draconiene

[draconiene]

See this, this is what I like about TikTok. Little moments like this

[draconiene]

⚠️ CONTENT WARNING ⚠️

-Mention of thoughts of self harm

-Mention of SI

-Grief and death

Content:

Several months ago, not long after my lover died, I would often ride home from work on my scooter, frequently hoping to die on my commute through the chaotic streets of Brooklyn. The Death of a favorite person is a difficult and strange experience, one that briefly causes Life and Alive to feel like a weight, a heavy load on the shoulders that you need to shed onto the ground as quickly and painlessly as possible... All while teaching you so so deeply the weightlessness and unimaginable beauty of it in a way that words just can't communicate from my mind to your's.

I frequently use my Spotify shuffle, or more often my weekly discover playlist as a form of divination and seeking messages, as well as a deep vibe and mood setting. I remember this one day, I was setting myself up with my riding gear to head to work... Once again hoping to die by reckless chance. As I stood there, connecting my Bluetooth to my helmet for my riding music, I set up my weekly discover playlist and uttered the words to the universe... Perhaps to my lover and partner, "Play me some music to die to." I didn't want to get to work, I didn't want to keep living.

I remember after most of the journey had passed, I was on probably the more dangerous step of my commute route, and this song started playing... I loved it, and eventually my helmet uttered back to me the lyrics of this song.

"This is music to die to."

At this point it made me chuckle, just enough to make me smile and stop and think for a second. "That's pretty fuckin funny" I said to the Universe and my lover, at the time more amused than profoundly moved. I got messages back from both of them all the time, this was nothing new.

It wasn't until much later, months had gone by and this widowed creature I am had molted and shed and metamorphosed so many countless times that I was baffled by the change that was happening within me and without me. I had grown, and was growing. I still grow. The lyrics of that song hit me now, as a different and deeper message that I think many in the aftermath of death brushing against their skin resonate with. It took me a while to realize that message back then, it wasn't about this song I happen to jam to that also was comedically timed, this message was about the life I was living... Life, whatever state I've found myself in, is the music to die to.... One way or another we'll all die to our own "music to die to", and by all that is, I realized I need to make that music the best I've ever heard.

Something worth dying to.

This is something I have struggled to express the conceptualization of to my non-grieving friends, people relatively unfamiliar with Death's touch.

I hope you make some music to die to, and I hope you jam with it just as much as I jam to mine.

Edit: for those curious, the song is "Music to die to" by HelloHeathen

[draconiene]

trick or treat!!!

you get:

THAT FUNKY GAL FROM WALL-E

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A while it's been, since you've died. I seem to find, myself still alive.

[draconiene]

Weavers of Life, me, embroidery, 2021.

[draconiene]

The Invisible Realm on Instagram

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Fundraising for my partner's power chair!

Share if you can, anything helps ❤️🧡💚

[draconiene]

dere you go

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Bread thief. (via lexiyounng)

[draconiene]

any time i hear the insufferable transphobic athlete arguments i think of that one time in middle school when my boys lacrosse team did a full-contact scrimmage against the girls team (who typically play with limited contact) and i, a six-foot, 180lb defender, got utterly laid-out by this 5-foot-nothing girl experiencing the newly-unleashed animosity accompanied by violent sport and as i looked up at my assailant from flat on my back i experienced a brief bout of heterosexuality and fell wildly in love and then had to be taken to the ER because i had a concussion

[draconiene]

Omega mart in Las Vegas felt like being on tumblr in least nightmarish way possible , it was beautiful and I highly recommend going.

[draconiene]

[draconiene]

starting a counterpart tumblr blog to “shittycarmods” called shittypcbuilds and the first post will be this

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[draconiene]

Are fedoras really that bad?

YES YES THEY ARE

[draconiene]

im in philosophy and were talking about how you can doubt everything’s existence except for your own consciousness and the guy that sits in front of me just turns around tears streaming down his face and goes “i am on so many drugs”

[draconiene]

im in philosophy and were talking about how you can doubt everything’s existence except for your own consciousness and the guy that sits in front of me just turns around tears streaming down his face and goes “i am on so many drugs”