules, sir.

Hazel asks if we could have a supervised meeting…? (Persuasion check - 21!)

"I really shouldn’t, but… wait here, I’ll speak to the Magister."

Fenerus was in the Blood Hawk Posse when he was a bandit, we remember as we wait. He’s now in the Lamplighters. (Not code for anything, as far as Thessalie knows anyway.)

The Magister has agreed to see us. Cool!

This is Magister Hester Barch.

We’re on a time sensitive mission from Lady Laerel Silverhand, and need to question Stormcastle (not ‘Old Thunderbuns’). Barch is disinclined to agree to our request, as he is shady and unpleasant, and represents a flight risk. Anything we can do to persuade her…?

She looks us over. "Thessalie? Is that you?"

"It is, how are you dear? My mother sends her regards." Using her connections Thessalie juuuust persuades her to let us have a meeting, if there are guards present. As this is for the good of the city. She will allow it this once.

The holding cells are around the back, on the lower floor. Barch has a clerk accompany us. Does she have any advice for getting Information out of Stormcastle, Hazel asks as we leave?

He’s very paranoid, and is being charged with theft and assault. He was a member of the Blood Hawk Posse, and is under the belief that he has been stitched up by another member, and is looking at doing a long time in jail.

The clerk tells us to go through the door to the waiting area; head north through a couple of doors to a corridor. Take a left and that will take us to the holding cells. We follow the directions and find ourselves face to face (face to mug?) with this charming individual:

We call it there, giving ourselves a week to think of a plan to extract the information we need.

Session 21, 14 Jan 2023

Well as you can see from the dates it’s been bloody ages. Joe has updated the Trollskull Manor map; it now has doors and windows you can open and close. We all stake claims on the rooms. Nuri and Thessalie want to be near the library.

Lif tells us the forewoman of the construction here, Goffa Mackadin, has returned and wants to meet with us. Also, Hazel has a message asking her to visit the basement. Uh oh. Nuri will go with her. Now, there are no childrens’ bones, and no waist-high water either. An improvement. There is a note on the wall - 'check out the not so secret door'. She slides a panel and finds a locked door - she picks it. 25 does it. She checks for traps.

“Gasp - there’s a person here!” She does recognise the halfling who is also there - one of the were-rats, Roscoe Underbough. He called his boys off, and did some spying for us, so we like him.

“What’d you think?” he asks.

… Very nice?

He points at a sewer pipe and tells her that it leads to the sewers so we have access to them unseen. Maybe a possibility for smuggling? If Hazel wants to meet, she is to leave a message in the pipe. (This was why the message was for her and not the rest of us.) She can now earn extra money through smuggling.

Back in the taproom, Goffa asks us if we like the new stage she’s fitted, on which the nimblewright is currently playing a jig.

We can pay Goffa to update other features of the tavern, which will all add to future profits we make. Speaking of which - Thessalie rolls on the Tavern Events table. We get plus 10 to all future rolls on the business table! Hazel rolls on the business table - 78, plus 10, plus 5 from a previous upgrade. 93! She then rolls 3d10; 26 x 3 is 78gp for the ten-day. Yeah!

Right - quick story recap.

Rock gnome called Dalakhar:

Killed by a fireball on his way to us. 20 minutes later Renaer showed up, saying he’d arranged to meet the gnome.

Renaer chose our place as the location. Gnome was an agent for R’s father, hired to spy on R. Then he disappeared. Was carrying something valuable for R’s father, contacted him hoping he could help.

Gnome was carrying the Stone of Golor (sp?) was being hounded by all thieves' guilds. Wanted to offload it to Renaer.

After he was killed, Urstal Floxin stole the stone and escaped, fleeing to the Gralhund manor.

The Gralhunds were providing shelter to Floxin, in exchange for gold from the Stone. They got impatient, hired an assassin to kill Floxin and take the Stone from themselves. The assassin used a nimblewright, ordering it to use the necklace of Fireballs to cause the explosion in Trollskull Alley. The nimblewright was made by another nimblewright, Nim, and then went missing.

Floxin is now in the custody of the city Watch, thanks to us, saving the Gralhunds upon whom he had turned. (The Gralhunds were far from gracious, or grateful about it). The nimblewright fled the manor and took the Stone with it. The press went after the Gralhunds but they spun it to seem like they were the victims.

Istrid Horn, a Doom Raider, stayed with us to lay low as Watch cracking down on crime in aftermath of explosion.

We found the nimblewright in an alley, shooed off the city watch and took it home. We need to name it. Gralhund gave it a map and told it to deliver the Stone to the Trades Ward. We went there, then found Nat, Jenks, and Squiddly on a stolen applecart. They said Watch had been seen sniffing around. Went to the address given to the nimblewright, place had been trashed. Lady Laerel Silverhand showed up and paid us to go after the stone in a sewer ‘for the good of the city’.

We went there, cleared the hideout of Duergar, liberating some kobolds, then came across a Gibbering Mouther and some other stuff. We also met Thorvin Twinbeard - he is there undercover for the Harpers, and was working on a mechanical beholder which he gave to us. We agreed not to blow his cover.

On the body of the lead Duergar, we found a stone we believed was the Stone of Golor. On closer inspection it turned out to be a fake.

Right, now we're about up to date.

We ponder what to do with the mechanical beholder. We could put it on our stage?

Rest of the entry to follow...

[dragon-heisters]

Session 21, 14 Jan 2023

Well as you can see from the dates it’s been bloody ages. Joe has updated the Trollskull Manor map; it now has doors and windows you can open and close. We spend ten minutes fascinated by that, and then stake claims on the rooms. Nuri and Thessalie want to be near the library.

