dr-rowan-suska

[dr-rowan-suska]

February 15th, Year 304

I talked to my assigned patients today.

Although calling them such is... incorrect. One is cursed and the other tries to get me to do indecent stuff all the time.

Are the employers taking me as a joke? I have a bloody degree. "A waste of talent", in fathers words.

This is ridiculous. Talking to the cursed ones parents felt like talking to a wall. Disgusting people. The other I don't know their last name. They try to use sexual-inciting bribery.

I am a professional, for crying out loud.

...

...

...

Yes... a professional. So why is my breathing still staggering?

Rowan

[dr-rowan-suska]

[The date has been obscured]

I had countless of encounters end in bloodshed. There's been countless rumors going around. None assume a gentleman walking around the streets offering occasional advice on how to live a better life.

I want to change... I have better control of my body now but I'd have to lock myself away.

I heard that there is an asylum looking for staff. Maybe I can apply there as a psychologist...

Rowan

[dr-rowan-suska]

December 3rd, Year 303

I have wrote a letter to my mother. It's for the future wedding of my sister. Thankfully I didn't drop any tears on the paper. I hope she will marry someone she loves. Even if it is... him.

I should be happy for her but I can't tell her where I am or why. Not even my parents.

I... do not wish to have blood on my hands... but this feeling really doesn't go away. It asks for death... for blood...

I might be psychotic. Maybe a few capsules might help. I have a degree so I should be able to gather the right ones...

[Dry blood- and teardrops are scattered on the page covering the name written in ink]

[dr-rowan-suska]

March 20th, Year 303

I...

I...

I left my home

I left without saying goodbye

I don't know where I am going

I am not returning

I can't return

Not with these eyes, that I own

I can never return

I am so sorry

I am sorry

[dr-rowan-suska]

February 2nd, Year 303

[Other than the date most of the writing has been obscured by scribbles except for one passage]

What is wrong with me?

[The page was torn out with a small splatter of something red on the page, probably what was tried to be removed]

[dr-rowan-suska]

January 17th, Year 303

I didn't write in a while... possibly seeing my sister going out with someone I like contributed to numb thoughts. Even the pain was dulled but I can tell it's growing more frequent.

I started training to mask my appearance but I was getting a bit paler by the day. With my natural grey hair you would think I was in my 60s. I stare at the mirror not recognizing myself anymore.

I look like a walking corpse.

My eyes have no light.

I look like I was dug out of a grave.

What is going on?

Why am I like this?

Why is there pain?

Why is

[The page has been partially torn from here on]

[dr-rowan-suska]

November 30th, Year 302

We celebrated my birthday. Colin was there aswell.

I couldn't stop looking at him. I felt awful that I had feelings for my sisters boyfriend.

I wanted to get out but it was my own birthday.

If she knew all of this she would break up with him and let me have him.

It's not right.

Father wouldn't approve of it either.

Mother might debate but-

My head just hurts more and more...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Rowan

[dr-rowan-suska]

May 16th, Year 302

He kept smiling at me. He knows what he is doing.

He is messing with my feelings and I can't do anything about it.

I started punching pillows and started carving a few figurines.

Everytime I see him go by he has that smirk on his face.

Why am I like this? I know he is playing with me. So why do I still-

I'll just keep painting for Mother's birthday.

I need to get him out of my mind

Rowan

[dr-rowan-suska]

May 14th, Year 302

Is this what Do I feel Am I

So much stuff happened today and I...

I gave up... on him...

I don't even know anymore...

I can't sleep

I can't eat

I can't drink

I just see his eyes

They shine so bright

The only thing I see is the sunny gaze of his

And I gave it up...

I gave it all up...

All for Catherine...

Father was right...

I am a good for nothing

She deserves him more than me

Rowan Failure

[dr-rowan-suska]

May 13th, Year 302

The ball is tomorrow.

I don't have much to say for it but Cathy is excited. We don't go to formal events often. Mainly because of the giant flock of people.

I don't want to be hit on by every woman when I cross the street.

I already had a nice velvet suit but my sister had to get a dress for herself. I reassured her she would look great in any outfit she chose a long blue dress. Fitting for the "princess", I guess.

I liked seeing her smile so brightly. I wish I could do that.

Rowan

[dr-rowan-suska]

April 30th, Year 302

Catherine wrote in the journal? Peculiar.

She is sometimes the oddest girl you would ever meet. Cathy is sweet and compassionate but gets in messy situations I have to help her out of, even when I was a child.

That sweetness might dissipate with the cruelness of the world but I hope it doesn't...

I wish her future to be very bright.

Rowan

Addendum: She mentioned something about a ball. I'll ask her tomorrow about it.

[dr-rowan-suska]

April 28th, Year 302

Rowan collapsed on the floor this morning- he hasn't slept in weeks. He has been sent to the hospital and I am getting worried. I found this journal and but I don't understand what he wrote down.

He is so worried about me all the time that he forgets about himself entirely.

Hopefully the ball next month is going to cheer him up and maybe focus on something else.

Catherine

[dr-rowan-suska]

March 2nd, Year 302

I have issues I have been in I can't sleep or focus. I feel like the words on the page are slurred and I can barely eat without feeling like rubbish.

Cathy was wor Catherine saw me in the library and said I had heavy eyebags. It's that obvious now, huh?

Mother said we are getting painkillers for me but I wonder if they would even work or last... I highly doubt it

Rowan

[dr-rowan-suska]

January 11th, Year 302

Catherine has been training with my father after school lately. At least he has a warrior he can train now, something he didn't see in me.

My mother is more calmer about my situation. Well, the "not wanting to be a warrior" issue, not the ache. Catherine is just way better at wielding an axe. Even told me that father would give her his own when he will be too old to wield it.

She still goes to the same school I went to and will graduate in a few years. Hopefully she would do great. It's Catherine, the youngest of the "Beauties" as people called us. "The princess" was known for her cheerful behavior and bright personality. And I do have to agree with them. She is a like a star, shining bright in my darkness.

I love my sister. And I hope her life will become even better.

Rowan

[dr-rowan-suska]

September 4th, Year 301

I am starting to lose more and more sleep. I wake up from strange nightmares I barely remember. My whole abdomen hurts immensely at night.

I told mother and father and they took me to the doctor, however he said I was fine.

Is my mind playing tricks on me?

Catherine doesn't agree with the doctor. "Rowan doesn't fake pain. He doesn't lie about something ridiculous"

I have heard about the term "Munchausen Syndrome". She probably is referring to that.

Even now the pain is still here... I don't have any school to continue so I spent the sleepless nights in the library studying.

However there is only a certain amounts of books here...

Rowan

[dr-rowan-suska]

June 19th, Year 301

For my graduation Catherine gave me this notebook. When I asked her she told me to "write in stories and worries". Allegedly she was taught this could help improve mental health.

I appreciate her sentiment but I am not mentally ill. Or at least I think so...

This ache has been annoying me for 2 years now... I hope it's not something too serious...

Rowan