Lif tells us the forewoman of the construction here, Goffa Mackadin, has returned and wants to meet with us. Also, Hazel has a message asking her to visit the basement. Uh oh. Nuri will go with her. Now, there are no childrens’ bones, and no waist-high water either. An improvement. There is a note on the wall - 'check out the not so secret door'. She slides a panel and finds a locked door - she picks it. 25 does it. She checks for traps.

“Gasp - there’s a person here!” She does recognise the halfling who is also there - one of the were-rats, Roscoe Underbough. He called his boys off, and did some spying for us, so we like him.

“What’d you think?” he asks.

… Very nice?

He points at a sewer pipe and tells her that it leads to the sewers so we have access to them unseen. Maybe a possibility for smuggling? If Hazel wants to meet, she is to leave a message in the pipe. (This was why the message was for her and not the rest of us.) She can now earn extra money through smuggling.

Back in the taproom, Goffa asks us if we like the new stage she’s fitted, on which the nimblewright is currently playing a jig.

We can pay Goffa to update other features of the tavern, which will all add to future profits we make. Speaking of which - Thessalie rolls on the Tavern Events table. We get plus 10 to all future rolls on the business table! Hazel rolls on the business table - 78, plus 10, plus 5 from a previous upgrade. 93! She then rolls 3d10; 26 x 3 is 78gp for the ten-day. Yeah!

Right - quick story recap.

Rock gnome called Dalakhar:

Killed by a fireball on his way to us. 20 minutes later Renaer showed up, saying he’d arranged to meet the gnome.

Renaer chose our place as the location. Gnome was an agent for R’s father, hired to spy on R. Then he disappeared. Was carrying something valuable for R’s father, contacted him hoping he could help.

Gnome was carrying the Stone of Golor (sp?) was being hounded by all thieves' guilds. Wanted to offload it to Renaer.

After he was killed, Urstal Floxin stole the stone and escaped, fleeing to the Gralhund manor.

The Gralhunds were providing shelter to Floxin, in exchange for gold from the Stone. They got impatient, hired an assassin to kill Floxin and take the Stone from themselves. The assassin used a nimblewright, ordering it to use the necklace of Fireballs to cause the explosion in Trollskull Alley. The nimblewright was made by another nimblewright, Nim, and then went missing.

Floxin is now in the custody of the city Watch, thanks to us, saving the Gralhunds upon whom he had turned. (The Gralhunds were far from gracious, or grateful about it). The nimblewright fled the manor and took the Stone with it. The press went after the Gralhunds but they spun it to seem like they were the victims.

Istrid Horn, a Doom Raider, stayed with us to lay low as Watch cracking down on crime in aftermath of explosion.

We found the nimblewright in an alley, shooed off the city watch and took it home. We need to name it. Gralhund gave it a map and told it to deliver the Stone to the Trades Ward. We went there, then found Nat, Jenks, and Squiddly on a stolen applecart. They said Watch had been seen sniffing around. Went to the address given to the nimblewright, place had been trashed. Lady Laerel Silverhand showed up and paid us to go after the stone in a sewer ‘for the good of the city’.

We went there, cleared the hideout of Duergar, liberating some kobolds, then came across a Gibbering Mouther and some other stuff. We also met Thorvin Twinbeard - he is there undercover for the Harpers, and was working on a mechanical beholder which he gave to us. We agreed not to blow his cover.

On the body of the lead Duergar, we found a stone we believed was the Stone of Golor. On closer inspection it turned out to be a fake.

Right, now we're about up to date.

We ponder what to do with the mechanical beholder. We could put it on our stage?

Rest of the entry to follow...

[dragon-heisters]

Session 20: 17 Sep 2022

There is a rumour that Giles might be joining us tonight! He shows up a bit late, but still just about before Pfenig. Something has happened to his character sheet, so we wait while he re-rolls his stats.

We catch him up on what he’s missed, and what he’s been doing - mostly standing in a corner of the taproom reading orcish Jilly Cooper novels.

We make Perception checks; Nuri hears something coming from the east that reminds him of sounds he’s heard coming from the toilets after a long night at the Portal. It sounds like retching. It’s either close, or… big.

We move west and post a guard. There are some steps up which Thorvin ascended and left. Nuri goes up to have a look - there’s a courtyard and a hostel, so he’s found a way out of the sewers. We go up, leaving Giles on guard and reading his copy of Tall Green and Handsome while we rest.

We take one last deep breath of fresh (ish) air, and head back down to the sewers. Giles wants to know if the retching has continued; he makes a Perception check. He hears it; the DM asks if he grew up with other orcs, or with other races? Orcs, and he can make an Insight check at Advantage. He thinks the retching might be coming from some sort of ogre-creature.

Giles goes first, and hears something ogre-adjacent (apparently, ‘ogroid’ is not PC) behind a door. He opens it - and sees a pair of feet, the owner of whom is bent over vomiting. Does Giles speak ogre? Or perhaps his new friend might speak orcish?

Giles makes an Investigation check. It’s bad. He gently shuts the door and turns to the rest of us. What do?

Pfenig thinks perhaps we could hire him. We do need door staff.

As the most monstrous among us, Giles thinks he should be the one to talk to him. Absolutely none of us have any problem with that, so he goes ahead. Giles opens the door and makes a big show of not expecting to see a puking ogre in the place he definitely hangs out in all the time. He makes a Performance check, against the ogre’s Insight (at Disadvantage, as he is somewhat distracted). The ogre isn’t buying it, but he is drunk - there are three empty wine casks in the room with him.

Perhaps Giles MD can help? Or, Pfenig has Lesser Restoration? But if we have to fight him, Pfenig would rather he was drunk.

Giles starts pulling things out of his pack and pretends to be making some medicine. The ogre seems to be reaching for his weapon. Giles does Lay On Hands by rubbing his ashy hands on the ogre’s knees.

He removes the poison, but the ogre seems suddenly angry and demands to know what Giles is doing in here. The ogre accuses him of trying to get to Xanathar! We roll Initiative…

Nuri goes first. He does a fire thing - carefully, remembering the incident from last week.

Hazel hides and shoots, natty-20s it and kills the ogre outright. “I dance on his corpse.”

… Holy shit.

Nuri loots the corpse and finds a folded cloth containing ten gold leaf sheets, worth 7sp and 5cp each.

Pfenig heads back to the door where we came in - and spots a door directly opposite it, on the other side of the sewage river. On the other side is a spacious cellar, it looks like that of an inn. There’s a half-demolished wall, so it looks like it used to be two rooms.

He is zooming around the map when the DM shouts “Okay stop there!”

There is a disgusting smell in here; Thessalie is reminded of a dwarfish spelunker’s writings when he described a smell as like ‘an orc’s loincloth’.

Pfenig hears horrendous noises as the stink gets stronger - he looks slowly up at the ceiling to see whatever is about to get a surprise round on the rest us…

(There would be a handout but the DM has lost it.)

Pfenig knows, after a good Nature check, that this is a troglodyte. And so are its friends.

They attack all of us, doing a bit of damage all around and grossing us out with the smell.

The first of us to get a turn is Pfenig, who has to make a CON save (DC12) against the troglodyte’s stench. He succeeds! Must be somewhat inoculated against bad smells after all the time he’s spent with Jod. He uses Symbiotic Entity to get some temporary HP, and casts Shillsdhjgkdfhlhh.

Hazel goes down…

Nuri makes his CON save and Hexes the one that hit him. “And then I’m going to… stab him a bit.”

Hazel succeeds her first Death save.

Pfenig gets attacked, and the troglodyte takes some necrotic damage from his spores.

Thessalie takes a potion and kills a troglodyte with Firebolt, earning herself a suspicious and disapproving look from Nuri.

Giles casts Shield of Faith, and then debates with himself. “Which one shall I stab…” 13 hits the unfortunate one he chooses, and he impales it for 9 damage.

The one Thessalie slipped away from turns its attention to Nuri. He Hellish Rebukes it and immolates it where it stands.

Pfenig bludgeons one with his Shillhsdkgjhlh and batters it to death. He is so disappointed to get the how de do dis before he’s rolled his necrotic damage that he rolls it anyway.

Another troglodyte appears and takes Nuri out. He makes a Death save and passes; Hazel rolls a nat 1 for hers and fails two. Thessalie gives her a potion and brings her back for 9HP.

Giles stabs one with a trident and kills it, poking out his eyes. He runs around a pillar and gets to Nuri to bring him back up. He takes an attack of opportunity as he goes, but only takes 5 damage.

Pfenig does Shilljgklhljhh and kills another. Another attacks him and takes some necrotic damage - max damage on 2d4, woah. It attacks twice more with a crit miss and a crit hit, but only does 7 damage. Pfenig: “Oh no, I’m nearly out of temporary hit points!”

Nuri succeeds a Death save, and hands over to Hazel for her turn: “I’m not rolling your dice for you any more.”

Hazel stabs one with her rapier and hits - only 11 damage. “You wretched knave. You’ve stank your last.” It’s still up, so Hazel bravely retreats.

Thessalie takes care of it with a Fire Bolt, leaving an ashy stain on the wall behind it.

Giles is up. “Golly. That came around quick.” Nuri wouldn’t balk at a little medical care, yes? He would not, so Giles lays hands on him, returning him to consciousness with 15 HP.

Pfenig winds up the Shillsjgkdghgljh, and natty 20s the troglodyte on the floor in front of him, dealing 20 damage.

DM: “Even at her best, she only had 14.”

He golf-swings the head into the pile he’s been making.

Before we call it, the DM asks us all to make Perception checks…

Hazel hears something like singing; Pfenig recognises it. He’s heard this in the cellar of our business! It sounds just like the amalgamated voices of the dead orphans in our basement - the Gibbering Mouther. Fabulous.

We call it there!

[dragon-heisters]

Session 19: 10 Sep 2022

No Hazel this week as she’s off to Macclesfield; Nuri will take over for her. No Giles, and we wait to see if Pfenig will join us…

And he does! Only ten minutes late too, that must be a record :P

We catch Pfenig up on what he missed - or rather, what he did with Nuri’s help while his player was AFK.

Fenerus Stormcastle has the Stone of Golor, or so Clarence our new Nimblewright tells us. We also have a map that shows us where his house is.

So instead of rushing there straight away, we do a shopping episode! Hazel buys some arrows, and persuades her way to a lower price for them too. Nuri goes to the Bookwyrm’s Treasure and gets some new spells. Thessalie buys a diamond for use with her Chromatic Orb spell.

Bargains attained, we head for Quill Alley and Fenerus’ house. Pfenig leads (while considering taking a level in Barbarian since he’s now our de facto tank), then Thessalie, Nuri, and Hazel bringing up the rear. Thessalie casts Mage Armour, just in case.

Pfenig rolls a d20 - a 17. High winds; ranged weapon attacks are at Disadvantage while we’re outside. As we approach, we see the buildings are about 30 feet or 3 storeys high. There are residences and some small businesses (butchers, that sort of thing). As we enter Quill Alley a cart laden with apples comes screaming towards us with a tiefling boy on top yelling “Look out!”

Nuri deftly sidesteps as does Pfenig - but the girls aren’t so lucky. Hazel and Thessalie both take 5 damage as they are mown down by the cart and take 5 damage, and are knocked prone. The cart crashes, throwing the boy from the driver’s seat. He isn’t badly hurt. It’s Squiddly, the urchin!

Running into the alley from the other end are Nat and Jenks; Nat is very apologetic. Are we alright? Well, some more than others. Squiddly gives us a grin; he seems less apologetic. Pfenig asks if the apples are entirely, 100% theirs?

“They are now!”

Nat and Jenks start rummaging for treasures. Squiddly asks Pfenig what brings us here. We’ve got that huge mansion! Why are we here? Portfolio diversification, Pfenig tells him. Squiddly nods sagely, having no idea what he means.

Do the urchins know the area? They come here quite often, apparently. The Watch are usually distracted elsewhere. You can get away with all sorts of stuff if you’re careful. Do they know anyone here called Fenerus?

Squiddly knows him, big man, grey hair, scars. He lives alone, in that house there.

Squiddly walks up to the front door and gives it a nudge; it opens a little way. That seems to worry him; most folk lock their doors. There is a sign outside with a bear trap on it - it is a shop that sells traps. Thessalie approaches to look but does not go in.

Pfenig goes around the back and scrambles up on some crates. He can jump over the fence in front of him - he does, but rolls badly. He does better the second time. Looking in through the back door, also open, and the inside looks as though it’s been ransacked.

We go in; no-one is home. Pfenig notices, painted in blood on the kitchen wall, the sign of Xanathar - a circle with ten equidistant radiating spokes. There is more blood on the floor; it looks fresh.

Nothing here is of any value; but some things are displayed similarly to trophies. Hazel is nosey, so she makes an Insight check - as does Pfenig, and Nuri. Hazel decides it’s worthless junk. Pfenig thinks they are other people’s possessions; Nuri thinks they might be stolen.

Nuri asks Squiddly when was the last time Fenerus was here; a few days ago. He’s in the Lamplighter’s Guild, so they see him sometimes on his rounds.

On hearing about the blood on the floor, all the urchins push past Thessalie and into the house; “Urgh, gross!”

Xanathar is in the sewers, right? Oh, great.

As we are discussing our plans, Squiddly points outside and says “How long has that lady been there?”

We turn to see Laeral Silverhand, the Open Lord of Waterdeep:

Thessalie bows. She has met Silverhand before. She knows there is some animosity between Silverhand and the Blackstaff; her husband’s soul is in the fabled Black Staff itself, along with all the other members of the Blackstaff who have ever lived.

“If you’ve come looking for Fenerus, I’m afraid you’re too late. It seems that Xanathar has already got to him.”

She tells us about the Stone of Golor. Can she ask us for our help?

Thessalie, suspicious, makes an Insight check. Why on earth is the Open Lord of Waterdeep in this dirty alley herself, asking us bunch of scuffers for help? Doesn't she have people for stuff like this? She rolls a 1, never mind, objection withdrawn.

If we’re successful would we deliver the Stone to her at the Seven Masks Theatre in the Docks Ward? Under the Southern Ward there is a sewer, we need to look there next.

Doesn’t she have people for this, Pfenig asks her. Well, she wants to keep it under wraps. How did she know to find us here, we want to know, after she tells us that she came to us specifically? Well, she may have followed us here.

How did we not see her? Good grief.

“I saw her,” lies Hazel under her breath.

Laeral hands us a map that shows directions to Xanathar’s hideout.

(I am SUPER suspicious.)

Okay, off to the sewers we go, after a short rest for the squishy rogue and wizard.

We find the sewer entrance and descend into the dark - and the smell. It’s cramped too, and there are no lights; Thessalie casts Dancing Lights.

Pfenig up front sees a sign saying Authorised Access Only. Well, we were sent here by Laeral Silverhand herself (supposedly), you don’t get much more Authorised than that.

Pfenig gives the door a push but nothing happens. We’ve got a rogue, haven’t we? We turn to see Hazel, hands on hips, tapping her foot. She pushes past the rest of us and takes a crack at the door.

She picks the lock in spite of Pfenig’s ‘help’. The smell becomes immeasurably worse as the door swings open. The sewage that flows past us as we walk is three feet deep.

Looking at the map, the path we should go continues south, and then an offshoot opens up with no walkway, leading down into the sewage. That’s the way we have to go, the map says.

No, no, ohhhh nooooo…

Thessalie ties her robes as far up her legs as she can, and bemoans the loss of her new boots before stepping in.

We make CON saves; Pfenig rolls low and has to roll a d4. DM: "No, you don't throw up, it’s nothing to concern yourself with. Yet." (Uh oh.)

He spots something quonky about the wall in the corridor ahead; he thinks it might be a secret door. He also sees something in the muck; it’s small. It could be a doll or a halfling, but he doesn't want to look too closely.

He starts tapping on the quonky bit of wall and listens; an 8. He hears something coming from the south. but the wall doesn’t seem to have anyone behind it.

Hazel moves up for a listen; what languages does she speak, the DM wants to know? She can’t understand the words, but she knows the language being spoken is Dwarvish.

If we go through the secret door, as it’s high up, we will be out of the sewage if we go through it. Hazel looks for traps. A 7. No traps! Pfenig pushes it open.

The voices seem to have stopped talking. As the door opens, Pfenig sees a large room, strewn with rubble and rat droppings. There is also a mechanical beholder… It lies on its side on the floor, not currently working.

As he looks through the door, he sees a guy who says something in Dwarvish. He is carrying tools:

He’s holding part of the beholder. He doesn’t look especially warlike. Pfenig holds a finger to his lips to warn the dwarf to be quiet. As we enter the room, the dwarf - Thorvin Twinbeard - vanishes off to the west.

We walk into a surprise round!

Thessalie takes a war pick to the head - or she would, but the duergar that appears to swing it at her misses. Another attacks Pfenig.

We roll Initiative…

The Gazer uses its eye rays on Thessalie and Pfenig; it shoves Thessalie back out of the door and into Nuri, and tries to Frighten Pfenig but he rolls good and shrugs it off. Another duergar appears - and casts Enlarge on himself.

The giant duergar approaches Pfenig and takes a whack with his war pick - nat 20 for 14 damage. Ouchies.

Thessalie explodes a goblin with Shatter, and leaves two Duergar bleeding from the ears. One moves toward her but out of melee range of Pfenig, who nat 20’s his opportunity attack and kills it.

Nuri steps in out of the sewage. He could shove past the Gazer like Thessalie, but he makes it do a saving throw instead which it passes. He shoves it after all, and pushes past.

Seeing the inside of the room for the first time: “This is… not ideal.”

Hazel hides, but not by ducking down into the sewage - she uses everyone else’s distraction to hide around the corner instead. She shoots the Gazer and hits for ten damage, and ducks back around the corner.

One of the duergar pushes past the Gazer and goes after Hazel, splashing into the sewage to get to her. It swings its war pick at her and misses.

The Gazer makes a break for it - incurring opportunity attacks from Nuri and Thessalie, but Nuri rolls a nat 1, meaning he will deal minimum damage on his next turn. Thessalie swings wildly unarmed as she has no weapon, and predictably, misses.

The big duergar swings at Nuri and hits, doing 11 damage. He Hellish Rebukes it, and does only four damage - but kills it! Now that it’s dead, the goblin can take its shot - oh shit. It shoots at Pfenig: “Well I for one, hate that idea.”

It misses.

Pfenig runs up and hits it “really quite hard” with his Shillelgjksdglgh, doing 7 damage and killing it. How de do dis - “I hammer him into the ground like a tent peg!”

Nuri spots some kobolds up the stairs opposite him. They look a bit subdued and don’t seem about to attack.

Thessalie shoots a Witch Bolt at the last duergar but misses. She peers up the stairs at the kobolds, and decides the if this group end up taking them home then that’s it, she’s leaving.

Nuri goes for the duergar attacking Hazel and forces an INT save - it fails, and takes 3 Psychic damage from Mind Sliver. It also has to take 1d4 damage off its next attack.

Hazel rapiers it in the throat - and misses with a nat 1. On the rebound: Your weapon bounces off your target and strikes you in the face. You have Disadvantage on your next attack. (Someone will be sleeping on the sofa when Hazel gets back.) The Duergar attacks her for 9 damage.

Pfenig casts Chill Touch on the last duergar - 15 misses.

Thessalie goes after the Gazer and wanders into another fight.

This is Korgstrod Uxgulm. He is lording it over the kobolds in this room. He stands and rolls Initiative.

“I don’t suppose you’ve seen a Gazer?” Thessalie asks, really quite politely.

“You stupid bitch,” he replies. “You don’t know what you’ve stepped in.”

“Right, well that answers that,” Thessalie replies, and casts Shatter on him. She gets an unseen kobold with it, and kills it, but Korgstrod makes the save and only takes half damage.

Nuri attacks the duergar and hits - and is asked to roll a d4. A 1. He sets fire to some of the fumes coming off the sewage, doing 1 extra damage to the duergar - and Hazel.

Hazel makes a remark about the use of fire in a place where gases emerge in a combustible fashion.

She stabs the duergar, but she’s at Disadvantage because of her natural 1 and misses. She Bonus Action Disengages and gets into the room like a greased eel.

The duergar swings at Nuri and hits for 8 piercing. (Now he only has 1 Thessalie’s worth of HP.)

Korgstrod approaches Thessalie and attacks her - but misses. The kobolds run away rather than attack. They seem afraid of Korgstrod, and appear to be using the chaos to escape him.

Pfenig Shillksdkgdfhljhs the duergar for 5 bludgeoning damage, surprising himself.

Thessalie steps back to get some distance, incurring an Opportunity attack from Korgstrod - and takes 7 damage. She straightens her hat and casts Battering Ram. It hits, knocking him back five feet and doing 18 Force damage. He grins at her, with another tooth missing now.

Nuri stabs the duergar and misses with another nat 1 - Pulled muscle. You deal half damage on your next two attacks.

Hazel stabs the duergar with her rapier, and manages to hit with a 21! She gets the how de do dis - she stabs through his throat under the jaw, but the rapier comes out under the opposite ear. She flourishes the rapier and puts it back in the scabbard, managing to wipe off the blood with a tissue as she goes. (She's so cool...) She uses the rest of her turn to hide.

Korgstrod throws a javelin at Thessalie and misses, and moves up to breathe in her face. She hears a squeak of joy as one of the kobolds finds an exit and escapes.

Pfenig sets about Korgstrod with Shillsgkjdfgdflgh and gets the how de do dis!

We are out of initiative; Thessalie loots Korgstrom’s body. She finds an ovoid Stone with streaks of black. Is this the Stone of Golor? We don’t actually know what it looks like. She also finds a signet ring worth 11gp.

Pfenig approaches Thorvin, who throws his hands in the air in surrender.

He’s not who we think he is! He is sort of a member of Xanathar’s but sort of not. Who is he working for, we demand.

He asks who we are working for, and how he can trust us. He holds his hand over his chest and a pin with a Harp appears. “They think I work with the Xanathar, but I don’t.” He’s an undercover Harper!

He’s been working on the mechanical beholder. Xanathar had it stolen, but it’s broken and he can’t make it work.

Thessalie and Pfenig both take a look; Thessalie gets its big eye to light up and it shoots sparks - but it stops after about a minute. She thinks that if it was created for the day of wonders parade, we could return it to the Church of Gond in exchange for Clarence. Or have them fix it, or have Nim take a look.

Thorvin asks if we found the Stone of Golor on Korgstrod. No, Thessalie says. (Gasp! She lied!) He says it’s meant to be sentient; Korgstrod has been talking to it but has not received a reply. It’s either a fake, or he’s unworthy.

What is Thorvin doing here, really? Passing info to the Harpers about Xanathar. Xanathar has been obsessed with finding the Stone of Golor; he didn’t know that Korgstrod had found the Stone. Korgstrod only found it today, in a house in the Trades Ward.

How interesting. Well, good luck.

Thorvin will tell Xanathar that this place has been compromised, and we will all leave. It’ll take two of us to carry the beholder if we want to take it. Nuri might be able to put it in his genie bottle if he can lift it. We dismantle it and keep various bits in our satchels.

Nuri and Thessalie squabble over who gets to cast Detect Magic as a ritual, and they both cast it while glaring at each other. The Stone is not magical at all, so it can't be the Stone of Golor. Thessalie puts it in her satchel. Could be useful to be able to fool someone into thinking we have the real one.

[dragon-heisters]

Session 18: 3 Sep, 2022

Been a while, and I missed session 17. No idea what happened except that we met a dragon? I think? Cool, let’s go!

No Pfenig and no Giles tonight. I sort out Thessalie’s Wand of the War Mage, and Nuri finds out what new spells he has in his new spellbook.

Hazel and Pfenig are now Summer Striders in the Emerald Enclave, and can get some Stuff from their faction satchels. They can receive training in another language also. Nuri and Thessalie are Junior Grey Hands, and can request weapon training once. We can also get Stuff from our satchels; Thessalie chooses a healing potion.

So how are we doing as publicans? Let’s find out…

Thessalie rolls a 22 to remember the recipes she knows, and makes them in the pub kitchen for five of our ten-day downtime. Nuri uses his new Unseen Servant spell to help out Lif in the bar. He rolls Persuasion; a 9. Not good. Hazel takes on security. Sleight of Hand - she rolls a 16. (Nuri is running Pfenig tonight as well, as apparently ‘we will need him’). Pfenig takes on management and rolls an Insight check - 17. Eyyyy!

Nuri rolls a D100 for overall. He can add 20 to the roll; which I don’t think will help a natural 4.

Well, fuck.

We lose 60gp, and Nuri’s 50gp that he put in.

Our rival has been keeping a low profile, but has been having lots of the Watch show up. We haven’t heard a peep from the wererat halflings.

We haven’t heard any further mention of the Nimbewright. We have a copy of some sordid history from the family whose house we found Urstal Floxin in; he wants to have another copy made.

We decide to search the city for the Nimbewright by sending Aurix up with the detector wand. Thessalie will use Find Familiar to see through his eyes. We roll a 19!

On the second night, we get a ping from the device over a run-down section of the Trades Ward. We narrow it down to an alley off Blackhorn Alley. It’s early evening. Thessalie has Aurix fly back, and tells the others what we’ve found.

We approach the little alley, Thessalie takes out the wand and locates a large bag of rubbish - there is a Nimblewright. It’s sitting there hugging its knees. When it sees Thessalie it draws its rapier - she draws her wand.

Pfenig rushes up waving his hands to try to forestall the fight. The Nimblewright points the rapier at him now. Nuri makes a Persuasion check to see if he feels like talking; he rolls a 23. He lowers the rapier and says that he can’t trust anyone; the lady and his maker abandoned him, why should he trust us?

Nuri explains that his maker seems to be a captive, and he doesn’t want that for this one. None of us do, probably. Thessalie puts her wand away. Nuri rolls again with Advantage - nat 20!

The Nimblewright looks uncertain. Where do we live? Trollskull Manor. We ask him about the Fireball. The kind lady found him, and said he had to throw the fireball at the bad people. (We think the ‘nice lady’ was the lady of the house at the manor.)

Thessalie is all for turning it over and having it melted down; the others argue against her. She eventually gives in, as we could question it at the very least.

He says he will do his best not to hurt anyone else; Thessalie says he’d better not or she will have him melted. Nuri quickly starts talking about which room we could give him to stay in. He says he has a token his maker gave him; can we help him find it?

We look around but can’t find it - and as we search, something terrible happens and the DM is far too happy about it.

We all have to make a CON save. A wave of psychic energy pulses down from the roof - Nuri and Thessalie are fine, but Hazel and Pfenig are incapacitated and in agony until the end of the creature’s next turn. No damage, however. The spellcasters recognise the spell Misty Step, and someone appears in the alley mouth flanked by three Zhents. Not the good ones.

We will pay for interfering in Zhentarim business…

Thessalie has never seen the psychic spell before. It’s not a school of magic she’s familiar. She’s never read about it or come across anything like it.

Nuri attacks first and uses Scorching Ray. He hits all the thugs and warns them to surrender. Thessalie uses her turn to bring up Mage Armour.

A little black cat with glowing red eyes pops up next to Nuri. It reaches out a paw, and he has to make a WIS save. 16; is it enough? It is! He has dodged having his ability to speak stolen from him… That would have sucked, for a spellcaster.

The enemy spellcaster is annoyed by this. Hazel is writhing in agony, so the Zhent who attacks her gets Advantage. He hits with a 22.

Hazel: “That is really unkind.”

He attacks and hits again, then another one attacks Pfenig. Nuri uses Hellish Rebuke on the one that hit him, and kills him. He uses his turn to deal with the familiar, which disappears in a puff of purple smoke. He gives the enemy wizard the finger.

Thessalie casts Battering Ram on the mage, and does 19 damage, pushing him 5 feet back. He takes a potion, to the irritation of all of us. Then he casts something purple with black shadowy claws. The mage seems to be puppeting them. She casts Shield but he still hits her with the second attack.

One of the Zhents attacks Nuri and hits again.

Pfenig is now allowed to get up. He does so, and casts Shillfgjsfkgshdgk;hh. He does miss, but he tried. Hazel also gets up; she stabs the Zhent in front of her with her rapier. She’s flanked with Nuri so she gets Advantage and sneak attack damage.

Hazel: “Bitchin’.”

Sadly she misses, so she rolls away and hides. Well, she tries, but she slips on a banana skin and yells “cockwomble!”. (Nat 1.)

Pfenig’s spores do something gross.

The Zhents surround Nuri, but luckily only hit with one of their two attacks. It’s his turn. He uses his turn to regain a spell slot, and takes a potion. He turns to the Zhent that hit him and says, “you should be running.’ The Zhent grins at him.

Thessalie casts Shatter - but the Mage Counterspells it. She is furious. She takes a potion for her bonus action.

The mage slashes at her with the claws again, but only rolls a 14.

The one Zhent attacks Nuri again - and rolls a nat 20. He takes 13 total from that and the next attack.

Pfenig casts Blindness on the mage. Yeah!

Hazel shoots and kills one of the Zhents, and bonus action hides again.

The Zhent takes Nuri out, and rounds on Thessalie. Nuri makes a death save for his turn - a 3. Thessalie tries Battering Ram again, but doesn’t manage to hit. The mage takes some necrotic damage from Pfenig’s spores, though.

The Mage casts Manshoon’s Mage Hand on Pfenig - it’s like Mage Hand, but it can attack. So it does. It grapples Pfenig, and then the mage uses Misty Step to escape to the roof again.

Pfenig makes an attempt to break free of the Manshoon Hand, and rolls a natty 20!

Hazel shoots the remaining Zhent, specifying non-lethal damage, and takes him exactly to zero.

And who arrives just as we don’t need them any more? Three members of the City Watch. They look at the dead Zhents, and ask if everyone’s alright. Thessalie tells them about the Zhent mage who escaped. They say it doesn’t bode well. Hazel brings Nuri back with a potion.

They ask about the nimblewright - Nuri explains that he’s our new barman, and spins a yarn about how we bought him from a travelling merchant. Long black curly teeth. His name was Timothy P. Fuckapple. He isn’t buying it, but we flash our Watchful Order badges and they back off.

They aren’t sure about the prisoner we seem to have taken; Hazel offers to let them sit in on the questioning.

We know Barnabas Brasswind, don’t we? He’s a high ranking member of the Watch who tried to shut down our bar. Yes we do. They will give us ten minutes with the prisoner.

Great - but he’s unconscious. Thessalie and Nuri try to make a potion but are unsuccessful so Pfenig makes a poultice. The Zhent wakes up but looks furious. Nuri crouches down next to him and says, “I told you you should have run.”

Nuri rolls a nat 20 Persuasion. He is working for the mage guy whose name he doesn’t know. They were here to get revenge for Urstal. We ask about the Stone of Gond - he rolls his eyes. W don’t believe in that fairytale, do we? Even if it was real, he wouldn’t tell us.

The Nimbelwright steps up. Are we looking for the Stone? “Maybe we should talk about this later,” Nuri hisses.

Thessalie wants to know where the mage will have gone. The Zhent doesn’t know, but there are hideouts all over the city. Closest one would probably be the sewer.

Time’s up; the Watchmen take the Zhent off to be thrown in a cell.

The nimblewright hands us a scrap of paper.

“Quill Alley” is marked with Fenerus Stormcastle. This is who the nimblewright gave the Stone to.

We return to the tavern for a rest; we are beaten and exhausted. As we leave Nuri throws an arm around the nimblewright. “Do you like the name Clarence?” It shrugs.

[dragon-heisters]

Session 16: 6 Aug 2022

Lots of baby talk this week; our DM is an uncle and now I’m an auntie! Lovely news all around. We do some levelling up, and off we go.

We start with Faction quests, beginning with The Grey Hands. Nuri and Thessalie receive messages from Vajra about a bronze dragon. We are to use potions of Water Breathing to find out the dragon’s intentions. We are to go to the Docks Ward, to the harbour. We find Lif guarding the potions when we return to Trollskull Manor.

The Docks Ward stinks, and the inhabitants have maybe five teeth between them. The first thing we see are the gigolos and trollops:

We start asking around about the dragon. Thessalie pops Aurix out, her gold pseudodragon. He tells her that metallic dragons are good and chromatic ones are bad. So this one’s probably a good one then…?

Nuri approaches a trollop or gigolo.

“Are you interested in it?”

Nuri explains that he’s not really here for ‘it’. He will give the man four copper pieces to tell him about the dragon.

“What dragons?” He doesn’t know anything.

We move on. Thessalie asks a trollop, who also doesn’t know anything. Pfenig says that sailors like to gossip, and are more likely to have seen it anyway. Let’s try the pub!

Thessalie sends Aurix up to find the way to the pub. There is an enormous beached ship that has been turned into a tenement. We make Arcana checks; Nuri and Thessalie can sense background magic. Thessalie knows it’s Arcane magic. Odd; there is a spell caster somewhere in the vicinity.

Pfenig casts Identify; the source isn’t within 30 feet so he wanders around for a bit. Thessalie sends Aurix up again.

There is a hand on a door on a very suspiciously well kept building. Garloth residence. Thessalie has heard rumours about this woman. Polite folk would call her an eccentric. She’s a wizard who uses her gifts for treasure hunting. Human, older, She is a member of the Watchful Order.

Nuri knocks on the door. She says, “Do come in.”

She assumes we’re here about the apparatus?

Yes, Nuri says. He makes a persuasion check. We may have use of the apparatus if we use it to hunt for treasures for her. She will take 50% of the profits.

20, Nuri counters.

50 or no deal. She drives a hard bargain, but alright.

Half a day, no less. We are taken to see the apparatus:

Forget the campaign, this is what we do now. Undersea adventures!

Do we have potions of water breathing? Yes. She gives us a scroll of water breathing, but will have to increase her cut to sixty - no, no that’s alright. Actually Thessalie and Nuri can transcribe a scroll into their spellbooks! Wait - it’s too high a level, she can’t do it yet. It would be cheaper to get it through the Guild than to buy it from her anyway. We decide to take it just in case, and can return it unused for the full 50% cut. Break glass in case of dragon, that sort of thing.

Has Grinda heard about a dragon in the area? We’ve been listening to some elf, known bandit, who is known for drinking and tall tales.

Right, she can have the apparatus ready in an hour! Let’s go and ask around about this dragon then. Thessalie swaps some spells, and Nuri comes to the realisation that he will be pretty useless if we have to fight, because everything he knows involves fire.

We head to another upturned ship. from which we hear singing. And more singing, in elvish, further in. It is tuneless, and about mermaids and pufferfish. It isn’t bawdy, but it is terrible. We follow the path out the pub to a ship out the back, and see the elf swaying on the deck.

He warns Nuri to keep away from the water. Bless. It’s full of dragons! Absolutely lousy with them. Nuri suspects some sort of Charm spell; he wants to cast Detect Magic.

The elf says he saw the dragons last night, on a ship in the deep harbour. He was fishing, and a whacking great drago came up and started asking about the Seamaiden’s Faire. (The one we were on last week!) Very interested in it. What colour was the dragon? Bronze! What did it want to know about the Seamaiden? Something about a secret, and who the performers were, what sort of performance they put on. All sorts. Rude!

What direction did it come from? From underwater, and he assumes it went back there. Very rude.

We are close to the deep water harbour, so we decide to begin our search there. Off we go!

Only one of us can pilot the device. Grinda suggests the one with the highest Investigation score. That would be Thessalie, with a plus 7.

She rolls a 20 with Guidance for the first check. Does anyone speak Primordial? Nuri does. The voice is female, and it says “Fresh meat!”

Looking out through the window we see who she is:

… Obliteros???

She was awoken by a man, who she ate, and he was delicious, and she thinks we will be too. We roll Initiative…

Nuri is up first, and he hates everything about this. HE drinks a potion of water breathing and climbs out of the apparatus. He tells Obliteros to bugger off, or we’ll do something about her. Or words to that effect. He is trying to Intimidate her. She grins.

Hazel gets out, and drinks her potion presumably. She can use a shortbow, but will be at Disadvantage (the attack misses if it is beyond normal range). We also discover that Nuri’s fire magic WILL work underwater, but the targets have resistance to the damage.

She hits! 6 damage. Thessalie uses Magic Missile, and does 15 damage, also taking her potion of water breathing.

Pfenig is torn between being a fish and using a potion; he can only be something with a CR of 1/2 - but that category does include a reef shark so he does that. Also he has necrotic spores around him. He gnashes his teeth.

Obliteros makes for Hazel. and bites her for 14 damage. Yikes.

She disengages and swims away, heads back to the Apparatus. Thessalie uses Mage Armour, having seen the great big bite Hazel just took. Pfenig swims right up to it and does a massive big bite.He tries to spin Obliteros and rip a chunk out of her. She returns the favour and bites him right back.

Top of the round, Nuri. He decides to change tack. He Hexes Obliteros and Firebolts her, with a middle finger raised.

Thessalie casts Magic Missile, this time at level 2 for 12 damage, and Pfenig bites it again for 10 piercing.

Nuri hears the shark say, “Too rich for me,” and she swims away - Shark-Pfenig tries to get one more bite in, but the bloodlust gets the better of him and he misses.

She is now in our player journals as an NPC - worrying.

The good news is that we have been very good at treasure hunting - we will get to keep 500gp of it. Woohoo! We return to Grinda to drop off the treasure before returning out to look for the dragon.

We tell her about Obliteros - “Oh, not her again.” Ah. Okay.

We head back out.